The Boys From Tennessee
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G through L › Lost
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
61
Views:
2,735
Reviews:
39
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
G through L › Lost
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
61
Views:
2,735
Reviews:
39
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own Lost, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
I Never Wanted To Tell You
The Boys From Tennessee
Rating: NC17 M/M Discussion of violence.
Author: Chissy_Rose
Pairing: Sawyer/Peter
Author’s Notes/Disclaimer: They’re not mine, I don’t own them. No infringement intended.
The Boys From Tennessee
Chapter 35 (35/60)
I Never Wanted To Tell You
Two hours later Sawyer was startled awake. He wasn’t sure at first why he was awake but he figured it out quickly. Peter was having nightmares again and was screaming and struggling in his arms. Sawyer called out his name and shook him very gently to wake him. Peter wrestled from his grip and got out of the bed immediately. Sawyer got up too and lit three of the oil lamps. Peter was getting dressed rapidly.
“Where are you going? It’s 3 am! There’s no place to go Peter.”
“I don’t know. I just have to get out. I can’t stay in here any more tonight,” Peter said, still dressing.
Sawyer regretted hurting Peter so badly earlier, and thought ‘he’s running away from me’. “Why not? This is your place… do you want me to leave then?” Sawyer asked.
“No, I don’t care. I just need to walk some. I was having nightmares again… you were in them this time,” Peter said hurriedly. He was clearly shaken up.
“What was happening? What was I doing?” Sawyer asked. “Don’t leave like this Peter… you’re still too upset. Talk to me damn it!” Peter stopped, dropped his head, not looking at him and sighed heavily. Sawyer grimaced; it was never good when Peter looked down to avoid eye contact. “Yell at me or cuss me out if you need to. I’m sorry for hurtin’ you so badly tonight. I was just so pissed at you lying about who you were screwing. Even if I don’t like who you’re fooling around with, just be honest with me. I’ll never squeeze you like that again. You’re really upset and anxious. I’m begging you to tell me what’s got you so freaked.”
Peter’s lower lip trembled. “You were in my dream. Remember you cut my shirt off me with a razor sharp knife earlier? That’s really scary to me James. My old man used to do that to me and usually the sadistic bastard cut me while he raped me afterwards…” Tears spilled out onto his face and Peter wiped them away with the back side of his hand. “That’s what I was dreaming. It was you cutting my clothes off and then slicing me while you raped me… It was like he was you and I couldn’t get away.”
Sawyer was distressed. He hadn’t known that would bother him so badly. No wonder he’d seen fear on his face when he’d done it. He got down on his knees and sat at Peter’s feet. “I screwed up badly again didn’t I? I didn’t know he cut your clothes off and then cut you. I’m so sorry. I won’t do that ever again. What do you want me do? Talk to me please…”
“We need to talk some… you have no idea how badly this dream scared me. Can you get dressed and walk with me now?” Peter asked. Sawyer nodded and got dressed quickly. Sawyer followed him and they walked along the dark water’s edge.
“It really scares me shitless that I thought he was you in this dream James. I know that you using the knife is what made me dream it. I told Libby that I’ve been worried about things getting outa hand and me hurtin’ you or even killin’ you.” Sawyer stopped walking and put his hand on Peter’s arm.
“Have I done anything to you that’s makin’ you want to kill me Peter? I know I was way rougher than I shoulda been tonight. And I promise again I won’t squeeze your balls like that ever.”
“Don’t ever do that again. That was really bad – you really hurt me. I’m still hurting, even into my guts. You gotta learn where to stop James. Nobody likes pain that intense. Don’t torture me for Christ’s sake. If I call you off with the safewords, by God, stop and back off. You grab me there and squeeze me again – we’re through. I’ll walk away from you and never look back. That’s the kind of pain my old man put me through. He didn’t just rape me. He emotionally abused me and tortured me. I can’t take torture any more. I talked to Libby about our relationship and told her about you hurtin’ me in front of Jack and not stoppin’ it. I didn’t tell her how though. You know what I’m talkin’ about right?”
Sawyer shook his head yes, “Yeah, and I promised I won’t do that again Peter.”
