Beginning With Goodbye

Disclaimer: I own nothing Supernatural and am making no money from writing this.
Pairings: Sam/Dean
Rating: NC17 but I don't know if it will get that naughty. We'll see.
Spoilers: Up to and including Provenance

Sarah smiled as she looked over the inventory list again.

Her father tried not to laugh. "Young lady, I don't think the list is all that amusing, is it?"

"Sorry. It's just...Sam called."

"Oh." He sounded a bit concerned.

"We're just friends."

"Oh!" He definitely sounded more hopeful at that point. He thought the boy was nice, but there was something about him which worried him. Something hidden and secret and he had always hoped for a nice normal life for his little girl. He had the strangest sensation that life with Sam would be anything but normal.

Sarah went into the back room to catalog a few more things and thought back to her conversation from earlier.

Sarah glanced at her phone and smiled when she saw it was Sam.

"Hey there..."

Sam sounded pleased when she answered. "Hello to you, too."

"Missing me already?"

"Well...yeah, you know."

Sarah rolled her eyes. "Stop...we've talked every time you've had even a minute to yourself. You have to stop acting so awkward."

"I didn't mean to hurt you."

"Sam Winchester, you didn't have enough power in your little finger to hurt me. Now in a few more months....yeah, probably. But you didn't tell me anything I hadn't already suspected."

"But it's kind of taboo."

"Yeah, he's your brother, but you two didn't really have that sort of relationship and...I don't know...it's not like you can conceive with him so no worries about freaks for kids."

Sam laughed. He had planned to tell Sarah it was over the first time he'd called her, but she hadn't let it go at that. She had made him talk with her and explain to her and to himself why he couldn't have a relationship with anyone else. She had proven herself to be a true friend and he hoped Dean would one day be able to open up to her as well. She'd already pledged to be there for either one of them to get through everything that was going on with Sam.

"I guess that's one way to look at it."

"Are you going to tell him?"

"No...no, I can't."

"Why not, Sam?"

"Because he won't understand. And he won't take the chance."

"What chance? You love him. That's it. He doesn't have to be afraid."

"He's been hurt too many times. I can't do it again."

"You? You've hurt him?"

"Mom died, I left, dad left...then when he found me I didn't really want much to do with him. I was forced to be with him again, but he knew it wasn't for him. It was for me and my need for revenge. He accepted it and helped me. Then I found out some girl had hurt him only to go back to help her with a situation and let her hurt him again."

"She sounds like a bitch."

"No, I think Dean still loves her and I'm hoping they get together if that makes him happy."

"So you don't want to interfere?"

"Yeah...I mean, she has the power to make him feel so loved. I want to give him that opportunity."

"That's it?"

"No, there's other stuff. He's been ignored by our father and I...I've said things to him. They weren't nice things, Sarah."

"So no chance of you telling him how you feel..."

"Not unless my hand is forced. That won't happen. Dean is strong and he's doing okay. No heartbreak so no need for me to pull him up."

"Alright...but do me a favor?"

"Anything for you."

"If you finally talk to him and things go much better than you think and....well, if you fall into bed..."

Sam choked back a laugh, shocked to think about it.

"...you have to promise to tell me about it. I want details, Winchester. You two are way too hot to keep the sex to yourselves. I mean it!"

"Yeah, Sarah."

"Hotties! Both of you!"

"Yeah, thanks." He laughed. "You know, I think you might just be my best friend."

"Well of course I am. After Dean, that is. You know, you two are going to be fine. I'm pulling for you and you both deserve some happiness. I just wish I could find a way to watch the fireworks when this happens. I guess I'll just have to be happy with my fingers and my imagination." She giggled.

"Sarah, if it weren't for this whole thing with Dean I'd be there with you right now and begging you to marry me." He laughed again.

Sarah laughed with him. "That's alright. As long as you and Dean are happy...I'm happy. Listen, I need to run. Bye, Sam."

"Bye, Sarah."

"Take care of yourself, okay? And call if you need anything..."

"You, too."

Sarah had hung up and smiled, pleased she could help, but worried Sam was making a mistake in not talking to Dean about his feelings. She knew that only time would tell how things went for the Winchesters.

