The Aliens Are Coming

The Aliens Are Coming

Flora Winters

I do not own Smallville and I do not own Project A-Ko either. I’m also not making any money off writing this either.

Summary: It is the year 3000. A cross dressing, gender confused alien, and the richest boy in school butt heads for the friendship of a certain blond boy. Who needs terrorists when you have an alien and an evil genius running amuck at K-City High? Clark/Whitney/Lex. SLASH.

Warning: This story will contain sin, horrendous blasphemy, and all that other religious bullshit that makes people blow chunks out their asses. If you are a religious fanatic, turn back now. You will go and burn in your hell for reading this, I promise. All flames will be danced in by my demonic worshippers.

Chapter Two

Lex was beyond what the word pissed could describe right now. He was so pissed he couldn’t even pay attention to whatever the fuck it was Mr. Buttercake was bitching on about in front of the class. There were all kinds of formulas being written out on the blackboard as the man talked, but he wasn’t in the mood to make his daily mockery of the useless bullshit. That damn Kent had beaten him again. His beautiful robot was lying in a scrapheap right now under the hot sun. He had spent all night working on it and now it was nothing but useless scrap metal. That little bitch was going to pay. He was going to teach that fat bitch that nobody fucking ignored him. Nobody! That was when an evil thought struck his evil brain. He started to cackle madly and then it turned into a scent from Franincyber. Lightning was flashing all around him as he threw his head back, howling with wicked glee.

“Luthor!” Mr. Buttercake thundered from the front of the class. “Is something funny?”

“Yes!” He roared madly, jumping to his feet, pointing right at a napping Clark Kent. “You’re going down now, Kent!” He ripped off his stylish school uniform, revealing his shiny platinum metallic Barbie suit underneath.

“Oh, goddamn it!” Mr. Buttercake hissed as everything exploded into chaos around him once more that day.

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Many miles away at the Stardust Space Institution, crazy ass shit was going down, too. They had no idea what the fuck was going on. Some kind of wave was scrambling all their signals and it was pissing the hell out of them. Nobody fucked with their GAYDARS and got away with it.

“Penelope,” a gruff voice came over the loudspeakers. “This is Commander Poontang from the F.A.G. Space station orbiting the planet Earth.”

“Go ahead, Poontang,” a very petite male voice said with a very gay lips. “What seems to be the situation, Daddy?”

“There is a ship heading towards Earth,” Poontang said. “And it is not answering my catcalls.”

“Those rat bastards,” lisp boy lisped. “That is so rude, Daddy.”

“I know!” Poontang said. “What should I do?”

“What do you think?” Lisp boy lisped angrily. “Take off your heels and beat them like a pissed off drag-queen!”

All of Stardust Headquarters cheered when the red light went green as emerald. Alarms began to sound the scent of blood was in the air. They were going to teach these fucking bitches not to fuck with their GAYDARS.

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“Captain,” Bane cried from the command center of the ship. “Hostile ships are heading straight for us for some odd reason!”

“What?” Morgan asked. He was having a mighty fine buzz going on right now. “Why would they want to do something as stupid as that?”

“They sent us this message, Sir,” he said, and began to read it over the speakers. “You fucked us in the ass, so we’re going to fuck you back…HARDER!”

“Oh, hell to the mother fucking nah!” The Captain roared, downing what was left of his booze. “Blast those herpes from the stars!”

“With pleasure, Sir,” Bane cackled.

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“Luthor!” Mr. Buttercake roared. “You put Mr. Kent down this instant!”

“With pleasure, Sir,” Lex cackled, swinging Clark around by his ankles, sending him flying through a school wall and into another classroom. Students went running and shrieking as Clark stood up in the debris.

“How dare you wake me from my wet dream!” Clark yelled in horny outrage. “I was this close to going, too! Now I’m going to murder your ass!”

Lex raised his arm. “FIRE!”

Clark’s eyes widened when missiles were launched right at him. He took off running in the opposite direction, only for the damn things to follow him like puppies. Explosion after explosion went off behind him as he ran for his life.

“Where are you going, Clark?” Lex laughed as he skipped right along beside him merrily and promptly kicked him the head. “Surely you aren’t running away.”

Clark flew through another wall and just laid there in the rubble. Where was Whitney? Was he okay?

“Get the fuck up, you lazy bitch!” Lex screamed as he pulled a leather whip out of nowhere, “So I can smack you down again!”

He let his whip loose and it went around Clark’s ankle. He lifted Clark up in the air with it and had him down on the floor again with a snap of the whip.

