Bitter Enemies

Title: The Ultimate Betrayal
Series: Bitter Enemies (Part III)
Author: Darkestangel
Summary: Sheppard attempts to recover from Kolya’s cruelty, while bonding with McKay
Author’s Website: Darkness Prevails (http://home.bellsouth.net/p/s/community.dll?ep=16&groupid=137913&ck=)
Comments: angela9in@ureach.com
Archive: yes to pegasusgate.net, Area 52, and all others with permission
Warnings: language, talk of non-con situations, angst
Pairing: Sheppard/McKay (leading up to intimacy but no actual sex in this part)
Rating: R
Disclaimer: They’re not mine. I am only borrowing them from the brilliant creators of the show, MGM, and the Sci-Fi Channel.
Author’s Notes:
1. This is the third story of “Bitter Enemies” (http:www.geocities.com/angela9in/bitterenemiesoct2004.txt.htm). You will need to read the first two stories for this story to make sense. Part II, The Healing Begins, can be found here (http://www.geocities.com/angela9in/BitterEnemiesPART2.txt.htm)
2. Also, I write mostly non-con stories, but this is my first attempt at writing an aftermath story. I have had an overwhelming response for an aftermath to Bitter Enemies, so I hope you enjoy it.
3. There is no sex in this part of the series because I don’t believe that a rape victim would be willing to engage in sexual activities for a long period of time. The John/Rodney relationship will heat up in the last part of the series.
4. I wrote Bitter Enemies before “The Eye” aired in Canada, so for those of you who have seen the new episode, you will just have to ignore the fact that Kolya is alive and returning later on in the season.
5. The Reawakening(http://www.geocities.com/angela9in/TheReawakiningAug2004.txt.htm) discusses the conversation between Steve and John on Atlantis. You might find this story useful since it discusses the Wraith intentions towards Sheppard.


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Day Six Atlantis:


Six days. Six long miserable days since that bastard had violated John, and Rodney had not seen or talked to Sheppard yet. He had promised Carson that he would wait until he was given permission before visiting John, but his patience was running out. The last six days had been filled with boredom, anxiety, and fitful dreams. His mind was full of images of Kolya taking what was rightfully his, or at least what he had hoped to make his own. The look of pain and humiliation on John’s face as he was penetrated seared itself into his optic nerve. No matter where he was or what he was doing, the agonizing image would just pop into his head, and he couldn’t get it out of there. He had expected to have more dreams about killing Kolya, but they were few and far between. Even his subconscious mind didn’t feel guilty about killing the rapist.


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Six days. Six long boring days since the Major had been grounded, and Ford was full of confusion. He knew that Sheppard had been interrogated by the Genii, but he hadn’t seen any physical evidence that the Major needed to be grounded. Carson had refused to tell him any information on his commanding officer, except for the fact that he had received injuries during his short incarceration. He knew that the Major couldn’t be that hurt if he flew the Puddle Jumper home. What was he not being told? Weir and McKay knew the truth. He could tell by the way they reacted to his questioning, but they also refused to dwell into details about the Major’s injuries. He felt like the kid in a room full of adults who didn’t think he could handle the truth, and he resented it deeply. The only person he figured he could get the truth from was in isolation in his quarters, and he doubted he would see the Major anytime soon.


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Six days. Six long gut-wrenching days since Carson started treatment on the Major. The man was healing well, and there had been no abnormalities or STDs found in the Major’s blood or Kolya’s semen, but it hadn’t been easy watching the man being tormented by his inner demons; waking up suddenly from nightmares that reenacted his violation. Sheppard had been an excellent patient following all orders and excepting medication, but he had refused to talk about the incident, and he did not allow anyone else into his quarters besides Carson. He was tired of fending off Ford and Teyla from the truth, and it was dreadful each time he had to tell Rodney that the Major hadn’t asked for him today. He didn’t know how much longer he could stand to see Rodney in so much pain. The rejection had already begun to take its toll on McKay, and the look of rebuff on his face was just too much for Carson to take. He understood why the Major didn’t want to see McKay, but he couldn’t help but to feel sorry for the man. He wanted nothing more for Sheppard to recover quickly from his ordeal, but he suspected that as long as he refused to acknowledge what Rodney witnessed and did in Kolya’s office, then Sheppard’s recovery would be slow and emotionally painful.


