The Bits In Between

The Doctor wandered the halls of Canary Wharf for a long time. He was completely numb to everything around him. He ignored the cries for help and the questions yelled at him. He wanted to scream at everyone. Tell them the danger was gone. He saved the world. Again. They thought they lost something? They didn’t know the first thing about loss. They could talk to him after they had destroyed their own planet, lost everything of their own race. After they lost a love so deep it literally spanned universes. But he couldn’t because he was a hero and that wasn’t something heroes did.

He was so tired. With every step he felt every one of his years. He wanted to be angry, sad, relieved, anything really. Instead he felt nothing. He wasn’t sure if he ever would have feelings again. They were trapped on the other side of that wall.

He finally reached the TARDIS. He went inside, flipped some switches and collapsed onto the floor. He didn’t much care where he went. He didn’t much care about anything.
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Rose slid down the wall and sat on the floor. She held her head in her hands. For the moment she was cried out. She vaguely heard her mum say they would wait outside for her when she was ready.

What was she supposed to do now? All her plans, all her things, her entire reason for being was stuck behind her. If she knew if it would have made a difference, she would have torn down the wall with her bare hands.

She started to laugh. She was almost hysterical. If someone would have asked her a few years ago what she wanted most, it was this. Her mum and dad together, Mickey by her side. She had it all. And now she’d give it all up for just a second of what was just ripped away from her.

She calmed herself and finally walked away. Whether she liked it or not, her family was waiting for her.
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He was a wreck. He knew it and he didn’t care. He hadn’t done anything but spin in the Vortex. He hadn’t shaved or showered. His clothes just hung on him, his already thin frame now unhealthily skinny. He barely slept. When he did, he’d lose her all over again.

Besides, where would he? How could he? He never needed much sleep, true he slept more as he got older, but found with her, everything was different. With her next to him, he was at peace. Not only did he sleep, it was usually a quiet one. He’d always wake when she wasn’t next to him. Most likely she was just in the loo, but sometimes they would just be napping and she’d wake first, leaving him to get the rest she thought he always needed.

As far as where, how was he expected to stay in a room he’d been with her in? He laughed bitterly when he realised that took out most of the TARDIS. The hardest places to be were the room that started as hers, the study and their room. Even the control room was hard to face but that is where he usually ended up.

He would sit on the floor, wallowing in his own grief and arguing with the TARDIS. “How am I supposed to move on? I know that’s what I always do, but this is different. You love her too.”

It was the first time he said it out loud. It wasn’t fair that she wasn’t there to hear it. The tingling in his mind changed.

“Wait, you didn’t say move on. You said move to. Move to where?" He ran to the monitor, astonished at what he saw. He caressed the console. “You brilliant beautiful girl. Thank you.” He set the coordinates and ran to clean up. And for the first time in weeks, he felt a real emotion and smiled.
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She’d looked worse but not by much. She did the bare minimum of hygiene and that was to keep her mum off her back. She couldn’t fall asleep. Everything that used to help her get that way was now lost. She would occasionally drop from sheer exhaustion only to wake up, sometimes screaming.

She became a master of rearranging her plate so it looked like she had more than two or three bites. Some would have called it an eating disorder. She called it mourning because she knew it wasn’t permanent. She just had no appetite.

During the day she would hide in her room. At night she would wander the unfamiliar house. Sometimes she would go to the garden. She always ended up staring at the sky. The mirror of the one she used to have at her fingertips daily. Now she hoped she’d make it to at least one more star once again.

The second week in she had unexpected company. “I’m sorry. I’ll leave if you like.”

“It’s your house.”

“Have you been able to sleep at all?”

“I can’t, unless I drop. And even then… What’s your excuse?”

“Always been a bit of a light sleeper. Too many things on my mind…You must hate me.”

“A little, yeah.”

“Well, don’t spare my feelings. I’ll tell you a secret, if, when I jumped back, if you would have been safe, I would have left you there. Even if that meant dealing with you mother.”

They both honestly laughed. “Thank you. And I’ll tell you one. I know they think I’m going to do something drastic. But I won’t. I can’t. I made a promise to live a fantastic life. And as long as I’m alive, there’s a chance we can find each other again. I’ll never let go of that and I know he won’t either.”

“You’re going to need resources for that.”