“Down boy!” Lex cackled. “I said down, boy!”

Clark pulled on his ankle when he crashed into the floor again and jerked the whip from Lex’s hand, which had him pouting in outrage. Clark was on his feet and ran right at him. He punched Lex right in the face and it sent him zooming through the air right through a huge glass window into another busy class.

“What the fuck?” The professor screamed as Lex stood up. “It’s the Metalica! Run for your lives!”

Lex raised his arms and fired more missiles.

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Chloe was holding Whitney who was in tears. The poor man had seen his whole life flash before his eyes. He had actually peed on himself and had to run and change his pants.

Lana was sitting on a bench, with her legs crossed, watching the school fall down in front of her. She could hear Lex screaming and Clark cursing. She should of just stayed in bed.

Kwan was holding Buttercake who was in tears. “I can’t take it anymore!”

“Now, now,” Kwan tried to soothe only to be hissed at.

“Don’t you now, now, me,” Buttercake snapped. “Do something!”

“Okay,” Kwan said and he quickly threw themselves down on the pavement when a missile zoomed past where the heads had just been.

“Go Lex!” Zen cheered as he waved a huge rainbow banner around. “Go Lex, go!”

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Lex picked up a blown up piece of bleacher, hurling it at Clark’s face. The alien ducked and rolled to the side as it crashed past him. “Are you crazy?” He yelled. “Just look at this mess you’re making!”

“Shut up!” Lex screamed, firing more missiles, blowing up everything but the alien. “Hold still, damn you!”

“No way!” Clark said, taking off at super speed with Lex right behind him.

“Whitney will be mine!” He cried. “All mine!”

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“Blast their asses out of space!” The captain howled as he downed his bottle of pills with some wine. “Slay them all dead!”

“This is Poontang,” a voice over the speakers bellowed. “Surrender now!”

“Never,” the captain laughed hysterically. “Prepare to die!”

“Captain,” Xan said. “Your bath has been drawn.”

“Excellent,” the captain said as he stripped down right then and there. “One must be clean when saving a prince from such violent and bloodthirsty barbarians.”

“Give up!” Poontang roared.

“Burn them!” The captain shrieked. “I want to bathe in their blood!”

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“What is that?” Whitney asked, pointing up at the sky that seemed to be filled with blazing crimson fire.

“It’s the coming of Cyberix!” Pete shouted as the cyber angles on his shoulders began to sing in tongues. “Repent now or forever be damned with cheap beer and ugly women!”

Buttercup slapped him. “Shut the fuck up, you damn idiot!”

Chloe rolled her blue eyes. “It’s an invasion.”

“Shit,” Lana sighed. “And I’m not even dressed for this shit.”

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“Mr. President,” the admiral of S.E.X said, hurrying into his dining room. “The space station F.A.G. has been severely damaged by hostile alien forces.”

“Say what now,” the hick ass son of bitch said, looking up from his Lucky Charms box. “What in tarnation is going on?”

The admiral laid out the file in front of him. “The city is under an attack by aliens, Sir.”

“Oh, come off it now,” the president said, shaking his head. “What you flipping your head about?”

“ALIENS!” The admiral cried. “We’re all going to die unless you give an order now!”

“You really should calm down,” the president said. “Here, have a cookie, Dookie.”

“I don’t want no goddamn cookie!” The admiral shrieked. “I want you to give me a goddamn order you fucking idiot!”

“Aliens, huh,” the president said, drawing a green head with a crayon on the table. “I remember how my ancestors back in the day sent all them tacos back to Mexico.”

“This is the goddamn admiral of S.E.X!” He cried into his phone. “ATTACK!”

“There had been this little fence, you see,” the president said.

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“Where are they?” Whitney asked as Chloe had her speeder hovering over the destroyed downtown are. “Those two are really keeping Luthorcorp in business.”

“Over there!” Lana shouted as a huge skyscraper plummeted to the ground in the distance. Only Clark had the power to bring one of them down.

“On it!” Chloe yelled and the engine roared over Pete’s useless praying.

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Lex skipped down the deserted street with a wicked smile on his handsome face. “Where are you, Kent?” He asked in a singsong voice. “Come out, come out, wherever you are.”

All of a sudden a huge ass army tank came rolling through a scorched house, stopping right in front of his path. The large metal hatch opened up and a solider popped his head out. “Hey, you!” The guy yelled. “You’re not supposed to be here! Safety is that way!”

