The Past Returns

Disclaimer: I don't own the High Mountain Rangers, not making any money, just cheap thrills.

Warnings: Angst, Disturbing subjects, Out Of Character

Rating: FRT-13

// and/or italics indicates a dream

The Past Returns
Chapter 3


A week later Jesse was outside chopping firewood when Matt rode up. Climbing down from his large white horse, Matt walked over to the porch and leaned against the post. For several minutes no words passed between the two men as Jesse continued chopping wood. Finally Jesse buried the axe head in the chopping block and began to gather the wood. Stepping forward Matt quietly began to help his father pick up the logs.

Jesse straightened to his full height, his arms full, "Haven't seen you in a few days son."

"Been busy, you know what it can be like."

"Yeah I do," Jesse acknowleged. "Nice of you to drop in to see your old man," he commented, adding his wood to the pile that sat next to the cabin.

"I wouldn't want you to feel neglected, I know how you old people can get," Matt teased. He stacked the wood he carried and walked back to the porch. "Saw mom the other day," he casually threw out as his father joined him.

"Did you?" Jesse calmly asked.

"She said Cody's going to come spend a few weeks with her this summer."

"We talked about it some," Jesse confirmed, without committing to anything.

"You're not going to let him?" Matt instantly bristled, ready to defend his mother's right to see Cody.

"It's not that simple..."

"Like hell it's not. If you tell him you don't want him to go, or even just look like you disapprove he'll say he doesn't want to go."

"Now you just hold on Matthew. You know I've never kept Cody from seeing his mom if he wants to."

Taking a deep breath, Matt forced himself to calm down, silently admitting the truth of his dad's words. "What's going on dad?"

"I don't know son, Cody doesn't want to go and right now I'm not inclined to force him."

"Did he say why?"

Jesse stared at the barn, trying to decide what, if anything, he should tell his oldest. He considered asking him flat out if he'd ever noticed anybody hurting his brother. He dismissed the thought almost as quickly as it came, sure that Matt would only go on the defensive if he asked. "Not exactly," he hedged.

"Dad what do you mean?"

Before Jesse could answer the question the front door opened and Cody took off at a run. "Cody stop!" he barked the order in his best Marine voice, bringing the panicked boy to an almost instant halt. Unfortunately it didn't end his panic, he dropped to his knees where he wrapped his arms around himself, rocking back and forth as his breath came in heavy gasps. "It's alright son, you're safe," Jesse soothed, rubbing his hand over Cody's back.

Matt watched the scene before him, his mind reeling with shock. He didn't understand what was happening to his brother. Following the same path his brother and father had taken, he stood uncertainly to the side, watching and worrying.

"Dad? It happened again, didn't it?" Cody whispered, looking up at his father.

"I'm afraid so son."

"I thought...I haven't had any trouble for the last two days, I thought it was over."

"I was hoping it was too Cody, but if Dr. Roberts' is right I don't think it'll go away that easily."

"Dad, Cody, what's going on?"

Jesse waved him to silence, keeping his focus on Cody. "Do you remember what happened son?"

"I heard you and Matt talking about me going to mom's and I started breathing hard, felt like I needed to run. Next thing I knew I was out here on my knees. Isn't there something you can do to make it stop? Please dad, I just want it to stop," he plead.

"I know son," Jesse soothed. "I wish there was some way I could stop it, but I don't know how." Admitting that he was helpless to fix his son's problem was one of the hardest things he'd ever had to do, but Jesse knew that he couldn't be less than honest. They'd always been truthful with each other and in this case he felt it was even more important than ever.

Matt watched them, listening with growing concern to the conversation between father and son. "Would somebody please tell me what's going on?"

"I can't do it dad," Cody whispered.

"Do you want me to tell him?"

"No...but I guess he has a right to know," Cody miserably replied. Pulling away from his dad, he pushed himself to his feet. He knew Matt should be told, he couldn't deny that, but he didn't want to see the look on his face when he was told the truth. Shoving his hands into his pockets, he trudged into the house, unwilling and unable to stay.

Matt and Jesse watched him go, one with a look of confusion; one with concern, and both wearing looks of sadness. "Let's move away from the house," Jesse said as he turned and led the way towards the barn. He stood outside the barn so he could keep an eye on the house while they talked.

"What was that all about?" Matt asked the moment his father stopped walking.

"Panic attack."

"I could see that dad, but why?"

"We don't know," Jesse sighed. "I took him to see Dr. Roberts, but he doesn't know what's happening. He said it could be post traumatic stress disorder, stress, or some sort of chemical imbalance."

"How long has this been going on?"

"A week..."

"A week?" Matt nearly yelled. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"You haven't been around Matt and it wasn't something I was going to discuss over the radio."

"You could've come to the ranger station and told me."

"Matt last week I found your brother curled up in the barn, shaking and covered in sweat. When he came out of it he couldn't tell me what had happened. Then after we saw your mom at the lodge he had another attack. He was so panicked that he left his horse at the lodge and took off running through the woods. Frankly I wasn't sure he could handle going to the ranger station right now." Jesse scrubbed a hand over his face, staring at the house with worry filled eyes, he continued his story. "I followed his tracks through the woods, he was in such a blind panic that he was stumbling and running into trees. I met up with him when he was on his way back to the lodge. Matt, he didn't remember running or hitting trees. I took him to the doctor that afternoon. Doc took some blood for tests and wanted to see him back in two weeks, until then there's not much we can do."

Matt stared at his dad as he told his story, his mind reeling with shock. Several times he opened his mouth to ask a question or spout a denial, he wasn't sure which, but each time he remained silent, unsure of what to say. "Nothing?" he questioned disbelievingly.

