The Boys From Tennessee

The Boys From Tennessee
Rating: NC17 Discussion of abuse, violence and murder. Angst.
Author: Chissy_Rose
Pairing: None, but setup for next chapter.
Author’s Notes/Disclaimer: They’re not mine, I don’t own them. No infringement intended.

The Boys From Tennessee
Chapter 29 (29/60)
The Darkest Secret

The next morning when he woke up Peter realized quickly that both Jack and Sawyer had gotten up before him. He stretched and got slowly out of bed, slipping his jeans, t-shirt and tennis shoes on. He grabbed some fruit to eat and stepped outside and saw Sawyer sitting down nearby and started towards him. Jack was apparently gone already. He was nowhere to be seen. Peter thought that Jack had probably made the right decision to get up before other people started stirring that could have seen him leaving his tent. Sawyer looked up and smiled at him and said hey. Peter gave him a serious look and put his hands in his jeans pockets. “What??? What’s that look for Pete?” Sawyer asked.

“I’m still pissed at you Sawyer about last night. What you did hurt me like hell. You ever had a large water enema that was freezing cold?” Peter asked tersely. Sawyer shook his head no. “Well, it hurts like hell and your guts feel like they’re twisting up, only the pain keeps going on until your body warms up the water inside of you. Gives you the worst abdominal cramping you’ve ever had. Don’t ever do that to me again. Next time warm it up or don’t do it at all.”

Sawyer could tell Peter was still very pissed at him. “Okay, I’m sorry I screwed up. I just didn’t think about the water being cold and that it would cause cramping like that. I never had a cold one before so I didn’t know.”

“Yeah, well you didn’t care about me enough to stop it? I think you didn’t stop it because of Jack being there. Next time, worry more about me and whether I’m in too much pain, than what Jack thinks, or we could end up fighting.” Peter said.

“Was that a threat cousin?” Sawyer sat studying Peter’s face.

“No, just a statement of fact. I let you push me and use me 'cause I’m in love with you – you SOB. Don’t take advantage of my feelings for you. Don’t push me too far. You don’t know what I’m capable of. You don’t know what I’ve done.”

“Ooooooh, so I should be afraid now?” Sawyer quipped.

“I’ve heard you say the same basic thing. That’s not a threat, it’s a fact. There are still things you don’t know about me that I don’t want you to know. All I’m asking is… don’t take advantage of the love I have for you. Don’t use me.” Peter turned and went walking back down the beach to the campsite. Sawyer sat chewing on his lip, and watched him walking away. His cousin had some spunk and backbone after all Sawyer thought. He knew Peter was right. He should have stopped it once Peter had told him how bad it hurt and shouldn’t have given a damn about what Jack thought. He knew he was going to have to do better by Peter.

Peter walked down to the campfire area and sat down at one of the large makeshift tables. He pulled a deck of cards out of his pocket and dealt cards down on the table and began a game of solitaire. He sort of hoped that maybe someone might come over and strike up a conversation. He didn’t even have to look up. He knew Libby’s voice when she spoke. He smiled and asked her how she was doing. She said she was fine and wondered how things were with him. Peter looked all around. He decided that as long as they both talked softly that no one would hear them unless they approached where they were. “I’m going okay Libby. I’ve told both my guys about my old man and his friends and the porn. So we got it out in the open.” Peter said.

“They still accept you right? So your fears about them not having anything else to do with you didn’t materialize did it?” she asked.

“No, and now that it’s out, I’m not as afraid to talk about it. I told Sayid too,” he responded.

“So how are things with you and Jack and Sawyer?” Libby spoke quietly.

“More complicated than ever I’m afraid. We’ve all had sex together, twice now. I’ve realized after the fact that I got two tops together that both want to dominate me and be in control. It’s more volatile than I’d anticipated. They both top me and now they want to top each other. I am concerned about it,” Peter said quietly.