“I’ll figure something.”

“You don’t have to. Come work for Torchwood.”

“I don’t even have my A-Levels.”

“Please, you’re over qualified. And my money can buy a few pieces of paper. You’d have to do proper work. This couldn’t consume all your time but whatever we have is at your disposal.”

“Can’t hardly turn that down, can I?”

“No. You know I’m going to marry your mum properly, right?”

“Yes and I think it’s wonderful. For the both of you.”

“Can you tell me about him, about all of it? I have the feeling the version I got was less than flattering and incomplete.”

“I think so too. Alright, it started in a shop basement…” And she told him the story every night. They would meet in various rooms after hours and he would listen. He noticed but didn’t say anything about it always being “he” or “him”, never his name. He knew it would make it too real. She was fragile and that might just have broken her.
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It took longer than he thought. He almost gave up when he discovered he wouldn’t be able to go through properly. Almost thought it wasn’t worth it if she couldn’t come back, if he couldn’t touch her. The thought of her waiting for him, not living changed his mind. He could give her good-bye and tell her what she already knew.

He had gotten somewhat back to his former self. However he looked older and tired. He knew it wasn’t his age that made him that way.

When everything was ready, he made an attempt to look presentable. He knew she’d be able to tell but also knew she wouldn’t say anything. Mostly because there wouldn’t be time.

When he was sure it was all set, he said the name he could barely think, let alone speak for the first time in weeks.

“Rose…”
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Things were different. Not necessarily better or easier, just different. She started to sleep dreamlessly. She started to gain back her appetite. She knew a lot of it was due to the nightly discussions. Neither one brought it up in the daylight. It was their secret thing.

The wedding plans were pushed up when the pregnancy was discovered. She genuinely participated in the celebration but afterward let another wave of mourning hit her. She curled up on the bed, hand over her womb. She cried for the children she didn’t realise until then that she wanted and would now never have.

She allowed herself this one night and didn’t wander out for the first time. In the morning she didn’t let on what she was feeling.

Several nights later, after the usual routine, she looked out the window. “I have something for you. Consider it a bridesmaid gift.”

“Isn’t that usually given by the bride?” She took the package and started to unwrap it.

“Sorry about the quality. It’s the best I could do.”

She just stared. She was holding a picture frame. In it was a slightly grainy black and white still frame from a security camera. It had captured two members of the catering staff. They looked to be working but if you looked closer, it was clear they weren’t. Their heads were together and they were smiling. As far as they were concerned, there was no one else in the room. She remembered clearly when it happened. “How…?”

“After it first started I looked everywhere for answers. Most of my security tapes were damaged in places. This was the only bit I could find of you two before we were invaded. Your mum doesn’t know. I thought you could tell her if you wished.”

She lovingly traced his figure. She didn’t bother to wipe away her tears.

“I’ll just go.”

“Dad?” It was the first time she called him that since she’d arrived. He turned. “Thank you.”

He squeezed her shoulder. “You’re welcome love.”

A week later she had a dream. It was her first since she got there. She couldn’t see him but could hear and feel him. She knew it was much more than a dream. It was instructions.

She woke with a start. She quickly called everyone together and gave them the details. They packed lightly for themselves and helped her to gather the few possessions she managed to accumulate in her time there. Everyone knew, that if it was at all possible, she wouldn’t be returning.

They kept going, stopping only when necessary. They ended up much further than anyone expected. They had to stop and ask how to get access to the beach. She laughed when she heard where they were.

When they arrived, she gave everyone a good-bye, her mum holding on the longest. She walked away and stared out at the water for awhile. Then she felt it. She felt him and moved to where the feeling was the strongest.
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When the Doctor left Donna, he made sure he was clearly in the Vortex. He picked up Rose’s discarded shirt and finally allowed himself to break.

His sobs racked his body. He had never allowed himself to grieve like this. Maybe that was because he had never felt grief like this. He had to live with the knowledge that the love of his life was torn away with no way back. They had to live their lives without each other.

He briefly thought it would have been easier if she had died. Then there would have been complete closure. As it was, he didn’t even get the chance to tell her he loved her. He laughed bitterly at that. A Time Lord ran out of time. Then again, if there could have been a way for her to be with him for the rest of his life, it wouldn’t have been enough.

