Infinity

TITLE: Infinity (31/36)

AUTHOR: Master F&M

FANDOM: Law and Order: SVU

RATING: Everything from PG to R—just like life.

SUMMARY: A Fin-based saga to follow his life that isn’t seen on the show.

DISCLAIMER: L&O: SVU and all its characters belong to Dick Wolf, NBC, and whomever

                          else puts the show out for our enjoyment. I just get to play with them.

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Sam is a character of my own creation. She does not exist on the show.

FEEDBACK: Please give some. For entertainment purposes only.

-----------------------------------------------

CHAPTER 31

            George watched from the viewing room as Detectives Tutuola and Munch finished their
interrogation of a suspect. He was always impressed with their technique. While Benson and
Stabler favored the tough cop/sympathetic cop routine, Munch and Tutuola got their best results
from a combination of sarcasm and fear. He glanced at Tutuola propped up against the wall
wearing his customary scowl. It didn’t take much to figure out which detective supplied which
effect.

&an>            Huang’s look lingered on Fin. He had to admit it; the detective intimidated him. It
wasn’t so much his physical stature that did it. He found Stabler’s height and build far more
imposing. What George found threatening about Fin was his demeanor. His entire persona
usually seemed so . . . menacing. Considering that, he still thought it interesting that Sam had
found him so appealing. But indeed she had.

            George folded his arms across his chest as he thought about his friend. He’d talked to
Sam several times since her move, and each time she’d sounded depressed. Everyone she was
close to was here in New York. Recognizing that she must be feeling incredibly lonely in
Baltimore, he turned his stare back to Fin, wondering if the detective had spoken to her. He
waited until Munch took the suspect back to the cage before entering the room.

            “Can you believe that guy?” Fin sat at the metal table jotting down notes in the file.
“You buying any of . . . ” He stopped mid-sentence when he saw it it was Huang, not Munch,
who’d come in.

            

            “Didn’t take a genius to figure that out.” Fin kept his eyes on the file.

            “I could talk to him,” George offered. “Maybe get him to loosen up some.”

            “We’ll let you know if we need your help.”

            George frowned. Tutuola seemed particularly hostile, even for him. He decided a more
friendly topic was in order.

            “Have you spoken to Sam at all?”

            Fin clenched his jaw. Son of a bitch. He looked up at Huang, glaring. “What the hell is
it to you? You still trying to clear the field?” He knew he might sound like a jealous ex, but it
felt good to get rid of some of the anger he’d been directing toward himself.

            George drew back, confused. “I beg your pardon?”

            “Let me ask you something,” Fin wasn’t listening. He stood and leaned on the table.
“When she spent the night with you, how much time did you spend convincing her she should
leave town?”

            George grew defensive. “Hold on a minute. It wasn’t my idea that she leave. I tried to
get her to take care of that transfer. She left because she wanted to.”

            “Yeah, and I bet you’re happy as hell about it.”

            “Why would that make me happy?”

            “Don’t give me that. Tell me you don’t think you have a better chance with her with me
out of the picture.” He gave Huang a derisive look.

            “Probably did the same thing with that Mark guy. You made sure to get rid of him, too.”

            George finally understood what Fin was talking about. This wasn’t really about him.
This was a jealous rant. Tutuola needed someone to blame for his breakup with Sam, and he’d
chosen him because she’d slept over at his apartment.

            “For the record, Detective,” Fin suddenly didn’t seem so threatening anymore. Not now
that George had gotten into his head. “Sam spent that night on the sofa. She came to see me
because she was upset. Upset about you.”

            Fin took that in. He didn’t like being reminded of the fact that he’d hurt her. “And I’m
sure you wanted to make her feel better.” His insinuation was clear.

            George almost smiled. “Wrong again, Detective. Sam isn’t my type.”

            “Yeah, right.” Fin scoffed at the idea. “Sam is every man’s type.”

            “Not if he’s gay.”

            Fin was speechless. He had never once even considered that possibility. He watched
Huang move toward the door.

            “Sam is a very dear friend to me, nothing more.” He paused. “I also did what I had to
with Mark because he was using her. And because they were poorly suited for one another.” He
opened the door and turned to face Fin.

            “The two of you, on the other hand, seemed very well suited.” He gave him one of his
knowing smiles. “The only issue now is what you intend to do about it.” He left the room,
leaving Fin to sink back into his seat.

            Elliot and Olivia exchanged looks on the other side of the mirror.