--------------------------------------------

Sam walked into the hotel room and sighed as he realized the shower was off. He paced, trying to figure out how to begin, but he gotten thrown off balance when Dean came out of the bathroom holding a towel around his waist.

Sam reminded himself this went deeper than lust, but it was difficult to remember while he was watching a stray drop of water trail down his chest and beneath the towel's edge.

The younger Winchester could only wonder at how the trail would look just as slick if his own tongue had made the journey.

Sam dashed into the open bathroom and slammed the door before Dean could notice his raging erection. He took a few gulps of heated air into his lungs and nearly yelped when Dean knocked at the door.

"What?"

"Sammy, throw out my boxers, would you? I forgot we're at the end of the clothing trail."

Sam looked down and saw the blue, red, and yellow boxers crumpled on the floor. This managed to bring back the hardness in his jeans and he locked the bathroom door. "I'm already undressed. You'll have to wait."

"Sam! Open the damn door." He pounded on it, but stopped when the water started up. "Dumbass..."

Sam just stood there, grateful there was still some warm water left. He figured if Dean thought he was already in the shower he could stall. He stripped quickly and jumped in, scrubbing vigorously, knowing what he had to do.

He dried off a bit later and opened the door, wrapping a towel around himself. "Hey...I didn't get your boxers out of the way and they're soaked now from when I got out of the shower."

Dean rolled his eyes. "So what am I supposed to do?"

"Well, we're both guys. I don't think it would be horrid if we just kicked back and let them dry and then...find a laundromat."

Dean shrugged. "Yeah, I guess."

Sam smiled, glad Dean hadn't checked out his story since his boxers were fine and dry at the moment.

"So...let's talk."

Dean glanced uneasily at Sam. "Why?"

"I don't know really how to talk about this, Dean. I'm scared."

Dean immediately dropped all of his reservations and sat forward. "Sammy, you can tell me anything. You know that."

"I thought I could. Sarah keeps telling me I can, but..."

"Sarah...is that what this is about? Sam, I want you to be happy. I really don't think it would be a problem to stop back there as often as possible. And...if you can give up this hunt, then I'll take you there and you can start your life again."

"Is that what you want? You want me to go be with Sarah?"

"I want you to be happy."

"I am happy. With you."

"Don't, Sam. Look, I heard you talking to Sarah. I know you love her."

"I do love her, but not like you're thinking. Sarah and I decided not to be together like that. We're friends. That's it. She's helping me with something and she's being great about it. I didn't talk to you about it because...because of Cassie."

Dean swallowed the small lump in his throat. "What about her?"

"I figured you needed to be with her...to be happy with her."

"I don't want Cassie. I'm over her." He shrugged and, if Sam didn't already know what had happened, he would have believed him.

Sam wondered how many times Dean had successfully hidden pain from him and his father. "I saw the letter."

"You went through my stuff?"

"It wasn't like that. I needed the car keys and I just found it."

"Alright...so what, Sammy? Now you know, okay? I'm screwed up. Nobody is going to want me and that's fine. I don't need anyone. I don't need dad and I don't need you."

Sam felt the pain rolling off of Dean and didn't take the bait for the fight. "That's too bad, Dean. Because I need you."

Dean just shook his head. "No, you don't. You just told me that you talked to Sarah about this big problem you had and you didn't talk to me so..."

Sam tore off his towel and glared at Dean.

Dean's eyes widened as he stared at his brother. He was rock hard and Dean noticed he was also panting a bit.

"Uh..oh, I see. Um, Sam...." Dean looked up at the ceiling. "Uh...so it's a sex thing? Or...a herpes thing or..."

"No, it's just the erection."

"Okay..." Dean looked down at the floor, really not sure how he was supposed to handle this particular problem.

"I get it a lot."

"So you need a girl. I get it. We'll go get one for you. I can sleep in the car."

"I don't want a girl. I want a guy."

Dean shut his eyes and counted to five. He decided right then to never have children because the sex talk just wasn't going to go well. "Okay so you're gay. That's fine. There is nothing wrong with that and I really hope you know I wouldn't care if you liked banging monkeys...I'll always love you."

"It's one particular guy."

Dean thought back to the different people they'd hung out with over the last few months. "So we can go find this guy. Who is it?"

