Finding Fatherhood

Chapter Three

Lex shuddered, glad to be clean. He'd just taken part in digging the grave of his child's mother. She looked stoic and... he couldn't be there when they put her in the ground, as her body descended he walked away, looking over to where Trudy stood, holding his daughter and staring at the grave with painful sympathy. He longed to go over and hold Angela, just a day old. But he was covered in the earth that had claimed her mother, and he didn't want to touch her with that.

They were a solemn parade as they came back to the Mall. Amber had spoken over the grave; Trudy, Jay, Ellie, and Jack simply stood for support. Gel stayed to the side, looking slightly remorseful at her envious and terrible behavior, Sammy at her side.

Ebony, if she'd been back from Liberty, wouldn't have come, and May hadn't returned either. Thankfully, Salene offered to watch Bray and Brady, both too young, and yet too aware to attend a funeral. No one wanted to expose them to death. But little, oblivious Angela had been there, swathed in warm blankets and resting in Trudy's arms, she hadn't yet opened her eyes, and she'd already lost her mother.

Lex shook away the heavy thoughts and pulled on a clean shirt, going to find his daughter. He found her in café, still with Trudy.
She looked at the little girl, pain sharp in her heart. Angela would never know Clara, just as Brady never knew her father. Two children growing up and lacking the love of a missing parent. She sighed miserably; feeling so connected to the baby she'd delivered as she stoked Angela's downy, wispy hair.

"Is she asleep?" Lex asked, breaking her thought.

"Yes," Trudy answered with a soft smile. "She'll be sleeping a lot."

Lex nodded and stepped forward almost uneasily. He said nothing, but Trudy understood.
"Would you like to hold her?"

He nodded and she carefully stood as he took a seat. She settled the tiny baby in his arms, making sure that he was holding her correctly. He'd done well, especially since he'd only begun yesterday.

"Where is everyone?"

"Oh, around," Trudy answered, sitting down again. "Jay and Amber are with Bray and Brady, they took a clue from Angela and are napping, at least for now."

She sat, watching Lex. He didn't seem to mind, in fact he felt comforted that someone with experience was there. After long minutes, he finally looked at Trudy.

"Did she eat?"

"Yes. We're lucky Amber is still breast-feeding, I don't think the baby formula is good anymore. She pumped some earlier, it's in the refrigerator."

Trudy smiled faintly at how well Lex was doing and stood, intending to go. She was about to step away when she heard his faint, faltering voice.

"What am I going to do?"

She stalled, looking at him a moment before she touched his shoulder lightly. "It's okay, Lex. We'll help you."

He nodded, but he didn't believe it, he couldn't see the better side of much right now.

"I'm going to check on, Brady," she added softly. "I'll come back when it's time for Angela to eat."

He nodded again slightly, and she slipped away with slumped shoulders.

Lex looked down at his daughter. She defiantly had his hair; Clara's hair was naturally blonde and had slight waves when it wasn't beaten down with cheap coloring products. Angela, it seemed, had taken after him and a completely opposite way. She was beautiful, and soft, and tiny as she nestled in his arms and he whispered to her softly.

"I don't know what to do. Your mother is no longer here, so I'm going to have to learn to take care of you. Nobody ever took care of me, but I'm going to watch out for you. I hope I can be a good father to you. I'll do everything I can for you. I’ll do my best for you . . . that's the only thing I can promise you."

A few minutes later, Angela started to squirm and her lips started to move. "Oh boy, I guess you’re waking up and are starting to get hungry."

She started to cry.

"Okay, here hold on. I'll go warm your bottle, but there's no one to hold you while I do this so I guess I have to figure this out myself."

Lex walked over to the refrigerator and took out the bottle of milk that Amber gave him, put it in a pot of water on the stove and started to heat it. After a couple of minutes, he tested the bottle.

It wasn't easy hold an infant and trying to test a damn bottle.

He guessed it wasn't too hot and sat down to feed his little girl.

He sat back down to feed her and, as she drank her bottle, he just stared at her. A month ago he couldn't imagine himself as a father, let alone a single father. He thought about her mother. To be honest he wasn't even sure that if she had lived she would have chosen to stay. Clara had a way of thinking about only herself and what she wanted to do. But then again, he had been like that himself. But now he couldn't think of himself with out his little girl, the second she was born it occurred to him that she was the only thing he contributed to in a positive way. Now she depended on him and he wasn't going to let her down the way his family had. He was determined to make sure that she knew that she was loved.

After all, she was his daughter.

"I love you Angela. I don't want you to ever forget that."

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.

"How are you this morning?" Lex asked his daughter as she writhed around on the mat. She was a just over a six weeks old today, and she seemed more active than a newborn should be - to him anyway. She was always moving when she was awake, squirming and making all sorts of noises.

Every one of those noises made him beam with pride.

He went to pull away her nappy and stopped at the unpleasant smell. "Angela. Again?"

She gurgled, perhaps not to answer his question, but he took it as a response.

"Yes. Not good," he told her. "Not fun."

He screwed his face up and prepared to change her. He hadn't done this much, Amber, Salene, or Trudy were usually around to field this aspect of child rearing, but ever since Salene took him aside and gently suggested that perhaps she should raise the baby he hadn't wanted her near Angela. No one was going to take his daughter away.

"Good morning," Trudy said, looking in the open door of Lex's bedroom.

"Grand timing, do you want to help me out here?"

Trudy laughed lightly and entered the room with Brady in her arms, before setting her on Lex's bed. "Aren't you used to this yet?"

"You mean you ARE?" he asked in distaste, moving aside so she could reach Angela.