            “I didn’t know Huang was gay.”

            Elliot shrugged his shoulders in response. “Don’t ask, don’t tell.”

.................................................................. 

 

            Dorian shared the sofa with his dad while they watched a stand-up routine on TV. He
turned his head when Fin laughed. It was nice to hear him do it again. He’d been so down since
his girlfriend left.

            Dorian was convinced he was partly to blame for that. Despite what dad dad had told him,
he was fairly certain that it wasn’t okay with her that Fin hadn’t spent any time with her during
the month before she left. No woman would be. He’d be the first to admit that he didn’t know a
lot about the opposite sex, but he did know that much.

            He had begun to stay away from the apartment a bit more in order to give his dad some
space. He had, in fact, started looking for his own place, but was amazed at what a decent
apartment in the city could run. In Cambridge he’d been able to pay his share of the rent by
holding down a part-time job while he went to school. That wasn’t going to work in New York.
He’d never be able to make enough to live where he wanted to.

            Instead, he’d planned to have just a slightly larger portion of his trust fund allocated to
him each month. It was already being used to pay for his tuition at Harvard, and he figured since
it would cost less to attend Columbia, he could use the difference, and maybe just a bit more, to
cover the cost of an apartment. But he needed permission to do it. Until he turned twenty-five,
he couldn’t make any decisions regarding the trust on his own.

            His mother had flat out refused him. If he wanted to be with his father, she’d said, then
his father could provide for him. What she hadn’t known was that Dorian knew she wasn’t in
charge of the trust anymore. His grandparents had taken it out of her control some time after her
third wedding. Apparently, they no longer had much faith in her judgement.

            Dorian had gone to the Carvers and explained the situation to them. Despite their earlier
opinion of Fin, and in light of their own daughter’s mediocre career, they had to admit a grudging
respect for him now. He’d done what he set out to do and seemed to be good at it. The years had
mellowed their outlook so that they recognized Dorian, the single offspring of their sole child, as
the only family they had left. They approved his request on the condition that he continue to visit
them, and he had agreed.

            He hadn’t told his dad yet. He wasn’t sure anymore if he wanted to move out and leave
Fin alone after he’d given up so much to have Dorian around. He also hadn’t told him about
visiting his grandparents, but he knew that even if Fin didn’t like the Carvers, he wouldn’t try to
stop Dorian from seeing them any more than he had tried to keep him away from the rest of the
Tutuolas. They had gladly welcomed him back into the family, and he had made a point of
visiting them regularly.

            Dorian turned his attention back to the television. Fin was watching a commercial that
was using Bugs Bunny as its spokesperson. He wasn’t laughing anymore. Dorian remembered
Fin once mentioning that Bugs was Sam’s favorite cartoon. It was plain that Fin was
remembering that, too.

            “You miss her, don’t you?” Fin looked up, a little startled. Dorian didn’t give him a
chance to deny it.

            “Why don’t you just call and talk to her? Maybe she could come back.”

            “It ain’t that simple.” Fin rubbed his temples trying to ward off one of the headaches he’d
been getting from lack of sleep.

            “Why isn’t it?”

            Fin stood up. “Because sometimes you have to deal with the mess you make. She left
because of me. I just have to accept that and learn to live with it.” He grabbed the bottle of
aspirin he kept on the counter.

            “I’m gonna head off to bed and try to get some sleep, okay?”

            “Yeah, okay. ‘Night, Dad.”

            “‘Night.”

            Dorian waited until Fin closed his bedroom door before he got up. His dad must really be
out of it. He hadn’t admitted before that Sam left because of him. He’d told Dorian that she was
transferred back to Baltimore. But now he knew. More than that, Dorian understood. His father
had lost someone he really cared about because he’d been trying to take care of him. Well, his
dad might be willing to live with that, but he wasn’t.

         0;�  Dorian rifled through his bags until he found what he was looking for: Munch’s business
card. If his dad’s partner had been willing to go out of his way for him once before, then maybe
he’d be willing to do it again.

....................................................

            Fin threw a couple of aspirin into his mouth then fell on top of bed bed. He didn’t bother
with water to wash the pills down. Instead, he chose to chew them. They tasted awful, but he’d
found that they worked better that way. Unfortunately, he’d had way too many opportunities in
the past week to test that theory.