"He's handsome as hell, Dean. He's sexy and vulnerable and he never shows that soft side of him, but it's there. He's been hurt so many times and he takes so much crap and gets no gratitude in return."

"Okay, so we find this guy and get you laid."

"That's not enough. I love him. I love him so much that it hurts. It hurts even worse that I've been keeping it from him for so long. Just thinking about him gets me hard. Being near him is worse."

Dean got over his nervousness and just looked Sam in the eye, more concerned for his brother's well being than his nudity. "Hey, bro. I'm here for you. We'll talk to him. I'll get you through this." He had been relieved to hear about Sarah, but now his heart was breaking again. He couldn't admit it, though.

Sam reached out and touched Dean's cheek, following when his brother backed up a bit. "I already talked to him, but thanks."

Dean's mouth dropped open. "Dude...we're brothers."

"I know. And if this makes you sick then I'll drop it and forget I ever said a thing to you about this. Sarah thinks I should talk about it, though. She thinks that love is just love no matter what and if you're the one I need, then she thinks it's okay."

"Really?"

"Yup...and it isn't like it's anyone's business. Think about how many times we've gone somewhere and they think we're lovers. Why not just let them think that?"

Dean shook his head. "I can't do this. I can't..."

Sam stroked his thumb along Dean's cheek. "Why not?"

Dean stood up and continued to hold the towel with one hand while wrapping his free arm around himself. "It hurts, Sammy. And it's nothing compared to how it will feel when you leave me for good."

"I've got no plans to leave."

"You say that now."

"Dean, I mean it. I love you." He stood up and turned Dean around to look at him. "Don't be afraid. If you need me as much as I need you, then that's all we need to know. I love you..."

"I love you, but..."

"No 'buts'. Can you love me the same way I love you? I need to know. Be honest with me."

Dean wanted to tell him he couldn't do it. He wanted to tell him it was wrong and sick, but he couldn't. He'd been dealing with these feelings for years and the thought those feelings would be returned made him ache to let go of the walls he'd built around himself. He wanted to allow himself to feel something good for once. "Yes..."

Sam didn't wait for anything else. He just leaned down and kissed Dean's soft lips. Sam hadn't expected it to feel as right and natural as it did. Dean's soft moan made him wrap his arms around Dean and crush him to his chest.

He led Dean to the bed and pushed him back on it. "Dean, what I feel for you is far more than physical, but I'm not sure how else to express everything I'm feeling. I just feel that touching you....loving you....is the closest I can get."

"You want to...I mean, I've never..."

"Me, either. Sarah talked to me about some things, though...She looked it up on the internet. She gave me tips...I just never thought I'd use them."

Dean laughed nervously. "Oh, that was nice of her...."

"Do you trust me?"

Dean thought back to the pain he'd been feeling and the raw sensation he was feeling now. He was waiting to wake up or for Sam to hit him and say he'd just been testing Dean and now that he knew what a perv he was he was going to leave him forever. He didn't even know he was crying until Sam laid down next to him and started wiping his tears.

"Dean...Dean, please don't cry. I'm sorry. We don't have to do this."

And at that moment, Dean knew he didn't care if it was a joke or a dream. He wanted to claim all of the love being offered. For once he wanted to let himself be loved as much as he had loved others.

Dean leaned up and kissed Sam's lips quickly and gently. Then he just laid back and gazed into Sam's eyes. "I trust you with my life and my heart. I just wish they were in better shape." He smiled.

Sam grinned. "I'll fix that, okay?"

He began to kiss Dean again, probing his mouth gently with his tongue. The shudder running through Dean caused him to moan with desire and he continued to explore Dean's mouth.

Dean began to let his tongue duel with Sam's and he grunted in pure pleasure as Sam began to suck on Dean's tongue.

Sam released him then and left Dean panting for more while he enjoyed the realization of his fantasy from earlier. He let his mouth travel down Dean's neck to his chest, taking the time to swirl each nipple with his tongue before sucking it into his mouth.

Dean was in heaven and then jerked as the suction of Sam's mouth was joined by the swirling of his tongue. "Sammy...shit..."