"Brady wasn't born potty trained. Brady still isn't potty trained," she added with a sigh. Lex looked over to the little girl with her blonde curls.

"Hi, Brady."

"Hi, Brady," she repeated as she crawled across the bed to play with some of the rattles that lay there.

Lex looked back to his daughter, finishing up her diapering with some slight jerks of her arms and legs. He was thankful Trudy was around. Though Amber had a baby, Trudy was the one that was teaching her what to expect. She was teaching him now. Trudy was the most consistent friend he had - yes; she had truly become his friend. She was always there - None of the guys helped, and Lex felt like his sexist attitude in the past smacked him in the face.

Now he'd shied away from Salene and Amber was preoccupied with Brady and Jay, even Ellie tired of helping out, and Gel had never helped. She always seemed to avoid the baby, and crinkle her nose up whenever it got near her. Trudy, though, was there. Always offering to lend him a hand, even waking up every once in a while when she heard Angela crying. She seemed to be very fond of his daughter, cooing over her just as she did Brady.

"All done," she told Angela. "I think it's time to get dressed. Daddy, would you?"

Lex smiled and stepped forward, reaching for the tiny pink clothes. He wondered if Angela would ask him, when she got older, if she looked like her mother. "Trudy? Who do you think she looks like?"

Trudy fixed her eyes on Angela, even as she easily plucked Brady up before she could grab as small lamp on Lex's beside. He only hoped he developed that ease. Trudy tilted her head, glancing at Lex, then Angela.

"She has your hair, and maybe your lips, but her nose..."

"Is Clara's," Lex finished.

"It certainly seems to be. She's a very pretty baby, Lex."

He shook away the sadness that began to settle and brought his attention back. He looked over and tapped Brady's cheek. "You didn't do so bad yourself, Trudy."

"Thank you," she smiled. "She is adorable."

"Ador-ble," Brady uttered.

"She's getting along well," he nodded as he tried to gently put on Angela's tiny shoes.

"Yep," Trudy said with an encouraging bounce, making Brady squeal. "Ready to eat?"

"Eat," Brady nodded as Lex tried to concentrate. Reaching out, Trudy put a hand on Lex's arm.

"I'm sure her socks will be fine for now." He looked over and the expression of defeat made her chuckle. "Come on."

His face changed to annoyance at her laughter, but he picked up his daughter and followed anyway.

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.

They entered the café to see Jay and Amber were talking. Jack stood against the counter, eating, and Salene seemed sheepish when Lex looked her way with a clearly unfavorable expression. Trudy settled Brady down in a booster seat and retrieved some fruit from the refrigerator that had already been sliced. She couldn't say many nice things for the Technos, but she would admit the electricity and water were a definite upside to their reign.

Brady reached for the food automatically and Lex called to her. "Trudy? Could you hold Angela while I fix her bottle?"

"Of course," she answered with a sweet tone to the baby. "As long as the diaper is empty."

She cooed over the child as she took a seat beside Brady who immediately announced, "Baby."

"Yes, baby. You remember who this is. Angela. Can you say Angela?"

"Lex," Brady announced.

"Close enough," Trudy smiled, looking up at Lex who looked back as he prepared the bottle. Brady returned to her meal as Lex came over, retrieving Angela and setting down to feed her.

"So how is fatherhood coming along?" Jay asked.

"I could ask you the same," Lex answered, nodding to Bray in Amber's arms. Jay smiled slightly.

"Just fine," Jay answered. Trudy looked away, back to her daughter as she ignored the happy look on Jay's face. The idea that *they* could have been that happy seemed bitter and yet believable.

"I could do without the middle of the night wake-ups," he said, looking down to Angela's small hands gently patting the bottle, her eyes were blue as they opened lazily. He didn't know if they would stay that way, but she seemed to have the shape of Clara's.

"Tell me about it," Amber complained. "At least you only grab a bottle."

Lex smirked a little. "Yeah."

May came behind them with a clatter, charging up the steps. She met the top step with a slight wave and headed directly to the table, reaching for an apple and sinking her teeth into it as her stomach growled.

"Hello to you, too," Amber said, turning her attention back to Bray who had begun to nurse.

"I'm just tired, a return trip from Liberty isn't a little stroll," she answered. "I had to get out of there, it was getting rowdy, and I stick to my rules-"

"Start trouble and run?" Lex asked. May turned to glare at him briefly before looking back.
"Who's the kid? Were one of you pregnant?" she asked Trudy and Amber. Each shook their head before Lex spoke up.
"She's mine."

May smile at the bit of information. "From who? One of those unfortunate masses came back to drop it off?"

It was only a joke, but no one responded. Finally Lex cleared his throat; "You could say that."

"She's really yours? And you're keeping it?" she asked with a disbelieving expression.

"Why wouldn't I?" he asked, offended. "You don't think I can do it?"

"Calm down!" she said defensively. "Get used to that reaction, Lex. You're going to get it a lot."

When he shot her a look she almost laughed - his glare didn't hold as much power as it once did when he was shifting a baby and gently patting it's back.

"What's going on in Liberty?" Amber interrupted, always on top of things.

"Everyone's fighting, I didn't stick around to find out why."

"And Ebony?"

"Still there. I don't know her game, but it isn't smart. The place was progressing into a riot!"

"Maybe we should try to find out something," Amber said with concern.

"No," Jay answered, almost uneasy. "I'm sure it's fine."

No one agreed.

*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*

I know, I know. I've been neglecting my story. But sometime life just gets in the way. Also I have other ideas for stories swimming around. I just hope that one day I can get them on to paper... or the computer for that matter. Got to go, have to take my kid to the doctor. Bye. Hope you liked my new part though.