“And I believe you. But the part you gotta understand is how it affects me. That’s what I was talkin’ to Libby about. It’s not the BDSM cause you know I get off on it, and I know you do too. I’m talkin’ about you torturing me. We gotta have boundaries for this to work. You’ve been past them a couple of times now and that’s bad. How can I trust you if you go way beyond what I can stand? If I safeword you and you go way beyond that boundary, it really upsets me. That’s what you need not to do. Shit! I don’t wanna kill you and I’m afraid I might if you push me too far…”
Sawyer stood shocked, slack mouthed with his brow knotted up. “I don’t wanna lose you. I get what you’re saying about not exceeding your boundaries and I’m sorry. But you’ve never said anything like this before Pete. I don’t understand why you’re talkin’ about killin’ me. We love each other don’t we? Why are you even thinking’ like this?”
“Shit! I never wanted to tell you or have you find out. Maybe I should so you’ll understand why my boundaries are important. Only Julie and Libby know this. I don’t want you telling anybody else. Ever. You understand?” Peter questioned.
“Yeah I understand.”
“Walk with me. I can’t stand still and tell you this… You know my old man went to prison in Tennessee for almost killin’ me and all the things he did to me growin’ up. I gave ‘em a full statement on all the things he’d done to me and all about the porn he’d made, sold and distributed. They put him away for a long time. Well, my old man escaped from his prison work crew. He wasn’t even supposed to be assigned to a work crew outside the prison, but he escaped. He and one of his friends, who had raped me in the past, broke into my apartment when my roommate wasn’t home. He’d come for revenge – he was gonna tear me up and then kill me. I came home, unlocked the front door and went in.” Peter paused, trying to keep his composure. “First they beat the shit outa me and then they both raped me and…” Sawyer could see him physically shaking now. Peter continued, “They sodomized me with the Glock too… oh God I thought I was gonna die right then. His friend decided he wanted one last fuck and my old man left to go out to the car for something and left his friend in the apartment with me. I knew there was a dagger hidden. I found it and cut his hand so badly he couldn’t fire the gun and I knocked it away. And then I cut his throat all the way down to his spine. I’d never seen blood like that in my life. Every heart beat it floods out. My old man came back in and saw his friend. He and I struggled and fought and I stabbed him to death. They said I’d put over 100 stab wounds in him. My neighbors had called the police and EMS when they’d heard my screaming. They were both dead before the police and EMS arrived. They found me sitting next to him. Both my wrists slit, blood all over me, totally non-responsive. I’d tried to kill myself again but they got me to the ER in time. They transferred me from the general hospital to the State Hospital where my therapist started working with me. I was never charged. It was ruled self-defense. But I spent six months in the State Hospital. He saw me the next four years out-patient. He said what I’d done was self-survival and that I shouldn’t be a danger to anyone else… But I’m afraid cause you’ve really hurt me a couple of times now and I’ve gotten so upset about it. Now this dream tonight has really got me worried… I love you and I’m scared shitless that I might do something to you if things go too far. I brutally killed my own father!” Peter was crying as he stopped, knelt down in the sand and wrapped his arms around Sawyer’s legs.
Sawyer felt like his heart was breaking. He put his hands on Peter’s head and stroked it. He was anguished and worried more about Peter than himself.
“I had no idea you were carrying around a burden like that and you’ve been worried about this. I understand why I shouldn’t take you too far now. I didn’t know.” Sawyer got down on his knees too and wrapped both arms around Peter. “Forgive me Peter, please, I didn’t know… I love you so much and I’ve been so stupid.” He kissed Peter and held him tightly. After a while he asked Peter if he wanted to go on to his tent and Peter nodded yes. When they got back to Sawyer’s place they decided to lay down for a couple of hours before sunrise. They both fell asleep and Peter was still sleeping fitfully. Sawyer woke with a start again and realized that Peter was dreaming again. He could make out Peter was dreaming about being raped by six men and was begging them to stop, to not torture him. He was whimpering in his sleep and begging them to let him go back to Sawyer and Jack at the beach. Sawyer woke him up. Peter sat up in the bed scared and knew he’d been having another nightmare. He asked Sawyer what he had said in his dream. Sawyer said he was talking about six men raping him and that he was begging them to let him go back to his beach to he and Jack.
“Don’t worry about it. It’s a damn dream. You’re just rememberin’ things from your past again. Lie down and try to think about somethin’ else.” Sawyer whispered.
Peter moaned and shook his head sadly. “I’ve never had that happen Sawyer. It’s not from my past. It’s from the future. I’ve dreamed about what’s gonna happen again. Oh God help me…”
At Sawyer’s urging he lay back down again, but his mind wouldn’t quiet down and he thought about the dream and what Sawyer had done the rest of the night. He didn’t go back to sleep.