Sam continued to move down and dipped his tongue into Dean's belly button briefly before moving down a bit further. He stopped at the towel and grabbed the terry cloth in his teeth, tugging it gently away.

He sat up and looked at Dean. "I need to know if you're willing to follow my lead. Is there anything you're scared of? Anything you don't want me to do?"

Dean shook his head. "I told you...I trust you..."

Sam nodded in understanding and licked down Dean's leg, taking the time to tenderly run his lips along Dean's toes. He enjoyed the chuckle and then moved to the other leg, moving up a little at a time.

By the time he reached Dean's penis, it was hard and weeping with precum. Sam leaned up again and waited until Dean lifted his head as well. "Sammy...."

Sam maintained eye contact and just darted his tongue out to lap at the pearl of liquid at the head of Dean's penis.

Dean jerked and fell back. "I'm gonna explode I swear...."

"Not yet..."

Sam leaned back down and devoured Dean's cock in one swallow. Dean's spasms and groans turned him on even more and he moved his mouth up and down until he thought Dean was just about to climax. Then he stopped.

Dean whimpered.

"Don't worry. I just want to help you with something...."

Sam got up and looked through his bag for the oil Sarah had insisted he buy even though he told her what was happening at this moment would never happen. He was grateful he had yielded to Sarah's intuition. The oil was some kind of warming fluid and he wondered if it would feel as good as the advertising promised.

Dean had his eyes closed and yelped in surprise and delight as he felt Sam's finger touch his entrance.

"I'm going to be careful. Do you trust me?"

Dean nodded, realizing he had to admit how much he trusted Sam just as much as Sam needed to hear it.

Sam began to suck on Dean's cock again and moved frantically until Dean was begging him for more.

Sam slowly shoved his finger inside of Dean and waited for Dean to relax before moving back and forth. When he thought he had waited long enough, he added a finger. If only he could remember what Sarah had said about a ball of nerves.

It was then that he felt it. Dean cried out at the same time and Sam knew this would be better than he thought. He began rubbing the bundle in time with the movements of his mouth and then sucked Dean deep into his throat as Dean screamed his name.

The hot salty liquid was like holy water to a dying man and Sam took down every drop. He lifted up his head, but didn't stop moving in and out of Dean. "Are you ready for this?"

Dean's eyes were partially glazed and he just nodded his head. He was terrified, but he knew Sam would take care of him.

Sam positioned himself and then grabbed the oil again. "I want you to touch me...get me ready to make love to you, okay?"

Dean nodded and took the oil with trembling hands. It was so difficult to concentrate on anything except for Sam's hot fingers moving inside of him.

He poured the oil into his hands and then reached down. Sam pulled his fingers out of Dean and leaned over so Dean could reach him better. He only managed to handle two or three strokes of Dean's hands before the warmth of the oil made him moan. He didn't want to climax too soon, so he moved away and bit down on his lower lip, not sure how to proceed.

"Sarah said..."

"I like her, but now is not the time."

"Oh...yeah...good point. Um...someone told me this would hurt at first. I don't want to hurt you."

"I don't care. At least I know you'll make it up to me."

Sam smiled. "I promise..."

Dean just closed his eyes and made himself relax. "I can't believe we're doing this." He laughed lightly.

Sam couldn't help it and laughed a bit as well. "Yeah, well...When have we ever expected what ended up happening?"

Dean smiled and took a deep breath. "Make love to me, Sammy. I need you so much."

Sam leaned down and kissed Dean lightly. "I love you...."

He pushed forward, watching Dean's face. The looks of fear and discomfort were fleeting as Dean made himself relax even more.

Sam couldn't believe the tightness and the warmth he was sinking into. He shuddered with the self control it was taking not to plunge into Dean.

Dean hadn't expected to feel so much pressure and the size of Sam was scary to him. He knew it would hurt, but he also wanted to make love with Sam. He just couldn't figure out how it would feel good considering how it felt at the moment.

Sam continued to move forward and finally pushed past the ring of muscle that had resisted so strongly.

Dean gasped at the pain and squeezed his eyes shut. He tried to focus anywhere but on the sensation of being pulled apart. He opened his eyes then as he remembered he wasn't in this alone. He would never be alone again.

