Truth's & Lies

“Thank you. This really means a lot to me. You won’t be sorry, I promise.” James wanted to say that he was already sorry, but he didn’t trust himself to speak so he stayed silent. “Uhm…” Franklin murmured his eyes darting around the room, noticing that several people had gathered round and were watching the two men intently. Friends of James he presumed, at least neighbours. How many of them knew what he’d done, he wondered. How many people had James told? “Do you think we could go somewhere a little more private. I’ve had enough of being on show and your friends are making me kinda nervous.”

Friends? James looked around himself and was surprised to find the lobby filled with people. From the moment the elevator had opened, he’d been so focussed on Franklin that he hadn’t even noticed anyone else but he was aware of them now, staring, waiting. He wouldn’t have called any of them friends but he knew them, was on friendly terms with most of them and he really didn’t want to cause a scene with them looking on.

“There’s a coffee shop a block from here. We can go there.”

Franklin’s shoulders slumped visibly with relief. James suppressed the nagging suspicion that it was only because the other man was embarrassed to be seen with him, after all, the show would be airing in a month or so and the whole country would see them together then. His cheeks flamed at the thought. The whole country would see how stupid he was, how gullible he‘d been, he’d never live it down.

Swallowing back a wave of nausea, he lifted his head high and strode past Franklin, displaying a confidence that was nowhere even close to how he felt. He didn’t speak, he couldn’t, his tongue was tied and he didn’t look, he was afraid to in case it was his undoing. Instead he trusted that Franklin would follow, without question, just this once.

* * *

Through the front window James could tell that the coffee shop was uncommonly busy for the time of day, and for a brief moment he was tempted to try somewhere else but he knew these people, he was comfortable with them. Within the confines of the shop, they were his friends and if things with Franklin got too difficult he knew he’d be able to count on them for support.

He pushed open the door and stepped inside then took a deep breath and turned to Franklin who was hoping nervously from foot to foot outside.

“Well, are you coming in or not?” He asked.

Two men, obviously a couple, looked up as they entered the shop. James nodded an acknowledgement in their direction.

“Hey Tom, Jase. Haven’t seen you in a while. How are you both doing?”

“We’re good. You?”

“Ahhh, you know. Work keeps me pretty busy.”

“I hear ya. This is my first weekend off in a month. Who’s your friend?”

“I’m Franklin.” Franklin said, reaching out to shake the guys hand before James had a chance to speak. If these guys were friends of James’ then he wanted to make a good impression. Open, friendly and honest, that’s what he was aiming for.

“Nice to meet you Franklin.” The guy returned the handshake then Franklin moved to his partner and shook his hand too.

James frowned. Something didn’t feel right. What was Franklin up to? Was he deliberately trying to ingratiate himself with his friends so they’d all side with him when the inevitable fight ensued? What a ridiculous notion that was, he scolded himself. There wasn’t even going to be an argument because Franklin had promised to leave him alone once he’d heard him out and Franklin was a man of his word right? Shit!

A tiny pulse began to throb in his temple, he was over thinking things and giving himself a headache. It was only going to get worse as the day went on, he knew it, but there was nothing he could do about it but get it over with. The quicker he got rid of Franklin, the quicker he could go home, get drunk and cry to Andra over the phone.

“Come on.” He said, taking hold of Franklins elbow and guiding him in the direction of a booth in the far corner. His friends probably thought he was being rude but that was the least of his concerns right now. He’d apologise later. He ordered two mocha‘s from the Latino behind the counter, his spine bristling at the hungry look he sent Franklin as they passed. Franklin caught the look and smiled coyly back at the man, which only served to make James bristle even more.

“I hope mocha’s okay.” James said, realising as they slid into their booth, that he hadn’t actually asked.

“Mocha’s fine.” Franklin answered, his gaze darting keenly around the room, settling briefly on a group of three young men laughing loudly at a table across from theirs. They were flaming, it was the only way to describe them with their over styled hair, swishy, brightly coloured clothes and exaggerated hand gestures. He envied them a little, envied their openness, their ability to be their unconventional selves regardless of what others thought. Nothing about these young men was hidden, there were no secrets.

