NUMB3RS Drabbles

Title: Because of You
Author: scots_rock
Pairing: Don/Charlie
Fandom: NUMB3RS
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 4,747
Disclaimer: Not mine. This is fiction.
Warning: angst, dealing with suicide
Feedback: Awesome
Author's Notes: Okay, how do I describe this. It is the sequel to “Don’t want you back”, I found it a bit harsh and I didn’t want the relationship to end. (Yes, because Don and Charlie belong together. End of story.) So, this is from Charlie’s POV, obviously, and it is a long one, and it is VERY angsty, I repeat VERY angsty. So be warned! (Could be a tiny eeny-weeny little bit OOC) This story is inspired by Kelly Clarkson’s “Because of You”, thus the title. Enjoy!

The phone rang. It did a lot recently. Charlie ignored it the best he could. He didn’t dare to rip the telephone line out of the wall, that would have been a bit too obvious that he didn’t want to see or hear or talk to anyone. He was lying in bed, the blanket covering his face. He was hiding. He did not know from what exactly but he felt safe under here. It was warm and dark, no one was annoying him. He was alone. And he liked it that way.

The ringing stopped. Charlie peeked out from under the blanket and looked around. 4 o’clock in the afternoon. He sighed. He had been staying in bed all day long. But it was finally time to get up.

This was his room. His space where he regained strength and energy. But it didn’t seem to work this time. Dad was downstairs, reading something, he guessed. His father didn’t know the whole story. He didn’t even know that Don and Charlie had a fight. Charlie was okay with that. He didn’t want to admit it but back then he had known that the day would come when one of them would be driven to a point from which there was no escape. A point at which there was no going further or back. A point of origin. The negative origin.

Charlie shoved the blanket strongly aside so that it fell to the ground. He sat up, stretching his sleepy muscles. A shower would do him good. For now.

The water felt good, tickled his skin and smoothed Charlie’s mood. It was strange to have Don in the house and yet they didn’t talk, well only the necessities, like “Please”, “Thank You” and “Welcome”. He could here Don passing his room and going downstairs. Heading back to work. Charlie stepped out of the bathroom and started dressing up. He needed to go to CalSci today, he had promised Larry to see him. When he had packed everything he needed, he waited. The front door closed shut, the engine of the car roared and Don drove away. Charlie sighed out.

~***~

As Charlie was approaching his office at CalSci his walk slowed down with each step until he finally came to a halt. It was only when he looked around he recognized where he actually had stopped. Men’s toilet to his left. His head sank down, a sad smile playing around his lips.


“Quick! Someone could come in and-“

“And what, Charlie? See two pair of feet in a cubicle?” Don grins. “Imagine we’re two gay students making out.”

“You know what I mean.”, Charlie says, his cheeks red.

“Oh yes, I do!”

Don tugs at Charlie’s shirt, needing to feel the skin underneath. He brushes over a nipple while his other hand fumbles with the zipper of Charlie trousers. Charlie himself is busy with Don’s mouth and tongue, he sucks at Don’s lower lip, kissing the corners and licking his way down do Don’s neck. The cubicle is small and narrow, yet there is always room for a little lovin’. Charlie’s trousers are shoved down eventually, followed by his boxers. Don kisses his brother one last time, fierce and passionate, before he carefully turns Charlie around to face the wall. Charlie reaches back to feel Don behind him. When Don fills him completely it is really hard to not cry out loud with ecstasy and desire. Don pounds into him, his heavy panting clearly audible in Charlie’s ears, Don’s teeth dig into Charlie’s neck.

Don’s hand closes around Charlie’s pulsating cock and strokes him in the rhythm of his thrusts. It doesn’t take long and both men are sent over the edge. Charlie turns around again only to feel Don’s lips press against his.

“Should come by more often.”, Don says between kisses, still out of breath.

“Agreed.”, Charlie replies and goes on kissing his lover.


The sex had been dirty, and quick, and rough. But it had been so good. Charlie couldn’t imagine something better, could not think of anyone who would have made him feel the way Don had. Security, warmth and love. This was over now. Life went on without Don. Didn’t it?

