In The Dark

The incident isn’t mentioned again and for two weeks things begin to return to a degree of normalcy. Both boys return to school, though Lucas does his best to avoid his friends and simply keeps his head down. It’s as if school and basketball are the only things in his life now, other than Nathan, of course, who remains his sole confidant and roommate.

Nathan seems back to his old self, the Nathan before Haley broke his heart and abandoned him. Both his friends and teachers are pleased with the change in Nathan, but they can’t help but notice the negative change in Lucas. He no longer smiles, just wonders through the hallways like a lost soul, looking as if he hasn’t slept nor eaten for days, which isn’t far from the truth. They all look to Nathan for answers, but he doesn’t know quite where to begin.

“Luke, all you do is stay at home and go to school.” Nathan points out as they drive home from basketball practice. “You’ve gotta start living, man. This isn’t healthy.”

“What do you want me to do?” Lucas asks, devoid of any enthusiasm.

“How about cheer up for a start!” Nathan demands. “Lets go to the Rivercourt and shoot some hoops.”

“The guys might be there.” Lucas says, quietly.

”Yeah? So what?” Nathan asks. “You’re only letting Dan win if you keep letting him get to you like this. Do you see me moping around, acting like a zombie?”

“Okay, we’ll go!” Lucas gives in. He drives off in the direction of the court. “I know how I’m acting and it’s not like I want to. I just can’t stop.”

“Then lets do something about that.” Nathan suggests. “You’ve been playing like shit lately, you need the practice.”

Lucas finally breaks a smile, shaking his head. “We’ll see about that.”

*~*~*~*

“He shoots, he scores!” Nathan does a little victory dance, grinning as Lucas laughs at him. It’s great to see his brother smiling again. “What did I tell you? You suck, man!”

“That was a warm up. I won’t be so easy on you next time, little brother!” Lucas smirks, catching the ball as Nathan bounces it to him.

“Bring it on!” Nathan teases.

They continue to play for an hour, Lucas finally getting his game back and Nathan not having to let him win just to make him feel better. The challenge grows in intensity until Nathan has to cheat in order to keep up. Lucas is so focused on playing, he doesn’t even notice.

They finally end up colliding into each other, the ball bouncing off into obscurity as they catch their breath. Nathan’s smile fades as he realises how close they are. He feels that urge again, stronger than before. Lucas doesn’t immediately move away, so Nathan does something stupid and kisses him, more intensely than Lucas had dared to kiss him. For a moment Lucas doesn’t respond and Nathan realises his mistake, ready to pull away and apologise. Before he can, Lucas begins kissing him back; hungrily devouring every inch of Nathan’s mouth as if this is the last time he’ll ever get the chance.

There’s no pulling away this time. Nathan never wants to let go it feels so good in Lucas’ arms. They forget where they are, nothing mattering as much as finally doing what they’ve wanted to do longer than either of them can admit.

It isn’t until they hear a police siren in the background that they break apart, panting more now than they were before.

“Don’t even think about apologising.” Nathan says, before Lucas can play the self-pity card.

“Actually, this is more your fault than mine, so I’m going to let you take the blame this time.” Lucas points out.

”Regrets?” Nathan asks, insecurely.

“No.” Lucas admits. “You?”

“Not unless you count letting you win.” Nathan jokes.

“This is fucked up though. You know that right?” Lucas asks, anxiously. “After Dan and everything, it might feel like its okay, but nobody can ever find out.”

Nathan nods. “It’d be worse than people knowing about the rape. So maybe we should just keep it as quiet as possible. No outdoor activity, if you know what I mean?”

“Whoa, I kiss you and already you’re talking activity?” Lucas asks, half-joking.

“Firstly, I kissed you, and secondly, you’re not ready to go there. Especially not with me. So lets just concentrate on being friends. If stuff happens, we can put it down to having fucked up genes. As long as it stays secret, nothing bad can happen.”

Lucas hesitantly agrees. “When you say I’m not ready to go there…does that mean you are?”

