Last Chance

Disclaimer: C.S.I. is not mine, boo hoo.


Title: Last Chance (3)


Author: Hazeleyes57

Rating: R for subject matter.


Spoilers: Up to season 4 if any.


Summary: The little swimmer guys!! Will he or won't he?

Last Chance (3)


"Don't you want to know what my decision was?"

Grissom inwardly cursed himself.

Why the hell had he said that? Sara had been on her way out of his office and she would never have mentioned the subject again, he was sure of it. He would have been home free.

Sara stared fixedly at her hand resting on the door of Grissom's office. She willed herself not to look back at him. She literally could not bear to face the disappointment.

Grissom felt like six kinds of an idiot. Halting Sara's flight and even now letting her hope that he would help her was a cruel act. He could see the tension in her shoulders and back. He might be feeling terrible, but he'd bet that she felt worse.

But he still waited for her response.

A full minute passed while Sara tried to make a decision.

A choice between hope and despair.

Sara turned her head to her left and Grissom tensed. She did not turn her head all the way to him, but stopped half way, leaving him with a view of her profile.

"I know you reason wel well Grissom, as well as you'd let anyone get to know you. You decided 'no'. It's okay, I understand. I am sorry that I put you in this position, and I'd appreciate it if you'd just forget everything that happened, whatever it was."

It was Grissom's turn to contemplate.

Sara knew him better then he thought. It shouldn't have surprised him but it did.
There was a poignant quality in her voice that tugged at his insides like his own personal umbilical cord. Her pain was his.

"I can't do that Sara. I can't forget."

Grissom saw her shoulders slump a little in defeat.

"But you don't know me as well as you think."

Grissom paused, barely able to believe what was coming out of his mouth.

"What about the otosclerosis?"

Sara's gaze flew to his as she turned to face him. The hope on her face stabbed at Grissom.

"I don't care about it."

"You should."

Sara stepped forward a couple of paces. They were still four feet apart when she stopped.

"I'm not going to explain my motives to you Grissom, but I have thought long and hard about this whole thing. From every angle that I can think of."

Grissom searched her face as if for clues to her thoughts.

"Then you are prepared to live with my decision? Even if it means that I won't help you?"

Sara met his gaze without flinching.

"It's you or no one. If you say no, then it ends here and now. I walk away and it's never mentioned again. I don't have any choice. I thought I did, but I don't."

Her courage astounded Grissom.

His heart and his brain fought over the dilemma.

"Then it would seem that I have no choice either. Regardless of what I may have led you to believe, your happiness is important to me. I'll help you if I can."

Sara was so stunned by his statement about her happiness that it took several seconds to register that he had essentially said ' to to her request. She gaped in disbelief.

Sara wasn't the only one stunned. Grissom couldn't believe he had said it either.

Yet part of him was pleased beyond measure, and actually relieved.

If Sara conceived, it would be his child.

God, if he were like this now at the thought of it, what would he be like if a pregnancy was confirmed?

Sara felt light-headed with relief.

Grissom had said yes!

Her hands were icily cold and she was shaking. She needed the toilet and felt sick with excitement, joy, and nervous anticipation.

And fear.

Fear that this whole business would ruin any possibility of a future with Gil Grissom.

Neither of them knew how long that they just looked at each other like stunned fish.

Eventually Sara focused sufficiently for speech.

"I...I'm sorry, I'm just so surprised..."

She looked down at her clasped hands.

"...It's just that I never thought that you would consider it, even for a moment."

She looked back up to his face.

"Thank you seems totally inadequate, but thank you, anyway."

Grissom resisted the absurd urge to say 'you're welcome' or 'it's nothing'.

So he just nodded once to acknowledge her thanks.

He cleared his throat as he moved out from behind hesk.esk.

"We obviously need to talk about this, but I don't want to discuss this here."

Sara nodded in agreement. She didn't want to risk this in public either.

"I'd rather not have an audience and I don't think that I could eat right now anyway."