Charlie emerged at the door and saw Larry sitting comfortably on a chair, leafing through a book.

“Charles, there you are.”

“I’m sorry, Larry, I was... held up. So, what’s that big math problem you got there?”

Larry explained to him what seemed to be wrong with an equation he himself had come up with. Charlie showed a lot of patience and walked his friend through every step of the equation, pointing out mistakes but also correct aspects. It took them almost two hours for they discussed also Larry’s next steps and approaches. They laughed and talked loosely, in Charlie’s eyes it was fun and the most important – it was distraction. He almost didn’t want to stop stalking about Larry’s theory.

“Charlie, you seem quite talk active today. Although to myself my work is very interesting and fascinating I am aware of the fact that you’d rather like to play around with numbers. So why this sudden interest?”

Charlie didn’t realize that he had sighed out deeply at that statement which changed Larry’s till now rather amused look to worry.

“It’s nothing. I...just wanted to spend a little time with you, is that a bad thing?”, Charlie answered at last, his final words coming out a bit annoyed and loud.

“No, no, I am just saying that if you have a certain problem that is obviously bothering you I want you to know that I am always there to listen.”

Charlie nodded. “I appreciate that, Larry, really.”

He then started stuffing papers and books back into his bag, making ready to leave the office and heading back home. Charlie looked up.

“Is there something else, Larry?”

Larry just smiled understandingly and left Charlie alone with a short wave of his hand. It was rude, Charlie knew that, but he didn’t feel like talking about problems or...feelings. He shook his head slightly, scolding himself silently. He grabbed a hand full of papers and cried out loud with pain. Immediately the white sheets were covered with red dots while blood was almost streaming out of a huge cut on Charlie’s right middle finger. He cursed out loud and searched for the point of origin. There it was. Scissors. New, razor sharp scissors. Charlie wrapped the bleeding finger sloppily in a handkerchief, stuffed the rest of the papers into the bag and left the university as quickly as he could.


“You all right?”, Don asks, still terrified from the recent events.

“Yeah, I think so.”, Charlie answers and takes deep breaths to calm down again. He buckles up as Don starts the car and they drive off. No word is spoken during the drive. Arriving at Don’s place Charlie at once sits down on the couch.

“What the hell were you thinking?”, Don scolds silently as he walks past his brother into the kitchen.

“I...I’ve told you before...I wanted to check if my equations were right.”

“And you do this by walking right in the line of fire?”, comes the angry shout from the kitchen which makes Charlie jump slightly.

“I bring you to the scenes, I let you shoot with a rifle, and when I once tell you to stay in my office you fuckin’ have to listen, Charlie!”

“I’m sorry.”

Charlie’s answer is subdued and quiet. He’s not sure if Don has even heard it.

“I know.”

Don emerges in the door frame holding a glass of water in his hand. His voice hasn’t been raging or angry. It was calm and understanding. He approaches Charlie and sits down next to him, passing him the glass.

“I’m only worried about you, you understand?”

Charlie nods after he has taken a little gulp of the cold water.

“I don’t want anything to ever happen to you. How am I-“, Don pauses. “How am I supposed to protect you when you don’t listen to what I say?”

“I wasn’t there to re-check my equations, Don.”, it suddenly pops out of Charlie’s mouth. “I was scared something could happen to you.”

Don slings an arm around Charlie’s shoulder, pressing him to his chest. He kisses Charlie’s temple and lays his head against Charlie’s.

“We have to take care of each other.”, Don whispers, which makes Charlie smile.


Charlie wasn’t even aware of the tears that were forcing their way to the surface when he was walking quickly back to his bike and rode off. He blamed them later on the wind.

~***~

It would not stop ringing. Charlie groaned annoyed. Yesterday and today, the whole day long. It was too much ringing, so he finally answered his cell phone and was surprised to hear Colby’s voice at the other end.

“Charlie, at last! I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”

“Sorry, I was quite busy. What’s up?”

