Looking Back

Brian was leaning against one of the walls in the backroom of Babylon with his latest trick. He looked down at him with only mild interest. He had no idea what the guy's name was let alone anything else about him.


"Not true," he thought to himself. "I know he can dance 'fairly well' and (with some practice) he may someday be able to give a decent blowjob." He was doing a good enough job for the moment however. He noticed the guy had slowed down and looked down to see if there was a reason. The guy was looking up at him with bright blue eyes; looking for some kind of positive feedback. Brian's first inclination was to tell the guy that there was an advantage to not knowing what you are doing - it can only get better. He rejected that idea after some more careful consideration. His cock was still in the guy's mouth. Now was probably not the best time for such "constructive criticism". Instead, he plastered his normal sneer on his face and said, "Don't stop now…" That was all the encouragement the trick needed. He moved his concentration back to Brian's cock and picked up the pace. Brian leaned his head back and tried to concentrate as well; telling himself that the sooner he came the sooner he could ditch the guy and go get a drink. A couple minutes later he came. He delivered his obligatory smile to the trick and muttered a "thanks, it's been real" as he zipped his jeans and walked away.


He stopped at the bar and looked at the bartender. He had debated fucking the guy on more than one occasion, but every time he thought about it, he would remember his narrow escape from the sexual harassment suit at work several years ago. He had made himself a promise after that to NEVER fuck someone he worked with ever again. The bartender, Tony, looked up and saw Brian looking at him. He nodded at the boss, reached under the counter, grabbed a bottle of Jim Beam and put it on the bar. Brian nodded his head toward the stack of tumblers and Tony turned and grabbed one to hand to him. Brian took it from him and poured himself a drink. He picked up the glass and looked at the dark fluid swirling around in the glass. The motion mesmerized him for a few seconds. He gave a disgusted sigh and then downed the drink and closed his eyes as the familiar burning sensation in his throat followed. A few seconds later, a feeling of contentment flashed through him. Something about the series of events unnerved him, but he couldn't put his finger on the cause. He thought about it for a few more seconds before giving up and quickly downing another glass and then decided to go home.

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Justin had managed to divert Daphne's attention away from the Inner Sanctum for a couple of days and was feeling rather proud it. He had only been there once or twice since moving to New York and both times were when Emmett had come to visit him. He had a blast those times of course. It was nearly impossible to NOT have fun with Emmett. However, the few times he had thought about going clubbing on his own he had quickly talked him self out of it. He wasn't afraid of going alone; it just didn't compare to going out with "the gang". It bored him. He had already played "who wants to take me home tonight" back in Pittsburgh and it all seemed rather childish to him now.

He wasn't really looking for a new lover (yet). He wasn't "in the mood" to find someone to bring home for a night. He simply could not seem to get motivated in any social aspect. He didn't feel depressed; he just was tired of playing the games. Unfortunately, this mindset caused Justin to become extremely isolated. The only people he really talked to were art dealers and their associates. Justin had used his isolation to concentrate on his art and decided he would have plenty of time for fun later once he was a success. Having to deal with the club scene now would throw a wrench in his plans; but he was about to realize his vote didn't count - at least not this week.


"Come on Justin! You won't have enough time to get ready if you don't get in the shower right now!" Daphne whined from the other room.


"Ok - Ok… I'm heading there now." Justin called as he rinsed his brush out. He stopped at the door to his room and was about to open it when he heard Daphne giggle. "Stop Keith - I'm trying to get dressed!" Justin laughed to himself and continued on to the bathroom. Five minutes later he stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around his waist. He ran some mousse through his hair and brushed his teeth before opening the bathroom door and heading back towards his room.


"If you're naked - you better get covered up fast because I am opening the door…" Justin called out. As he grabbed the doorknob he felt someone tap him on the shoulder.


"JESUS CHRIST!" Justin yelled as he turned around. He grabbed his chest to keep his heart from jumping out of it just as his towel fell off. This made for quite an interesting scene when Daphne walked into the hallway: Justin standing butt-ass naked, holding his chest with Keith trying desperately to stifle a laugh.


Daphne walked over and put one arm around each man in the hallway and then leaned over and whispered to Justin, "It would be a waste of time for you to try and convert him babe…" Justin opened his mouth to try and explain but Daphne just "shh'd" him, gave him a peck on the cheek and then grabbed Keith's hand and walked into the living room - the two of them laughing to the point of tears. 20 minutes later the three of them left for the Inner Sanctum.

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Brian was sitting on his sofa sipping a glass of Jim Beam. Again he was captivated as the fluid swirled in his glass. He was sitting there reliving the last few weeks and had discovered a common thread… more often than not he found himself concentrating so he would come faster. That way he could get back out to the bar and get another drink. He wondered to himself when he had started to look forward to drinking more than he looked forward to a good blowjob. He never verbalized an answer - he didn't need to. All he could do was look at his phone and cuss at himself. He took a deep breath, picked up the phone and started dialing Justin's number.