He looked at Sam, so pained with self control and concern. He felt his body relax then. He'd been trying to focus on himself when he was only one part of a whole now.

Sam was surprised as the resistance faded and he slid into Dean the rest of the way. He smiled at Dean. "Okay?"

Dean took a deep breath. "Just give me a moment."

"Alright." He stayed still inside of Dean and reached down to stroke his brother into hardness again. Soon Dean was responding.

"Sam...move, please..."

Sam moved a little and took a second to get the rhythm he needed. He took Dean's hand and placed it where his had just been and then braced himself on one arm while taking Dean's free hand in his own.

They held each others' gazes as Sam continued to show his brother how he felt. Soft whispers and long moans filled the room. Dean's movements became more frantic and Sam felt the tightness around him. He let go of Dean's hand and leaned forward so his face was over Dean's. Then he took his hand and started running his fingers through Dean's hair. "Let go, Dean...I love you. I'm here..."

Dean threw his head back and cried out as tears pushed out of his eyes and he came hard, covering his chest and stomach.

Sam gasped at the feeling of being inside of Dean as he climaxed and followed Dean into the abyss. He gripped Dean's hand again as he came.

Both men took a moment to catch their breath and slow their heartbeats.

Dean was afraid to look at Sam, needing to convince himself none of this was a cruel joke.

Sam gently pulled out of Dean, knowing the older man would be sore for awhile, but not horribly so. He grabbed the discarded towel from earlier and wiped Dean off softly. "Dean? Are you okay?"

Dean looked at Sam then and was confused by the normalness he felt. "Am I okay? What type of a question is that? Damn, Sammy..."

Sam's brow furrowed and he was unsure if this was good or bad. "Um...well, if you're not okay then..."

"You just shoved your dick up my ass, spaz. No, I'm not okay. Geez...you been using those natural enlarging pills or something?"

Sam's eyes widened. His brother was giving him shit. They'd just made love and he was giving him shit. "You're just jealous I'm bigger than you..."

"You wish! I'm just as big as you. I just got it naturally." He smiled his patented shit eating grin.

"Oh yeah? Well, if it's a problem we don't have to do this ever again...." Sam smirked.

"Nah, I wouldn't go that far to keep your secret, Sammy. You should be proud of your dick, even if it is really tiny without the meds."

"You shit!" Sam shoved his brother and regretted it as he was tackled and tickled. The two wrestled for a bit. Even though they were having fun, Sam was careful with Dean after what they'd just done.

They ended up with Dean on top of Sam, staring down at him and smiling. It didn't take long for his smile to fade and be replaced by a more serious look. "Did you mean it?"

"That I have a bigger dick? Yeah..." Sam smiled, but calmed down when he saw that Dean was being serious. "Mean what?"

"Do you love me?"

"You know I do."

"You won't leave me?"

"Not again...no. It would take-"

"Don't say it."

"We face it every day."

"Nothing will take you away from me if I can help it. And I've met the grim reaper...one of them...I can take him."

Sam smiled and reached up to rub Dean's shoulder. "And you'll walk into hell to save me, won't you?"

Dean shook his head. "Hell isn't where we'll end up, Sammy. We're the good guys."

"Yeah, we're the good guys."

"I don't know how to not be alone."

"I know. I'll be patient. We'll figure this out together, okay? But you have to tell me when you're upset and you have to tell me when you're feeling lonely with me right in the room with you, alright?"

"I think I can do that." He bent down. "Can I kiss you?"

"Anytime."

Dean kissed him and sighed as he began to believe what Sam was saying. He rolled over and curled up against Sam's side. "Sammy?"

"Yeah, Dean?"

"Why did you leave me before?"

"I was stupid...and I didn't know what I was feeling. I guess to really start my journey to you I had to say goodbye."

"That's an odd beginning to a relationship."

"Well...we're odd. It's how it is. Hey....do you mind if I call Sarah later?"

"For what?"

"Just delivering on a promise...."

Dean just rolled his eyes. "What promise?"

"Details." Sam grinned.

Dean laughed. "Details? Crap...I suppose...just make me look good, okay?"

"That won't be a problem." Sam reached over and squeezed Dean's nipple playfully before claiming Dean's mouth again.

And Sarah waited just a little bit longer for her call....

The END