a holiday for the brokenhearted

Three days later, Steve stood in the hospital nervously working up the courage to ask the woman at the desk where Jesse was. Jesse had had the previous two days off and although Steve was eager to try and repair their friendship, he wasn't quite sure if he could handle being alone with him in his apartment yet. Taking a deep breath, he finally approached the nurses station.

"Hey Nina." He greeted. "Do you know where Jesse is?"

Seeing as Steve was such a familliar face around Community General, the young nurse had no problems telling him. "Doctor Travis should still be on the third floor, he was overseeing a patient there. Would you like me to page him for you?"

"No, that's fine thank you. I'll go and find him." Flashing her a quick smile, he gt back in the elevator and headed for the thid floor. Once he reached it, he gathered his nerves and strode down the hallway, determined to resolve the situation between himself and Jesse.

Turning a corner, he stopped in shock as he finally found tha man he'd been looking for. He was standing outside a patients room talking to someone but he was different. It had only been a week since he'd started avoiding him but already he could see the changes in him.

He seemed smaller somehow, like he was hunching in on himself so he wouldn't be noticed. His usually immaculate clothing was rumpled and creased despite it being quiet in the hospital, indicating that he'd stopped taking care of his appearance. That deduction was emphasised by the unkempt hair and stubble on his normally youthful face. The black circles under his eyes helped to make him look older than his years.

Steve felt a large twinge of guilt as Jesse turned, saw him and flinched, his eyes widening in a mixture of shock and pain. He knew it was his fault, the obvious lack of sleep, the zero confidence and the slight fear that was present in Jesse's eyes and he hoped that he hadn't completely destroyed their friendship.

"Can we talk?" He asked as he approached, ignoring the other man.

"I guess so." Jesse replied reluctantly, saying goodbye to his collegue and leading him to a quiter part of the hallway where they could talk undisturbed.

"Go on then." Jesse said, before Steve had a chance to say anything. "Do it if it'll make you feel better."

"Do what?"

"Hit me. That's what you're here for right? To punch me for being gay, so just get it over with." Jesse's voice was completely defeated and Steve stared at him in horror.

"No, of course not. I'm not gonna hit you Jess, I wouldn't do that. I just wanted to talk, is that ok?" Any confidence Steve had managed to muster up had disappeared, leaving him with a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. He was still horrified that Jesse was scared that he'd harm him, he knew he could come across as intimidating to start with but he thought Jesse of all people knew him better than that.

"What do you want to talk about then?" Jesse wrapped his arms around himself as he talked, a subconcious gesture that Steve had seen countless victims do to make themselves feel safe and it made him feel even worse.

"I wanted to apologize for the way I've treated you since you told me how you felt."

"You haven't treated me anyway because I haven't seen you since." Jesse replied, a hint of bitterness in his voice.

"I know, and I'm sorry. I shouldn't have avoided you, it was a stupid thing to do."

"But it still freaks you out."

Steve opened his mouth to deny it automatically but quickly stopped himself. He knew that if he lied now then he would lose Jesse's friendship for good. All he could do was be honest and hope for the best.

"Yes." He finally admitted. "I mean, don't get me wrong Jesse, I'm flattered that out of all the men in the city it's me that you like, and you're still my best friend I hope but...."

"But you don't love me back."

"I'm sorry Jess." Steve was slightly surprised to find that he really meant it. He knew that if he was to ever enter into a relationship with another man, Jesse would be perfect for him. They'd bonded instantly, something that hadn't even happened with Jack.

They could talk for hours about anything and everything and not get bored of each others company and Jesse's cheerful nature and enthusiasm for everything appealed to him, especially as he found himself getting a little disillusioned with people. Jesse was funny and cute and kind and Steve couldn't work out how he had so much trouble finding dates.

Realising the direction his thoughts were taking, he pushed them to the back of his mind. He was sure that he wasn't gay, it was just Jesse's confession still in his head that was making him question everything. He was sure of it.

"It's ok, I wasn't expecting you to." Jesse sounded ok about it but he'd never been any good at keeping his emotions off his face and right now he looked heartbroken.

"Do you think we can still be friends?"

"Of course." Jesse replied too quickly to be totally convincing. "Please don't take yourself out of my life completely, I was never planning on telling you, I swear."

"It's ok Jess, I'm not going anywhere." Steve replied, but he knew he didn't deserve the grateful smile Jesse gave him.

"Are you off soon? If you are I'll wait around for you and we can grab something to eat in the cafeteria." He suggested, desperate to prove that things were back to normal.

"Ooh yum, cafeteria food." Jesse said sarcastically, a hint of a smile on his lips.

"Hey, don't knock it, the meatloaf's pretty good."

Jesse shook his head in amusement. "You really will eat anything won't you?! I leave off in an hour so we can sample the gourmet cuisine of Community General Hospital's cafeteria then."

"Ok, I'll let you get on with looking after your patients and I'll see you at the cafeteria in an hour." And as he wandered off to find his dad, Stevefelt a glimmer of hope that everything was going to be ok between them.

*********************

He found his father in the doctors lounge having a much needed cup of coffee.

"Hey dad." He greeted as he slid into the seat opposite him. "How's everything going?"

"It's quite slow today actually, not that I'm complaining, it means we've got more time to focus on the patients we already have." Mark replied. "Anyway, what brings you here? We haven't seen you around the hospital for a while."

"I'm meeting Jesse for lunch. We just talked, I apologised for handling everything badly and we're just gonna carry on as normal."

Watching his dad frown over the rim of his coffee mug, Steve was slightly bemused, after all, he was the one that tried to get them to talk in the first place. "What's wrong? I thought you'd be happy that me and Jess are friends again."