***************************************************


Six days. Six long terror-filled days since Elizabeth had been forced to accept the Major’s grounding. Her head of military and defense was locked up tight in his quarters refusing to talk to anyone about what happened to him or to Kolya. Rodney wouldn’t tell her anything except that he had killed the man in self-defense, and Ford and Teyla didn’t seem to know anything about what had happened to the Major. She had put Ford and Bates in charge of producing a “what if Cowen retaliates” plan, and all off-world missions had been suspended for the time being. The gate shield was lowered for no reason at all, and all GDO’s had been taken away from the Athosians; except for Teyla. She worried about Cowen’s plans for revenge, but she worried more about John’s recovery and the long-term effects his recuperation would have on Atlantis and Rodney.


***************************************************


Six days. Six long tedious days since Teyla had spoken or seen the Major. She had spent most of the time flying back and forth to the mainland explaining to her people that they would no longer be given GDO’s on off-world missions. The Athosians felt untrustworthy and hurt when they were asked to surrender their gate codes, but they understood Dr. Weir’s motivation. Atlantis had been attacked because of their weakness, not the Earthlings. They had caused the near destruction of the only place in the galaxy that could possible hold off a Wraith invasion. They had caused Major Sheppard to be taken prisoner, and it was their fault that he was still recovering from his injuries. Teyla had not been able to give her people details on Sheppard’s injuries because she knew not the cause of his grounding or his self-isolation. She only knew that her commanding officer was in pain, and she suspected that is wasn’t all physical. She could see the concern in McKay’s eyes when she asked of his progress. She could tell that there was more going on then what she or Ford was being told. She only hoped that the situation would be resolved before the Genii, or even worse the Wraith, decided to attack.


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Six days. Six long pain-filled days since John and been raped, and he felt worse with each passing day. Sitting in his quarters alone had given him too much time to analyze the events and too much time to feel sorry for himself. His days were spent sleeping, which he did at least twelve hours per day, showering, which he took several daily whenever he felt dirty, and thinking, which was driving him crazy. He tried to escape the memories of the assault with medicine-induced sleep, but the nightmares never left him alone. His mind kept reliving the events over and over again. He could remember every word said, every smell, every touch, every ounce of pain, every detail on Kolya’s face, Rodney’s look of disgust when he walked in on them, and Kolya’s bloody chest as McKay stood over him. The nightmares of the rape were bad enough, but the ones where Kolya was replaced with a Wraith were even more terrifying. Those dreams would send him into screaming fits, which Carson periodically interrupted. His subconscious mind was frightened that the Wraith would violate him as well. “Steve” had hinted at the possibility, and now he was petrified that it might come true.

His waking hours were not any better. He spent the time analyzing the “what ifs” and the “only if I had done this” scenarios. He knew he was to blame for the Genii attack and the pending Wraith invasion. He knew that it was his own fault that he was raped by Kolya. He had after all killed several of his men, and he had caused Kolya’s plans to lay siege to Atlantis to fail. It was also his fault that Rodney McKay had killed an unarmed man, and he wasn’t sure that he could live with the guilt. He knew that killing someone wasn’t easy; especially if you did it in vengeful cold-blood. He knew that Rodney would always have to live with that fact, and he wasn’t sure that he could accept the fact that it was his fault the brilliant scientist had murdered another human-being. He wanted to see Rodney and to make sure that he was okay, but he couldn’t deal with the looks of pity and disgust that Rodney would give him in return. He knew that the only chance he had of recovery was to talk to someone about what had happened and about what he felt, but he just couldn’t manage enough courage to invite them into his self-loathing, guilt-stricken isolation.


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Day Ten John’s Quarters:

“Why can’t he come and see you Major?”

“Carson, I’ve already told you that I don’t want to talk to anyone else right now, especially McKay!”

“Major, we’ve already discussed this. You have to start letting other people into your life again. I’m tired of telling Rodney that he can’t come and see you. Stop being such a selfish prick and talk to him. He’s hurting too you know. You weren’t the only one impacted by the unfortunate events.”

“Unfortunate events? Is that all they are to you? Unfortunate?”

“You know what I mean John. It’s eating him up inside. He wants to see you, to know that you’re getting better, not worse.”

“Well, of course I’m getting better. It’s been nearly two weeks.”

“Are you getting better? Because where I’m standing, you’re physically better, but you’re an emotional wreck.”

“I’ve seen better days Carson, but I am getting stronger. I am not a wreck!”

“Well, if you think that I am going to release you for active duty in the next couple of days than you are dead wrong. I wouldn’t trust you to make the right decisions at the moment. Your nerves are frazzled and you are not thinking correctly.”

“How the fuck do you know what I’m thinking? And where the hell do you get off telling me that I’m not fit to command? I’ve done everything you’ve asked of me.”