“Hmmm, yes you should be concerned about it. You need to tread carefully. We don’t need anyone badly hurt or killed over this. You’ve got a love triangle going on and those are notoriously unstable. How are things just between you and them individually?”

“I think everything’s okay between me and Jack. But Sawyer and I are another story,” he said pensively.

“What’s going on with you two?” she asked.

“Well, you know I told you I’m submissive and a masochist?” Libby shook her head yes. “Well, turns out Sawyer is definitely a dominating top and he’s got a bit of a sadistic streak. Just what a masochist bottom needs huh?”

“Has he hurt you Peter?” she asked.

“Yes he has, but it’s as much my fault. I told him early in our relationship basically that I got off on pain, abuse and domination with sex sometimes. I’ve even begged him to be rough with me and hurt me.”

“So you opened the door and invited him in, so to speak? And now what?”

“I guess I’m gonna reap what I’m sowing, unless we end up breaking up. I don’t know if we could ever go back to vanilla sex or not. We both get off too much on what we’re doing. But…” he paused.

“But what?” she waited.

“He hurt me a hell of a lot last night in front of Jack and didn’t stop it and he could have. I agreed ahead of time to go along with it, but didn’t know it was going to be that bad. I wanted him to stop it, but he wanted me to safeword him to stop. I finally used the safeword and he stopped it. So I’m back to it being just as much my fault as his.”

“You’re going to have to decide if you want this and are willing to be hurt in this relationship with Sawyer or if you need to break it off with him. If you’re both getting what you want from it – it doesn’t seem that you’re ready to walk away from the relationship at this time,” Libby observed.

“I know you’re right. I can’t walk away from him. I’m in love with him even if the sex has gotten rougher and more abusive. I’ve warned him not to push me too far though. I told him he doesn’t know what I’m capable of. I…” Peter paused and looked down. Libby could tell he was struggling – trying to decide if he should tell her something. He looked into her eyes. “Remember I told you there are things I don’t remember directly that my first therapist worked on me with, trying to help me deal with? Had tried to get me to remember through hypnosis?”

Libby nodded, “I remember you said you had been in therapy for four years and that you’d been in the State Hospital in Tennessee.”

Peter looked down at the cards on the table. “I was in the State Hospital twice. The first time because I tried to kill myself when I was fifteen. I slashed both my wrists.” Peter stopped again and glanced up at Libby. “This is real hard to talk about to anybody Libby.” She nodded and reminded him that whatever he told her was confidential and that he didn’t have to tell her anything. Peter was trying to gather his courage to keep talking.

“I still block on this some Libby. Some of this I was told and don’t remember. My old man walked away from his prison work crew. He wasn’t even supposed to be assigned to an outside work crew, but he escaped. He and one of his friends who had fucked me a lot when I was growing up broke into my apartment. My roommate wasn’t home. He’d come with revenge on his mind, said he was gonna kill me. They beat the shit outa me first and then they both held me and took turns raping me.” Peter was shaking now and his lower lip trembled. He glanced at Libby and looked away again. “Oh God… they uh… sodomized me with the automatic handgun. I thought he was gonna kill me right then. It was horrific. His friend wanted to fuck me again and my old man went out to the car to go get something. I knew there was a dagger hidden under the couch. I got it and I cut his wrist so badly he couldn’t fire the gun and I knocked it away from him. We struggled and I cut his throat almost down to his spine.” Peter stopped for a moment – he looked shell shocked and his hands were shaking. “My old man came back in and we fought. I stabbed him over and over, Libby. They told me later he had over 100 stab marks on him.” Libby was trying hard to not shake herself. “Apparently when they had first started beating me, I started screaming. My neighbors called the police and EMS early, but they were both dead before the police or EMS arrived. They found me sitting next to him, both my wrists slit, blood all over me, totally non-responsive. I’d tried to kill myself again. They said I didn’t speak the whole time I was in the general hospital. They transferred me from there to the State Hospital where my therapist started working with me. They never charged me 'cause I was acting in self-defense. But I spent six months in the State Hospital. He saw me four years out-patient. He said that what I’d done was self-survival. It was a reaction to the horror I’d had all my life, his previous attempt to kill me and what they did to me that night, and that I shouldn’t be any danger to anyone else.” He stopped and they both sat still thinking, not talking.