"Oh, I am. I don't like it when you two argue but do you really think it's going to be easy for Jesse, having to pretend that he doesn't have feelings for you, just to keep the peace?"

"I know that dad but what do you expect me to do, pretend to love him back just so I don't hurt his feelings? I can't do that."

"And I'm not asking you to, but are you sure that you'd be pretending? You didn't seem so sure last time you were here."

His dad's voice was as kind and soothing as always but the words hit him as hard as if he'd been punched. Thankfully, he was saved from answering by Amanda entering the room.

"There you are Mark, I've been looking everywhere for you. Oh, hi Steve." She smiled, finally noticing him sitting there.

"Is that the autopsy report for Mr Johnson?" Mark enquired, gesturing to the folder that Amanda was holding.

"Yep, and you were right, I found traces of penut. He was such a picky eater that he probably hadn't eaten them before. My guess is that even he didn't know he was allergic to nuts until it was too late."

"Well at least we can rule out foul play. Thanks for looking into it for me."

"No problem Mark." Amanda smiled warmly. "Was there anything else you needed me to look into before I leave?"

"No, that was more than enough. You go home and have a nice evening and give CJ a big hug from me."

"Will do." Amanda grinned. "See you tomorrow. Bye Steve."

Waving goodbye to Amanda, Steve hadn't realised that his dad was watching him expectantly. "What?"

"You didn't think you were going to get out of this conversation so easily did you?" Mark asked, his eyes twinkling with humor.

"Dad, I'm not gay." Steve said, exasperated.

"I thought I brought you up better than that, son. The world isn't as black and white as you like to think, you don't have to be gay to be in love with Jesse and you know that. I may be getting on a little but I can still tell when there's chemistry between two people."

"There's not...I mean me and Jesse aren't...I've gotta go, I'll see you later." Pushing his chair back, Steve practically ran out of the room and down to the cafeteria, trying to push his dad's words to the back of his mind.

He was still twenty minutes early and he knew he must look strange pacing up and down the hallway but he refused to go back and let his dad try to plant ideas into his head. 35 minutes later, Jesse arrive, finally in some more casual clothes but not looking any healthier.

"Hey, sorry I'm late, we had a code pink."

"What the hell is a code pink?" Steve may not have been a doctor but he grew up around the hospital and knew almost as much in theory as most of the residents but he'd never heard of that.

"It means that Sally Richards lost her favourite Barbie dress down in pediatrics!"

"Oh." Steve had to laugh. "Did you find it?"

"Yup, it was tucked down the side of the bed. Apparently I'm now her knight in shing armour and she's gonna marry me."

"And how old is your wife to be?"

"She's 6 at the moment which I suggested was a little young to be getting married so she's decided she's gonna wait until she's 9."

"Let's celebrate your last few years of freedom then before the wife stops you going out and makes you stay in in the evenings to play Barbies with her. What's it to be, here or Bobs?"

"You're finding this far too amusing." Jesse complained, but he couldn't help but grin. "We can eat here, I know you love the food for some weird reason and it's meatloaf day today."

A delighted grin crossed Steve's face and Jesse couldn't help the loving smile that formed on his lips in response. There were only two things he wanted in the world; to be a doctor, and to be the one that made Steve happy.

Well, what he really wanted was to be the one that Steve woke up to every morning and the one who held him when he was upset about not being able to save someone in time. But right now, he'd settle for being the one to make him smile as often as he could because, a week ago, he didn't even have that.

Once at the counter, Steve happily got his meatloaf and mashed potato while Jesse chose a slightly wilted looking salad, the safest looking thing there.

"Is that all you're having?" Steve asked as they sat down, frowning at Jesse's plate. "How are you supposed to last all day on that?"

"I'll eat something else later, this was just the safest looking thing up there." Jesse replied, attempting to choke down a limp lettuce leaf.

"You know what your problem is? You're too picky. This is really good, and you should try the chipped beef, it's even better."

"Ok Steve, whatever you say." Jesse grinned but it didn't quite reach his eyes even though they were both trying hard to pretend that everything was normal.

"So, uh, how's it going with Melanie?" Jesse asked, trying to keep his voice neutral. It wasn't a question he really wanted to ask but a little part of him needed to know.

"It didn't work out. Apparently she prefers guys that aren't so serious about their job."

"But you're a cop, you have to be serious about your job. If you weren't, there'd be a load of serial killers walking around." Jesse said indignantly.

Steve just sighed good naturedly, used to being ignored for younger or less serious men. "I've heard it all before, Jesse. It just means that they don't like my work coming first. Women get annoyed with missed and interupted dates all the while and not seeing each other because of long shifts and stake outs. I can't blame her for not wanting to get involved with me."

"That's stupid. You work hard because you're a good cop and you want to protect people. You'd think women would appreciate and understand that."

"Yeah well, I've got friends like you for that, you understand me perfectly." He'd meant it as a compliment, as proof that their friendship wasn't changing but as he saw the heartbroken look on Jesse's face, he knew he'd said the wrong thing.

They stared at each other for a moment, neither one moving and the air between them thinck with tension until suddenly Jesse nodded to himself as though he'd just srrived at a conclusion.

"Yeah, I do. I probably know you and understand you better than anyone. You wanna know the ironic thing about this? I theory, I'm the perfect person for you, but in reality, I'm the one person you'll never want."

Jesse got up from the table, his jaw clenched in an effort to keep his emotions in check. "I'm not very hungry any more. I'll see you later."

He turned and walked out of the cafeteria as quickly as he could, leaving Steve sitting at the table, and not being able to bring himself to look back.