“Everything except talk to someone about what you’re feeling. Don’t forget that it has been me who has been taking care of you these last ten days, and don’t forget that I am the one who has woken you up from your nightmares on a daily basis. I know what you’re thinking, and it’s not healthy.”

John pleaded with Beckett, “Carson, please don’t keep me grounded. I know that flying would help me to keep my mind off of things, and going on a mission would be healthy for me as well.”

“Major, let’s say you’re right, and I give you the thumbs up to go off-world. What happens when you see Rodney for the first time? Will you be able to stay focused on the mission?”

“Of course I will be able to. I’m trained military remember?”

“So…being trained military would allow you to work side by side with the man who witnessed your assault and killed your attacker?”

John didn’t answer, so Carson continued, “And what if, God forbid, you were captured and incarcerated. Do you think you could handle being confined again and have no backlash of memories of Kolya’s attack? Do you honestly think that you could handle that type of situation the same way you did before you were raped?”

John remained quiet staring at the floor, trying to avoid the doctor’s glare, “That is why you are not ready for active duty Major. You have not even begun dealing with what happened to you, and until you can show me that you are making an effort to talk to someone, preferably Rodney, about what you are going through, then I have no choice but to keep you confined to Atlantis.”

“Fine, send in Rodney,” John frustratingly requested.

“No. Not if you’re going to treat him like dirt. He doesn’t deserve your hostility. I’ve put up with it because I’m your doctor and your friend, but he doesn’t have to put up with it.”

“I’ll be civil to him. Just tell him not to expect too much the first time. I’ve been dreading this meeting for days, and I can’t promise that I’m going to be cool with his presence.”

“I’ll tell him, but you have to promise me that you’ll make an effort. He feels rejected by you already, and I don’t want you making him feel more so.”

“I promise. Tell him to give me a couple of hours. I just want to take a shower and clean up the place a bit.”

“I’ll let him know,” Carson commented watching Sheppard going into the bathroom for yet another shower. He knew that John took frequent showers in an attempt to scrub Kolya off of his skin, but he sure as hell was happy that they weren’t back on Earth, because he would hate to see the Major’s water and power bill. He was sure that the man used more hot water in one day than the entire SGC did in a week. He was suddenly grateful that Atlantis was located on a world that was mostly water, and he hoped that the Major didn’t drown in his own sorrow and insecurities.


************************************************


Rodney nervously waited outside John’s quarters trying to pull his self together. When Carson gave the good news a couple of hours earlier, Rodney had been excited to see the Major, but now his excitement had been replaced with anxiety. He worried that the events that took place on the Genii planet would destroy his friendship with John. He wasn’t sure what to expect on the other side of the door. Would John be calm and act as if nothing had happened, would he be cold and hostile, or would he be quiet and timid? There were too many uncertainties surrounding their first meeting in nearly two weeks, and Rodney seriously thought about not going into John’s self-imposed isolation, but his feelings of love and respect towards John would not allow him to abandon his friend.

John looked up when the door chimed, alerting him that Rodney had arrived, “Come in Rodney.”

The door swooshed open revealing a man who John almost didn’t recognize. The tubby figure looked leaner and the eyes had dark circles surrounding them, “Damn Rodney, you look worse than me.”

Rodney smiled, “Thank you John. I’ve so missed your insults.”

“Are you eating at all? You look like you’ve lost some weight. Have they run out of Twinkies and coffee?”

Rodney knew that John’s insults and humor was an attempt to make the situation less awkward, “Yes, that’s exactly what has happened, and all of the scientist are going to be forced to resort to cannibalism; starting with the military members of the expedition.”

“I’m flattered. You would want to eat me?”

Rodney tried to hide the small shudder of pleasure that the image of “eating” Sheppard conjured, “You don’t have a lot of meat on you, so you would be an appetizer.”

Sheppard chuckled at the familiar ‘you’re too skinny’ insult, “Well, you must be on the John Sheppard diet, because you seriously look like you’ve lost some weight.”

“The John Sheppard diet? Let’s see, that diet would likely consist of one meal a day, preferably a Turkey sandwich on wheat, one cup of coffee, and the occasional snack of Popcorn. Somehow, I don’t think that your diet would be FDA or Doctor approved. I know that Carson has never approved of your eating habits.”

The mention of Carson brought John back to the real issue, “Well, my diet has actually gotten better over the last two weeks; even though it’s mostly liquid rations I’m eating.”

John sat down on the bed, while Rodney took a seat in a chair by the bed that Carson obviously used when he was observing his patient, “Well, you don’t look like you’ve lost any weight John. You actually look pretty good considering. I can tell that you haven’t slept much, but neither have I. I’ve been so worried about you, and everyday I waited for Carson to tell me that you had asked for me, and everyday he told me you didn’t want to see anyone; especially me.”

