The Long, Lonely Road Ahead

The following events take place after Hotch’s divorce but prior to JJ’s giving birth.

Please read and rate and review! Well, we’re doing a bit better. 33 chapters now, 891 or so hits, 3 ratings, but still only one review. We’re just about done, so please, find it in your hearts to give me a bit of feedback. My poor ego needs something.

The Long, Lonely Road Ahead

Chapter Thirty-Three

True to his word, half an hour later, the monstrous agent at my door brought in a bag of dinner and my stuff. When he’d left and locked the door behind him, I sat at the kitchen table and ate my dinner. Aaron had sent over a meal of pasta and salad, with a bottle of red wine. I found a bottle opener in the kitchen drawer, but no wine glasses, so I poured my drink into a tumbler. I looked through the books he’d sent over and had a small laugh. He’d obviously consulted Pen. There was a strange mix of books: Guns, Germs and Steel by Jared Diamond; Dead and Gone, by Charlaine Harris; and The Omnivore’s Dilemma, by Michael Pollan. He’d also thrown in a sudoku book, a crossword book, and some pens and pencils. There was a TV set, but I just wasn’t really interested. I settled down with Guns, Germs, and Steel first, reading while I ate dinner. Soon enough, though, even with a good book, I was bored. I’d drunk most of the bottle of wine and was feeling pretty sorry for myself. There was a phone in the room, but I didn’t know anybody’s phone numbers to call them. It was around 9 at night by that point and I wasn’t quite ready for bed, but I couldn’t see anything else I wanted to do. So I brushed my teeth and put on my sleep shirt, crawling into the bed with my book. In minutes, I was fast asleep.

I dreamed a variation of the same nightmare I’d had over and over again in the last week or so. I was in bed, Aaron underneath me, and we were making love. I was riding him slowly, his eyes were closed in ecstasy, and I was so very close to coming. Suddenly, the door burst open and my mother was standing there, wearing fatigues, pointing a gun at me. She spoke to me, but I couldn’t make out what she was saying. Then I wasn’t on the bed any more, but was standing naked in the middle of Aaron’s kitchen and he was pointing his gun at me, telling me to put my hands over my head or he’d have to shoot. I did what he wanted and he looked at me, his face a mask of hideous hatred and anger. Then he pulled the trigger.

I sat up in bed, my heart pounding, and I could tell I’d been screaming. There was a fumbling at the lock to the door, and a different agent burst in, gun drawn.
“Don’t shoot, don’t shoot!” I yelled, throwing my hands up. He secured the room before putting his gun away.
“Ma’am, are you okay?” he asked, his bass voice rumbling in his chest.
“I had a nightmare, that’s all,” I told him, shivering slightly. I pulled my covers around my shoulders. “It’s nothing. Happens all the time.”
“If you’re certain you’re okay,” he said, looking at me sceptically.
“I’m fine,” I said, waving him away. “I’ll be fine.” He nodded and left the room, locking the door behind him. I hugged my knees to my chest, sighing and shivering. So far I’d slept the best with Aaron next to me, his arm around me. I needed his presence to keep the demons at bay. But if that was the case, then why was he always shooting me in the nightmare? What the hell was that about? I lay back down and tried to go back to sleep, but it was a long time coming.

When I finally awakened to my alarm at 7 am, I was exhausted from not sleeping most of the night. Every time I closed my eyes, I had the same nightmare. I could almost feel Aaron shooting me. Now, I knew… I knew deep inside that the shooting was a violent representation of male penetration, but I didn’t really want to go there. I showered and dressed for my day with the DA’s questionnaire, making myself a cup of truly awful coffee from the can in the cupboard and the automatic coffee maker on the counter. There wasn’t much else to eat in the cupboard or fridge, so I drank awful coffee with non-dairy creamer and Equal, and hoped I’d get something better for breakfast or lunch. I waited until about 8:30, when the door finally opened. Emily Prentiss was there, a cup of Starbucks coffee in her hand.

“Here,” she said, handing it to me. “I thought you might prefer this.”
“God, thanks,” I said, sipping the hot brew. “Where’s Aaron?”
“Uh, he couldn’t make it,” she said, ushering me out of the apartment. “He’s got work to do. We’ve got another case. But he asked me to take you to the DA’s office this morning.”
“Sure,” I said, but I was feeling a bit… heart broken? Was that it? Seemed a bit extreme to me, but after the dream I’d had I was feeling a serious need for some contact and reassurance. I wondered if I was going to see him before I was whisked off to some undisclosed location where I’d receive my new identity or whatever they did.

