Uncertainties

Spoiler Warning: Up to "In Heaven Now Are Three"
Rating: NC-17
Archiving: Beka Valentine Fanfic Archive, fanfiction.net (all others, please ask).
Summary: Tyr shares his "wildest Nietzschean fantasies" with Beka.
Feedback: It's better than chocolate! Deanie@lisacaps.com
Author's note: This is a coda to "In Heaven Now Are Three," therefore takplacplace immediately after the episode. It's also a sequel to my first Andromeda story, "Uncertainties." If you haven't read it, you need to know that Tyr and Beka shared a kiss after "Dance of the Mayflies," but backed off and agreed to be "just friends."
Many thanks to: Shaz, my alpha reader, for reassuring me every step of the way. Nay and Val, for the second opinions. And to my wonderful beta-readers, Heather-Anne, and Mary Rose, I couldn't have done it without you.

****

Fantasies
By Deanie
April 2002

The night stretched out before him, bringing endless minutes of solitary torment. Tyr stared at the ceiling, his super-human vision counting the faint imperfections in the finish, in a vain attempt to induce sleep. Still, he remained awake, restless, unable to fall into slumber. Every time he closed his eyes he imagined Beka's face etched with ecstasy as she writhed beneath him.
These days, Beka constantly haunted him. Before their magnificent kiss that night on the observation deck, he'd been able to put aside his thoughts of her. He pretended that he didn't want her, didn't dream about her wrapping her long legs around his waist and...

Troanroaned, rolling out of bed to pull on his pants. He quickly laced up his boots, ready to get out of this increasingly confining room. He had to go somewhere, do something, anything to keep himself from thinking about her.

Swearing, he yanked a tank top from the chair as he stormed out of the room. Lately, every thought was of her. He'd spent the week of shore leave on the ship, alone with only the ship's holographic avatar for company. He should have enjoyed the solitude, relished the quiet without Trance's prophecies and Harper's endless chatter. Instead, he had tried to read, all the while thinking how lonely the ship was without the sound of her voice. Still, he didn't leave the ship. He hadn't had a destination in mind when he had been packing to leave earlier. He'd only used shore leave as an excuse to escape from her "friendly" overtures and fake smiles. She could convince herself she didn't want him, but he knew better. He'd spent the time thinking of Beka, of her starring role in his "wildest Nietzschean fantasies." Ever since she had mentioned his fantasies he had dreamt of her.

Beka had spent the time on Shintaida with Trance and Dylan. Without him, all because the formerly purple girl had predicted his death if he accompanied them. Instead, the woman he had been dreaming about had been with another man -- Dylan. He'd heard their tales when they had returned. Even with Trance along, he could visualize Beka and Dylan together. Roaming through the forests during the intoxicating heat of the day; sleeping inches away from his prone body in the thick jungle; fighting side by side, feeling the adrenaline rushing through their veins; trapped in a dark room with no one but each other.

He growled. She never should have gone away with their captain. Beka belonged with him, not Dylan. She was his.

Tyr stopped in the hallway, his body quivering with effort as he barely resisted the urge to put his fist through the corridor wall. Beka wasn't his. More importantly, she didn't want to be his. She wanted to be "friends." Fack! As if he could ever view her platonically again. He couldn't keep up this "friendly" charade much longer. One taste of her honeyed sweetness and he was addicted, desperate for another bite.

He continued down the hallway, pausing whe ree realized where he was heading. Subconsciously he was going to the scene of the crime - the observation deck.

****

On the Obs deck, Beka stood in front of the viewscreen, leaning on the railing and staring out at the stars. She sighed. She'd had far too many sleepless nights lately, starting after the Bokor invasion. They hadn't been all bad, though, as during one of those endless nights she'd planned the Shintaida expedition. Going halfway across the galaxies to find a supposedly mythological artifact must have initially been a sleep-deprived delusion. But as the idea took shape, she had begun to believe finding it was possible. It would be a brand new mission for her old crew - she, Trance and Harper would find the Engine of Creation. They hadn't done anything together on their own since before Rev left, and she really missed the camaraderie.

She hadn't wanted to tell anyuntiuntil her plans were finalized, afraid td scd scoff at her seeming insanity. By the time she was ready to reveal her scheme, Harper was gone, talking Rommie on an "educational" trip to Albuquerque Drift. Which left Beka with two options - Dylan or Tyr.

In a way, Dylan had been the safe option. He was her friend and would never be anything more. He didn't threaten her peace of mind like Tyr did.

In an operational sense, though, Dylan was exactly the wrong choice. He was Captain Terrific, always the hero. Like she'd feared, he had taken over. He'd run roughshod over her mission and when she'd called him on it, he'd made it out to be her problem, not his. True, the job had been a success, and they now held the Engine of Creation in their hands, but it had been her mission, her idea, her dream.

Professionally, things would have been easier if Tyr had come along instead of Dylan. While he was by no means a follower, he would have respected her right to create her own destiny. Emotionally, the risk with Tyr was much higher. Ever since that night on Obs deck when they had shared that spectacular kiss, she couldn't help seeing Tyr in a different light. She'd almost been afraid to ask him, worried about what would happen between the two of them. He'd made her feel exquisite sensations, far beyond anything she'd ever felt before.

Despite the temptation, she'd wanted to take him with her to Shintaida, relished the idea of spending long days and nights isolated in the jungle with only Trance as chaperone. Despite her best intentions to keep their relationship strictly platonic, the thought of a deeper relationship with Tyr made her shiver with anticipation. Spending time in the wilds of the alien planet would have altered their relationship forever, but Beka had been willing to risk it.

