Condemned to be Free

Pairing: None for this chapter
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Rape aftermath, angst (I try to keep it real so be careful reading it)
Summary: Dean's been raped and Sam has to try and figure out how to help him through it.
A/N: Do's and Don'ts come from some literature of mine so I don't own them either.


Sam must have fallen asleep because he startled when a hand gently rested on his shoulder. He looked up into Betsy's eyes.

"What?" He quickly turned to Dean, pleased that he was still asleep.

"Obviously he's exhausted so I let you sleep here for awhile. It's almost morning, though, and the hospital is going to catch on and try to charge you for a stay. The drug in his system is probably what knocked him out so well. Just get him up here in a few minutes. I told the officers that you brought him in with the car so they're figuring it wouldn't do much good to process it. If you want them to, just get what you want out of it and I'll have them come and get it."

"No...No, I wiped it down. When I found out what they did I just..." He shook his head, unable to lie well at all, but knowing that they couldn't find all the weapons.

"It's fine. I think we have enough anyway."

"You do?"

"We found a few pubic hairs on your brother during the exam. They didn't look like his."

"Pubic hairs..." His stomach rolled as he thought of someone pressed against his brother like that, thrusting into him. He must have started to turn green because Betsy was holding an emesis basin just in case. "I'm fine. Just...shocked."

"I've put your things from Paula in a bag along with the prescriptions. The doctor didn't want to tell you anything last night because you were so distressed, but he also wants Dean to have an ointment. It's pricey, but...well, what do you know...we happened to find some that wasn't being used." She opened the bag and he saw a large tube in there and he guessed that they wouldn't need a refill.

"I don't know what to say."

"Sam, this is to be applied once a day, preferably before he goes to bed." She continued to look at him with an odd expression and he couldn't figure what she was saying at first and then he shook his head as it dawned on him.

"No. No, I can't do that. He won't let me. He'll scream. You saw what he did last night." He felt the tears streaming down his face, but he didn't care. He just couldn't do that to Dean.

"You're going to have to. If he gets an infection..."

"That's what the pills are for."

"Yes, but this is better. Listen...you can get by with only using the ointment if he starts bleeding, okay?"

Sam just nodded. He knew he had to, but he didn't think he'd get anywhere near Dean. "Thanks, Betsy. I really appreciate it. I know that I'm losing it."

She patted his shoulder. "No, honey. Someone you love is hurt real bad. You're acting just fine." She pulled out a few more things for him. "Read this as soon as you get back. I really think it will help you. I called my daughter. She's a therapist. I told her I had a difficult case and she brought these booklets. Her card is in there, too, if you need to talk. She said you could call and she works with Paula regularly."

Sam couldn't resist and just grabbed the mean looking nurse in a tight embrace and continued to cry. "Thank you. Thank you so much. I feel so lost."

"I know." She finally left, wishing him the best of luck.

Sam scrubbed at his face and went into the small attached bathroom to wash up. He couldn't believe how red his eyes were and hoped he'd get more sleep later. For now, Dean needed him and it was time to deal with the present.

He walked out and stared down at Dean. Okay...how do I do this? He stroked Dean's cheek lightly, avoiding the purplish mark. "Dean...Dean, wake up. Please? Dean, I need you to get up!"

Dean's eyes snapped open, but he didn't move. It took a minute or two for things to come back to him and Sam hated seeing his eyes cloud with fear and confusion.

Getting him ready took very little time. He didn't talk and just let Sam dress him for the most part. Sam decided that the hospital could spare a blanket and draped it over Dean's shoulders before grabbing up the bag. "Come on...I just have to get you somewhere where you can lie down again."

It annoyed Sam that people were staring at Dean. Some poor guy in scrubs with a dazed look in his eyes instantly started up speculation. The bruises didn't help. Sam was almost to the car when Dean stopped and just stared at the vehicle.

"Dean? Dean, it's fine. Come on. I can't leave the car here with all the stuff."

He walked to the passenger side and opened the door for him. He was about to shove Dean inside when he stopped again. "What is it? It's just..." His voice trailed off as he saw the bloodstained mess that used to be his jacket sitting over the seat. "Oh...Dean, I'm sorry..."