When he had calmed, he reflected on what happened on the beach. He had almost forgotten how beautiful she was. Almost. She would have never had any idea how tempted he was when she said, “So,” about two universes collapsing. If he could have touched her, held her, kissed her, it would have almost been worth it.

His mind had reeled when she told him about the baby. He wasn’t sure how long it had been for her. However, if it had been only the three months she insinuated and had it been her, it could have been his. When she surprised him that last morning, he hadn’t had time for the usual precautions. In that brief moment he was elated and even more heartbroken than he already was. She was going to have their baby! He would have made a baby with the love of his life. And she would have had to raise it without him. He would never get to see their child.

The horrible thought of her being pregnant with Mickey’s or anyone else’s child was just too devastating to contemplate. As it was he was happy for Jackie and Pete. He knew Rose would make the best sister and aunt. He just mourned the fact he didn’t get to be the best uncle.

He was so proud when she told him what she was doing now. His beautiful Rose was defending the Earth. If she could, she’d take care of the universe too. They couldn’t have been in better hands.

After Donna rejected him, he knew for sure he’d meant it when he told Rose he’d continue on alone. He wasn’t about to fill the empty space she’d left behind. Even if he did bring along someone else, they wouldn’t be her. He definitely would never get that close again. And it wasn’t to guard him from the pain. It was because he knew he could never feel that way again for anyone. It took over 900 years to find her once. It couldn’t be done again.

He almost hated himself for his response to her confession of love. “Quite right, too.” How lame was that? He hated he didn’t get a chance to return the sentiment. He didn’t realise how much he longed to hear her say it until she did. He knew she needed the same, and yet… He knew that she knew what he was going to say and hoped it would be some comfort for her.

Donna made him realise just how unique Rose was. He just took for granted that anyone wouldn’t want to stay home after what he showed them. He knew he should know better, he had plenty of companions who felt that way. But Rose…well, after Rose everything was different.

Maybe he did need someone to stop him, but he didn’t want that. His reason for stopping was gone. Everything he did from now on, he would do for her. He would do things just to think of what her reaction would have been. He knew everything would remind him of her.

He had completely composed himself when he sat up with a start. They had met at Bad Wolf Bay. He knew full well what the message “Bad Wolf” meant. And the chances of it randomly being in the other universe…He started to formulate ideas. Bad Wolf there… Bad Wolf here.
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Rose let Jackie hold her for a long time while she cried her heart out. When she finally stopped, she was completely numb. She allowed herself to be led back to the Jeep. She climbed into the back while the others got in the front. They knew she would talk when she was ready and not a moment before.

He had never looked so tired or so old or so handsome. She could hardly deal with not being able to touch him. They had always been so tactile, to be denied that was so very cruel. She knew it was just as hard for him but suffered through it for her.

She thought back to his reaction to the baby news. She would hope that when he thought it was her, that it was his. It couldn’t be anyone else’s. She would never have done that to him or herself. He had to know that Mickey would never be anything but a friend and that any other man would be a very distant second.

Many people would say she was young and she would find love again. She knew she wouldn’t and was okay with that. She had loved so deeply in that short amount of time to last several lifetimes.

She could clearly see the pride in his eyes when she told him about her new job. After all, someone needed to be the Doctor in this universe. Why couldn’t it be her?

She wasn’t sure what to think when he told her he would go on alone. He had promised her he would find someone; she just hoped it wouldn’t be too soon. That he’d be inconsolable for awhile. She knew it was selfish of her and she didn’t care.

She was glad she got to tell him she loved him. She knew he was going to say the same before fate so callously cut him off and he faded away from her.

The emotion of it all caught up to her and she passed out. She sat up with a start. They had met at Bad Wolf Bay. She knew full well what the message “Bad Wolf” meant. And the chances of it randomly being this universe…She started to formulate ideas. Bad Wolf there…Bad Wolf here.
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He didn’t find anything right away. Logic dictated he wouldn’t find anything at all. He had told her she could never see him again. He had been wrong before and this time he desperately wanted to be.

He decided the only possible place he could sleep was their room. It was for the same reason he kept her top in the control room. It made her seem close. He chose that top because it was what she wore the first time he made love to her in this body. He kept her Union Jack hanging his wardrobe next to their kimonos.