The phone rang several times before the answering machine picked up and started playing. "This is Justin. I'm sorry I can answer the phone right now. Leave your name and number and I will call you back as soon as I can." Brian opened his mouth to say something a couple times only to realize he wasn't sure what to say. His first instinct was to apologize yet again for the phone call the other day, but he had already apologized to Justin's answering machine twice for that episode (and at least twice to Justin himself during the call). He had to draw the line somewhere and Brian decided four apologies in one week was enough.


"I guess you are too busy fucking one of your many admirers to ever return a fucking phone call!" was right on the tip of Brian's tongue. Luckily he was able to stop himself before he said it. He made a mental note at that point to NOT be drinking Jim Beam whenever he was planning to talk to Justin in the future - if he would ever get the chance to talk to him again, of course. He was jerked out of his train of thought when he heard the answering machine click and then go to a dial tone. "Well fuck - that was certainly productive," Brian mumbled to himself as he hung up the phone. He debated calling back and actually leaving a message, but he didn't want to risk saying something else he would regret so he decided to wait and let his mind clear a little.

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Once they got to the Inner Sanctum and he was able to see that Keith was cool with being there, Justin relaxed a good bit. He never tried to go out of his way to make people uncomfortable around him - well, except for that "Pink Posse" fiasco - however, over the last couple days he had managed to make a couple comments that would make most straight people blush - or worse. Then dropping his towel in the hall this afternoon certainly didn't help matters. He was just grateful that neither Keith nor Daphne were offended. He didn't expect that Daphne would be anyway. She knew Justin would never try to break up someone's relationship. Even if he would do something like that, not only was Daphne his best friend, she was also a girl so that obviously meant Keith was straight. Those facts alone would doom that concept from the start.


"I told you this place would be cool!" Daphne yelled to Keith. He was standing right next to her, but with the music blaring she had to yell in order for Keith to hear her. That clenched things in Justin's mind - Daphne had obviously prepared Keith for this visit and for the possibility of going to a gay bar beforehand. He smiled to himself and then leaned over and kissed Daphne on the cheek.


"What was that for?" she asked him with a smile.


"It was just a small thank you for always being here for me - even when I don't realize how much I need you in my corner," he leaned in and replied.


"Well," she said as she kissed his cheek in return, "you are very welcome!"


One of their favorite songs came on and the three of them hit the dance floor. Daphne was the only woman there, but luckily the men didn't seem to have a problem with her. They had been dancing and drinking for hours and having a fantastic time when Daphne decided they needed to find someone to join their party as a fourth. Justin told her not to waste her time. They were having a great time just the way they were, but he also knew that she knew he missed dancing with someone one on one. Justin laughed as he watched Keith pointing at a few guys and then looking at Daphne for her approval. Each time she wrinkled her nose and shook her head - apparently not impressed with any of his selections.


All of a sudden Justin saw Keith's expression change - like he had realized he had found the perfect guy for Justin to dance with. Daphne and Justin both followed Keith's gaze and simultaneously both of them felt their stomachs hit the floor. Leaning against the bar was one of the most beautiful men alive. Tall… thin… short dark hair… if Brian ever needed a stunt double, this guy could have been a perfect choice.


Instantly Keith could feel the atmosphere change in the room and not for the better. He followed Daphne's gaze back to Justin. All of the color had left his face and his eyes would dart from the guy Keith had pointed out to anywhere else in the room and then back to the guy again. Then Justin started fidgeting and then looked at Daphne and said, "I'm getting tired - you guys can stay if you want, but I am going to go home."


"Wait! Justin, don't let Brian ruin our good time!" Daphne pleaded.


"Justin, I'm real sorry if I did something wrong man," Keith said.


"Don't be silly Keith. That man is gorgeous - any guy would be thrilled to have him," Justin said. He then looked over at Daphne, "And I'm not letting Brian ruin our good time. I have had a great time tonight. I am just getting tired." He kissed Daphne on the cheek and patted Keith on the shoulder before heading for the door.


"Damn, Daphne, I didn't mean to fuck things up tonight," Keith said.


"I know you didn't babe," Daphne said as they walked towards the door. "Justin would have seen him eventually and all of the same things would have happened."


They caught up with Justin as he was leaving and the three of them walked back to Justin's apartment together. When they got back to the apartment the answering machine was blinking. Justin hit the play button to listen to the message. They listened to a minute's worth of recorded silence before the machine cut off.


"Now that is one dedicated prank caller," Keith said, trying to lighten the mood.


"It was Brian," Justin said as he hit the delete button.


"How can you tell?" Daphne asked.


"We had an argument the other day. He has already called twice this week and left a message apologizing," Justin explained.


"So what does that have to do with a blank message?" Daphne asked - still very confused.


Justin continued his explanation, "I have not called him back yet and he refuses to apologize to a machine more than twice. Since I was not here, this was basically his way of letting me know that he called to see if I was ready to forgive him without having to apologize yet again to the machine." Justin rolled his eyes as everyone did when talking about the way Brian would go out of his way to act anything other than normal.


"I am not going to let this night end on a negative note," Justin said with a determination he had not felt in ages. He walked into the kitchen area and came back with a bottle of tequila, the salt shaker, a couple limes and three shot glasses. An hour later none of them were feeling any pain.


