Dreams of Exsistence

Chapter Four
I have longed to be anything other than what I am. I have been as my planet is – a spirit adrift. My existence has been an unbearable infinity.

Once I entered her, I felt as she felt. I had no intention of causing such distress in her. Her pain and rage were like fire chasing the water, condensing it into steam. The water always fights the inevitable, becoming a different element. Even now, I feel her confusion and disappointment. Myself, I feel apprehension. Until she knows of my being, I cannot plead my case. If she denies me, I will cease to be.
--

Hoshi looked at the chronometer on her console and sighed. She had one more hour of her shift left until it was time for dinner. She hadn’t heard anything from Malcolm about their "date" all day long. “Maybe he changed his mind,” she said out loud.

“Did you say something, Ensign?” T’Pol asked.

“No, Sub-Commander.” Hoshi blushed.

“Great! Now I am talking to myself out loud in public!” Hoshi thought. She looked down to her console and tried to suppress the blush rising to her cheeks for getting caught. Malcolm had been in the armory all day. She had hoped to catch him at lunch. The doubts and insecurities of their "relationship" crept up on her. Melancholy filled her as she continued with the rest of her shift.

Hoshi felt a tap on her shoulder and jumped. She had been so engrossed in her console or, more accurately, feeling sorry for her tha that she didn’t hear Ensign Collins come onto the bridge to relieve her.

“Are you okay, Hoshi?” Ensign Collins asked. “You jumped like a cat that got its tail caught under a rocking chair.”

“I’m fine, thanks,” Hoshi stated, standing up quickly and making her way to the lift. She leaned back against the wall when the door closed. “Okay, Hoshi, you have got to get a hold of yourself. It isn’t like he proposed or anything more meaningful. Maybe he just asked me out on a date to calm me down.”

Hoshi walked into her quarters feeling the day’s weight on her. She turned some music on and looked in the mirror at her reflection as she took her hair down. She yawned. She sat on her bunk and leaned over to her alarm clock, deciding to take a short nap before dinner. She was asleep before her head hit the pillow.
--


2100 Hours. Malcolm looked at the chronometer and swore. “Bloody hell!” Malcolm shouted as he tore out of the armory, beata paa path towards Hoshi’s quarters. “She probabhinkhinks I stood her up,” he muttered under his breath. He felt like the biggest heel. He hadn’t realized the time had gotten away from him. He had been so wrapped up in calibrating the targeting scanners that he hadn’t even stopped for lunch. He continued at a half-walk, half-run when he rounded a corner and ran right into Commander Tucker.

“Whoa there, Malcolm! Where’s the fire!” Trip chuckled and steadied Malcolm.

“Hoshi…” Malcolm caught himself too late. He kicked himself mentally, not worried about himself, but about Hoshi. “I- I had to talk to Hoshi about – about…” he stammered.

“It’s all right with me Malcolm. I am personally surprised it took ya so long to hook up with ‘er,” Trip chuckled at the younger man’s look of horror.

“Commander…” Malcolm started to protest, feeling the bottom drop out of his stomach.

“Come on, Malcolm! You and Hoshi have been dancin’ ‘round each other since we pulled out of space dock,” Trip quipped. “And I saw the way you two were actin’ yesterday.”

“Commander…” Malcolm stuttered.

“Malcolm. My name is Trip,” Trip said in a teasing command tone.

“I have to go,” Malcolm mumbled, stalking off toward Hoshi’s quarters.
--

Malcolm looked up and down the corridor, still conscious of Starf’s p’s policy on fraternization. He pressed the buzzer to Hoshi’s door, keeping one ear trained to the sound of footsteps and the other ear trained to any sounds from Hoshi’s quarters. He waited, anxiety creeping into him with each second that passed.

Finally, Malcolm’s shoulders slumped in defeat as he realized no one was going to answer. He resisted the urge to use his security code to gain access. She had to be in there. He had passed the mess hall and taken a quick glance in there for her. There were no shipboard activities planned for tonight that she could possibly be at.

The possibility that she had changed her mind gave him a sinking feg ing in his chest as he walked away. "She must really hate me," he said to no one in particular.

Malcolm’s stomach growled, reminding him that he had not eaten anything since breakfast. Before he knew it, he found himself entering the mess hall. He didn’t see Commander Tucker enjoying an evening snack of pecan pie.

"So how did it go with Hoshi," Trip whispered in a conspiratorial tone.

Malcolm jumped, and then realized who it was. He conceded defeat on keeping any relationship, or chance thereof, discreet. "She didn’t answer her door," Malcolm stated, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible.

"What’d ya do?" Trip questioned, motioning for Malcolm to sit down.

Malcolm stared at Trip, unable to gauge the other man’s position. "Trip…"

"Malcolm, you need ta talk to somebody an’ it might as well be me," Trip stated solemnly. "What happened?"