He moved the jacket and waited for Dean to get comfortable before slamming the door. Then he threw the jacket in the trunk. He closed it and looked up at the sky. It was getting gray and he wanted to get Dean somewhere before daylight. He knew that Dean had always had trouble falling asleep once the sun started shining.

He climbed into the driver's seat and took off, not really caring where they ended up, but knowing they didn't have a lot of time. Within fifteen minutes he found a string of hotels and pulled up to one with the least amount of cars. He asked for a room on the end where they wouldn't be disturbed and took the key. When he got back to the car he saw that Dean's eyes were closed. "Dean?"

Dean didn't open his eyes when he spoke. "Don't leave me alone like that."

Sam's mouth fell open, not realizing that he probably scared Dean by just getting up and walking away like that. "I'm sorry. I won't unless I tell you where I'm going first. Come on."

He drove to park in front of their door and then helped Dean out of the car, grabbing their stuff. He helped him into the room and dropped their things. Then he turned the covers down. "Do you want to lie down now?"

Dean just shook his head and wordlessly went into the bathroom. The shower started and Sam sighed in relief. He at least had some time to glance through the booklets.

He turned on the light and flopped on one of the beds, looking at all of them. He saw one marked 'Do's and Don't's and figured that was where he should start.

Okay....let's see here...

"Do Tell him he is not alone, that approximately one in fourteen men is a rape survivor."

Wow...so didn't know that.

"Do Tell him that the rape was not his fault."

Sam frowned at this one. Had he told him that already? He was certain that he hadn't, but decided that he would make sure he told him if Dean brought it up.

"Do Listen non judgmentally. Remember his experience is not any less traumatic because he is a man."

Sam sighed. Seems to me like it couldn't be any more traumatic than this...but it's Dean...he always bounces back.

He noticed that there were some Don'ts and he almost didn't read them. I'm not going to screw up.. But then he thought that it couldn't hurt to read them.

"Don’t express discomfort with issues and conversations related to sexuality. This might be one of the foremost areas of concern and your uneasiness might cause him not to mention it again."

Sexuality...like homosexuality? But Dean's not...oh, but he did just get raped by a guy so maybe he might think...maybe I'll tell him that I'm bisexual. That might help him. I don't want to do anything to make him stop talking to me, though.

"Don’t panic if he is suicidal. This is a common aftermath of male rape. He will best be calmed by a conversation where he is able to express what he is feeling. Point out to him that he is alive and has survived the assault. Make him aware of the fact that he is not alone and that there are other male survivors out there. He needs to know that it is possible to recover from the trauma."

Sam just stared at the passage. Suicidal? Dean? That won't happen. That can't happen. That...okay, let him express himself. I can do that, but what if he won't? Shit, Dean, I'm not going to lose you.

"Don’t Tell others. Protecting his anonymity or confidentiality is vital."

What about Dad? Shit, I have to tell Dad.

"Don’t accuse him of being homophobic if he indicates hatred or fear of gay males. However at an appropriate time, inform him that most men who rape self identify as heterosexual. Rape is to control, humiliate, degrade the victim; it is not for sexual gratification."

Dean wouldn't do that, but I understand if someone did. Thank God for Zach. I don't think we have to worry about this one.

He flipped the pamphlet closed and looked at the bathroom door. He started thinking about how difficult it must be for Dean right now and how ashamed he must be. He had to help him and he was determined to do a damn good job of it.

He walked over to the door and knocked lightly. "Dean? Come on, Dean. It's time to get out."

When he didn't get an answer he checked the doorknob, relieved to find it unlocked. There was plenty of steam in the room and Sam quickly shoved his hand into the shower to make sure it wasn't burning hot. He peeked around the curtain to see Dean just standing there. "Hey...you're going to run out of hot water soon. Do you want me to help?"

Dean turned dead eyes to Sam and nodded his head.

Sam tried not to cry as he washed Dean's hair and gently pulled a washcloth over his skin. He started to talk about everything and anything and Dean just watched him, not responding at all.

Then he turned the shower off and grabbed some towels to wrap around him. "Dean, can I dry you off?"

Dean nodded again and Sam lovingly wiped him off. He held him close and rubbed the towel over his face so carefully and gently and then scrubbed his hair. He rubbed down his back, but put his arms around him, hoping that Dean would find some comfort in his embrace. Dean didn't seem to react in any way.