"The only thing that could be done is counseling and he won't consider it."

"Won't consider it? He's fifteen dad, make him."

Jesse arched an eyebrow and crossed his arms over his chest, "You really think that'd do any good?"

"No, guess not. It's just..." Matt trailed off, suddenly feeling unsure of himself.

"You're worried about your little brother and you want to help him."

"Yeah," Matt quietly agreed.

"There's something else Matt," Jesse hesitantly began the part of the conversation he dreaded.

"What?"

"Doc said one possible cause of this is abuse that Cody might have suppressed. Did you ever see anything or hear anything when you were kids that might've been more serious than you realized at the time?"

"Abuse? No! No way dad..I would've noticed...I'm sure I would've," Matt insisted, though he wasn't sure which of them he was trying to convince.

"Matt I don't want to upset you and I'm not making any accusations, but your brother said he feels really scared whenever he thinks of staying with your mom."

"You think mom...you've got to be kidding me!"

"Not your mom, but maybe somebody close to her, a boyfriend or a neighbor," he prodded, hoping to jog the boy's memory.

Matt chewed his lip thoughtfully, racking his brain as he tried to recall anything like Jesse was suggesting. "I can't think of anybody dad. Is the doctor sure about this?"

"No, he just said it was one possibility. However, with the way Cody is reacting to the idea of staying with your mom I can't help wondering if he might be right."

"Cody doesn't remember anybody hurting him?"

"No, but Dr. Roberts said that's not unusual and it would explain why he's exhibiting signs of ptsd."

"Have you tried to talk to him any? Nevermind, of course you have," Matt answered his own question. He might not always approve of the way his dad was raising Cody, but he knew that he would do anything for the kid. There was no way he would let him suffer like this and not try to find out what was happening. "I was thinking about spending the night if it's okay with you?"

"You're always welcome here son, you know that. Are you thinking maybe Cody will talk to you?"

Matt shrugged, "It's worth a shot."



Matt tried several times that afternoon and into the evening to get Cody alone, but to no avail. By that night he was sure that his little brother was purposely avoiding him. Finally Cody retired to his bedroom to get ready for bed. Matt gave him five minutes and followed after him. Nodding a greeting, he ignored the younger boy who lay nervously watching him as he got ready for bed. Climbing into the other bed, he turned and faced Cody. Speaking as though he were trying to gentle a skittish horse, he quietly called his brother's name. "I think we need to talk," he softly said when no answer was given.

"No we don't," Cody denied.

"Cody, dad told me what's going on."

"I know," Cody whispered, his eyes downcast.

"Cody look at me please." The only answer to his quiet request was the stubborn shaking of his brother's head. "Why not?"

"Don't want to see it."

"See what?" Matt was confused, that wasn't something he'd been expecting.

"The disappointment," came the quiet reply.

"You think I'm disappointed in you? Why would I be?"

"Cause I'm weak, a coward."

"Awww Cody," Matt felt his heart breaking at the miserable tone of his brother's voice. "I could never be disappointed in you little brother."

"Really?" Cody finally glanced at Matt, just as quickly looking away.

"Really, and for the record Cody, I don't think you're weak or a coward. You're one of the bravest people I know, I couldn't be prouder to call you brother."

"But I'm scared to go to mom's and," he paused to take a deep breath in an attempt to stave off another panic attack. "Just thinking about it makes me want to run away as far as I can," he shamefully admitted.

"That doesn't make you weak or a coward Cody."

"It doesn't?" Cody silently cursed the note of desperate hope he heard in his voice, another sign of weakness to his troubled mind.

"No it doesn't," Matt firmly insisted. "There's got to be a reason why you're reacting that way and we're going to find out what it is. Then dad and I are going to get you through this, help you to deal with whatever the problem is, I promise."

"Thank you Matt," Cody choked out.

Matt ignored the tears Cody tried to secretly wipe away, "You're welcome Cody. Is there anything you want to talk about tonight?"

"I don't think so, maybe tomorrow," Cody half-heartedly offered.

"Alright, goodnight Cody."

"Goodnight Matt," Cody mumbled. Turning over, he wrapped the covers around himself and tried to relax.

Lying in the next bed, Matt listened for what seemed like hours to the sound of his brother tossing and turning. He sighed with relief when Cody finally seemed to find the sleep that had eluded him so far. Breathing deeply, he closed his eyes, finally allowing himself to sleep as well.


//It wasn't as dark as he was used to, the lights from outside spilled into his room, filling it with shadows. Cody tried to be brave. He told himself that there was nothing hiding in the shadows, but still his heart raced with fear. He heard it then, quiet steps in the hallway, the jiggling of his doorknob and the creaking sound as the door opened. Pulling the covers over his head, he tried in vain to hide from the monster that lurked in the shadows. It was useless though, a small whimper escaped him as the covers were suddenly jerked away. Looking up into the face of his tormenter, his young eyes filled with tears as he wondered again why he was being hurt? He knew he must've done something bad. Someone he loved, who loved him, wouldn't hurt him if he hadn't done something to deserve it, but he couldn't remember what he'd done. He opened his mouth to ask why, but the question never emerged. The only sound that came from his mouth was a scream of terror and pain.//

Cody jerked awake, shaking with fear and covered in sweat. Glancing over at Matt, he was relieved to see that he was still asleep. "Guess I only screamed in the dream," he whispered to himself. Deciding a shower was needed, he climbed out of the bed and grabbing some clean clothes he crept from the room. As he stood under the falling water, his dream began to come back to him. Absently he washed himself as two questions ran through his mind. Did it really happen? If it did, how was he going to tell his dad?

TBC

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