Colby explained that they he had to check upon some files, to be exact a lot of files, and he was wondering whether Charlie could help him out with an algorhythm to minimize the number of files. Charlie didn’t want to, but he didn’t tell that Colby. He said nicely yes and promised Colby to be at the office as soon as possible. He took his bag from the table and just as he was about to take off Don came in.

“Hey, buddy! Where’re you headin’?

Charlie froze for a moment before answering shyly.

“To the office. Colby called. I didn’t hear you coming in.”

Don took a gulp from the beer bottle he was holding.

“I just came by to check upon something. You need a ride? I was on my way to the office anyway.”

The sudden silence between the two of them could have easily been replaced by thunder. The tension was impossible to not notice. Charlie didn’t know what to say, he wasn’t sure if Don had made this offer out of pity or honesty. In the end he had no choice but accept, time was running thin, Colby was awaiting him.

When they were seated in the car and Don was driving down the road they stayed silent for quite awhile. Charlie’s fingers were digging helplessly into the bag, he felt uncomfortable and tried his best to swallow down the rock that was stuck in his throat. I will not cry.

“So, Charlie, what I wanted to ask you. I have this case, there’s this mathematician missing, and I wondered...”

“All right.”, Charlie answered before Don could even finish his sentence. “I’ll help.”

“Good. That’s...good.”, Don said. Then silence ruled the scene again.

Charlie hopped out of the car the moment they had arrived at the FBI building. He wanted to help Colby and leave as quickly as he could. He thanked Don for the ride, then remembered that Don surely would be going in the same direction as he. But Don did not. He said goodbye to Charlie and was heading to another car in the parking lot. Charlie walked quickly some steps towards the building, then he turned around to see what Don was doing there.

Moments later a man appeared, tall, thin, short brown hair and a smile that would have been able to lighten up the night. Don smiled gently and embraced the apparently younger man. It was a long embrace. Suddenly Charlie could hear a shattering noise, as if glass was being broken. It hurt. Charlie even more held on to his brown school bag as he tried to endure the aching in his chest. He swallowed several times. No, he would not cry. He would not show weakness.


“Why didn’t you cry?”, Charlie asks, his head resting against Don’s shoulder.

“What? When?”, Don asks, confused. He shifts a bit so he can look into Charlie’s big asking eyes.

“When Mum died.”, Charlie continues, without even blinking. “I cried. You didn’t.”

Don sighs deeply. Charlie can feel his brother’s chest rising and then fall again.

“I...”, Don begins then stops. “I guess I wanted to be strong. For you and Dad.”

Charlie nods and his eyes focus on the television again.

“Do you hate me for crying?”, he then suddenly asks which makes Don gasp loudly.

“What? Charlie,...”

“You said you wanted to be strong. And I remember you once said you hated people who show weakness. Tears are a sign of weakness, aren’t they?”

Don switches off the television and arranges himself and Charlie anew on the couch so they can look at each other easily.

“Charlie, crying is never a sign of weakness. It shows feelings, and emotions. It gives comfort and relief.”

“You didn’t answer my question.”, Charlie notices, almost interrupting Don.

Don smiles gently. “I don’t hate you. I love you. I respect you. I adore you.”

With that Don presses a tender kiss on Charlie’s lips. His hands come up to his brother’s face, caressing his cheeks. He halts when he suddenly feels something wet on Charlie’s face.

“Charlie? Are you alright?”, he asks worriedly.

“Do you mind me crying now?” Charlie’s voice is a bit higher than usual and filled with tears. Yet he smiles.

“No, I don’t mind.”

Charlie sinks into Don’s open, loving arms. He can’t help it. Crying seems to be the only way he can express his true feelings for Don. And Don understands.


It was already dark when Charlie walked out of the building, his heart still unstoppably and loudly pounding in his chest. Agitated and upset he made his way to the bus station. He was eager to leave this place which belonged to Don, which reminded him so much of Don, which was filled with the spirit of Don. Don everywhere he looked. And then unexpectedly in front of him.