Grissom understood the apparent non-sequiter. Sara didn't want to have this discussion in a restaurant. He looked from her nervously intertwined fingers back up to her face.

It was with a major sense of irony that he said,

"Your place or mine?"

Sara flushed under his scrutiny, but managed a nervous smile. She would be more relaxed at her own place, but wouldn't be able to leave if it all got too much.

"Is yours okay with you?"

Grissom's face gave little away, but Sara was left with the impression that he was relieved at her choice. Maybe he felt more secure in his place.

"The townhouse is fine. Do you need to go home first?"

Sara leapt gratefully at the chance of escape.

"Yeah, I do. What time shall I come round?"

Grissom looked at his watch. This shift finished in ten minutes, much to his surprise. He thought a lot longer than only fifteen minutes had passed.

"Do you want to sleep before you come over?"

Sara didn't think that she would be able to, but she nodded anyway.

Grissom's eyebrows were raised in inquiry.

"Okay, let's say...three?"

Sara nodded again.

"Three's fine. I'll be there."

Sara turned back to the door, this time opening it. She left it open on her way out.

She waited until she was several feet up the corridor before she risked a glance back into Grissom's office.

He was seated back at his desk with an open file in his hands. He was frowning in concentration.

Sara thought it typical that he could get straight back in to work.

Nerves of steel.

Sara turned back and went to find Warrick.

Mr. 'Nerves of Steel' may have had the file open in front of him but it might as well have been written in Martian for all the sense it made to him.

What the hell had hst dst done?

^^^^^^

Sara took her purse out of her locker and shut the door. She knew that she must have been showing some of her turmoil because Warrick had given her an odd look a few minutes ago when she had said goodbye at the end of shift.

He had not said anything though, and she was grateful for his restraint. Greg certainly wouldn't have been so circumspect.

Sara made her way out of the building and walked to her vehicle, going past Grissom's Denali. Just thinking that it was his car made her feel quivery inside and she chastised herself for acting like a silly schoolgirl.

It was a nice quivery though.

She promised herself that she wouldn't think about the coming afternoon until she got home. She wanted her attention to be on her driving.

Fat chance.

^^^^^^

Grissom picked up his briefcase on his way over to the door of his office. He switched the the lights and closed the door behind him then headed for the locker room to change out of his work shoes and grab his jacket.

Warrick was still there, changing his shirt.

"Hey, Gil."

Grissom nodded as he passed the other man.

"Warrick."

Grissom opened his locker and sat down to change his shoes.

Warrick finished doing up his buttons and looked at the older man.

"Any idea what's up with Sara?"

Grissom froze momentarily but managed to recover smoothly and straightened up to look casually at Warrick.

"In what respect?"

Warrick looked askance at Grissom. He had to be kidding, right?

"You asked to see her after assignments earlier. Is she okay? I'm...concerned."

Grissom kept his gaze impassive but he was thinking, 'and so the deception begins'.

"I'm sure if Sara had anything she wanted us to know she would tell us."

Warrick snorted.

"Yeah, right. Miss Closemouthed of the Year. I don't think so."

Grissom stood up in an effort to end the conversation.

"We have to respect her desire for privacy."

Warrick shrugged but didn't say anything until Grissom had left the locker room.

"You might, but not me. Something's buggin' her and I mean to find out what."

^^^^^^

Sara arrived home safely despite her thoughts not entirely being on her route home. She managed to get some breakfast cereal down but it tasted like sawdust. She had a warm bath in the hope of making herself relax enough to sleep but an hour after she had climbed into bed she was still awake.

She had already gathered all the information she had collated about her condition even though she had no intention of sharing it with Grissom unless he insisted. He was part of the solution, not the problem. Although she kept referring to it herself as IVF, she was in fact going down the artificial insemination route. She would be happier in herself if she could just stop thinking about all the turkey baster jokes that she had ever been told.

Sara turned on her other side and bashed her pillow some more to achieve a comfortable position for her head.