Rating: NC17 M/M Discussion of violence.
Author: Chissy_Rose
Pairing: Sawyer/Peter
Author’s Notes/Disclaimer: They’re not mine, I don’t own them. No infringement intended.
The Boys From Tennessee
Chapter 35 (35/60)
I Never Wanted To Tell You
Two hours later Sawyer was startled awake. He wasn’t sure at first why he was awake but he figured it out quickly. Peter was having nightmares again and was screaming and struggling in his arms. Sawyer called out his name and shook him very gently to wake him. Peter wrestled from his grip and got out of the bed immediately. Sawyer got up too and lit three of the oil lamps. Peter was getting dressed rapidly.
“Where are you going? It’s 3 am! There’s no place to go Peter.”
“I don’t know. I just have to get out. I can’t stay in here any more tonight,” Peter said, still dressing.
Sawyer regretted hurting Peter so badly earlier, and thought ‘he’s running away from me’. “Why not? This is your place… do you want me to leave then?” Sawyer asked.
“No, I don’t care. I just need to walk some. I was having nightmares again… you were in them this time,” Peter said hurriedly. He was clearly shaken up.
“What was happening? What was I doing?” Sawyer asked. “Don’t leave like this Peter… you’re still too upset. Talk to me damn it!” Peter stopped, dropped his head, not looking at him and sighed heavily. Sawyer grimaced; it was never good when Peter looked down to avoid eye contact. “Yell at me or cuss me out if you need to. I’m sorry for hurtin’ you so badly tonight. I was just so pissed at you lying about who you were screwing. Even if I don’t like who you’re fooling around with, just be honest with me. I’ll never squeeze you like that again. You’re really upset and anxious. I’m begging you to tell me what’s got you so freaked.”
Peter’s lower lip trembled. “You were in my dream. Remember you cut my shirt off me with a razor sharp knife earlier? That’s really scary to me James. My old man used to do that to me and usually the sadistic bastard cut me while he raped me afterwards…” Tears spilled out onto his face and Peter wiped them away with the back side of his hand. “That’s what I was dreaming. It was you cutting my clothes off and then slicing me while you raped me… It was like he was you and I couldn’t get away.”
Sawyer was distressed. He hadn’t known that would bother him so badly. No wonder he’d seen fear on his face when he’d done it. He got down on his knees and sat at Peter’s feet. “I screwed up badly again didn’t I? I didn’t know he cut your clothes off and then cut you. I’m so sorry. I won’t do that ever again. What do you want me do? Talk to me please…”
“We need to talk some… you have no idea how badly this dream scared me. Can you get dressed and walk with me now?” Peter asked. Sawyer nodded and got dressed quickly. Sawyer followed him and they walked along the dark water’s edge.
“It really scares me shitless that I thought he was you in this dream James. I know that you using the knife is what made me dream it. I told Libby that I’ve been worried about things getting outa hand and me hurtin’ you or even killin’ you.” Sawyer stopped walking and put his hand on Peter’s arm.
“Have I done anything to you that’s makin’ you want to kill me Peter? I know I was way rougher than I shoulda been tonight. And I promise again I won’t squeeze your balls like that ever.”
“Don’t ever do that again. That was really bad – you really hurt me. I’m still hurting, even into my guts. You gotta learn where to stop James. Nobody likes pain that intense. Don’t torture me for Christ’s sake. If I call you off with the safewords, by God, stop and back off. You grab me there and squeeze me again – we’re through. I’ll walk away from you and never look back. That’s the kind of pain my old man put me through. He didn’t just rape me. He emotionally abused me and tortured me. I can’t take torture any more. I talked to Libby about our relationship and told her about you hurtin’ me in front of Jack and not stoppin’ it. I didn’t tell her how though. You know what I’m talkin’ about right?”
Sawyer shook his head yes, “Yeah, and I promised I won’t do that again Peter.”