Don seemed to be as startled as Charlie himself. He was walking into the building while Charlie was heading out.

“Hey, Charlie! Still here?”, Don greeted, but he spoke fast and unsurely.

“No, I’m going home now. Dad wanted to know if you’re coming by later.”, Charlie explained. Luckily it was too dark for Don to see his exhausted and tired eyes.

“Yeah, I think I will-“

“Don! Wait up!”, a male voice cried out from behind. “You forgot the telephone number-“

It was the man from before, Charlie noticed him at once. “Hi.”, he said politely and showed hints of a forced smile.

“Erm, yeah, Charlie this is Ian. Ian, this is my brother Charlie.”, Don introduced, obvious to Charlie that Don was embarrassed by this situation. “Ian is the new agent, transferred from Washington.“

Charlie hesitated as if he was expecting more to come, and when Don stayed quiet he nodded, smiled and said:

“I should be going home. It’s getting late. See you later, Don.” He turned to Ian. “Nice to meet you.”

Charlie took off, his hair flying in the wind as he rushed to the bus station. He had bright eyes, grey mixed with blue. They had glittered in the lights of the street lamps. Sharp cheekbones, a slight scruff covering it. Charlie could not help but think about the image of Ian standing next to Don over and over again. The new man on Don’s side? It all happened so fast, though it was only two weeks ago when Don had said to Charlie that he never wanted to see him again. Charlie shook his head. No, he didn’t say it directly but Charlie knew that this had been Don’s real thought. He didn’t love Charlie. Anymore or ever? All those moments they had, all those kisses and touches, the words spoken only between the two of them, all this...had been a lie?

Charlie was glad when he reached home. Alan was coming into the dining room with two empty dishes which he put on the table. Charlie wanted so badly to go upstairs, be alone, but he couldn’t leave his Dad standing there like that. He looked worried when he saw Charlie in that upset state. He wasn’t been able to hide his emotions now.

“Charlie? Something wrong?”

“No, Dad, it’s fine. I’m just in a rush. What’s for dinner?”

“Mac and Cheese. Is Donny coming, too?”

“Yeah, he said something.”, Charlie began, dropping his keys on a drawer.

“And? Will he come soon?”, Alan asked on.

“I think so. But you know what, Dad, I have a lot of work to do. I’ll take my dinner upstairs and eat there, all right?”

Alan for a moment didn’t respond just looked at his youngest son.

“Don’t want to lose time.”, Charlie added after awhile and smiled.

Only then Alan smiled back, shook his head silently and prepared a dish full of Mac and Cheese for Charlie. He wished his father good night and went upstairs, food in hand and bag over the shoulder.

First thing he did when Charlie entered his room was putting the dish on his desk, slumping his bag into a corner and leaving the room at once. He headed directly for Don’s room. Don’s territory.

The wood screeched under his steps as he stepped over the doorway and came to a halt. He took a deep breath in. So many memories. Too many. Why was he here? He didn’t remember. He just wanted to see this room again before everything would start crashing down on him. It was strange to enter this room alone. He didn’t recall ever being alone here. It always had been him and Don. He went further towards the night drawer. A lamp and a framed picture were the only things decorating it. It was a picture of Don, Kim and...Ian.

Charlie put the picture back on its place and went to the bathroom. He looked around, saw a tube of shaving crème, a toothbrush and toothpaste, a shaver and two loose blades. Absentmindedly he took one of them between his thumb and index finger and began playing with it, running one finger up and down the sharp blade. Charlie caught his reflection in the mirror. No wonder everyone was staring at him, he was pale and had dark spots under his eyes. He tore his eyes away from the mirror and walked back to the bed. He sat down in front of it, leaned back, his neck touching the edge of it, he bent his knees and gazed down at the razor blade which he still was holding.

Was it worth living at all?


“Why did you do that?”, Don asks, eyes small and inquiring.

“Cause I thought it was the right thing to do considering the atmosphere, the situation and the moment.”, Charlie answers at once.

“Charlie, we’re entering new territory here. If this doesn’t work, nothing will work again the way it was used to.”