“Rodney, I’m not rejecting you or your friendship. I just feel very uncomfortable talking to you because of what you saw and what you did because of me…”

Rodney interrupted, “Don’t you dare blame yourself for what I did to that bastard. He deserved what he got, and I don’t regret my actions.”

John studied McKay’s face for hidden emotions, “How can you not regret taking another human life? He was unarmed.”

“Was he? You told me to not go near him because you figured he had a weapon, so as far as I’m concerned, you were right, and he would have killed me the second he had a chance. I have no doubt that he could have killed me with his bare hands if I had given him the opportunity, and he would have made you suffer even more, so no, I don’t feel any regrets about what I did.”

John contemplated Rodney’s words, “You’re probably right Rodney. He would have killed you for interrupting his fun. I just hate that you got blood on your hands for me. I’ve tried to protect you over the last few months and keep you away from death and pain. I admit that I haven’t done a very good job at it, but I have tried to let you be the scientist. I’ve never wanted you to be a soldier. That’s not what you’re meant to be.”

“You’re right John. I’m meant to be a condescending know-it-all scientist, but sometimes even geeks have to be soldiers. You’ve taught me how to survive on my own if I had to, you’ve taught me how to protect myself, and you’ve taught me how to call upon courage that I never knew I had, and I am grateful to you for that. Please don’t feel responsible for what I did. I made the choice, and I’m the one who has to live it. You have other things to be worried about.”

John quietly accepted Rodney’s argument, but he knew that there was more to discuss. “Okay…Let’s say that I accept that you’re cool with what you did, it still doesn’t resolve the impact of what you saw in that room. I can’t get that look of disgust on your face out of my head. You looked like you were going to puke up your lunch, and I have to…”

“John, I wasn’t disgusted with you! I was sickened by him, and what I saw him doing to you. John, you have to realize what I saw and heard when I walked into that room. I heard him talking about how pretty you bruise, and then I saw your arms pinned underneath your body, and I saw that sadistic smile on his face, and I knew at that moment that I was going to stop him from hurting you again, but when he pulled himself out of your body, and I saw your blood on him, something snapped in my head. I knew at that moment that I was going to kill him. I just needed an excuse, and his taunts about you being a slut and a good fuck were good enough excuses for me.”

Rodney’s harsh description caused tears to pool in John’s eyes, but he managed to keep them at bay for the moment, “I’m afraid that every time I look at you I’m going to be reminded of that day. I don’t know if I will ever be able to get over what happened to me if I continue to work with you. I hate myself for feeling so weak and out of control, but I just don’t know if I can handle being near you ever again.”

It was Rodney’s turn to feel the wetness pooling in his eyes, “John, please don’t reject me. I couldn’t handle losing your friendship. You mean too much to me. Why don’t you try to talk to me about what you’re feeling, and maybe getting it off your chest will help you to cope with what I saw and did.”

“What I feel? I feel terrified that it could happen to me again. I always knew that things like this happened to other people, but I never expected it to happen to me, and now that it has, I feel more vulnerable than I’ve ever felt before. I’m like a child who has lost their innocence. I’ve seen what human nature is capable of, and now I worry that I’m not going to be capable of trusting other people again. I’m going to be paranoid of people’s intentions towards me, and I’m going to feel fragile and defenseless to other people’s attacks.”

Rodney nodded in understanding, “That’s perfectly logical. I’ve felt that way most of my life. I’ve always felt that people are out to get me and to stop me from achieving greatness.”

John softly laughed, “People are going to start calling you Fox Mulder if you don’t stop being so paranoid and unapproachable.”

“I never would have pegged you as an X-File fan. It seems a little over your head.”

“You know I’m a geek in military clothing, and no, that show was not over my head you arrogant prick!”

Rodney put up his hands in mock surrender. “Okay, okay. If I’m Fox Mulder then who would you be? You’re not exactly scientific enough to be Dana Scully, and you’re not bald enough to be Skinner.”

“Actually, I’m more like Captain Kirk, and you’re Spock.”

“And Carson is Dr. McCoy,” Rodney smiled finishing the inside joke they had shared in the past.

They shared a moment of silence, both contemplating how simple things had been before the Genii had attacked Atlantis. They both knew that things would never be the same again, “Rodney, do you know what I’m really afraid of?”

“It happening again?” Rodney confidently answered.

“Yeah, but not necessarily with another human.”

“What do you mean John?”

“I wake up at night screaming from nightmares that Carson wakes me up from, and they’re not dreams about Kolya as much as they are dreams about Steve.”