She now faced the middle of her bed and before she had even given it conscious thought her hand moved to the other side of the bed. Grissom had lain here. He had been on this spot on her bed, asleep beside her. And she had been draped over him. All over lik like a rash.

If only she'd known.

Sara pulled the other pillow to her face. She could still smell the faint trace of essence of Grissom, a light clean muskiness that still had the power to move her. How could she not have realised?

She hugged the pillow and closed her eyes.

Sara's mind would not let her sleep. It played the scene in Grissom's office over again. She could still feel the awful humiliation that she had felt then. She groaned aloud. If that was bad, whatld tld this afternoon be like?

At least Grissom had tried to spare her blushes. She was the one who had pushed it.

Oh God - she'd even blackmailed him.

And yet he had still offered to help her. She would never figure him out, not in a million years.

Still, it would be fun to try.

Sara grinned until she remembered where she would be going in a few hours time. It sobered her.

Too little and too late.

On the other hand, sober she would never have asked for Grissom's help.

Sara sighed and thought of one of the Buddhist sayings:

Sometimes, 'things unfold as they should'.

^^^^^^

Grissom did manage to get some sleep after his breakfast, much to his surprise. He realised while he was showering that he felt remarkably relaxed considering the fact that Sara would be arriving in less than an hour.

To discuss getting her pregnant.

Grissom braced both of his hands on the wall in front of him as he stood and let the hot water flow over his head and down his back.

Getting Sara pregnant.

How dramatically life could change from onmentment to the next. Goosebumps appeared on his arms as Grissom's mind supplied a vision of Sara, large with hiby. by.

He felt himself stir as he thought about Sara in context of the more traditional route to pregnancy.

Grissom did not resort to his usual solution when finding himself enjoying one of his Sara scenarios. He took his right hand off the wall only to turn down the supply of hot water.

Better not dilute his contribution.


^^^^^^

Sara stood in front of her wardrobe in a state close to panic. She had been trying on and discarding clothes for ten minutes. A large bundle of creased clothing was piling up on the bed behind her.

No book of etiquette she could think of covered what to wear at a discussion about sperm donation.

Too red.

Too white.

Too formal.

Too casual.

Sara bent over and pulled an outfit up from its place among her shoes where it had obviously fallen a while ago.

Wow, she'd forgotten about that phase, a lifetime ago. When she had tried to get the attention of a visiting entomology lecturer.

Way too slutty. It hadn't worked anyway. The lecturer hadn't looked at her or moved from behind his desk the entire duration of the lecture.

Sara wondered if Grissom would remember it.

It went on the pile.

She looked at her watch.

Fuckity crap, she was going to be late. Stuff it, this'll have to do.

'This' being clean work pants and a plain shirt with three-quarter length sleeves.

Nothing Grissom hadn't seen many times.

Minimal make-up and a small spritz of perfume completed the outfit and she was ready. She grabbed her keys and ran out of her front door.

Four seconds later she let herself back in to her apartment, grabbed her purse, put on her shoes and ran back out - finally on her way.

^^^^^^

Grissom cast a critical eye over the whole room. He couldn't see anything amiss. It was sufficiently tidy that he was not embarrassed about mesut nut not so shipshape that it would not be relaxing to be here. Perfect.

He looked at his watch and noted that it was a few minutes to three. There was nothing to do now but wait. He seated himself at his dining table and looked over the notes he had made while reading on the 'net. He had some questions for Sara, and he'd be surprised if she didn't have some for him.

Not for thrst rst time today Grissom wondered how he had come to this point. When he had spoken to Sara he had every intention of telling her that he would not help her, but when it came to the crunch he could not deny her. Seeing her both defeated and then so full of hope, he knew what he had to do. Now that he had made the decision he intended to see it through to the end, whichever way it turned out.

Grissom was just checking his watch again when the doorbell rang.

At last. Time to get the show on the road.

Without hurrying unduly, Grissom went to the front door and opened it. He gaped.

"Catherine!"

To say that Grissom was surprised was an understatement.

He had been so focused on expecting Sara that he literally went blank for a moment.

