Our Spot

“I will not cry” Sara said to herself as she carefully opened the envelope.

The paper was heavy and thick with a embossed “G” on the top of the page. The smoky sandalwood scent of Gil emanated from the envelope.

Dearest Sara,

I know you think the first time I saw you when you arrived at my lecture but it was not. I saw you days before in Emile’s office. I had just arrived and wanted to see my old friend. His door was open and you there sprawled across a chair. Sipping form the your ever present cup of coffee. There were other people in the office but I have no memory of them. I only saw you.

In an instant named Sara my carefully ordered universe started unraveling thread by thread. You were so alive, so passionate. You laughed louder than any woman I had never known and I jealous that anyone could illicit that laugh from you.

When you left I stood in Emile’s door and issued a directive. That went something like this:

“Get the brunette to my lecture.”

“Which one?”

“The one with the legs and the laugh and the gap.”

“Sidle?”

“That’s her name?”

“Yes. Sara Sidle. She very, very bright bordering on genius. Only you would be captivated by someone so smart on sight?”

“Gil you don’t play footsie with coeds.”

“Who said anything about footsie? Just get her to my lecture.”

And he did. I still send him a box of Cubans every Christmas.

I am forever sorry that I did not tell you about Melanie. It was cowardly and week and I should have known better. The unspoken lie had become so entrenched in our lives that I didn’t know who to give truth a voice.

I took off the ring when you stood in the door of my office because I had ever intention of sleeping with you. In that instant I was certain that you wanted me as much as I wanted you. I was stunned and thrilled by the realization. Later I would question why you wanted too shy and too serious scientist.

We went for coffee and we talked and talked and you laughed at things I said and I felt proud and a bit barbaric at my reaction to you. I started to love you that night.

I am glad that I didn’t start something with you in Boston. It would have been reckless and irresponsible and I wanted better for you. You deserved better. You didn’t tell me much about your parents but I knew the pain in your eyes. I saw the same pain in the mirror.

I know you don’t agree with my reasoning regarding our relationship but I am glad we were friends for such a long time. You know me better than anyone. If we had jumped into bed together while I was still married it would have been clouded by the worst kind of deception and the best kind of lust.

Vegas was hard on us. I blame myself for that. I should have met you at the airport told you I loved you and let the chips fall where they would. I was afraid. I was afraid you would look at the gray hair and lines around my eyes and say you didn’t want me. I was afraid I would loose my best friend. It’s ironic that all that happened anyway.

Sara, yours is an uncommon striking beauty and I assumed that no one else would be as struck by it as I was. I believed that you were a fine wine that no one else could appreciate.

Men are foolish. Nicky, Brass, Warrick and later Greg were my friends for reason. We shared a similar taste in wine so to speak.

I am not an easy man. By the second year I had alienated all them in some way or another. We laugh about now but then it was no laughing matter. Apparently my glaring looks were legendary and if I thought anyone of them was getting too close I would change assignment pairings.

Brass finally confronted me about my outbursts and attitudes where you were concerned. I had no idea I was transparent. By that time my hearing was starting to diminish and you were seeing Hank.

Just when I thought I might have summoned up enough courage to try and make a go of it with you, you had moved on. You had moved on to my worst nightmare and fear, a young blond muscled man your own age I gave up on you when you had never given up on me through all my crap.

You have never really talked about the Heather thing but if you experienced even one tenth of the pain that I had as a result of Hank I hurt you very badly. I should have told you about Melanie AND Catherine.

We never really talked about other relationships and I didn’t know how to bring it up. You were friends with Catherine and Heather and I just couldn’t figure how to navigate that situation.

I am afraid that you will look at all mistakes I have made and leave me. That you will come to your senses and take my precious little girl and I’ll never be have a chance to be a real father. I am afraid that for all my moral imperatives I am my father forty years ago. I have lied. I have treated you badly and I have betrayed you trust.

I let things with Michael get to far. I should have fought harder earlier. It was cowardly of my not to address my feelings until it was almost too late. I was so glad when I figured out that you were pregnant. I have said it before but my little girl saved me. She did for me what I couldn’t do for myself.

My little girl lights up when she sees me. She lights up Sara. I am not a bad father. I am good father. Who would have thought? Gil Grissom, a man that had no real father until recently, is a good father. It amazes me every time I think about it.

And now for the reasons I love you. There are more than five but you know me I like rules. They may sound simple but they are things I think of everyday I spend with you.

1. You are open and honest and you navigate relationships in way that is amazing. You amount of courage and grace. You were the one that kept the possibility of an “us” above water.
2. You are beautiful. It’s simple and may appear trite but true.
3. You are an amazing lover. You are giving and passionate and every intimate instance or occasions is beyond my wildest fantasies.
4. You are a wonderful mother. Our Claire is very lucky to have you.
5. You have heart filled with forgiveness. I promise I will earn them. I will be what you need me to be.


Love

Gil