Emily drove me to the DA’s office, where they sequestered me in a small room with an ADA, a recording device, and a huge list of questions. I sighed as I sat down at the table. This was going to be a very long day.
“Before we begin, is there anything you need?” the ADA asked me.
“I haven’t had anything to eat,” I said.
“We’ll have something brought in,” she replied, opening her cell phone. “Why don’t you start by looking over the first set of questions while I make the call.”
“Sure.” I opened the file to the first page and we began.

Fourteen hours later, I was done, more or less. Apparently, the DA wanted to have a look at the information I’d provided first—and he wanted to check to see what was true and what wasn’t—before he would set me free. The ADA looked fried and I felt exhausted, my eyes gritty. I’d had way too much coffee and not enough food. I was tired but too wired to sleep any time soon. It was just after one in the morning, and I was ready to lay my head down on the table, but the ADA wouldn’t let that happen.
“Come on,” she said, putting on her red blazer and doing up the buttons. “Time to go.” “Where?” I asked fuzzily. She opened the door to the small office we were in, and Aaron was standing in the doorway.
“ SSA Hotchner,” she said. “Thanks for coming to get her.”
“She’s under our protection,” Aaron told her. He gestured for me to come with him and I did, gladly. “Come on, Terra. We’ve got to get back to Quantico.”
“That sucks,” I said. I stumbled a bit walking through the door and Aaron caught me. The ADA raised her eyebrows.
“I’d heard that your relationship was more than… professional, Supervisory Special Agent Hotchner, but I’m still a bit surprised,” she said, and I frowned at her.
“Keep your snide little bitchy comments to yourself,” I snapped, and Aaron stiffened.
“Terra. It’s all right,” he assured me, but I could tell she’d hit a nerve.
“You just give all that stuff to the DA,” I told her.
“I certainly will,” she replied, all business again. “After all, if anything happens to you, this is all we’ve got left.”
“Nothing’s going to happen to her,” Aaron said, as we all walked towards the elevators. She used her keycard to open the elevator door and punched the button for us as we got in.
“I’m sure you’re right,” the ADA said, stepping out. “Have a good night.”
“You too,” Aaron said as the doors closed in front of us. He turned to me. “Does it make sense to you to antagonise someone who could potentially obstruct the deal we’ve made?”
“You don’t think she’d seriously fuck this up for me, do you?” I asked, suddenly more awake. “Crap. I just didn’t think she had the right to…”
“No, she didn’t, but that wasn’t your call to make. Let me fight my own battles,” he said, as we got out of the elevator at the ground floor. We were met by five more agents, all of them big guys, who secured the area and escorted us to the car. Aaron opened the passenger’s door for me before climbing into the driver’s seat. “Did you have dinner?”
“Yeah,” I said with a yawn. “They brought in this skanky sandwich thing at around eight.”
“Sounds pretty awful,” he said, pulling away from the curb. We drove in a convoy of SUVs, two in front and two behind.
“It wasn’t a fun day,” I admitted. “I’ve had better.”
“I’m sure.” He checked his rear view mirror and we merged onto the freeway. “It didn’t need to be fun, as long as it was successful.”
“I’m pretty sure it’ll be fine,” I said, yawning again. “How do you manage to stay up so late all the time? I’m totally bagged.”
“I don’t need that much sleep,” he said. The bags under his eyes said he was lying, but I let him have that one. “I heard you woke up screaming again last night.”
“Uh, yeah,” I said.
“What are your nightmares about?”
“You.”
“Me?”
“Yeah,” I said, shrugging. “I’ve had a variation on this dream for, like, the past week. Pretty much since I was held hostage by Darrel and then went looking for the others.”
“Can I ask what the dream’s about?” he asked quietly.
“Uh… it starts with us making love,” I said, and he sighed. “No, it’s not bad that way or anything. I mean, it doesn’t end up all that good, but that part’s good. It’s just that somehow someone else comes in and threatens me with a gun, so we stop making love, and I get up, but then you’re fully dressed and it’s your gun on me. And when I ask you what you want me to do, you tell me. And I do it, but…”
‘I shoot you anyway,” he finished for me. He looked sad. “And you wake up screaming. Is this the nightmare you had on the plane back from Redding?”
“Yeah, it is,” I admitted. “How did you know you shoot me in the dream?”
“How else could it possibly end?” He shook his head, as we pulled into the underground parking garage at the BAU. “I’m sorry this has all happened to you.”