Catherine looked at him oddly when he didn't open the door further and invite her in as he would usually.

"I know I didn't say I'd be over today, but Lindsay's having a sleepover and I was in the neighbourhood so I thought I'd drop by."

Grissom hoped he didn't look as frantic as he felt. Sara could arrive at any minute and the cat would well and truly be out of the bag if Catherine were still here.InspInspiration struck.

"You know that you're always welcome, but I was just on my way out."

Catherine looked a little disappointed but smiled anyway.

"Oh, okay. Never mind, another time. I'll go do some retail therapy. Cheaper on my own."

"Yes, of course."

Grissom tried not to appear as if he were looking behind Catherine. She gave him a puzzled look.

"What's the matter?"

Grissom brought his attention back to Catherine and attempted a smile.

"Thought I saw the neighbour's cat with a bird in its mouth. Keeps bringing them in here when it can."

Catherine looked behind her and then back at Gil.

" There's nothing there."

He nodded, patting his pants pocket for his keys.

"Umm, yes, it's gone. As I must too."

Grissom stepped forward making Catherine step back a pace, and he pulled the door closed behind him. He gestured toward the parking area and took another step forward. Catherine didn't move. Her eyes narrowed and her lips curved up.

" I hope she's worth it."

"What? Who?"

Catherine grinned as she started to walk away.

"Whoever has you so rattled that you leave your place still wearing your slippers. Just don't let Sara find out this time. 'Later. "

Catherine strode off, waggling her fingers back over her shoulder in farewell.

Grissom looked down at his feet in surprise as he fished hiss ous out of his pants pocket.

Rattled was not quite the word he was looking for.

But it was a good start.

He let himself back into the townhouse and dropped his keys back on the shelf near the door. He smoothed both hands over his bearded cheeks in a nervous grooming gesture.

Grissom took another look at his watch. Ten past three. It was unlike Sara to be late, but under the circumstances he was grateful that she appeared to have made an exception today.

He sti still standing there a minute later when the doorbell rang again.

He went to the door more prepared for the possibility that it might not be Sara, but he needn't have worried because it was her this time.

"Sara. Come in."

Grissom stepped back to allow Sara in.

Sara smiled but she looked a little anxious too as she passed him.

"I'm sorry I'm late but I had to go round the block when I realised that Catherine had turned in just ahead of me."

Grissom looked both relieved and apologetic.

"I wasn't expecting her. I had visions ou bou both meeting on the doorstep."

Sara raised both eyebrows and one side of her mouth quirked upwards.

"That would have been interesting."

Grissom's lips pursed as he looked at her with amusement.

"More 'interesting' than is probably good for my health."

Sara grinned, relieved that the near miss with Catherine had effectively broken the ice with this meeting by giving them something else to talk about first.

Grissom gestured across the room to the couch and the dining table as he walked to the kitchen area.

"Have a seat. Coffee?"

"Yes, please."

Sara walked around the dining table, glancing at the open laptop and seeing the subject matter on screen. Wow, he was taking it seriously.

She seated herself at the table for the same reasons as before. Not quite so intimate as the couch.

She used the laptop as an opening gambit. Someone had to start the ball rolling.

"I see you've been researching."

Grissom looked up from his task and nodded.
s. Is. It's an interesting field if you have no emotional investment in it. Can be harrowing if you have."

"Tell me about it."

"Sorry."

Sara shrugged in the 'I don't really care' manner that she used to distance herself when she felt she might become overwhelmed by a situation.

"No biggie."

Grissom wasn't fooled.

"Sara, this is going to be difficult enough without trying to keep a brave face on it. I'm blunt and I'm bound to hurt your feelings unintentionally sooner or later. You can't be afraid to tell me when it happens."

Sara felt the unexpected sting of tears at his words. She managed to blink them back and keep her voice playful.

"Okay. Does that count for work too?"

Grissom tipped his head sideways and fixed her with a stare.

"Certainly not."

But his tone had been amused.