He wiped his chest and arms and legs and then looked at Dean. "Do you want me to...?" He glanced down and Dean shook his head. "Okay. You do it. I won't look."

He closed his eyes and after a moment he felt Dean hold the towel to him and he opened them. "Done? Okay, do you want to wear something to bed?"

Dean just shrugged and Sam led him out with only a towel wrapped around his waist. He let him lie on his side on the bed and then pulled out some boxers of his and some sweats of Dean's. "I know you wear those boxer briefs, but these will fit you and they're looser. I thought they might be more comfortable."

Dean wordlessly took them and pulled them on, letting the towel fall. Then he let Sam help him with the sweats. The numbness that was taking him over tore at Sam, but he had to see this through.

Sam made sure the bed was completely ready and then tucked Dean under the covers. "Dean?" He waited until Dean's eyes met his. "It's been a rough night." He had to be careful how he did this. If Dean thought that he thought he was was weak he'd lose him. "Dean, I just don't want to be alone. Is it okay if we share a bed? Just for now? I think I'll feel safer if I know you're next to me." Brilliant. Just need him like you always have.

Dean stared at him with those haunted eyes and Sam was beginning to wonder if he'd heard him at all.

Finally Dean nodded. Sam nearly jumped for joy, but contained himself long enough to put out the No Maid Service sign and lock the door tightly.

He went into the bathroom and took the quickest shower known to man. It didn't hurt that the hot water was all gone. Then he stripped down to his own boxers and started to crawl into bed. He stopped when he saw Dean staring at him in fear. "Whoa...what is it?" He realized that his state of undress might be bothering him so Sam pulled on sweats as well and donned a t-shirt. "Better?"

Dean's visible relaxation gave him his answer. He got under the covers and looked at Dean. "Do you want a pillow barricade?"

Dean smiled slightly, remembering how they'd put all their pillows up when they shared a bed once in awhile because Sam had been a kicker. He shook his head and stared at the ceiling.

Sam sighed and propped himself up on one elbow. "Look, I didn't say anything before, but...I want you to know how proud I am of you."

Dean furrowed his brow in confusion and turned on his side, looking at his brother.

"I mean it, Dean. You went through the exam and the questions and you got through it. It's hard to be a survivor and that's what you are. You made it. You went through hell and now you're here with me...safe...where you belong."

Dean wasn't sure if holding it together would be an option much longer. He was still his little brother's hero and he wasn't sure how to take that. He finally decided to share something with him and see what happened. "I feel them."

Sam couldn't believe that Dean was talking to him. He wanted to cry or shout with joy or jump up and down. Instead he just tilted his head. "Tell me, Dean. What do you mean you feel them?"

"It's like their hands are still there. And their mouths."

Sam nodded. He'd seen the half empty tube of toothpaste and the discarded toothbrush in the bathroom. "I'm sorry, Dean. I wish I could make this go away for you."

"My ass...it's throbbing and the feeling makes it...it's like they're still fucking me, Sammy." His eyes widened suddenly as he said his brother's name and he lost it. He closed his eyes and started to sob. Great heartbreaking sobs wrenched themselves from his throat and he covered his face in shame.

Sam bit his lower lip and watched the unusual emotional display. He wanted to wrap him up, but wasn't sure how Dean would react. "Dean, it's okay. I'm so sorry. Look, can I hold you? Please, Dean? Let me hug you tight and we'll fight the bastards together now, okay?"

Dean just nodded his head, afraid to speak and willed himself to stand his brother's touch. He forced himself to breathe and nearly cried out at the relief that flooded through him as his brother pulled him close and he didn't have the need to flinch away.

He'd heard that people who went through this couldn't stand to be touched sometimes, but once Sam had touched him he had just wanted more. He wanted to burrow into the safety of that embrace and never emerge. He snuggled closer and Sam reached up to hit the light, leaving them in the dim room.

Sam pulled Dean as close as possible, letting him cocoon under the blankets and against Sam's body. The sobs continued for a long time and Sam just petted Dean's hair and kissed his temple lightly, whispering nonsense to him and telling him how much he was loved and how he'd never be left alone or scared again.

TBC...