“I’m aware of that.”

“And you still want to?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

Charlie smiles at Don’s question. His lips press against Don’s again.

“I love you. I never wanna be without you. Ever.” Charlie looks up into Don’s dark eyes. “Promise me!”

“I promise. You won’t be alone, Charlie.”


“Charlie! What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

Don’s voice was so sudden and loud that Charlie awakens abruptly. He didn’t notice he had fallen asleep. He felt an unexpected pain in his left arm, and as he looked down he saw what he had done. A cut was marking his forearm, blood flooding out of it. His hand which was holding the blade must have slipped while he had been asleep. Being a new blade it had easily cut through the flesh in Charlie’s forearm.

“Charlie! Talk to me! Can you hear me?”, Don asked, yet it was rather a desperate shout to Charlie.

Charlie wasn’t sure if this was a dream or reality. He felt weak and exhausted. And all of a sudden he doubted that this cut had happened accidentally.

“Leave me...”, Charlie managed to say and rested his head against the edge of the bed. Why was Don here? What did he want?

He felt the blade was taken out of his hand and thrown into the bathroom, he could hear it clatter onto the tiled floor. Don’s arms were slinging around his body and he was pulled up on the bed. He stretched out his arms and legs and lay still. Had the cut been deep? Was it life threatening? Did it matter if it was?

“Charlie, come on, wake up.”

Don’s voice in his head over and over again. Let it stop! Please, God! Let it stop!

The soft smacks on Charlie’s cheeks were effective and he slowly regained consciousness. Don was examining his arm, his touch burned on Charlie’s skin. He heard Don sigh out with relief.

“It’s not deep, I’ll get the bandage.”

Charlie saw Don stand up and head for a drawer. He took out a white roll and a little, brown bottle, and sat down on the bed next to Charlie again.

“Will you tell me now what happened?”, Don asked as he took care of Charlie’s injured arm.

“No.”, Charlie whispered. Don was wearing a white shirt and jeans. He looked so amazing. Charlie closed his eyes again.

“Hey! Stay with me! Don’t fall asleep!”

Charlie whimpered as Don dripped a few drops of iodine on the wound.

“Sorry. I hurts a bit. It’s over soon.”

No, this pain will never go over.

Nothing was said then until Don finished treating Charlie’s injury. Charlie felt Don’s look on him.

“Stop it, Don.”, he finally said.

“Stop what?”

“Stop staring at me.” Charlie didn’t even have the strength to shout. “I don’t understand you, Don.”

Maybe now was the time to let out everything, to speak out freely what had been on Charlie’s mind for too long.

“Why the conversations? Why the looks? Why the consulting jobs? Why all this when you don’t love me anymore?”

He heard Don sucking air in very fast.

“You said you didn’t want me back. Did you ever have me, Don? Did you ever want me? Adore me? Love me?”

Charlie was still looking away, not wanting to face his brother. He was so tired of pretending, so tired of all of this.

“Just...go away, Don.”

And he did. Charlie felt Don stand up, the pressure on the mattress diminished, and he heard Don walking away. Charlie curled into a ball, pressing his knees to his chest. Why hadn’t the wound been deeper? He tried not to shake violently when tears came streaming down his face. Yet he could not hide the sobs and fast breaths.

Charlie jumped slightly in shock as he heard the door being shut closed. He tried to suppress his crying for a moment, eyes big, and turned his head. Don was standing in front of the closed door.

“Charlie, I have to tell you something.”


“Donny! Thought you were at work?”

Alan comes in wearing an expression of positive surprise on his face.

“No, we worked that case out earlier than we thought.”, Don answers, putting the paper aside and rearranging himself on the couch. “Thanks to Charlie I guess.”

He smiles and hands his Dad a beer as he sits down next to Don in the armchair.

“He’s helping you a lot, isn’t he?”

“Yeah, people get saved faster now.”, Don says and keeps his smile. “Where were you anyway?”

“I...erm...I had a date. Donna, that caterer.”