--

Trip stared at Malcolm in disbelief as Malcolm had relayed onhe bhe barest of details about what had gone on between Hoshi and himself planetside. "She actually shot you? Did you have Dr. Phlox check for any residual effects? Is she okay?" Trip questioned hurriedly.

"She says she is fine. She seemed fine to me, just a little upset over the incident. She begged me not to mention any of this to Dr. Phlox, so no." Malcolm felt relief over being able to talk to someone about this. "I was so caught up in recalibrating the targeting scanners that I lost track of time. I know it isn’t much of an excuse, but it’s all I have."

"Hey Malcolm, we’re all human, well except for T’Pol, Phlox and Porthos. Hoshi will forgive ya," Trip patted the younger man on the back. "Just make sure ya don’t go another day without talking to her. Oh… and speakin’ as yer friend, you don’t have to worry about the fraternization mess. You know how the Cap’n is. He wouldn’t mind unless it impacted your performance.”

Malcolm bred a d a sigh of relief, though he was more concerned with the effects a relationship would have on Hoshi than on himself. But he was relieved to hear it from his friend’s mouth. "Thanks for listening Trip. I have to go and get some sleep before I drop."

"Anytime Malcolm."

--

Hoshi was disoriented when she woke. She realized she had slept through her alarm and through the night. Sitting up in bed, she glanced at the computer terminal at her desk. At least she hadn’t slept the entire night away; it was 0500. She changed into her gym clothes and decided to go work out.
Hoshi froze as she entered the gym to find Malcolm on the treadmill. Quickly recovering, she nodded an acknowledgement to him and walked over to the weight lifting equipment.

“Hoshi, I-I am so sorry about last night,” Malcolm said as he got off the treadmill. “I lost track of time and before I knew it…. Well, you didn’t answer your door last night. I know you’re upset with me, and I don’t blame you if you don’t want anything to do with me.” Malcolm was experiencing the same sensation of failure that he had felt in his previous relationships.

Hoshi looked up to Malcolm, noticing the look on his face. “When did you come by?” she asked.
“A little after 2100,” Malcolm explained, thankful she was speaking to him. “There was no answer.”

“Oh Malcolm! I was dead tired and asleep. Yes, the thought had crossed my mind that you were having second thoughts, but…” Hoshi was unable to continue as Malcolm’s lips pressed against hers, his hands framing her face. She moaned as the sensation of his tongue tracing over her lips and thrusting its way into her mouth caused her to shudder.

Breathless, Malcolm pulled away and looked into the brown pools of her eyes. “The only second thoughts I have had are for you. Being the junior officer, you are the one in jeopardy if you choose to involve yourself with me…”

His thought was halted as Hoshi put her fingers to his lips to stop his protests. “I have no second thoughts, Malcolm,” she whispered, smiling up to him.

Malcolm took her hand and kissed her palm, earning an intake of breath from Hoshi. Desire stirred in her eyes. “Hoshi, would you do me the honor of allowing me to escort you to the movies the night after next?” Malcolm breathed next to her cheek.

“It would be my honor,” Hoshi said playfully, playing along and realizing his attempt to lessen the desire they felt toward one another. Then confusion and concern clouded her eyes. “Are you sure?”

Malcolm answered her by pulling her into his arms and smothering her with a mind-blowing kiss. “Wild horses couldn’t keep me away from you now.”

--

Hoshi leaned over the basin, groaning as she splashed water on her face. She had hardly made it to the toilet in time to lose her last meal. She looked in the mirror and sighed. “I guess it must be nerves,” she said to her reflection as she went on with her morning routine. “I think I’ll pay Dr. Phlox a visit for something to settle my stomach.”

****

“Ah, Ensign what can I help you with?” Dr. Phlox stated happily, looking up from feeding his menagerie of sickbay pets.

“I need something to settle my stomach, doctor. I’ve been feeling a bit queasy this morning,” Hoshi said as she sat down on a bio-bed.

“Perhaps you ate something that didn’t agree with you. When was the last time you ate?” Phlox picked up a medical scanner and started running it back and forth over Hoshi’s body.

“Dinner last night,” replied Hoshi.

The scanner beeped, signaling a finding, and the cheery smile on Dr. Phlox’s face disappeared. “Ensign, were you intimate with anyone seven weeks ago?”

Hoshi’s face flushed and fell, wondering if some residual effect from the presence was still lingering. “Seven weeks… no…why?”

Dr. Phlox turned the medical scanner hat hat Hoshi could see. She saw something the size of a bean on the screen. “What…?” Hoshi paled, feeling the blood leave her face.

“I believe congratulations are in order, Ensign. You are pregnant, approximately seven weeks.” Dr. Phlox noticed her pallor change and put a steadying hand on her arm.

The words reverberated through to Hoshi’s soul. The shock was unexpected and she felt lightheaded, then sensed a tiny voice saying hello. Her hand went to her abdomen and the room swirled in bright colors so fast that everything turned black.
*****