Lex cocked his head to the side and kicked the tank like an Astro Ball, stomping his foot when Clark caught it. That fat bitch was always spoiling his fun. That was when he picked up a giant spiderbot that came out of nowhere and hurled it at him, too. Clark gasped and jumped to the side as the spiderbot flew by his face, exploding when it hit the tank.

“Stay still and die!” Lex screamed. “Or I shall get very cross with you!”

Clark spun away from Lex’s Phyical assault and kneed him in the gut. Lex cried out and crashed into a department store window. Now he was really pissed off. Kneeing him in the tummy had been so rude. What if he had been pregnant? He simply had to return the favor.

He raised his arm. “FIRE!”

Clark ran.

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Lionel was having a mega bitch fit right now. His son and that Kent was destroying the city more rapidly than the invading aliens were. Hell, they were taking out the alien spiderbots as well. The two of them were throwing tanks and spiderbots at each other like it were a contest. The city was going to be in ruins if they kept up like this. Was that Zen in the background cheering Lex on in a cheerleading uniform?

“Noah sinking in the goddamn ark!” He hissed. “What the fuck is going on?”

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“Oh, die!” Lex bellowed as he picked up another army tank, drop-kicking it right at Clark. “You stupid cow!”

Clark’s green eyes widened and he quickly caught it, let the officers ump out, and promptly hurled it right back at the bald psycho. Lex skipped to the side and the tank flew right by him, crashing into the Cyber Mall. Clark’s eyes narrowed when the place exploded into flames.

Goddamn it, Lex!” He yelled, stomping his heel, making the ground rumble under it. “Now see what you made me do!”

Lex stuck his tongue out at him. “This is for you, Jesus!”

“FUCK!” Clark yelped as he bitch-slapped missiles in every direction, blowing up shit for miles.

Lex was laughing manically. “DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE, DIE, DIE!”

“Eh, take this!” Clark yelled, smacking him across the face with a light-pole, sending the bald guy flying.

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Streams of scarlet red silk billowed around the graceful captain as he fixed his solid red bikini top. He looked out the blast screen windows and cackled as he took a big swig straight from the bottle. “All right, you little shits,” he spat in a drunken stupor. “Deploy the…deploy the…deploy those one thingies I can’t think of right now and return out lost princess to us.”

“Prince,” his second in command corrected in a calm voice.

“Whatever the fuck!” The captain shrieked angrily. “Is there a goddamn difference? Just do it, you little shits!”

Bane trembled as he pushed the big purple button.

“Now, the captain slurred as he took another long drink, wiping his mouth. “Send out the boys to bring me back all the booze they can carry.”

“Do it,” Xan said over the speakers. “For the love of Christ hunting Easter eggs, do it!”

“But, sir,” someone said.

“DO IT!” The captain bellowed. “OR I SHALL CONDEMN YOU ALL TO WEAR CHEAP POLYESTER THONGS AND BAD KNOCKOFFS!”

Bane’s jaw dropped open in horror. “You wouldn’t…”

“I’ll break out into hives!” Xan cried.

The captain laughed evilly and went to take another sip only to freeze. One tiny drop landed on his tongue. The two watched in horror as the bottle slipped from the captain’s twitching fingers to shatter at his feet. “Christ hanging on the cross!” He shrieked like a banshee. “I need a drink! Get me a goddamn drink, now!”

All of a sudden the king of their home planet appeared on the big plasma screen with his lovely “queen” by his side. “Captain Morgan Bangcock,” the king addressed. “How goes your mission to retrieve our son?”

“Sweet Mary birthin’ the lawd in a pigpen!” The captain cried as he threw pillows and thongs at his men. “Get me a fucking drink!”

The “queen” blinked his lovely lashes and pecked at the screen. “Is this thingy on?”

The king dropped his head, shaking it when the captain began firing his proton gun at his men.

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Chloe and the rest of the gang were speeding across the smoky sky, following the rapidly growing trail of destruction, dodging rouge missiles from the massive ship and from what they assumed was Lex. This was just one huge fucking mess. What the hell were those two thinking. It would take hours to grow all this shit back.

“We is all gonna die!” Pete cried as his choir of cyber angels started singing Come all ye Faithful.

“Oh, shut up!” Lana snapped and spun around, smacking him across the face with her compact. “Or ye shall walk the plank.”

Whitney had been his fingernails down to the quick and cringed in pain. He was scared shitless. There were aliens in the sky firing missiles at the pilots, and the city was being destroyed below them. Where was Clark? He wanted his Clark. He needed his Clarky. “CLARK!” He cried out. “WHERE ARE YOU?”