He sighed softly, guiltily, and looked back to James. Although it had never been his intention, he’d hurt this man with his own secrets, wounded him deeply. Franklin could see the pain it in his eyes and he hated himself for putting it there. He just hoped that James would allow him a chance to make amends.

The mocha’s arrived, a moment later, in the hands of a pretty blond waiter wearing a tight pink t-shirt with the word “QUEER” emblazoned across the front.

Franklin was beginning to wonder if this place was actually a gay coffee shop (did such a thing exist?). At the very least it was a popular hang out for members of the local gay community and he suspected that James had brought him here deliberately to make him uncomfortable.

“Is everyone around here gay?” He asked, half joking, not really thinking about what he’d said. James cocked his head to one side and regarded him suspiciously before answering…

“Not everyone.”

“Shit!” Immediately he realised the connotations of his words. “I didn’t mean…I’m sorry James, so sorry…about everything.”

“You already said that. Look, I have things to do today, so please, just say what you came to say and leave.”

“I’m hoping, when I’m done, you won’t want me to leave.” He said softly. James fixed him with a steely glare that said there was little chance of that but Franklin wasn’t about to give up. He had to tell James the truth, had to make him believe.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you James. I wasn’t trying to trick you or humiliate you and I didn’t do the show to be cruel. I just thought it would be interesting. I’m not going to sit here and lie and tell you that the money had nothing to with it either, because it did, it was a huge motivation, but it wasn’t my only one.
I hate stereotypes and I saw the show as a way to challenge them, I never thought about how you would feel, about how gay people in general would feel.”

“Obviously.” James sneered.

“I thought it would be easy. It was network TV, they couldn’t show anything too graphic and the producers gave us a huge list of things we weren’t allowed to do and talk about. No nudity, no kissing with open mouths, no touching below the waist, no sex talk, we could talk about ex lovers but we couldn’t mention names. I thought all I’d have to do was substitute the word boyfriend for girlfriend a few times and that would be it. The first day in the house I knew I’d made a mistake. The guys were all so friendly and open. Right from the beginning they were sharing their hopes and dreams with me, their coming out stories, all the ups and downs of their lives. Emotional stuff, real emotions not things read from a script. It was hard, lying to them, pretending to be something I wasn’t, then I met you and everything got that much harder.

At first, I thought it was guilt. Deceiving the guys was one thing but when it came down to it, we were in competition, we all wanted to win and we’d all do whatever it took. You were different. You didn’t have the same agenda as the rest of us. All you wanted out of the experience was to maybe find someone you could spend the rest of your life with. I felt like shit. I went to the producers that night and told them I couldn’t do it, I wanted out but they convinced me to stay. They kept talking about gaydar and how you were bound to be suspicious and all us straight guys would probably get voted off early on anyway so what was I worried about? I didn’t even know myself who else was straight and I sure as hell didn’t know they deliberately set it up so you’d always chose a straight guy, I honestly thought those groupings were random. When you made that last choice and it was just the three of us left, I was terrified. Suddenly it was a very real possibility that you would pick me and I was soooo scared and confused. Part of me was praying that you wouldn’t pick me because I knew I wouldn’t be able to stand the look on your face when you found out the truth, and part of me was praying you would pick me because we did find a connection, there was a spark and under different circumstances, if I really had been gay, it could’ve worked between us, we could’ve at least been friends and I wanted that chance…”

“Friends don’t lie to each other Franklin” James said flatly. Refusing to look up from his mocha. The mention of sparks and connections had hit a nerve. Franklin had felt that spark back then just as he had, and if he looked up now, he‘d know that he still did. “Friends care enough to...”

“I care James, I really do. I care so much more than you know, more than I ever imagined I could, I…” He stopped, abruptly, on the verge of a confession. It wasn’t unplanned, he fully intended on telling James everything, even that, but in his head, when he’d rehearsed the conversation, over and over, it hadn’t gone like this, James hadn’t been quite so defensive and he hadn’t sounded quite so desperate. Being near James again, after all this time was having a profound effect on Franklin, he couldn’t think straight, couldn’t concentrate, his inner calm was wearing dangerously thin and his plan to take things slowly, to convince James of his sincerity and begin building a friendship before hitting him with the big one was completely shot now. James wasn’t going to give him enough time for that, he had to do something now, before it was too late, he had to tell him… “I love you.”


TBC: