The Dark Side

The Dark Side

Chapter 4
Author: Frosty the Co-Dependant
Contact: elvendemagogue@yahoo.com
Rating: NC-17
Codes: Archer, Tucker, T'Pol, OC, AU, N/C, Darkfic
Summary: Something has a hold over Captain Archer. Is it loooove? Read and find out!
WARNING: Very violent. Probably a lot more violent than our other fics. And more one-dimensional, as well.
Author's Notes: This fic was written a couple of years ago. It was one of the first OC ones I ever wrote, so I don't think the quality is quite as good as the more recent ones. Just FYI.
Disclaimer: Enterprise isn't mine.

Argh! I *know* you people are looking at this! REVIEW! PLEASE! I'm desperate here.

*

Malcolm fired his phaser at the lock on the Captain's quarters and forced open the door. He ran inside, peering through the darkness of the room. "Kate," he called, not too loudly. He didn't know what he was going to find.

He licked his lips and wandered to the next room. He stopped just inside the room, noticing a figure lying in the Captain's bed. His shoulders slumped as he realized what must have been going on between them.

He walked to where she lied, and knelt down beside her. She was sound asleep.

"Kate," he said, pushing her hair back. "Kate, wake up."

Ensign McLeod rolled back and pushed her hands at Malcolm's arm. "No," she mumbled, still asleep. "Please don't..."

Lieutenant Reed frowned and shook her shoulder. "Kate, wake up."

Kate gasped and jerked awake, sitting up quickly. She looked around nervously, then realized what was going on. "Malcolm," she said, relieved, "Thank God." Her eyes began to water despite her trying to force her feelings down.

Reed looked over Kate's clothes. She was wearing the Captain's t-shirt and boxers. She sat forward and winced, rubbing her arm and shoulder bruises. The gravity of the situation was not lost on him.

He exhaled slowly and helped her out of bed. "The Captain's back to himself," he said, and Kate gazed at him, not quite sure what to feel. "We need to get you to Sickbay."

"I'm alright," she said, knowing she wasn't.

"I'm taking you there whether you like it or not," he said, smiling softly. He grabbed a jacket from the closet and hung it over Kate's shoulders. She smiled, despite her pain.

"How is the Captain?" she asked as they left his quarters. Her voice was barely above a whisper.

"He'll be fine," said Malcolm. He tilted his head and looked into her eyes. "He's very worried about you."

She cast her eyes down. "Yeah," she said, feeling nauseous at the prospect of seeing him again.

Malcolm pursed his lips and sighed. He knew this wasn't going to be easy. For either of them.

*

Kate and Malcolm entered Sickbay, and both stopped short when they saw Archer sitting on a bio-bed. His back was facing them, and he had not heard them e.
.

Commander Tucker was awake and wide-eyed. Apparently the Captain had known what was in the liquid that the alien gave to Trip, and the Doctor had cured him. Tucker winced when he saw Kate's condition.

"You look like hell, Kate," he said. At her name, Archer twisted around, his face pale with concern. He jumped off the table and scurried towards the duo.

"Kate, are you alright?" he asked, his eyes alight with fear. At his approach, Ensign McLeod instinctively stepped back and moved into Reed, unconsciously needing his presence.

The Captain noticed Kate's apprehension immediately. His face softened. "I'm so sorry," he whispered.

Kate brushed a strand of hair behind her ear. coulcouldn't speak, only nod, as Reed put his arm around her waist and guided her to a bio-bed.

Archer swallowed hard, his heart fluttering as he watched them. He watched as Dr. Phlox ran a scanner over her body, along her arms and neck. His breathing caught in his throat as he recognized the cuts and bruises on her skin...cuts and bruises he was the cause of. He took a sharp breath when Kate winced in pain.

He couldn't fathom how she must be feeling, having had her Captain betray her in such a way. He felt like a monster. Knowing he hurt her caused him more pain than he had ever felt in his life.

His nerves startled in hope when Kate glanced at him, but those hopes were quickly crushed when she turned away. He was sure he saw fear in her eyes.

He bit his lip, wanting to draw the pain to something more tangible. Clenching his fists, he turned and stomped out of Sickbay, unable to stand witness to what she had endured.

*

It was days before Kate saw the Captain again. He had spent a lot of time alone, and when he wasn't alone he was talking with T'Pol and Tucker. They had completed an investigation into what had happened, but were unable to find anything that could lead them to the alien. So they had reluctantly gotten back to their routine.

Ensign McLeod sat alone in the Mess Hall, quietly sipping her coffee. It was just after the breakfast hour, but she was having a hard time tearing herself away from the table and going to work. It was her first day back on regular duty, and that regular duty was scheduled for the Bridge. She half-heartedly wished Phlox would order her to take a few more sick days.

She thought back to the last time she saw Jonathan Archer, and how hurt he had looked when she shied away from him. Even though she knew that he wasn't responsible for what happened, she couldn't bring herself to even look him in the eye. Each of his movements scared her, every glance sent waves of nausea through her body. The Captain had witnessed first-hand everything that had been done to her. There was no easy way to adjust to such a thing.

Sighing, she wondered how different things would have been if this never had happened. She had looked up to Jonathan Archer, been a great admirer of his. She smiled as she admitted to herself that she had nursed a crush on him when she first came aboard. Swallowing hard at the tension in her abdomen, she realized just how dangerous feelings can be.

Kate looked up as the doors to the Mess Hall swooshed open. Her hands tightened around her cup as Captain Archer slowly stepped into the room.

"Ensign," he said, his head lowered. "Are you alright? We were wondering why you weren't at your station."

Kate quickly got up and walked quickly towards the exit. "I'm sorry, sir," she said, not making eye contact, "I'll get to work right away."

She tried to walk past Archer, but he reached out and grabbed her arm. Kate gasped involuntarily, yanking her arm away and pinning her back to the wall.

Jonathan winced as he saw the intense fear in Kate's wide eyes. He shook his head and stepped back. "Kate, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you."

Ensign McLeod shuddered and took a deep breath, embarrassed at her reaction. She gathered all her strength and stood up straight, rubbing her arm where he had touched. "I'm sorry, sir," she said, eyeing the exit. "I-I have to go."

She walked to the doors, her eyes tearing up. She stopped when Archer's voice broke over the silence. "Please let me make this up to you," he said, quietly and sadly.

Kate suppressed a hard sob, and wrapped herself in her arms. She couldn't speak to him...not now. Without looking back, she exited the Mess Hall, leaving the Captain behind.

*

"Fuck!" cursed Archer, kicking his desk.

Commander Tucker bit his cheek. He watched from the couch as his commanding officer and friend damaged his ready room.

Jonathan picked up a communicator and threw it against the wall. Trip winced at the clatter. "Feel better?" he asked sarcastically.

Archer huffed and flopped down in a chair. Groaning, he rested his head on his hands. "I'll never be able to make it better, Trip," he said.

Tucker lowered his eyes. "She'll forgive you, Jonathan. Just give her time."

"You don't understand," he said, getting up from the chair and pacing, "You don't know what I did to her. The things I made her do..." He trailed off and got a far-away look in his eyes, remembering the pain he caused her.

Trip crossed his arms and looked at the Captain sympathetically. "You didn't do those things to her. In case you've forgotten, you weren't exactly yourself. That damn alien did those things. You know that. And she knows that."

He shook his head slowly. "Doesn't matter," he said quietly. "I could see everything that was going on. I know how afraid she was." Archer looked down at Tucker. "How afraid she is of me."

Trip sighed. "You need to talk to her."

"I don't want to cause her anymore pain, Trip," replied Archer sadly. "She doesn't want to be near me."

"She needs time," he repeated. "She's been through a lot, she just needs to think things over. Eventually, she'll be able to talk to you."

"God, I hope you're right," said Jonathan. "I don't think I could live with myself, seeing how she looks at me." He sighed and sat back down, feeling drained and defeated.

Commander Tucker allowed his friend the silence. He couldn't find the words to make him feel any better.

*

Kate didn't see the Captain for the rest of the day. Something told her that it was because he was avoiding her. As much as it made her uncomfortable to be around him, she didn't like not seeing him either.

You sure are messed up, she thought to herself as she made her way to Sickbay. She hated going there - it reminded her that things weren't going to be normal anytime soon. But Phlox insisted on checking up on her every day, making sure she was healing properly. She sighed as she entered the room.

"Good evening, Ensign," said Phlox, obviously expecting her. He patted the bio-bed, and Kate jumped up on it.

"How was your day?" asked the Doctor when she didn't respond. He ran a scanner over her and focused on the readings.

Kate glanced up at the alien. She licked her lips nervously. "It was alright," she said, non-commitally.

Dr. Phlox hadn't been around humans very long, but he knew when something was bothering one of them. They weren't exactly good at hiding emotions, and he prided himself on his observation skills. "Do you want to talk about it?" he asked.

Kate was surprised by the question. Then anxiety hit her when she realized no one else on the ship, besides Captain Archer, had offered to talk it over with her. Tears started forming in her eyes when she forced herself to recognize the fact that she *did* need to talk about it.

"Yes," she said, her voice a whisper. "But I don't know where to begin."

Phlox set down his instrument and gave the Ensign his full attention. "Well, why don't you start by telling me how you're feeling."

Kate swallowed and fought back a choke. "Feeling. Right," she said, looking to the floor. "I feel...I feel...so angry." The words came out through clenched teeth.

"Angry at what?"

"I'm so angry at him! I'm angry at myself! I'm so mad at this whole shitty thing. God," she sniffed, looking at Phlox, "I don't things will ever be right again."

"Things may never be the way they were, Ensign, but it can always become right again," he said, sympathetically.

She shook her head. "I can't even be in the same room with him," she said quietly. "I see him, and I can't breathe."

"Tell me, Ensign, would you react the same way if your attacker had been someone else?"

Kate wiped a tear from her eye and looked at Phlox, confused. "What do you mean?"

"Well," he said, taking a breath, "You know that Captain Archer wasn't personally responsible for what happened, right?"

Kate nodded, and he continued. "So, what if it had been someone else, say...Ensign Mayweather. Do you believe you would have an easier time forgiving him than you would the Captain?"

Kate frowned and looked away. "I don't know," she said, not fully understanding where Phlox was going with this.

"Kate," he said, placing his hand on her arm, "Perhaps you need to talk with him. While you have every reason to be uncomfortable around him, I think there may be some underlying reason for why you can't seem to face him."

"What kind of reason?" she asked, barely a whisper.

"You and the Captain had a good rapaport before any of this happened, Ensign. Does it hurt you more because you care for him?"

"Care for...," she said, trailing off. "You think I have feelings for him?" she asked, shaking.

Phlox shrugged. "Doesn't matter what I think," he said, patting her hand and picking up his scanner.

Kate looked to the ground, her mind buzzing with questions. Her stomach tightened as she thought about what Phlox had said. Deep down, she knew he was right about having to talk with Archer. She needed to face this.

She sighed, knowing it wouldn't be easy.

*

Captain Archer sat in his quarters, thinking thoughts he wished would just disappear.

The door chimed. Archer called "enter", and T'Pol walked into the room.

"What can I do for you, T'Pol?" he asked, scratching Porthos' neck.

The Vulcan held her hands behind her back and studied the Captain. "Commander Tucker and I were talking," she said, "I thought perhaps you could use a sounding board."

Archer smirked and looked up to her. "Sounding board, eh?" He sighed heavily. "I don't think talking about it will help. Besides, Trip and I already had a discussion."