“Woah, Dad, that’s like your fourth date now!”

“Won’t be the last.”, Alan continues and winks at his son. “What about yourself? Thought you were getting along with that prosecutor?”

“Nadine? Well...Yeah, I think so.”, Don finally replies. He won’t let his father see how tough this is actually. Being with Charlie has meant to give up a life he has know till now. Secrets and lies are a daily routine since he and Charlie have got to together.

“That’s good.” Alan sighs, apparently satisfied with this answer. “You know, I sometimes wish your mother could have seen you boys having girlfriends, getting married, and eventually starting families on your own.”

Don doesn’t respond to that, instead he plays with the sticker on the beer bottle he’s holding.

“Don’t get me wrong, Don, I am not blaming you. It just...I mean, you seemed to get along with Kim so well. Your mother and I we both hoped that you two would stay together forever.” Alan ads a sad laugh.

“Well, guess you were wrong.”, Don suddenly says a bit harsh without even thinking. He realizes it, however, at once. “Sorry, Dad.” He rubs a hand over his face. “I also wish Mum was there to see us having families.”


Charlie had sat up by the time Don ended his story. He was still standing at the door, immovable, frozen. His lips had been moving, yet his eyes had been fixed on a point somewhere on his bed. He was not looking at Charlie even now.

“That was the reason?”, Charlie finally asked. His face was covered in tears from before, yet now it was also mingled with an expression of shock and pure disbelief.

“I had no choice, Charlie. What about Dad? What about Mum’s wish? Charlie, families? We can never have one when we are together! I mean...”, Don’s voice broke.

Charlie was staring at his older brother. He never had seen him so fragile than in this very moment.

“I thought when I told you I didn’t love you, you would finally come back to your senses. This cannot work, Charlie. You’ve got the logical brain here. Think!”

Charlie’s chest hurt again, it stung badly. Don was right, of course he was. How could he ever be able to make his father happy when the only person he ever really adored and loved was his own brother? The man he wasn’t supposed to call his own.

“I don’t care.”

“What?” Don looked up.

“I love you, Don. You know that. And I am certain you love me back. I can’t promise there won’t be hard times, but there will also be good ones to which we can hold on.”

Charlie was not quite sure what he was saying was clear to Don but to him it finally seemed to make sense. Everything. The rude words, the absence, the lack of conversation, the new boyfriend...

Realization hit Charlie like lighting. There was still Ian. Don had moved on. Charlie hadn’t.

“I’m sorry, Don. I forgot about Ian.”

Charlie slowly started climbing out of the bed, but suddenly strong hands pushed him down so that he sat on the edge of the bed.

“Ian is Kim’s brother.”, he heard Don say, all at once voice confident and clear. “I was showing him around.” He paused shortly. “Truth is, Charlie, I never wanted to leave you in the first place. I was forced. I was thinking about Dad.”

A frustrated sigh went through the room.

“Don?”

Charlie looked at the man in front him, kneeling, head down, hands on Charlie’s shoulders, keeping him down and seated.

“I want you back.”

As if all tension suddenly had exploded with a blast, Don let out a deep breath before falling into Charlie’s open arms. His head was pressing against his younger brother’s chest, soaking his shirt with tears. Charlie stroked Don’s spine, his head resting on Don’s, whispering soothing words. Don at last locked his eyes with Charlie’s and their lips clashed together. At first gentle and tender, the kiss got fiercer as the need in both men increased. It had been so long, too long, since their lips had met, since their tongues had caressed each other. The reunion was so perfect to Charlie, he felt like coming home. It all felt so familiar, he had missed Don’s touch and mouth. Now he had it all back.

“Never again.”, Charlie whispered as their kiss slowly came to an end.

“Never again.”, Don repeated and sealed his promise with a kiss.

Charlie knew that the problems they had weren’t going to disappear into thing air, they would always be a big part of their relationship. Maybe eventually they would figure out a way to make it work and make their father happy. But all doubts and fears had gone away the moment Don had made his promise, and this time, Charlie knew, he would keep it.