"So what are you going to do when you become rich and famous?" Keith asked, laughing at himself because he sounded like he was conducting an interview.


"My first order of business will be to forget all of the little people." Justin said and they all started laughing. They laughed and joked until they had finished off the bottle.


All of a sudden the phone began to ring again. Justin could only think of one person who would be calling at this time of night. "Why don't the two of you take my room for the night," Justin offered. "I'm just going to grab the phone and then crash on the sofa." With that Keith and Daphne said good night and headed towards his room.


"Hello." Justin said as he picked up the phone. Brian had not really expected Justin to be home so when he heard him answer the phone he was not sure what to say.


"Hello?" Justin repeated. He waited about 30 seconds before speaking again, "Brian, this is not the answering machine - it's really me - so unless you want me to hang up - you need to start talking…"


All of a sudden Brian seemed to find his voice, "Sorry Justin, I didn't expect you to be home - you caught me off guard… Did you get my messages?" he asked.


"Yes I did," Justin said. "I haven't had a chance to call you back as of yet. Daphne and her boyfriend are here visiting and I have been taking them out sightseeing a lot."

"I'm glad our argument hasn't ruined your visit," Brian said, although he wasn't sure that was entirely true.


"I've not allowed myself to dwell on it," Justin explained. "If I had - things might be different. But I knew there was no way I was going to change your mind if that was how you really felt so I didn't see any reason to let it bring me down when I wanted to show Daphne and Keith a nice time."


Brian sighed; Justin was going to make him work for this… "Justin, I started apologizing as soon as I heard the words come out of my mouth! I don't even know why I said it." He paused and took a deep breath. "That's not entirely true. When I asked who would be calling you and talking like that I meant it as a joke… I know it didn't come off that way, but that was how I meant it. When I heard your response it just pissed me off. I know, I know - who am I to expect you to be celibate… in fact - I DON'T expect it at all… I have always loved watching you fuck some other guy because I knew that guy was going to leave and I would be fucking you for the rest of the night."


The part of him that was "Brian Fucking Kinney" was telling his mouth to stop before he ruined his reputation. However, the part of him that knew how much Justin meant to him also knew that his bullshit never got him anywhere with Justin and he was better off just coming clean. "Do you remember when you were staying with me after that bastard attacked you?" He asked, but did not wait for an answer, "More specifically, do you remember when you went back to Debbie's house that one night after walking in and finding me fucking the zucchini guy on the couch?"


The look on Justin's face was of utter confusion. He had no idea where Brian was going with this line of thought, but he imagined the ride would be memorable… "Yes, I remember that time." He said - trying desperately to figure out what was going through Brian's mind.


"Do you remember when I found you later on that evening at Babylon and explained that regardless of what I was doing throughout the evening - no matter what, I wanted to come home to you at the end of the night?" Brian had never forgotten that night; it was the closest he had EVER come to admitting he had feelings for someone in his life…


Justin felt a small smile creep onto his face. He remembered that night fondly. He knew it would be considered a small step to some people, but anyone that knew Brian knew that was a huge step for him. They had gone home that night and fucked for hours before going to sleep; and when Justin had finally drifted off to sleep, he had done so with a smile on his face - a smile very similar to the one he was sporting now…


Justin's voice was barely above a whisper as he answered Brian while the memory played in his mind, "Yes Brian, I remember…"


"At that point everything was ok because we were always together before the night was over; but we aren't together now and it just bothered me to think of you curled up next to someone else. Before I knew what I was doing I started saying all that nasty shit." a section of his brain had no idea what he was doing… it cringed more with every word… the other part of his brain knew that what he was saying was the truth and was going to take complete advantage of the opportunity to say these things.


It was Justin's turn to be silent. Brian's confession had thrown him off completely. He was prepared for one lame excuse after another; but he was definitely not expecting the truth!


Justin was not sure what to say… "I didn't know you felt that way, Brian. In fact, I refused to even think that way anymore after I heard that you decided to rebuild Babylon. I just figured that your life went back to normal and that was why you stopped calling…"


"Justin… what I considered normal 6 years ago and what I consider normal now is very different…" Brian said.


Blame it on the alcohol, but Justin was missing something. "Why? What has changed?" he asked.


Brian looked at the phone wondering where Justin had left his brain… "What has changed?" he asked. "Well - let's see… I guess the biggest change is that…" Brian paused here trying to find the right words… He started to say something a couple of times and stopped himself - trying to think of the best way to put it…


"Fuck!" Brian said as he gave in and decided to just say what was on his mind - and wait for the chips to fall…


"The difference is that I come home every night to an empty loft… I shower alone… I take some faceless guy in the back room of Babylon MAYBE once a week instead of once a night… when we are back there, all I can think of is getting off as fast as possible so I can go get a fucking drink… when I get bored drinking, I go home - once again - to an empty loft… I crawl into my empty bed and look over at your side of the bed and wonder why the fuck I let you leave in the first place without putting up some type of fight!"


As he realized what he had just said, Brian panicked. He had promised himself he would never let Justin know how he truly felt about his leaving. He didn't want Justin to ever doubt the choices he had made or those that he would be making… Before Justin could say anything in response - Brian hung up the phone…