            He wasn’t getting enough sleep. Every night he’d crawl into bed, completely exhausted,
only to spend hours going over in his mind everything he’d done wrong with Sam. He’d relive
times he spent with her, exchanging what had actually happened with what he wished he’d done.
The same went for their conversations, except in his versions, he always said the exact words to
make things right.

            Fin rolled over and turned off the light. In spite of what he’d said to Dorian, he wasn’t
dealing with the mess he’d made of things. Not dealing with it well, anyway. The only things
that seemed to give him some comfort were his ‘do-overs’. Sometimes he could fool his
subconscious into believing he’d made peace with her long enough for him to sleep for a little
while. If he’d done a particularly good job of it, he even had dreams about her. Not the painful
ones like he’d had right after she left, but good ones where they were both happy. And together.

            The time he most often felt the need to redo was the day she left. He’d awakened that
morning to find her watching him sleep. She’d given him a sad, little smile, then announced that
she was going to shower and change. Everything else from that point on was a blur. He recalled
her calling for a cab because she’d already sent her car ahead, and him offering to give her a ride
to the airport instead. He knew that they talked, both at her apartment and in the car on the way,
but he couldn’t remember about what, only that it wasn’t important. That it wasn’t what he’d
really wanted to say.

            He’d said nothing even as he hugged her goodbye and watched her walk through the
terminal doors. He had trouble breathing for a few seconds afterward, but still, he’d said
nothing.

            Fin rolled onto his back again and locked his hands across his chest. Needing to rest, he
tried to clear everything from his mind but found it impossible. As a last resort, he sought help
from his Peace.

            Fin closed his eyes and searched his mind for the first familiar sounds of it. When any
other thought tried to take focus, he pushed it aside and continued listening untilcoulcould faintly
make out the sound of children laughing. It grew louder as he mentally moved toward it, until,
finally, he was there with it.

            Peace Fin reclined in a chair outdoors with the sun mildly on his face. With his eyes
closed, he didn’t know exactly where he was, but he could feel a breeze blowing and hear birds
chattering in the near distance. And as always, his kids were there. He never gave much thought
to how many there were, but knew from their mingled voices that it was definitely more than
two.

            Peace Fin and Real Fin both smiled as the giggling turned a little rowdier. They heard the
sound of water splashing, then Peace Fin felt it as well. He sat forward a little when the kids
circled around his chair, one apparently being chased by the others. Both Fins laughed as the one
being chased pleaded for Peace Fin’s protection, then ran off howling with the others right
behind.

            Peace Fin was settling back in his chair, listening to their play, when he felt a presence
next to him. Instinctively, he knew it was their mother, and turned his head toward her as she
leaned in close to his ear.

            “Happy, Fin?”

    㺼&60;      Real Fin’s eyes flew open and stayed that way.

.......................................................................

            Munch looked up from his notes to see if Fin was done questioning his witness. He
watched as his partner frowned, flipped through the pages of his notepad, then said something to
the man in front of him. Munch hoped he’d be done soon. All afternoon they’d been talking to
people who’d witnessed their latest case while it was actually happening, and now he was tired.
He couldn’t wait to get home and avail himself of one of Tori’s massages. He also wanted to
give Sam a call to see how she was doing.

            Munch looked over at his partner again. He was alone now, rubbing his temples and
forehead, and looked to Munch like he was in pain. Good. The unkind thought surfaced before
he could censor it, but he only half regretted it once it was out. Fin had, after all, broken his little
girl’s heart. He deserved some pain of his own.

            He watched Fin take a bottle from his jacket pocket, shake out a couple of pills, then pop
them into his mouth and chew them. Munch turned his head away and blew out a breath.

            He didn’t mean it. Not really. As much as he thought he should be angry with Fin, and
maybe even wanted to be, he wasn’t. Not to any significant degree, anyway. Sam had even
intervened on his behalf, admonishing her uncle to not resent Fin for her leaving. Things just
happened, she’d said. It wasn’t his fault. She’d promised she’d be back again when things were
a little less intense for her.

            Despite her wishes, though, things had been awkward between Munch and Fin those first
couple of days. Munch had been more than annoyed with him. He believed that some people
were just determined to be unhappy, and that apparently, Fin was one of them. He’d thought that
at this point Fin should have been the happiest he’d ever been in his life, but instead, there was
his partner: sitting acrorom rom him looking miserable because of his own doing. Munch hadn’t
had much to say to him.