T'Pol stepped forward. "The Commander was worried about you, Captain. He didn't think he could help you. I volunteered."

His face turned hard. "I'm not the one who needs help. Ensign McLeod is."

"You need assistance, also," she responded. "What is it about this situation that's bothering you?"

Archer narrowed his eyes and got up from his chair. He frowned and walked up to the Vulcan. "Are you stupid? What do you think it is that's bothering me?"

T'Pol easily ignored his anger. "I think you are over-reacting."

The Captain stared at her like she was crazy. "Over-reacting?" he repeated, stunned. "Do you realize what I did? Do you know how damaging that is to someone?"

"You didn't do anything," she said, matter-of-factly. "An alien entity took over your body. You had no control."

"You don't understand," he yelled, clenching his fists. "I did have control! That alien may have been controlling my movements, but he wasn't in control of how my body reacted! I was!" His eyes were ablaze with shame and anger, and were rimmed with tears.

T'Pol raised her head slowly. "And this is why you are acting so harshly, I presume."

He nodded his head, stepping away. "Now you're getting it."

"Captain," she said, and he turned to look at her. "Under normal circumstances, a commanding officer should not have a relationship with one of his crew. It creates conflict. However, under these circumstances, I believe it would be best if you faced your feelings, and let her know about them."

Archer frowned. "What are you talking about?" he asked, tired.

"I think the first step is for you to really think about why you became aroused in such a situation."

The Captain lowered his eyes. "I allowed myself to find pleasure in raping her."

"You allowed yourself to find pleasure in being near her. The rape was forced on her, not by you, but by the alien. I suggest you face that," said T'Pol.

Jonathan Archer slumped back into his chair. "I think I need to be alone, Sub-Commander," he said, quietly.

T'Pol nodded and left his quarters.

*

The next morning, Kate avoided the Mess Hall. She would have avoided work, too, but she knew that would only draw attention to her situation.

Her stomach tossed and turned as she thought back to what Phlox had said. If things had been different, she too wondered how she would have reacted to Archer if he had been interested in her. She snorted to herself, remembering how she used to think before everything had happened. She never thought she'd get close to him. Now she was too close.

She entered the Bridge, and T'Pol looked at her funny. "Hello," she said, not sure why the Vulcan was paying her any attention. The Sub-Commander only nodded and then turned her face to the viewscreen.

Malcolm came up behind her and touched her shoulder. "Hey," he said, and she jumped. He winced. "Sorry."

Kate laughed lightly. "No, it's okay," she said. "What's up?"

"You look like you could use a night out," he said, smiling. "Ensign Cutler is having a birthday party tonight. Care to join me?"

Kate's eyes shadowed and she shook her head. "I don't know, Malcolm. I'm not sure I'm ready for that."

Lieutenant Reed leaned in close. "It would do you some good," he said. "You can't keep yourself locked away forever."

"I can try," she responded, half-jokingly. She sighed when Malcolm rolled his eyes. "I'm sorry," she said, "I suppose you're right. But I don't know if I'll stay long."

Malcolm smiled. "That's fine. I'll pick you up tonight." He winked at went back to his station.

Kate sighed and got back to work, a little surprised at the feelings running through her. She couldn't help but smile to herself. It never occured to her that she might become excited at something again, but here she was, feeling a little happy about having somewhere fun to go. She was actually looking forward to the party.

*

It was early evening when Kate went to see Dr. Phlox again. He was scanning her when Captain Archer walked into the room.

Kate froze, her breath caught in her throat. She sat up straight, trying her best to wear her bravery on her sleeve.

Jonathan looked at Ensign McLeod with deeply worried eyes. "Kate, please, could we talk for a moment? Alone?" he asked, looking to Phlox.

Kate's mouth went dry. She really didn't want to be alone with the Captain, but what the Doctor had said before made sense. She needed to face this. And deep down, she knew the Captain wouldn't hurt her.