“We is all gonna fuckin’ die, crackers!” Pete shrieked when Chloe dodged an exploding missile. “We is all gonna fuckin’ die, and I don’t even know who my baby daddy be yet!”

“That’s it!” Lana screamed and jumped on top of him with a feral hiss.

“CLARK!” Whitney cried. “I’VE GOT COOKIES!”

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Clark crawled out from underneath all the rubble with just his skirt left in tact in certain places. Everything else had been ripped, torn, and scorched of him. Oh, he was pissed as hell now. This had been his favorite outfit ever. He had looked all cute and everything for Whitney. That tears it! Luthor just had to fucking die. That was all there was to it. He shrieked like Xena Warrior Princess, and ran at him, swinging around a sparking power line.

Lex screamed like Xena’s arch nemesis, Callisto, and fired missiles. He was having suck a fucking blast. Clark smacked his missiles away only to trip and fall over his own weapon, falling flat on his face. Lex snorted and then doubled over with laughter. His eyes widened in shock when Clark jumpe dup and rammed into his gut with his hard head. He flew backwards, landing on his metallic ass in the rubble. The wind had been knocked from his lungs. That miserable bitch!

Clark howled with laughter, putting his large hands on his naked hips. “How do you like me now, bitch?”

Lex sat straight up and a yellow visor went across his eyes. Oh, he was pissed now.

Clark took a step back from him. Now what?

Lex aimed his arm. “FIRE!”

“Not again!” Clark yelled, running for it.

Lex cackled madly as explosions went off all around him.

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“Bangcock!” The king bellowed as he shook the screen his large black gloved hands. “Answer your king, goddamn it!”

“Now, sweetheart,” his “queen” said as he took him by a muscular arm. “Remember your blood pressure.”

“Look at him!” The king hissed in ire, pointing with a shaking finger. “Just look at him!”

“He’s sobering,” the “queen” said. “He can’t help it.”

The king and his “queen’s” eyes widened when the captain snapped a bitch’s leg in tow and bit another’s ear off.

“Holy shit!” The king cried, quickly shielding his “queen’s” eyes from such violence.

“Let me see, let me see!” The “queen” said as he peeked through his husband’s big hands. “This is so exciting.”

The king felt sick.

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“Don’t you fucking dare!” Clark yelled in defiance.

Lex snickered. “FIRE!”

“NO!” Clark cried as his favorite bookstore went up in flames.

“Now you little troll bitch from hell!” Lex sneered as he pushed the button on his metallic boob. “It’s time to finish…what the fuck is that?”

“Oh, no,” Clark said, smiling with a growl. “I’m not falling for that cheap shit.”

“No, seriously, Kent,” Lex said, pointing up at the sky with a razor sharp metallic finger. “What the fuck is that?”

A dark shadow fell over the two of them and they both heard Whitney yelling at the top of his sexy lungs.

“ALIENS!”

Clark spun around to see that Whitney was being abducted by a tiny flying saucer by being beamed up out of Chloe’s speeder.

“NO!” Whitney cried, kicking his legs. “Only Clark is allowed to anal probe me!”

“No!” Clark yelled. “Whitney!”

Lana was too busy throttling Pete in a fit of blinded rage to be of any use, and Chloe was trying to break free from the grappling beam that held her speeder in place.

“Whitney, my love!” Lex cried in dramatic irony, spinning around in graceful circles. “I shall rescue you from these vile barbarians!”

Whitney screamed when he was sucked up into the flying saucer.

“WHITNEY!” Clark yelled as he watched in horror as the saucer sped away in drunken zigzags.

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This is Captain Morgan Bangcock!” He cried over the loudspeakers while totally not seeing the king yelling at him in mute on the big screen that was right beside his face. “Prepare to fire a warning shot on the…where the fuck am I?”

Bane and Xan kept both their mouths shut.

“Oh, god!” The captain cried. “I’m too sober for this shit! I’ve got to have a drink!”

“We have the prince, Sir,” a voice said over the radio. “And we have the booze.”

The captain took off like a drunken bitch straight out of hell, stumbling over moaning bodies as he went.

“Clean up,” Bane sighed.

“Main deck,” Xan finished as the two limped by the mute king who was screaming at the top of his royal lungs for someone to answer him.

“I really don’t thing this thingy is on, dear,” the “queen” said with a big grin on his beautiful face.

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“Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth,” the devotee to the Church of Cyberix asked Jonathan Kent. “So help you God?”

“Now see here, you,” Jonathan said as he looked at the hideous black book with vile contempt. “I’m not some goddamn, mother fucking, all the time praying, shit faced fanatic for Cyber hanging on the virtual cross.”