            Fin had been quiet himself during those days. Quiet even for him. He knew that Munch
was upset with him but had nothing to extend as a peace offering. It made for a very
uncomfortable work environment. He was now even more stressed on the job, as well as upset at
home, and wasn’t getting any sleep because of it. He’d started getting his headaches then.

            It had been difficult for Munch to stay annoyed with Fin when he’d seen how hard Fin
was taking Sam’s departure. It wasn’t any help to Fin, either, when the guys at the precinct
started riding him again about Sam. This time, though, because, as they chose to see it, he’d
been dumped when Sam moved on to greener pastures. Not only did Munch start to feel bad for
Fin, but he started to feel guilty over his own role in the whole thing. He was responsible for
bringing them together, and thought that now they were both worse off than if they’d never met.

            Initially, he’d thought to try and help them work things out, but lately he’d been thinking
that maybe he shouldn’t get involved. Tori had laughed at him. He’d set the whole thing up with
almost Machiavellian thinking, and now he thought he shouldn’t get involved? She felt he
almost had a moral obligation to do so.

            That was certainly on his mind when he’d gotten that unexpected phone call from Dorian.

Apparently, Fin was even worse off than Munch had thought. Dorian had told him that he’d
often found Fin sitting up late at night, and that he’d started going through aspirin like it was
candy. He was convinced it was because of Sam leaving. He’d also told him that he knew Sam
and his dad had stopped seeing each other because of him, and wanted to do something about it.
He thought she should know that Fin seemed pretty broken up without her, and wanted to know
if Munch could pass on that information to her. Munch had agreed, but thought it would work
best if she heard it from Fin himself.

            He walked over to his car, got in, and waited for Fin to finish up with his last witness.
This assignment had taken longer to wrap up than he would have expected. With his lack of
sleep, and with his mind on other things, Fin had been having tro con concentrating. Munch was
worried about what that might mean for him out on the streets.

            Fin got in the car, buckled up, and laid his head back on the seat with his eyes closed.
Munch headed back to the station house before looking over at him.

            “Another headache?”

            “Yeah.” Fin took out the bottle again and chewed a few more pills.

            “How many of those a day are you up to now?” Fin turned his head to look at him, then
turned away again, annoyed with the question.

      &;
     “Man, I don’t know. I ain’t counting.”

            “Wow,” Munch gave him a quick glance. “For someone as anti-drug as you are, don’t
you think that’s a little irresponsible?” Fin didn’t answer.

            “Have you at least gone to see a doctor?” Munch knew he was coming off more brusque
than he meant to, but Fin didn’t respond well to sympathy.

            “No, and can’t you just drop it?”

            “No, actually I can’t. That would be irresponsible of me, now wouldn’t it?”

     &;
      Fin took a deep breath and rubbed his hand across his forehead again. Obviously, the
pills weren’t working. Munch knew he had to go to the source of the pain.

            “Have you even talked to her since she’s left?” Fin dropped his chin onto his chest and
shook his head.

            “I ain’t doing this with you right now.”

            “No? Then when? Because how it’s affecting you, affects me, too. You’re not sleeping,
so you can’t concentrate on your work. You spent nearly an hour yesterday working on a file it
used to take you fifteen minutes to finish. You’ve been a mess since Sam left.”

            “Don’t tell me I’m not doing my job.”

            “This isn’t about the damn job. It’s about two people who were happy when they were
together, and now both are miserable because they’re apart.” Munch pulled his car up to the
front of the station house and sat back.

            “Listen, Fin. Trust me when I tell you that love isn’t as easy to find as they make it out to
be on TV. It’s a rare thing. A gift. I’ve seen the way you’ve looked at Sam when you thought
no one was watching. Despite what the jerks in the unit are saying, I know that look has nothing
to do with what happens in your pants; it’s about what you feel in your heart. You two
connected. Really connected. Don’t be too quick to give that up. Who knows when, or even if,
you’ll ever find it again.”

            Munch’s speech struck a cord in Fin’s memory. It recalled a conversation he’d had with
his grandmother when he was much younger. He’d asked her how he would know when he’d
met the right girl. She told him he would know because it would seem as if she’d always been
there, and that he should work hard to keep her because he wouldn’t be able to imagine the rest
of his life without her.

            Fin took off his seatbelt and opened the car door. “Cover for me with the Captain.” He
started toward his own car.

            “Cover for you for what?” Munch stuck his head out the window. “Where are you
going?”

            “Baltimore.”