She swallowed and managed a nod. "I'll be right outside if you need me," said Phlox, leaving the room.

Kate crossed her arms in front of her as Archer began pacing the room. He stopped and licked his lips, prepared to say something, but ignored that urge and began pacing again. Ensign McLeod didn't know what to do.

Finally the Captain stopped and peered into Kate's dark eyes. "Do you have any idea how sorry I am?" he said.

Kate looked up at him, and instantly found herself feeling sad for him. It was almost a relief that she could feel that for him, something other than fear or anger. "It wasn't your fault," she said quietly.

Jonathan wanted so badly to move forward, but he was afraid of frightening her. So he remained a few feet away from the ensign, alternating between staring at the floor and staring at her pained face.

Archer shook his head slowly. "God," he said, looking away, "I can imagine how much you hate me right now. I need to make it up to you, Kate, but if you don't want me around, I'll understand."

Somehow, hearing that only made Kate's anxiety worse. "I don't hate you," she whispered, "And I'm sorry you had to go through that, too." Tears began to form in her eyes despite promising herself she would not cry.

Jonathan looked at her and felt nothing but a severe need to go to her. He stepped forward, but was knocked off balance when the Enterprise lurched.

He was immediately back on his feet. Kate jumped off the bio-bed to balance herself as the ship rocked again. Alarms went off and the lights went dim. Ensign McLeod immediately went for the doors, afraid of being in the dark. Alone. With him.

She slapped the button for the doors to open, but nothing happened. She hit it hard, anxiety welling up in her chest. "Goddam it," she growled, kicking the doors.

"Kate," said Archer, "The comm and computers are down, too." Kate turned to look at the Captain, her eyes wide. They had no idea what was going on outside the ship, and had no way of contacting anyone.

She took a deep, shuddering breath and leaned her forehead against the door. Jonathan stayed on the other side of the room, afraid to panic her any further.

*

An hour passed before Captain Archer finally gave up on trying to fix everything. He sighed and slumped down the wall. "I was never very good with computers," he said, smirking.

Ensign McLeod sat on the other side of the room, her arms around her legs. She sighed at the familiarity of it all. Low lighting and Captain Archer. Her muscles tensed when she allowed herself to go there.

Jonathan couldn't help but watch Kate, sitting as far away from him as she could. He couldn't help when the memories began to surface. In the shadows, he could make out her body, the gentle rising and lowering of her chest, her long, slender fingers tight around her legs.

He groaned lightly and rubbed his eyes, annoyed that he was allowing himself to do this. He sniffed and looked up at her again. She briefly met his eyes, then turned away, resting her chin on her knees. It was at that second he realized just how badly he needed to be there with her.

"Kate," he said, barely loud enough for her to hear. She raised her eyes up. He paused at her gaze, the worry in her eyes hitting him in the stomach. He took a deep breath, realizing just then what he wanted to say. "I wanted things to be different," he said softly, praying she wouldn't take it the wrong way.

Kate froze for a few seconds before breaking down and letting out a small sob at those words and their meaning. She buried her head in her arms, clenching her teeth, trying so hard to stop from feeling. She couldn't, and she began to cry.

She didn't hear him move, but when Jonathan lightly placed his arm around her shoulders, Kate didn't shy away. She leaned into him softly, allowing him to touch her. He didn't speak to her, only made sure she knew she wasn't alone.

They stayed that way for less than a minute, when suddenly the lights in Sickbay came back on. The doors automatically whooshed open, and Lieutenant Reed flew through the doors.

Kate quickly wiped the tears from her eyes and got up, stepping away from the Captain. "Are you two alright?" asked Malcolm, unsure of the situation.

Jonathan's eyes went soft with hurt when Kate moved away from him. She wouldn't even meet his gaze. He sighed and looked to his Security Chief. "We're fine. What happened?"

