A new start

''Please John, I'm sorry. I didn't want to hurt you.''

''So, you didn't?'' John snapped. ''And that's why you practically shouted at everybody you wouldn't be together with me! As if it would be something really bad! You are ashamed of me, aren‘t you?“

''Of course I'm not ashamed of you! How can you think something like that? I'm just...I'm angry with myself. I have always been a real man. You know, a man who loved women and stuff. And now...''

''You're afraid of being gay. Oh what a shame!'' John hated himself that he couldn't stop the tears that were now freely running over his cheek. He felt like a weakling.

''No, no, it's not that. I mean, everybody, especially my mom, expects me to marry a nice girl and have some children again. And I always thought these would be the things I wanted too. And now I enjoyed to be together with a man. It drives me crazy. Please understand, it's new for me. I just want to go slowly, very slowly. Please, don't tell everybody we had a great relationship. It would be too much to handle for me now. John,'' Luka took John's head between his hands and turned it gently so that the other man had to look into his eyes.

''Please John, tell me. Will you forgive me and give me another chance?''

Luka saw the uncertainty in John' eyes and decided not to wait for a rebuff, but took immediately the offensive.

He bent forward and pressed a gentle kiss between John' neck and shoulder-blade. He was content to see the other man trembling under his touch. Oh yeah, John was weak and lacking will-power in his arms. Luka was secretly looking forward to having little trouble with him.

His hand slid under John' shirt to intensify his assault on the other man's senses. He stroked the smooth skin of his chest and stomach and grinned about John' pitiful attempts to suppress the moans.

Suddenly Luka touched something small that jammed in John' waistband.

''What do we have here?'' He drew forth the photo although the younger man offered resistence and hit his arm coarsily.

''Please, don't! Please don't look at it!'' John whined, his features a mixture of shock and shame. Of course this was reason enough for Luka to scrupulously view the pic.

''Oh my god, that was taken like an eternity ago! Why did you keep something like that?'' Luka was surprised as he looked at John who was now watching his feet.

''How long do you have that, that thing for me yet?''

''It's not a thing!'' John snapped again and snatched the photo from Luka' hand. ''I have true feelings. Something you apparently don't know!''

''John, please don't be so unjust. I like you.''

'I really do!' Luka added silently in his mind. This realization was a bit surprising for himself, but it was true. He liked John, just not like a boyfriend. But to know that this sincere guy was faithful to him for years already, let a warm feeling spread out in his belly. And he promissed himself not to hurt John, even if he had to break up with him soon again. Although this thought was not very logical, it made sense in Luka's mind.

''So do you? You are showing it to me just the right way. I like it when people show me their affection by shouting at me!'' John's voice was dripping with sarcasmn.

''Fuck John, don't be so resentful! I already told you that I'm sorry!'' Luka was slowly losing his patience. He was not in the mood to fight FOR or WITH John now, especially not when he was getting somehow horny again.

''I want to be with you. Just secretely - for now. But later, when I'm ready I'll come out and tell everybody about our relationship. Promise!'' Still whilst speaking, Luka winced inwardly because he knew it was a lie. And only a few minutes ago he had sworn not to hurt John. But he had to blame it on his hormones because they were stronger than his conscience.

''I only want to be happy, you know.'' John murmured, his head hanging down as if he was ashamed of his confession.

''And I can make you happy.'' Luka whispered into his ear. ''So happy.'' His fingers freshly crawled down to John's crotch, but the other man stepped back.

''That's not what I meant. I want more...'' But before John could protest any further, Luka sealed his mouth with a hot kiss, making him lose any track of thoughts.

After a while Luka pulled away, breathing so heavily that he could hardly speak.

''We should lock the door. I don't want any of the guys come in and see you naked.'' He finally managed to get out.

''Ah? You don't want them to notice what they are missing? Are you jealous, they could yearn for my beautiful body?'' John teased.

''You would never know.'' Luka grinned back before he went to the door. The Croatian Doctor had no clue how much hope his last words raised inside John's heart.

+++

The next days were wonderful for both, John and Luka. They spent a lot of time together, the greater part of it, without any clothes on. They only left the bed (or wherever they felt like doing it) when they had to work in the hospital.

''I feel like I'd be addicted to sex, you know that?'' John said smiling. He was lying in his bed. Luka was wrapped around him, his head on John's chest and his fingers on John's nibbles.

''We had so much sex in the last few days, I almost expect one of us to drop dead to the floor some time.''

''Hey, hey, do you want to tell me that I'm old and could get a heart attack if we overdo it?'' Luka teased. ''I'll show you how fit I am still.'' Saying those words, Luka's mouth wandered down to John's belly.

''Oh Luka, I guess you are the sex maniac here. I'm afraid you will completely corrupt me. Or maybe you already have. Remember, last time when Abby called me to help her with her studies? I totally ignored her because you were busy with some certain sensitive part of me again. Yet I should really care about her career. I mean I was together with her for a while and I still feel responsible for her and her success. So yeah, I really should......'' His next words got lost in his throat because Luka's mouth had found its favourite toy to play with again.

''Don't worry, you will soon have time for her again.'' Luka mumbled softly around John's cock. The younger man wasn't supposed to hear it, but bad luck for Luka, John wasn't gone that far yet and his ears and mind were still able to pick up his words.

''Luka, what do you mean?'' John sat up and tried to push Luka's head away from his thighs. ''Do you want to stop our 'activities' soon? Or how should I understand this?''

It should have been more a joke than anything else, but Luka's reaction to it wasn't very funny. The older man didn't say a word at all. He only looked up for a second, shrugging, before he continued to suck John as if nothing had happened.

John was confused, but didn't dare to ask, suddenly afraid of getting an answer he wouldn't like. And he was happy now. He wanted to concentrate on the good things now and don't worry about the future. But he couldn't deny the little stitch of disappointment in his heart.

After two mindblowing orgasm, both men were lying exhausted next to each other again. John was pretty relaxed and starred at the ceiling, a silly grin on his lips. If he tried to ignore all worries and fears life could be so wonderful. He could lay here forever, pretending that Luka was in love with him and everything would be perfect.

+++

Of course, those peaceful moments couldn't last forever! The trouble came a week later with the perception that they had forgotten to lock the door of the locker room. They heard the door-handle moving, and Luka just had time to pull the blanket over their body to cover their nudity before somebody entered the room.

John froze. Being caught was the last thing he wanted to! Luka was still acting so strangely about their togetherness. He even forbad John to make loud noises, afraid of anybody hearing them. He still told their colleagues that 'thing' in the patient‘s room had only been an experiment for him. He was not gay, and although he liked to spend a lot of time together with John, he didn't spend that time in bed with him. Yes, he even had managed to spin he had a secret project started with John. That way he had an explanation why he was spending almost more time with John than with all of his other colleagues and patients together.

But now Luka would freak out. John felt tears in his eyes. He would get angry and dumb him. There was no way that Luka would continue to sleep with him after being caught in this embarrasing situation. Oh John could live without the sex, but he knew Luka. He would be too ashamed and avoid him whenever it was possible, so that nobody could ever doubt his straightness! That was surely the end of their whole relationship!