“Pen said that Darrel’d been following me,” I said. “Did you look at that file?”
“I haven’t had a chance,” he said.
“Well, if he’d been following me, then there’s a chance this would’ve happened in some way or another anyway,” I said. We headed up to the apartment and one of the agents who’d driven behind us took guard duty at the door as we closed it behind us. “What’s going to happen to me now?”
“Well,” he said, sitting down at the kitchen table. I sat down across from him. “If the DA likes what you’ve give him, he’ll call me and let me know. At that point, Penelope will get to work erasing you from every inter-governmental computer system and from the Internet. At that point, we’ll provide you with a new identity and you’ll be sent, under cover, to your new home. Only the US Marshals of the witness protection program will know where they sent you.”
“I don’t have to stay there, do I?” I asked.
“No. Actually, I wouldn’t recommend you stay where they place you,” he said. “I’m going to give you a second set of ID that only Penelope and I know about. Penelope will then erase everything the witness protection agency sets up for you.”
“That seems a bit extreme,” I said with a frown. I yawned again.
“I talked about it with Penelope extensively today,” he said with a rueful smile. “You’re exhausted.” He stood, holding out his hands to me. “Come on. Get ready for bed and I’ll tell you all about it.”
“Sure,” I said, taking his hands. I put my arms around him, holding him close and he held me back. We stood like that for a bit, then I felt him kiss the top of my head. I pulled back and looked up at him. Then I kissed him. He seemed to hesitate for a moment, and then he was kissing me fiercely, pushing me back towards the bed. I scrambled at his tie and shirt, pulling his tie off and flinging it across the room. He lay me down on the bed and climbed on top of me, kissing me passionately, desperately, almost bruising my lips. I lifted my hips off the bed, pushing myself against him and he groaned softly. “Can we do this here?”
“Just be quiet,” he whispered to me before kissing me again. I pulled at the buttons of the shirt he was wearing, undoing them swiftly and spreading my hands against his chest. He returned the favour, pulling at my blouse and tugging it over my head, then undoing my bra and pulling it off as well. He suckled my nipples just enough to send a wave of pleasure down to my groin. I bucked against him again, and he ground his erect cock against me in return.
“God! I need you now!” I hissed. He slid my skirt up over my hips, pulling down my panties. I tugged at his belt, undoing it and his zipper. I pushed his trousers and boxers down just enough, and it short order he was inside me. We moved together, our rhythm almost frantic, and I could feel the tears starting in the corners of my eyes. It was so good to be with him this way, to be a part of him this way, and I knew… I just knew it was our last. He thrust into me again and again, and I held him to me as we came together.


“You’re crying,” he said, surprised, as he pulled away to look at me. He kissed my cheeks gently and moved off of me.
“I’m never going to see you again, am I?” I asked. He held me to him on the bed and I sobbed against his chest.
“I can’t say never,” he said. “I won’t say never.”
“But it won’t be safe for you,” I sobbed. “I don’t want you to get hurt or killed! But I don’t want to be without you either!”
“I don’t see that we have much of a choice,” he said, sitting up. I sat up next to him and rested my head on his shoulder. “The only way for you to be safe is for you to disappear completely. I’ll know only your new name. I won’t know anything else about you and neither will Penelope.”
“You can’t really believe she won’t keep tabs on me,” I said with a shaky laugh. I stood and got undressed the rest of the way, walking into the bathroom to wash up. He got dressed again, searching the room for his tie.
“I’m sure you’re right, but I’d rather she did that and covered her tracks,” he said, standing in front of the mirror and doing up his tie. “The witness protection program is far from perfect and I won’t risk you in it.”
“I get that,” I said, coming out to get dressed for bed. I pulled my panties back on and put on my t-shirt. “This is going to be really hard.”
“I know,” he said, reaching out for me again. We held each other for a long time. I didn’t want to let him go, but I knew I had to. “I’ll miss you.”
“I can’t believe how much I care for you and it’s only been a little over a week,” I sighed. “It just figures that I’d finally find someone I want to stay with forever, and I can’t.”
“You’re just saying that because you can’t stay here,” he said gently. “I don’t see you as the settling down type.”
“But you are,” I said.
“I don’t know if I will marry again,” he said, kissing my hair. “I screwed it up once. I don’t think I could do that to someone I love again.”
“I’ll come back,” I said, tears once again welling in my eyes. “When you least expect it. When I know no one is looking for me. I’ll come back.”
“You can’t,” he admonished me. “You can’t come back, and you know it. It’s not safe.”
“What if they try and take you to get to me?”
“I’m the head of the BAU, Terra. I think I can take care of myself.” He smiled at me. “You need to take care of you now, not me.”
“Can’t you just hang out with me for now? Do you have to leave yet?”
“I don’t have to leave,” he said, and we sat back down on the edge of the bed. “I’ll stay until the Marshal shows up.”
“Until morning then?”
“Until morning, yes.”