Rodney was flabbergasted, “Steve the Wraith?”

“I never told you what he said to me all those times I questioned him did I?”

“He told you something that would make you think that he wanted to violate you?”

“I think on some level I was already paranoid about the intentions of the Wraith towards me, but after Kolya, I’m even more concerned with their intent. Steve told me that Ancients were high commodities amongst the Wraith, and the fact that they had not eaten one in 10,000 years would make me that much more desired. He told me that they cold keep me alive for years sucking just a little life out of me each time they fed. He said that they were drawn to the life energy of the Ancients, which are more intense than other humans. He said that he knew that I was different from everyone else on Atlantis and that the Wraith would not stop hunting me down. He also said that my beauty would be a factor in what the Wraith would do to me if I were captured by one of them.”

Rodney tried to ignore the image that John’s beauty and a Wraith conjured, “So…the Wraith is drawn to your ATA gene more than anyone else here on Atlantis? They know that it was you who activated Teyla locket, and they know that it was you who awakened them and Atlantis?”

“Unfortunately, and Steve made it clear what he would do to me if he ever escaped his prison, and it wasn’t just dining on my life energy if you know what I mean, so now I’m even more paranoid that if he thought those types of thoughts about me, and Kolya obviously thought the same things about me, then what’s to stop another Wraith or human wanting the same things from me?”

Rodney shook his head in confusion, “I had no idea that you were giving off some vibe to the Wraith. I thought that they knew an Ancient by our technology usage, I didn’t realize that they could sense the ATA gene; although it makes since. Steve knew that guy we gave him to feed upon was sick before we handed him over to him, but he didn’t sense the poison in him. I’m not sure Steve was being honest with you. Maybe he was just trying to play games with you, make you fear him, or to feel helpless against him.”

“He told me that I was more like an Ancient than I realized. I explained to him that there were others who possessed the ATA gene, and that I was just a normal human who had a slight DNA discrepancy. He said that I had the potential of an Ancient, but I wasn’t given the prior knowledge on how to use that power.”

Rodney was beginning to feel the familiar tingling of excitement in his stomach, “Well, it’s true that your ATA gene is more active than the rest of us. Beckett and I are still unclear on why you have more control over it than the others. We don’t know if you have more of the gene, if you have a more powerful edition of the gene, or if your mind is just tapped more into the gene. You’re telling me that Steve believes that you have the power potential of a real Ancient, but you just don’t know how to use it yet…If this is true, we have got to start working with you and the city. There has to be things in Atlantis that you can operate, like the shield for instance. Could you imagine if Steve is right? You could single-handily save Atlantis from a Wraith attack. We have got to tell Elizabeth and Carson about this!”

John watched the scientist flush in enthusiasm over the news, “Rodney, if we tell Elizabeth about my supposed potential I’ll never get to go off-world again.”

“Of course you would John. You’re the military leader. You’ll have to go out and do that military thing that you do so well.”

“No I won’t. She won’t let me leave if she knows the risk I take every time I walk through that gate.”

Rodney disagreed, “Major, we all take a risk when we walk through the gate.”

“For someone so smart you aren’t thinking through this correctly. She has always feared me being hurt or killed, but she always knew that she had Beckett and other ATA gene people here to help with Atlantis. She doesn’t realize the real risk of letting me go through the gate. If Steve is right I am Atlantis’ only hope against a Wraith attack. She will never let me risk my life again if she knows the truth. She will keep me here experimenting with the Ancient Technology and the shield.”

“Maybe that’s not such a bad idea John. We do need a defense shield. We could let Ford or someone else head up our team for a while; just until you can figure out how to control the shield and other devices.”

John massaged his face with both hands in frustration, “If she made me stay here I would lose my mind. I have to get out of here and get on with my life. The only way that I am going to recover from this ordeal is to do what I love to do.”

“Which is what?”

“Fly,” John smiled, “and torment you.”

Rodney felt like a kid that had just been given the world’s largest ice cream cone, “So, you want to continue being around me? You still want me on your team?”

“It will take a while for me to get past what you witnessed and acted upon, but I can’t imagine any missions without you there to harass and tease. It’s what I live for you know?”

“You live to tease and aggravate me? That’s touching really.”

“What can I say? You’re too easy to get riled up, and you make me laugh, when you’re not pissing me off.”

Rodney shrugged, “Strangely enough, you’re not the first person who’s told me that, and I enjoy pissing you off as much as you piss me off.”

“All this talk about pissing is going to make me have to go to the bathroom,” John joked.