Nathan really doesn’t want to answer that question. Not now. So he fakes a smile and tells Lucas what he needs to hear. “Not if you’re not.”

Feeling utterly confused, but mildly comforted by Nathan’s determination not to push him into anything, Lucas nods in agreement. “Okay.” It doesn’t say nearly enough of the eternity of things he wants to say, especially the strong feelings he’s developing for his brother, but it will do for now.

Nathan runs to retrieve the ball and they head back to the truck, throwing his arm around Lucas’ shoulder as he would any member of his team, joking about basketball victories and future games.

*~*~*~*

When they return home that night, both boys fight over who gets the shower first. Lucas knows he can win just by pouting at his easily manipulated brother, but he has a better idea. He gives in, smiling at Nathan’s suspicious look. He backs off and lets Nathan shower first, waiting a few seconds before he strips off his clothes, enters the bathroom quietly and opens the shower curtain.

Nathan isn’t so much surprised as he is amused, helping Lucas inside and making room under the hot stream of water blasting onto their skin. “You sure this okay?”

“We’ve showered together before, you know.” Lucas points out with a grin.

”Yeah,” Nathan says, awkwardly grabbing the shampoo and running it through his hair, “along with the rest of the team. And with a lot more space.”

”If we have space, why does Tim always shower right next to you, as close as he can possibly get?” Lucas jokes, watching the bubbles run from Nathan’s hair, down his well-defined chest.

Nathan just laughs, wondering, possibly even hoping, that Lucas is a little jealous. He catches Lucas copping a perve and reaches out to grab his waist to pull him closer. The moment the touch connects, Lucas jolts away from him, his face turning pale. “Shit, Luke, I’m sorry. I knew you weren’t ready for this.”

Lucas steps out of the shower, grabbing a towel and covering himself. “No, its not what you think. I just…I’m going to bed.”

Nathan watches helplessly as Lucas bolts. He should have known better, it was one thing messing around fully clothed, but trying to touch him so intimately while they’re both so vulnerably naked was a stupid idea. He quickly finishes up and turns the shower off.

Without fresh clothes, Nathan has no choice but to go into the bedroom wearing just a towel. Lucas is already in bed, on the opposite end to the one Nathan sleeps at. It had seemed like the right thing to do at the time, saving Lucas from sleeping on the couch. Now, however, it seems like a very bad idea. He grabs a few things and goes to leave, intending to sleep on the couch. Before he can, he hears the soft sound of crying coming from Lucas. He walks over hesitantly, wanting to reach out and comfort him, but not knowing how his brother will respond. “Lucas? Talk to me.”

“I just got scared, Nathan.” Lucas explains, without turning round. He attempts to sound braver than he actually feels, but he’s not sure he even remembers how. “Its not you.”

“Yeah, it is me.” Nathan admits, sitting on the edge of the bed. “I should have known you weren’t ready for anything like that. I just got lost in the moment.”

Lucas turns slowly to face him. ”I wanted you to touch me, I did…but when it happened, I just couldn’t stand it. All I could think about is how disgusting I feel. I didn’t want you touching me while I’m like this.”

Nathan frowns. “I’ve been where you are, Luke, I’m not going to rush anything. I’m not even going to try anything until you say you want me to.”

“How did you get past this? I keep trying, but I constantly feel sick. I can barely function without you here to help me. You can act like its all okay. I want to be like that.” Lucas laments.

“You didn’t know me when it first happened. If you’d known me, you’d have seen how I dealt with it. Lucas, the way I treated you when you first joined the basketball team? That’s the way I treated everybody. I was a total jerk for no reason to so many people. I thought that if I became my Dad, it wouldn’t hurt so much. Until Haley came along, I was constantly thinking about suicide, or finding other people to take my own pain out on. Haley reminded me I could be a better person. If she hadn’t, I’d either be dead or worse, just like Dan.”

Lucas feels an incessant surge of guilt as Nathan talks about Haley, something he has so far managed to avoid. He misses her like crazy and would never do anything to hurt her…but he can’t help but wish it’d been him helping Nathan overcome his pain. He knows one day he’ll have to deal with the Haley issue. It’s something unspoken between them, both hoping it’ll never need to be discussed.