Finally Libby spoke, “I’m so sorry that all that happened. I know it was traumatic for you. It’s not atypical in circumstances like yours to not remember all the events directly, but only from things that occurred after the fact or from things people told you happened. You’re worried about what you’ll do if things get out of hand with Sawyer aren’t you? That’s the reason you wanted to tell me?” Peter had an anguished look on his face as he nodded yes. “Well I think your therapist was right about you not being a general danger to other people. But if Sawyer starts being as abusive as your father was to you and it severely upsets you, he could be in danger from you. You’re going to have to tell him if things ever start getting to that state. I think maybe you and I still need to talk about this and how things are with you and your lovers on an ongoing basis. What do you think Peter?”

“Yeah, I think maybe that might be a good idea. I am telling him now when he’s pissed me off or if I feel he’s taking advantage of me. So I’m trying to be honest with him upfront. I don’t want to tell him or Jack about this though. It’s too awful. I’m ashamed about it and still feel guilty. I left Tennessee because of it, too many people knew.”

Libby placed her hand on his hand. “We might need to talk about your feelings more too. You went through more than anyone should have to bear. You have a right to self-protection and the fact that you fought shows you wanted to survive. You shouldn’t feel guilty because you had to kill them to survive.”

Peter nodded and moved another card on the table. “I appreciate being able to confide in you Libby and I appreciate your acceptance of me. I know I’m real damaged.”

Libby smiled sadly, “I do accept you and you’re not as damaged as you think you are. You have a lot of insight into much of your life and why you’re the way you are now. I think those are more Julie’s words than yours. I know you want to be whole and be able to stay in a loving relationship with someone. You want to change and that’s the first step.” Peter nodded silently.

“I’m real glad you’re here with us Libby. I don’t think I’m the only one on this island who needs your services,” Peter smiled. About that time they saw Julie walking over to where they were sitting. She said hello to both of them and then asked Peter how he was doing. He said he was fine and Libby decided to excuse herself in case they wanted privacy to talk. Julie sat down on the opposite side of the table and was watching him closely.

“What?” Peter said humorously. “I know that look. What do you want to talk about Julie? You’re making me a little nervous.” Julie made him more nervous; she put her hand down on the table and interlaced her fingers lightly with his.

“I don’t mean to make you nervous. You remember your offer of sexual services with no strings attached the other day?” Julie asked. Peter’s eyebrows went up. He didn’t think Julie would ever want him to touch her again after their breakup.

“Yes, I remember making that offer, and it’s still open,” he said intently.
“Well, you think you can keep your male lovers away from your shelter tonight and tomorrow morning?” she asked. “You promised you could be discrete.

“Yes I can be. If I can hint that I’m with you I don’t think there will be any problem. I don’t think they’ll want to mess with you. Can I tell them that?” Peter asked.

Julie thought for a moment. “Sure I don’t care, just no telling anyone else – and that includes Libby, agreed?”

“Sure babe, not a word to anyone.”

“Can I make a request?” she asked. Peter nodded yes. “Can you take a shower and shave? That would be nice.” He smiled and nodded yes again.

“Any more requests?” he asked.

“Can you make it like it was the first time we did it?” she smiled.

“Slow, romantic and passionate? Sure. I’ll be on my best behavior. Whatever you want just tell me and I’ll do it,” he offered. She smiled and stood up.

“Ten o’clock alright at your shelter?” she asked.

“Sure I’ll see you then,” he said quietly as he watched her walk off. He couldn’t believe that she’d want anything to do with him again. But maybe sex with no strings attached was the way to go with them. He dealt out another hand of solitaire and played again.