“And I believe you. But the part you gotta understand is how it affects me. That’s what I was talkin’ to Libby about. It’s not the BDSM cause you know I get off on it, and I know you do too. I’m talkin’ about you torturing me. We gotta have boundaries for this to work. You’ve been past them a couple of times now and that’s bad. How can I trust you if you go way beyond what I can stand? If I safeword you and you go way beyond that boundary, it really upsets me. That’s what you need not to do. Shit! I don’t wanna kill you and I’m afraid I might if you push me too far…”
Sawyer stood shocked, slack mouthed with his brow knotted up. “I don’t wanna lose you. I get what you’re saying about not exceeding your boundaries and I’m sorry. But you’ve never said anything like this before Pete. I don’t understand why you’re talkin’ about killin’ me. We love each other don’t we? Why are you even thinking’ like this?”
“Shit! I never wanted to tell you or have you find out. Maybe I should so you’ll understand why my boundaries are important. Only Julie and Libby know this. I don’t want you telling anybody else. Ever. You understand?” Peter questioned.
“Yeah I understand.”
“Walk with me. I can’t stand still and tell you this… You know my old man went to prison in Tennessee for almost killin’ me and all the things he did to me growin’ up. I gave ‘em a full statement on all the things he’d done to me and all about the porn he’d made, sold and distributed. They put him away for a long time. Well, my old man escaped from his prison work crew. He wasn’t even supposed to be assigned to a work crew outside the prison, but he escaped. He and one of his friends, who had raped me in the past, broke into my apartment when my roommate wasn’t home. He’d come for revenge – he was gonna tear me up and then kill me. I came home, unlocked the front door and went in.” Peter paused, trying to keep his composure. “First they beat the shit outa me and then they both raped me and…” Sawyer could see him physically shaking now. Peter continued, “They sodomized me with the Glock too… oh God I thought I was gonna die right then. His friend decided he wanted one last fuck and my old man left to go out to the car for something and left his friend in the apartment with me. I knew there was a dagger hidden. I found it and cut his hand so badly he couldn’t fire the gun and I knocked it away. And then I cut his throat all the way down to his spine. I’d never seen blood like that in my life. Every heart beat it floods out. My old man came back in and saw his friend. He and I struggled and fought and I stabbed him to death. They said I’d put over 100 stab wounds in him. My neighbors had called the police and EMS when they’d heard my screaming. They were both dead before the police and EMS arrived. They found me sitting next to him. Both my wrists slit, blood all over me, totally non-responsive. I’d tried to kill myself again but they got me to the ER in time. They transferred me from the general hospital to the State Hospital where my therapist started working with me. I was never charged. It was ruled self-defense. But I spent six months in the State Hospital. He saw me the next four years out-patient. He said what I’d done was self-survival and that I shouldn’t be a danger to anyone else… But I’m afraid cause you’ve really hurt me a couple of times now and I’ve gotten so upset about it. Now this dream tonight has really got me worried… I love you and I’m scared shitless that I might do something to you if things go too far. I brutally killed my own father!” Peter was crying as he stopped, knelt down in the sand and wrapped his arms around Sawyer’s legs.
Sawyer felt like his heart was breaking. He put his hands on Peter’s head and stroked it. He was anguished and worried more about Peter than himself.
“I had no idea you were carrying around a burden like that and you’ve been worried about this. I understand why I shouldn’t take you too far now. I didn’t know.” Sawyer got down on his knees too and wrapped both arms around Peter. “Forgive me Peter, please, I didn’t know… I love you so much and I’ve been so stupid.” He kissed Peter and held him tightly. After a while he asked Peter if he wanted to go on to his tent and Peter nodded yes. When they got back to Sawyer’s place they decided to lay down for a couple of hours before sunrise. They both fell asleep and Peter was still sleeping fitfully. Sawyer woke with a start again and realized that Peter was dreaming again. He could make out Peter was dreaming about being raped by six men and was begging them to stop, to not torture him. He was whimpering in his sleep and begging them to let him go back to Sawyer and Jack at the beach. Sawyer woke him up. Peter sat up in the bed scared and knew he’d been having another nightmare. He asked Sawyer what he had said in his dream. Sawyer said he was talking about six men raping him and that he was begging them to let him go back to his beach to he and Jack.
“Don’t worry about it. It’s a damn dream. You’re just rememberin’ things from your past again. Lie down and try to think about somethin’ else.” Sawyer whispered.
Peter moaned and shook his head sadly. “I’ve never had that happen Sawyer. It’s not from my past. It’s from the future. I’ve dreamed about what’s gonna happen again. Oh God help me…”
At Sawyer’s urging he lay back down again, but his mind wouldn’t quiet down and he thought about the dream and what Sawyer had done the rest of the night. He didn’t go back to sleep.