“That’s for goddamn sure,” Martha Kent said, knitting a knew skirt for her baby. “Here’s tree-fitty for the Lawd.”

Lionel’s right eye twitched something just plain awful. “Your son has destroyed the city!”

“HEY!” Martha snapped like a branch, smacking him across the face with Clark’s unfinished skirt. “Not yelling in the house of the Lawd, goddamn it!”

Lionel stumbled back in shock, holding his pink cheek.

“Besides,” Martha said. “Your son did most of the damage anyway. My baby was merely defending himself.”

Lionel rubbed his stinging cheek. “What say you, Holy One?”

The High Priest of Cyberix was a hot young thing being attended to by two extremely sexy devotees to the holy church. They were running their big hands up and down his sexy silk robes that hugged his perfect figure perfectly. “What?” He purred with cat green eyes.

“The city,” Lionel said. “Their son is just as responsible as my own.”

“What about the cross-dressing, gender confused aliens?” One of the sexy devotees asked as he peeled off the High Priest’s robes to pour sacred water down his smooth flesh. “Aren’t they blowing up the city, too?”

All nodded.

An explosion shook the holy temple of devout worship and everybody turned to look out the large glass window. Flames were burning high and people were screaming about it being the goddamn rapture. Some were even running around naked, crying to be beamed up with their kool-aid.

“Right,” Jonathan said, taking his wife’s hand. “We’ll just blame this shit on those goddamn aliens.”

“Fine,” Lionel said in a huff.

“Cyberix be praised.” The High Priest said, going down on the sexy blond devote. “Goddamn it.”

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“Let me go right this instant!” Whitney yelled in fury and fear. “Or you’ll really be sorry for this!”

“Please, your Highness,” the alien who was wearing a bright orange thong and a matching braw said. “We’re here to return you to your throne.”

“I don’t want no goddamn throne!” Whitney shrieked, clawing the alien man’s face. “Don’t make me take off my sneakers and beat you bloody, you asshole!”

“Ouch,” the alien hissed when Whitney kicked him in the back of the head, causing him to fire lasers.

“Oops,” Whitney said, pulling a Gone with the Wind, and fainted.

“Oh, shit!” The alien cried. “Your Majesty?”

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“NO! GODDAMN IT! NO!” The captain roared like a rockslide when the booze ship exploded before him on the monitors. “What are those bumbling fuckups doing out there?”

Bane and Xan kept absolutely still. Neither of them so much a breathed.

“AH!” The captain cried and spun around in a hiss of green silk. “Somebody! I don’t care who! Get me a goddamn drink this instant!”

Another explosion went off outside the blast screen window and the captain nearly had a hernia right there. “NO!”

“What was that ship?” Xan asked, quickly covering his mouth in fear.

The captain’s head snapped around to glare at him with scary sobering eyes that would make Jesus run and hide behind his stupid cross.

Xan gulped and Baje rolled his eyes. Here it comes, ya’ll.

“PREPARE TO DIE IN THE NAME OF ALLAH AND HER FOUR CAMELS!” The captain shrieked and pulled out his laser gun.

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“Stop touching me there!” Clark yelled as he flew through the air with Lex. The bald guy was carrying him and dodging rogue missiles all at the same time. “We have to save Whitney.”

“I’m so sorry,” Lex snorted as he began to fly faster. “I just had no idea you were so muscular…and ticklish.”

Clark rolled his eyes and then cried. “LOOK OUT!”

A missile came from out of nowhere and knocked Clark from Lex’s arms. “CLARK!” Lex cried as he watched the alien fall. “Oh, damn! I wanted to have the pleasure of finishing you off myself.” He continued to watch Clark fall. “Oh, well. I guess Zen was right. You can’t always get what you want. This means he will be flattened when he hits the ground and Whitney will be all mine once I save him.” He giggled and shot off towards the ship once more.

“FUCK YOU!” Clark yelled out only to fall onto a plane, causing the pilot to cry out. “Shit,” he hissed and jumped off with all his might just as the damn thing exploded.

He was now jumping from missile to missile, making his way up to the ship. He was so going to kick that bald bastard’s ass for letting him fall. That had not been funny. The fall would not have killed him, but it would have ruined his heels. The bitch had to die.

“Whitney!” Clark yelled out, jumping missile to missile, heading ever upwards through the sky. “Superman’s coming, baby!”

TBC…

Oh, the crazy! Oh, the insanity! Oh, the blasphemy! This is so much fun. Leave a review if you’re brave enough.

Flora.