Rodney laughed at Sheppard’s joke grateful to see John smiling. His heart wanted to talk about his feelings, but his brain knew that the timing was wrong. He wanted to tell John about his recently discovered love for a certain Major on Atlantis who apparently possessed a powerful ATA gene. He wanted nothing more than to tell John about how much weight and sleep he had lost over the last ten days worrying about the before mentioned Major, and he wanted nothing more than to take this Major into his arms and make everything bad disappear, but instead he stayed silent waiting for the next topic of conversation.

“Rodney, I’m serious about not telling Weir about what Steve told me. She’s already over-protective; let’s not give her more ammunition.”

Rodney contemplated John’s request, “Okay, but in your spare time, I want you more dedicated to helping us discover the secrets of Atlantis. You need to start taking an active role in understanding how she operates and what she is capable of. Agreed?”

“Agreed, and thanks for coming here today. I do feel better talking to someone about how I feel. Beckett has been threatening to keep me grounded if I don’t start dealing with things and I think that today has been a good start.”

“I would be more than happy to come everyday, or better yet, I would love for you to come and see me in my lab or in the mess hall for a meal. You need to get out into the city and visit Ford and Teyla. No one knows about what happened to you except for me, Carson, and Elizabeth. As far as the rest are concerned, you were injured and have been recovering. I know that Ford would love to see you. He’s been driving me and Carson crazy asking about you.”

“I don’t know if I could handle his asking too many questions. He’s not as dumb as people think. He’s probably figured out that something strange is going on, and Teyla definitely will be able to tell that something is wrong with me.”

“So you’re going to stay in your quarters forever? How are you going to be able to fly if you don’t leave this room?”

“You are such a smart ass! I’m going to leave this hellhole eventually. I just need to be prepared to deal with Ford and Teyla. Part of me thinks that it would be easier to tell them the truth, while another part of me doesn’t want to deal with their pity.”

“I could tell them for you, and tell them not to ask any questions until you’re ready to discuss it with them. That way, all you’ll have to deal with is recuperating. No one else on Atlantis suspects a thing. It’s probably best that your team know about your experience anyway.”

“I know that you’re right, but it doesn’t make this any easier.”

“Let me do this for you John. You’ll be relieved when it’s done. They’ll feel better too. They probably won’t believe anything you tell them anyway. They saw you in the Puddle Jumper. They know that you were not physically incapacitated, at least not enough to be bed bound for ten days. This way they can stop wondering about the extent of your injuries, and you can stop trying to deceive them, and concentrate on recovering.”

Begrudgingly, John relinquished, “Okay, you can tell them, but tell them to keep it to themselves, and not to ask me how I feel or how I’m doing. I will talk to them about it if and when I’m ready.”

“In other words, you want it to be business as usual as far as they are concerned. I can handle that. Do you think you could handle coming to my lab tomorrow and test out some new devices I found?” Rodney didn’t have any new devices for the Major to test, but he sure as hell could scrounge one up if John said he would leave his quarters and venture down to the lab.

John bit his lower lip in anxiety. He knew that if he had any hopes of flying again he would have to be able to leave the safe confines of his room, “I think I can manage that, as long as you’re alone when I get there.”

“I’ll make sure I’m alone. Now, I want you get some more rest, and I’ll see you tomorrow.” Rodney resisted the urge to hug John and instead got up and headed for the door, “I’ll tell Teyla and Ford tonight, and don’t worry about Elizabeth. I won’t say a word about what Steve told you.”

“Thanks Rodney. I really appreciate you being so understanding, and I want you to get something to eat and get some sleep as well.”

Rodney stood in the doorway and took one final look at the resting man, “Now that I know you’re on your way to recovery, I’ll be able to sleep, and don’t be surprised if you hear about a Twinkie or coffee shortage tomorrow. I have a lot to catch up on.”

John smiled and watched the door close shutting Rodney and the rest of Atlantis off from his world. He had a sense that his recovery had truly started with one conversation with McKay. He also knew that the road to recovery would be bumpy, but he knew that he had a friend in McKay who would help him through the toughest jolts.


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Ford and Teyla sat in shock as McKay told them of the events that had taken place on the Genii home world. Of course, Rodney had not mentioned that Kolya had been unarmed when he shot him, but he told of the assault made on the Major, and why he had been alone in his quarters for nearly two weeks. Teyla was not surprised at the admission, and had even hinted that she already knew the truth. Aidan was initially upset that they had not been told sooner, but Teyla made him realize that he was being selfish. They both knew that their concerns should be for the Major and not for themselves.