“See? Not so good with dealing either.” Nathan smiles, faintly.

“So you’re okay now? You don’t think about it?” Lucas asks, worriedly.

Nathan shakes his head. “I wish. I’m better than I was. A lot better since I emancipated myself. But when I sleep alone, I have nightmares. Well, they’re not really nightmares, ‘cause I’m awake. Between sleep and awake, I guess. I scare the hell out of myself because I think Dan’s trying to get in and I can sit there for hours, just watching the door, not daring to move. It’s a horrible feeling and it’ll probably never go away, but as long as I can carry on with my life and have fun and stand up to Dan when I need to, I don’t care. He’s never going to beat me.”

Lucas wishes he could have the same strength he sees in his younger brother. “You don’t have to sleep alone.”

“Yeah, I do.” Nathan smiles, softly. “I’m gonna take the couch, you need your space.”

“Look, I know I freaked out, but it won’t happen again. Especially if we’re just sleeping. We’ve been sleeping in the same bed for two weeks and I didn’t freak out then!” Lucas argues. “If you don’t get nightmares when you’re with someone and I need someone with me when I wake up from mine, it makes sense to share a bed.”

“Don’t try and use common sense on me, it won’t work!” Nathan jokes, lightly. “I never want to make you feel like I just did. I’m not him.”

”I know that!” Lucas insists. “And I’m not going to break if you look at me the wrong way. If I wanted to be mollycoddled I’d be living with my mom.”

“Okay, okay, point taken.” Nathan says, defensively. “So you’re saying I can’t mollycoddle you just a little bit?”

“No.” Lucas replies, in mock seriousness. “Unless its in a good way.”

“I can do that.” Nathan grins. “So, about this sharing the bed thing…”

“Get in if you have to, but I just got warm, so don’t get your cold feet all over me.” Lucas warns.

Nathan goes into the bathroom to change, ignoring Lucas’ annoyed moan. He knows he’s being a bit too careful, but he feels better this way. Once he’s wearing a t-shirt and boxers, he returns, slipping into bed at his end, accidentally brushing his cold feet against Lucas’ as he does.

Lucas yelps and curls into a ball, throwing Nathan a sarcastic look. “Thank you.”

“Pleasure.” Nathan retorts, getting comfortable. “You ready for the game tomorrow?”

“Have you seen how well I’ve been playing lately?” Lucas fronts. “Not even the pills are slowing me down anymore.”

“In practice maybe, but we all know who the star is when it comes to the games.” Nathan mocks.

“We’ll see!” Lucas rolls his eyes, feeling his eyes getting heavy. His last thought before blissful slumber is how happy it makes him that his mere presence is stopping Nathan from having nightmares. He sleeps well that night, no nightmares, just forgettable dreams and the feeling that everything is going to be okay.

*~*~*~*

Nathan wakes the next morning, feeling happier than usual. He turns to kiss his wife, who is cuddled up next to him, but promptly stops himself when he realises its Lucas. He smiles, wondering how he’d slept through Lucas shifting his entire body around in order for them to lie beside each other. He still wants to kiss him, but he just watches instead, loving the peaceful expression on his brother’s face, and taking credit for it being there.

Lucas eventually opens his eyes and frowns at Nathan. “When did you move?”

”Actually, you moved.” Nathan points out.

Lucas takes a quick look round the room and realises he’s the wrong way. “So I did.”

“You’re making it very difficult for me to be restrained here, you know that?” Nathan jokes.

“Is it time to get up?” Lucas asks, wondering if they’ve slept through the alarm again.

“Almost.” Nathan sighs. “Unless we skip school and stay in bed. I like the sound of that.”

“Well I like the sound of being allowed to play tonight.” Lucas points out. “So we’re going.”

“Okay, you win.” Nathan forces himself out of bed. “I’ll make breakfast.”

“You really know how to spoil a guy.” Lucas laughs; stretching out now he has the whole bed to himself.