So we sat on the bed together for awhile, our backs against the wall, and we held each other and talked. He told me about his time in Seattle, about his stint in SWAT, about his life before he met Hayley. I only wanted to share good things with him, so I told him about my time with my father, about my years in university, about my first real boyfriend. Sometimes we stopped talking and made love. No matter how tired I was, I didn’t want to fall asleep because this was my last night with him. It was the last time I would get to hold him, to talk to him, to love him, and I wanted to take advantage of every second. Finally, as the dawn grew closer, we began to talk about the darker parts of our pasts. He told me about the abuse he’d suffered at the hands of his father. I told him more about my time at the compound. I cried and he held me tightly, stroking my hair. I cried for both of us, because he was no longer willing or able to cry for himself. And then it was morning.

Just as I was finishing getting dressed, there was a knock at the door. Aaron stood up quickly as two men unlocked it and entered.
“Supervisory Special Agent Hotchner? I didn’t expect you to be here,” said the first one. Then he introduced himself. “I’m US Marshal Chan and this is US Marshal Deroser.”
“I was just leaving,” Aaron said. He turned to me. “Good luck, Terra. I’m sure you’ll do just fine.”
“Can I have just a minute more?” I asked the agents. “I just want to talk to SSA Hotchner in private for a moment.”
“Sure, why not?” Marshal Deroser answered. I pulled Aaron into the bathroom with me and closed the door.
“I can’t just leave you like this,” I said, tears threatening to overwhelm me.
“You have to,” he said gently. He held me as I sobbed against him. “Shhh… you’ll be fine. You’ve got all the skills you need to keep yourself safe. I’ll courier your new papers to you as soon as the witness protection agency tells me you’re settled. Penelope will know how to find you.”
“I’m sure she will,” I said, hiccupping loudly as my crying slowly stopped. I sighed.
“You have to take care of yourself,” he said, wiping a tear from my cheek. “I need to know that you’ll take care of yourself, that you’ll be all right.”
“You know I’ll be fine,” I assured him. “And you have to be careful. There are lunatics everywhere, eh?”
“Oh, I know that,” he said with a small smile.
“I will find you again, Aaron,” I said fiercely. “You can count on it.”
“I know,” he said quietly. “You shouldn’t though.”
“I know that. But you haven’t seen the last of me,” I said with a sad smile. “I’m going to miss you.” I reached up and kissed him. He kissed me back and then we held each other again, tightly.
“It’s time for you to go,” he said, disengaging himself from me. He opened the door and the two marshals got up from where they’d been sitting in the kitchen. “She’s ready.”
“Good. Let’s go,” they said. “We’ve got a plane to catch.”
“I haven’t packed my stuff,” I protested.
“Take only what you can fit in your carry-on bag,” Marshal Chan said. “Leave the rest of it.”
“Really?” I asked, quickly stuffing my toiletries, underwear, and a change of clothes in my overnight bag. “Am I going to get new clothes wherever we’re going?”
“You will get new everything,” Marshal Deroser said. He looked at Aaron, who was standing watching me pack. “SSA Hotchner? Was there anything you needed?”
“Oh, uh… no. I’ll go,” he said. And with a quick look at me and a nod, he was out the door and out of my life. Marshals Deroser and Chan hustled me out of the building and to the airport, where we boarded a private jet. We flew away from the DC area and towards the rest of my life without Aaron Hotchner.