Ten minutes later they were both seated at the dining table with coffee. Using the laptop article as a jumping off point they had unconsciously started their discussion almost as if talking about a third party. Grissom indicated a line on the screen.

"This Professor Winston in Britain seems to have had a lot of success if you look at the percentage pregnancy rate from a variety of assisted techniques."

Sara had been looking at Grissom's hands rather than the site indicated and she had to remind herself that she should be paying attention to what he was saying.

"Yeah, I watched a program about him a couple of years ago."

At Grissom's look she shrugged.

"Even before this I watched Discovery."

Grissom's expression said 'Ah, of course'.

Half an hour later they came to the 'DIY guide to AI'.

It dealt - in excruciating detail - with collection of sperm, storage of the sample, viability times, the best time of the woman's cycle to attempt the insemination and a host of information to aid success.

Although Grissom had saved the information to disk for later perusal, both of them were reading the article while studiously avoiding each other's gaze.

Sara thought that it was probably out of embarrassment until she accidentally caught his eye when he leaned over to change the disk for a fresh one.

Suddenly Sara realised where she had seen that expression before.

In the toilet of a jumbo jet.

"You think this is funny don't you?"

Grissom placed both hands up in a 'don't shoot me' posture and his essiession was struggling for innocence.

"No, no, not at all. Deadly serious."

Sara's lips twitched despite her efforts to keep a straight face. He looked adorable in his struggle and she fell a little bit more in love with him. Yes,Yes, it is and you would do well to remember that."

Sara's 'that' ended in a squeak as she failed to stop the humour of this impossible situation from getting to her.

They looked at each other for a split second and both started laughing.

It was a welcome release for both of them. They decided to take another coffee break and stop for a while.

They didn't talk about work, almost as if they had both decided not to remind the other about the difficulties surrounding any possibility of the two of them doing anything other than work together.

They did talk about music and art, fairly neutral subjects.

When they started talking about artists, Grissom was reminded about one of the books in Sara's bedroom.

"What do you think about Jack Vettriano?"

Sara looked at him, trying to gauge his opinion.

"I love his stuff. What do you think of his work?"

Grissom's smile seemed to have something hidden in it but Sara wasn't sure what it meant.

"The establishment seem to have it in for him, but he's certainly popular with everyone else. One of his originals went recently for nearly two hundred thousand dollars."

Sara nodded.

"Yeah, I heard that. My favourite for general show is 'Dance me to the end of love'."

"The couple on the beach, all silver and white. Hidden romantic there Sidle."

Sara shrugged a 'don't care' and smirked.

"So, what's your favourite?"

She looked across the dining table at Grissom and waited for his reply.

He looked at her with what she could only describe as speculation. For no reason she could fathom immediately, her heart skipped in to higher gear.

"Game On."

Grissom said it mildly, but Sara nearly choked on her coffee.

Her gaze flew to his. How did he know?

Suddenly they were in dangs tes territory and the tension rocketed in the room.

Sara put down her coffee mug before she dropped it. She clenched her legs together to try to stop the ache of arousal that always skimmed just below the surface when Grissom was around. She tried to sound casual.

" It's one of the ones that haven't been made into a poster."

Grissom leaned back in his chair, aiming for nonchalance but aware that he had upped the ante.

"Not surprising given the nature of the picture. Both provocative and evocative."

"Mmm." Sara looked back at Grissom's intense blue gaze and felt compelled to add, "The first time that I saw it, it just reached out and grabbed me."

Grissom nodded in complete understanding. Sara was a sensualist as well as a romantic. Unusual and exhilarating to find the two together in one woman.

"I know what you mean. It struck a chord with me too."

Sara got the distinct impression that they were communicating on more than one level and wondered again about the mixed signals that Grissom sent her. She made a deliberate attempt to keep things on the straight and narrow. She tapped the notepad that was covered in Grissom's handwriting.

"So, I see that you have some questions?"

Grissom allowed her to diffuse the tension in the room by changing the subject. He had confirmed something about Sara for him and he was pleased.