“Dr. McKay, I appreciate you telling us the truth, and we will keep silent and maintain a sense of normalcy for the Major,” Teyla assured the worried scientist.

“You can tell him that I haven’t lost any respect for him, nor am I disgusted with him or see him as weak. If anything, I feel more respect for him because he is dealing with this rather than going off the deep end,” Aidan announced.

“He’ll be glad to hear that Lieutenant Ford. I’m sure that your support will mean a lot to him. I’m sorry that you weren’t told sooner, but today is the first day I’ve been allowed to see him or talk to him. He’s only talked to Beckett before today, so don’t feel too left out of the loop. The decision for you to be told had to come from him.”

“We understand. How are you coping with the tragedy?” Teyla asked.

Rodney stared into her eyes realizing that she too, along with Weir and Beckett, could see how he felt for Sheppard. Aidan looked adorably clueless as always, “I’m doing better now that I have had a chance to talk to him.”

Teyla smiled knowingly, “That is good to hear. I am glad that Major Sheppard has allowed you a place in his recovery. Take care that you don’t take advantage of his need for friendship.”

Rodney noticed the warning glare and tone from Teyla and whispered in her ear, “I can assure you that I would never do that Teyla. You know that I care too much for him to hurt him like that.”

“Of course you do,” she whispered back.


*****************************************************


Day Fifteen Puddle Jumper One:

“Glad you could make it out with me McKay. I’m not the only one who could use some practice flying this thing,” Sheppard teased.

Rodney watched as John flew the ship back towards Atlantis, “I tell you what, you become a genius with an IQ of 160 who can repair Naquada generators, and I’ll become a pilot jockey with an IQ of 90 who can fly a ship in a straight line.”

John faked a look of shock, “Ouch, that hurts. I have you know that my IQ is higher than that, and I can also do loops and zigzags with this ship.”

Rodney mumbled, “163.”

“I’m sorry Rodney what did you say?” John pestered.

“I said that I saw your military file and your last IQ evaluation was 163!”

“And yours was what?”

“160, but numbers don’t mean anything. I use my intelligence in a more productive manner, where you use yours to get into trouble.”

“So, it’s not the size of the IQ that matters but how you use it? Isn’t that a bit cliché, even for you McKay?”

Rodney sighed in frustration even though he knew that their engaging putdowns were part of the reason why he loved John. Anyone who could tolerate Rodney McKay’s sarcasm and give as good as he got had to be a soul mate, “Well it’s true. It’s how you use what you got that counts.”

“Does that count for all things?”

Rodney looked at John not sure where he was headed with the conversation. He felt a twinge of excitement in his groin at the implication, “Of course that applies to most things. Size doesn’t always matter…”

“What if you have a large enough size and you use it to the best of your ability?”

Rodney licked his lips subconsciously thinking about a certain piece of Sheppard’s anatomy that he might be referring to, “Well, then that would make you special wouldn’t it? I mean after all, many of my peers see me as extraordinary, almost god-like.”

John rolled his eyes in amazement, “You are one cocky asshole McKay. What does it feel like being above all the other lower life forms?”

Rodney liked the idea of Sheppard being underneath him, “It feels pretty good. How does it feel looking up at me?”

Sheppard laughed, “I’ll let you know as soon as my ATA gene allows me to be lowered down to your level.”

Damn, how can one man have brains, humor, beauty, and the ATA gene, “Ha, ha! I’m laughing so hard my ribs are cracking.”

“God, I’ve missed this bantering between us.”

Rodney looked at Sheppard in adoration, “Me too, it’s good to see you behind the helm again.”

The last five days had been challenging to say the least, but John was beginning to show moments of happiness again. They had worked in the lab together everyday, and they had eaten meals together as well. They had discussed Kolya’s assault, but not exclusively. They had also talked about the ATA gene, Sheppard’s manipulation of Ancient technology, their friendship, and Canadian football. They had argued over their next mission objectives, Rodney wanted to find a planet that had coffee beans for trade, and John wanted a planet that had wild turkeys for trade. Ultimately, the last five days had caused Rodney’s feelings to grow exponentially, and John’s trust of Rodney to skyrocket.

“Elizabeth and Carson agree that I can start going through the gate in another week or so.”

Rodney was somewhat surprised, “Do you think three weeks is long enough? What if we run into trouble?”

John looked out over the horizon trying to block out the images of what trouble McKay could be referring to, “When do I not get into trouble?”

Rodney couldn’t tell if John was joking or not, “I’m serious. Could you handle being captured again?”