After she and Jackie had been declared dead, he went back and closed out the flat. He moved most everything into a far off storage room in the back of the TARDIS. He put most of her things, including the ones in their room, into her old room. He locked the door but kept the key with him.

He took a couple of Jackie’s pictures of Rose’s childhood, her life before him and put them on the dresser. He wasn’t sure what was worse, the fact he had everything to remind him or that she had nothing.

He had never been one for self-gratification. Now he did it to keep his sanity. Every time he would think of her he couldn’t stop himself. Most of the time, when he woke he would be reaching for her. When he would take care of himself, it was always with thoughts of her. It was always her hands he felt. It was the same in the shower.

He refused to be ashamed. Nothing he did with or in regards to her could ever be considered shameful.

A little while in he started to dream. It didn’t happen every time. It was sort of hit or miss. In those dreams he would be with her. A couple of times he was in his previous form. Those times they did little more than talk. He told her it was okay to miss his current form more. He knew she loved both versions but he agreed that she had the deeper relationship with his current self.

When he was his current self, they usually did anything but talk. They had agreed long ago to show it through actions instead of words. Even now, if he couldn’t tell her he loved her in person, he wasn’t going to at all. Be he would certainly show it to her instead.

He found he looked forward to sleeping and was disappointed when the dreams didn’t come. When he was awake, he kept trying. After awhile he tried everyday, then every week, then maybe once a month, but he never quit looking. He couldn’t.
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Rose moved up the ranks at Torchwood quickly. Everyone knew it was skill and not nepotism. She was the best they had.

She heard the whispers and the rumours. It became generally accepted that Jackie Tyler didn’t actually die three years ago. That was just an excuse to whisk her away for extensive rehab. It certainly accounted for her personality change. And Rose, well she had spent her life hidden away at boarding schools and university. How else would she know as much as she did? No one bothered to disagree.

She was well liked by her co-workers. She’d always made friends easily. She knew several of the men wanted to be more but she always turned them down. It was topic of usual office gossip who the man in the grainy photo on her desk was. While she would occasionally go to the pub or the like with them, she never spoke of her personal life. They didn’t need to know that she technically didn’t have one.

The wedding was always planned to be a small quiet affair, so as to not raise suspicions. That didn’t mean Jackie wasn’t going to do it up right.

Rose had been dragged to an estate sale right before. She found herself drawn to a table of jewellery. She took a keen interest in an unusual ring. It didn’t quite look like it belonged. In fact, the engravings looked a lot like the various notes scattered around the TARDIS. She knew she had to have it.

It only fit one finger. Neither Jackie nor anyone else commented on the fact it was her left ring finger. She didn’t get asked out by the men again when she returned to work wearing it.

She never did fall in love again. Her life was fantastic though. She knew he’d be very proud of her. However, there was nothing she couldn’t leave behind in an instant. Her family accepted that and knew it was what was meant to be.

She had a “special” project at work that only a few people knew about. Some of those people wanted to tell her it was useless but knew better. The impossible seemed to follow her.

A little while in she started to dream. It didn’t happen every time. It was sort of hit or miss. In those dreams she would be with him. A couple of times he was her first Doctor. Those times they did little more than talk. She told him she felt guilty for missing her second Doctor more. She loved them both and he knew that but agreed she had the deeper relationship with the one she was ripped away from. He told her it was okay and she believed him.

When she dreamt of the second one, they usually did anything but talk. They had agreed to show it through actions instead of words. She knew if she couldn’t hear him say the words in person, she didn’t want to hear it. But oh how they showed each other.

More than once someone barged into her room when she cried out in her sleep. She let them believe it was a nightmare. She wasn’t going to explain to them it was quite the opposite.

She found she looked forward to sleeping and was disappointed when the dreams didn’t come. When she was awake, she kept trying. After awhile she tried everyday, then every week, then maybe once a month, but she never quit looking. She couldn’t.
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Across two universes two lovers joined together in their dreams. Neither one realising it was a real as they both hoped it was. It only happened when they both slept. Their hands would travel their bodies, ghosting the others in memory of what they did to each other. Their love and the hope they would some day be reunited would never die. They lived brilliant lives for each other, both looking forward to the time they could sleep. Where they could live together in the bits in between.