“Don’t get too comfortable, I’ll be back!” Nathan warns, heading into the kitchen.

Lucas is almost ready to go back to sleep when he hears a knock at the door. Realising how bad it might look to the casual observer him being barely dressed in his brother’s bed, he jumps up and starts throwing clothes on, trying to hear who’s calling this early in the morning.

As he steps out of the bedroom and heads into the living room, he recognises the visitor’s voice. Haley’s back. Lucas literally has to force himself to look happy about it as she jumps up and hugs him.

“Oh my God, Lucas, what are you doing here?” Haley asks, grinning.

Lucas throws a look at Nathan, who looks less than happy about the situation as he sits on the couch, still in his t-shirt and boxers. “Uh, I’m staying here, just for a while.”

Haley frowns, looking back at Nathan. “Oh, right.”

“Uh, Haley, this really isn’t the good time, so why don’t you come back later.” Nathan says, coldly. “I have to get ready for school.”

Haley’s smile fades and she nods, reluctantly. “Later, then. I’m sorry this is so early. I’ve been travelling all night…”

”Bye, Haley.” Nathan interrupts, going to open the front door for her.

Severely disheartened, Haley leaves, half-waving goodbye to Lucas before she’s gone.

“You didn’t have to treat her like that.” Lucas says, disapprovingly.

“I just can’t deal with her right now. I need to focus on you, Haley doesn’t deserve to be treated well, not by me, not after what she’s done.” Nathan argues, moodily. “I’ll talk to her later and see what she wants, if she needs to see me that badly, she can wait.”

Lucas doesn’t agree, but then he hasn’t had his heart broken by her, so he keeps quiet. A small part of him is glad Nathan is choosing him over Haley. The rest of him feels guilty for even thinking it.

“Breakfast.” Nathan mutters to himself as a reminder. He starts to cook, but Lucas is no longer hungry. He slumps on the couch and begins trying to sort things out in his head. With Haley back in town, he knows this could spell the end for his semi-relationship with Nathan. And that thought scares him more than facing his father.

*~*~*~*

At school, Lucas finally acknowledges his friends, attempting to fix the damage he’s done in his haze of self-pity. Most of all, he just wants to get his life back on track, the way Nathan has. The day turns out to be a good one and Lucas is more than excited about the game tonight. He’s never been so focused during basketball before. He doesn’t exactly want to thank Dan for that, but he does see it as a positive effect of something that could have potentially ruined everything.

In the locker room, only a few minutes before they’re due out on the court, Lucas is joking around with a couple of the guys, carefully avoiding their questions about why he’s been so down recently and showing them he doesn’t intend on being that way any longer. He’s so caught up in having a good time, it takes him a while to realise they’re not alone. Whitey has just entered the room, closely followed by Dan, who is looking particularly smug for some reason.

Lucas darts out of view, hiding behind the nearest set of lockers. No one seems to notice his behaviour, so he slips across the room to find Nathan. “Dan’s here.”

Nathan groans. “This is all we need. Okay, stay with me, focus on the game and don’t let anybody see him getting to you. Especially him. You can do this!”

Lucas nods, not so sure, but willing to give it a try. As Whitey calls them over, they reluctantly join the rest of the team, both boys doing their best not to look at Dan, who is still standing nearby.

“Alright ladies, lets get out there and show this team what we can do!” Whitey yells at them, opening the gym door. The boys start to pile out after their coach, Lucas and Nathan joining them.

Dan stands at the entrance, smirking as his sons wait to pass him. “I’ll be watching. You better make me proud.”

Lucas glares at him and hisses, “If you honestly think we give a fuck about your pride, you’re sadly mistaken.”

Nathan laughs and follows Lucas out, patting him on the back briefly in support. “Knew you had it in you.”

Lucas can’t believe he had the guts to do it. As they get into position, ready to start the game, Lucas catches Dan’s eye and sees the seething anger and threats of retribution directed at him. He forces the fear back down and tries to feel proud he stood up to him the way he did. When the game starts, Lucas is as focused as ever.

*~*~*~*