Malcolm glanced at Kate once more before filling in the Captain on what had happened. Kate listened distantly about how the ship had hit an ion storm, and shorted out all the computer functions on the ship. Nothing serious. No injuries.

Kate held herself tight, confused by her reaction to the Captain. She mumbled an 'excuse me' to the officers and quickly left Sickbay.

Jonathan moved to go after her, but stopped himself. He rubbed his temples. "What am I supposed to do, Malcolm?" he asked, shaking his head. "How can I make this better?"

Lieutenant Reed sighed. "I'm not sure you can, Captain. I think she has to make it right herself." He paused at Archer's pained expression. "She needs time."

"Right," he said, clearly angry. Fighting down the words he felt like yelling, the Captain clenched his fists and stomped out of Sickbay, leaving Malcolm Reed in his wake.

*

Kate sat in her quarters, unable to sleep. She could still feel Jonathan's hand on her body, the warmth of his palm through her uniform.

She sat thinking, wondering why she had allowed herself to get physically close to the Captain. It hurt her when she realized she had unintentionally allowed herself to believe that she would never again be able to trust him. But he had touched her, and she hadn't been frightened. She had been nervous, but not because of their history. It had been something different.

Kate's door chimed, breaking her thoughts. She groaned, not wanting visitors. Getting up and crossing the room, she smacked the lock when she arrived at the door. It swooshed open to reveal Ensign Sato.

"Hoshi?" said Kate, surprised to see her. "Is something wrong?"

Sato looked worried. Kate stepped aside and allowed her to enter. "I just talked to Malcolm," she said, and Kate blushed. "He's worried about you. And the Captain."

Kate smiled and shook her head. "He doesn't have to be."

"Captain Archer came to the Bridge a few minutes ago," she said, wringing her hands. "He looked very upset." Kate's face fell involuntarily. She looked away from Hoshi and sighed.

When she didn't say anything, Hoshi continued. "He left pretty quick, too. I don't think there's anything I can say to him that would help, but I thought maybe if you needed to talk to someone, a woman's company might help."

Kate was tired of crying. She didn't have any tears left. Moving back to the couch, she sat down and curled up. "I didn't mean to hurt him," she whispered.

Hoshi sat down beside her. "He's very concerned about you, Kate."

Ensign McLeod rubbed her eyes and looked at Hoshi. "How can I get past this? The things that alien made him do to me...Hoshi, I don't think I'll ever forget that."

The brunette smiled. "You don't have to forget to be able to get past it. You just can't allow it to control your life."

"I feel so ashamed," whispered Kate.

Hoshi touched her shoulder. "You have no need to be ashamed. What happened was beyond your control. And beyond the Captain's control. You are both victims."

"Victims. Yeah," she said, letting out a deep breath. She paused, hesitant to continue, but feeling a need to. "I did things, Hoshi, things I am so afraid to face. And he saw them all. He saw me do those things to him."

Sato's face softened. She rubbed Kate's shoulder, trying to comfort her. "He doesn't think any less of you, Kate. Is that what you're worried about?"

She smirked lightly. "Odd that I would be worried about that, of all things."

"I think you two really need to talk things out."

Kate rolled her eyes. "That's what everyone keeps telling me. Talk it out. Always talk." She sighed. "I don't want to relive it."

"If you don't face it, you can never move past it," said Hoshi. "I realize that you're scared, but Jonathan needs you, too."

"He doesn't need me," she said quietly.

"This happened to him too, Kate. It doesn't lessen your ordeal by talking to him about it." Hoshi smiled warmly. "And I think he does need you. And maybe, right now, you need him too."

Kate bit her lip and tucked her hair behind her ears. Hoshi got up from the couch and looked down at her. "I to to go. If you need anything, you let me know, okay?"

Ensign McLeod nodded, and Hoshi left her quarters. Kate sat back, thinking about what her friend had said.

*

TBC