"Yes, though some of them may well be the same as yours."

His questions included what he thought of as 'ground rules'. It was important for him to be clear about boundaries.

"Okay, shoot."

Sara had a pen out to take notes just in case there was something that needed addressing later.

"Assuming that 'this' works and you are successful, what are you going to do when you have to register the child's birth regarding the category 'father'?"

Sara swallowed nervously. Trust him to come up with one of the big ones straight away.

"As we are notriedried, I'm not legally allowed to name you as the father without your permission. If you don't want to be named, the only option is 'unknown'."

Grissom shook his head.

" 'Unknown' is unacceptable, you have my permission and I'll notify you in writing just in case anything happens to me beforehand."

He made a note on his pad then looked up again.

"Which brings me on to the next piece. I'll be changing my will to take effect from the moment the baby is registered, so that you will be left the bulk of my estate in trust for the baby until he or she reaches eighteen at which point it goes to them. What's the matter?"

Sara looked floored.

"I...sorry, you just shocked me. You don't have to do that. I can't accept - "

"It's not up to you. I have no family apart from my mother and she will be taken care of if I predecease her, so don't worry about that. This is my decision, it's not up for discussion."

Grissom's tone was firm and Sara acquiesced. Like he said, she had no choice.

"Which reminds me, you will have to sort your Will out too. If anything happens to you before the child reaches maturity I expect to get full custody. Not your family, me."

Sara nodded. She had expected that, it had been one of her questions. She made a note on her pad. With her head still bent she asked,

"With that issue in mind, does this mean that you want contact as his/her father or as my work colleague?"

Grissom looked at the top of Sara's head and wondered what she wanted right at this moment.

"For now leave it as work colleague. We could always explain to the child when it's old enough that I would be a potential guardian. Leave our options open."

Sara nodded and scribbled.

"Next?"

"Behaviour at work. For your sake I would prefer that we keep this arrangement between ourselves. It's going to be stressful enough without everyone else's input."

Sara looked horrified.

"I have no intention of telling anyone anything, let alone that you're helping me!"

"What about when - hopefully - you succeed? They are bound to ask questions."

"Let them, it doesn't bother me. I'll know who the father is, you'll know. Who else needs to? Any other questions I'll deal with as and when. There's bound to be speculation, there always is."

Grissom privately thought that it wasn't going to be as easy as that, especially with Catherine on her case. And his. He'd cross that bridge when he came to it.

"How involved do you want to be?"

Sara's question took him completely by surprise and he knew that he ld itd it.

"Excuse me?"

Sara suddenly realised how her question could be seen from another point of view. She couldn't help flushing.

"I meant with the pregnancy, you know sonograms and stuff. You wanna be involved, or just get copies of everything, or not be involved at all?"

"Oh. Well, n't n't know. Perhaps you should ask me again at the time."

Grissom's instinctive answer had been 'yes' but upon reflection he thought that it would be the slippery slope down to personal involvement and that had to be avoided.

Sara had expected that to be his answer, but she was disappointed all the same.

She reminded herself that she was not to think of their agreement as a 'relationship'.

It was going to be a long year.

Half an hour later they had answered each other'sstiostions and had all the paperwork sorted. Sara had one last thing to give Grissom and she wasn't looking forward to it particularly.

She handed Grissom a folded piece of notepaper.

"This is a list of times...um...a schedule if you like of...dates when...you...when I need...that is, I ought to..."

"Try?" Grissom supplied helpfully.

"Yes." Sara said gratefully.

Grissom scanned through the dates and frowned. He looked at the reverse of the paper, then at Sara.

"You haven't written down a date for this month."

Sara looked at the table, wishing momentarily that she were anywhere but here.

"That's because it was yesterday."

Grissom looked at her as if she were a student avoiding homework.

"The window of opportunity is wider than one day. I thought time was of the essence. Don't you want to try this month?"

Sara, smarting at the implied slacking, looked at him with both eyes innocently wide.

"Do you?"

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TBC