“I honestly don’t know. Could I handle being raped again? Hell no, but I think the odds of that happening again are pretty low. I can’t let fear defeat me. I have to get on with things. I’m the leading military officer, so I can’t let my anxiety hold me back, and I’ll feel better knowing that you’re going with me,” John remarked approaching the landscape of Atlantis.

“That’s good, where’s the first mission too?”

“Teyla told me about this planet the Athosians trade with that has large birds with wings that can only fly short distances…”

Rodney’s eyes widened in bewilderment, “Are we really going to a planet because it has turkey-like animals?”

“Cheer up. Maybe they’ll have something similar to coffee.”

“God, you are incorrigible. Only you could sweet talk Elizabeth into letting us go to a planet solely for turkey.”

“Speaking of turkey, would you like to grab a bite to eat when we get back? I skipped breakfast this morning since I knew you had drunk all the coffee and eaten all the donuts.”

Rodney watched John maneuver the Puddle Jumper for landing in the hanger, “You are in rare form today Major. I’m so glad that you are having so much fun at my expense.”

John lowered the Jumper down onto the landing platform and gave McKay the famous Sheppard smile, “I’m sorry Rodney, but you’re just too easy.”

Once again Rodney found himself falling into the Major’s smile. He wanted nothing more at that moment than to tell John that he was in love with him and that he would protect him and keep him out of harm’s way, but he remained silent, and instead he found himself leaning towards John’s mouth. He lightly touched his lips to John’s lips, and he reached out to wrap Sheppard into a loving hug.

For weeks he had imagined their first kiss would be heated and passionate, and that John would fall into his arms willingly, but instead his arms were grasped roughly and he was pushed away from the Major with impressive force, “What the hell do you think you’re doing McKay!”

Rodney could have kicked himself for making such a bumbling mistake, “I’m sorry John. I just got really comfortable with our conversation over the last few days, so I…”

“So you decided to try to stick your tongue down my throat?”

“I fucked up okay? Please just forget this happened! I’ll never try anything like that again. I promise,” Rodney pleaded for forgiveness.

John stared daggers into Rodney’s heart, “I trusted you! I told you my deepest fears and my pain, and you took advantage of that. I thought you were my friend?”

“Oh God John, I am your friend. I screwed up. I’m sorry. I can’t help the way I feel, but for your sake I will try to.”

John got up from the helm deactivating the console controls, “McKay, I can’t deal with this shit right now, and a real friend would have known better than to do what you did.”

“Please don’t leave angry. I promise that I will never try anything like this again. You won’t have to worry about me and my feelings again.”

John took in a few calming breaths, “Do you remember how I told you I was paranoid about what others wanted from me? Do you remember that?”

Rodney felt tears falling down his cheeks. He had betrayed the man he was in love with, “Yes.”

“I told you that I was worried about what the Wraith and other humans were capable of doing to me. I told you that I was terrified that I would be more vulnerable to their attacks because of what that bastard did to me, and here you are, the man I’ve bared my soul to over the last five days, wanting the same thing Kolya and Steve wanted from me.”

Rodney felt on the verge of a panic attack or at the very least an emotional breakdown. He couldn’t get the words out while Sheppard looked on at him in hatred. We wanted to explain his motives. He wanted to tell John that he loved him more than anyone in his life. He wanted to build a trusting loving relationship with him, not a sexual fling, but he couldn’t find his voice as John walked out of the Jumper. He sobbed hysterically for a few moments remembering Teyla’s warning, “I am glad that Major Sheppard has allowed you a place in his recovery. Take care that you don’t take advantage of his need for friendship.”

He rubbed at his reddened wet eyes, “God what have I done? I did exactly what she warned me against.” He stood up and kicked the side of the chair as hard a he could in frustration, “You stupid fucking idiot! You’ve ruined everything McKay. He trusted you and you betrayed that trust!”

He left the Jumper hoping that John would be in the hanger waiting for him, but he wasn’t surprised to find that he was alone. He had always heard people talking about the biggest mistakes of their life, but he had never believed in one moment, but instead of a series of moments that could change one’s life forever. However, he now had a true understanding that indeed one moment in time was all it took to fuck up one’s life, and he had just made the biggest single mistake of his entire life, and he wasn’t sure if he would ever recover from it. After all, how does one recover from losing the most important person in one’s life? How would he now fit into John Sheppard’s life? He had hurt John worse than Kolya. He had given John the needed friendship he wanted, but only to satisfy his own needs. He knew that John saw Rodney’s sexual intentions represented in the guise of friendship, and he wasn’t sure that John would ever be able to forgive him for his betrayal. More importantly, Rodney wasn’t sure that he would ever be able to forgive himself for his deceitfulness.


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Part IV coming soon…
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