Then Trance brought up her knowledge of the future and everything changed. She'd known her quest was potentially danus, us, but when Trance said Tyr would die if he came along... Beka couldn't be responsible for that. She didn't want to be responsible for anyone's death, especially not Tyr's. She'd already lost too many people she... Don't go there, Bek.

Suddenly, she was exhausted. Not in a ready-to-go-to-sleep kind of way, but in a bone-deep, soul-weary way. She didn't want to have to deal with her feelings for Tyr right now, on top of everything else going on in their lives. Turning around, she slid down the wall to sit on the ground.

Complications. She had to keep sight of the complications. Nietzschean-Human relationships. Sex with co-workers. Seeing him every day when the relationship ended. Focus on that, Beka, she reminded herself. Not on the incredible way he made you feel.

If her memories weren't bad enough, she'd sabotaged herself with her own words. "Wildest Nietzschean fantasies." She'd meant to tempt him into going with her, lure him with promises of money and excitement. Instead, she'd tempted him with something else entirely. She'd seen the flash in his eyes as she'd mentioned it, felt the answering warmth race through her body. She'd known in an instant that his wildest fantasies weren't about fame or fortune - his wildest fantasies were about her.

She knew exactly how he felt, too, because he'd been starring in her wildest fantasies for a long time, and since their kiss her daydreams had spun out of control. She couldn't stop thinking about him. Even throughout the trip to Shintaida the desire lingered in the back of her mind. When she was lying in the jungle she imagined him lying next to her. She'd even imagined him trapped with her in that cell, uncertain if it would be their last night alive.

Her body grew tingly thinking about it. Even now, knowing a relationship between the two of them was impossible, she still wanted him. Knowing how hot hiuth uth was as he kissed her, how hard his body was as he held her, she couldn't help dwelling on the possibilities. She wanted to taste his musky scent as his tongue dueled with hers, rip the cold chain mail off his body, trace her hands over his muscular chest before kissing her way down his abdomen. Her nipples grew hard imagining his hands on her body. She wanted to strip off his tight leather pants, and...

****

As he entered the observation deck Tyr spied Beka sitting curled up on the floor, her head back and her eyes closed. He noticed her fast breathing and increased body temperature. Either she was upset or...aroused? Looking closely, she appeared to be turned on. She hadn't noticed him yet, caught up in her apparent fantasies. One question remained. Was she thinking of him, or Dylan?

"Beka?"

She looked up, startled to find the object of her affections in front of her, as if she had conjured him out of her imagination. "Tyr?" She was breathless, her pupils dilated and skin flushed. Beka clenched her hands at her sides to keep them from reaching out for him. Friends. We're friends. She silently repeated it like a mantra, desperately hoping she could make herself believe it. Closing her eyes, she took deep breaths before rising to her feet. "What are you doing up?"

She was clearly aroused and trying to fight it. He wanted to ask her whom she had been fantasizing about, but apprehension kept him silent. His fantasies had been tormenting him to the point of no return. He wanted her more than he'd ever wanted anyone or anything. If she said she wanted Dylan, he didn't know what he would do. "Couldn't sleep."

"Seems like a lot of that going around." Whew. Conversation. Friends. She could do this. She just had to breathe slowly and concentrate on what he was saying, instead of the way his voice made her insides turn to mush.

"Wandering through the jungles of Shintaida and fighting an adversary in a potentially deadly battle wasn't enough to exhaust you?" He looked pointedly into her eyes. "Or perhaps your expedition wasn't all that you were hoping it would be?"

"It was." She straightened and began to pace. "We did it. We used the map from the Hegemon's Heart to find the Engine of Creation. We found a legendary artifact with the power to rearrange space and time. The mission was a success." She forced a smile. "It's only a matter of time before we figure out how to activate it."

"If the mission was a success, then why aren't you happy?"

He always could see right through my façade, she grinned ruefully. She couldn't tell him she'd been fantasizing about making love to him and didn't know if she was strong enough to resist the real-life temptation, so she said the first thing that came to mind. "Dylan."

Dylan? Tyr faltered. He had his answer now. Beka had been thinking about Dylan. All this time, he had been envisioning Beka as his mate, and she wanted Dylan. Did their kiss mean nothing to her? Disappointed, frustrated, and angry, he didn't know what to say. Did he tell her how he felt, fight for her love, or would she merely laugh at his presumptions?

Given the subject and the outlet, she had no problem deflecting the subject so she wouldn't break down and confess her feelings for the man before her. "Dylan. I can't believe him! This was supposed to be my mission. I was in charge. I had a plan, a good plan. But no. He had to take over. He had to be the hero. We succeeded, but that doesn't make everything okay. Just because he's my friend and my captain doesn't mean he can walk all over me."

"Walk...all over you?" Was he hearing her correctly? She was mad at Dylan? Not fantasizing about having him as her lover?

"Yes, walk all over me." Tyr had a very strange look on his face. What was he thinking? He was usually the one person who would understand about her problems with Dylan's controlltendtendencies.

Mad. She'd made him crazy with desire, kissing him senseless and then saying she only wanted to be friends. Climbing all over him and then backing off because she didn't think a relationship between the two of them was viable. As if he were some sort of quixotic dreamer who couldn't comprehend the reality of their differences. He had thought long and hard about foregoing his Nietzschean beliefs before considering her as his mate. Then she tempted him with talk about his wildest fantasies, subsequently leaving him to run off and play with Dylan. She was in his head, his heart, his soul to the point he was unable to think of anything else and she was standing in front of him talking about how she was mad at Dylan.

"Dylan? You're standing here talking about how you're mad at Dylan?"

Beka took a step backward. He looked mad, furious even. She'd barely said a word to him since they returned from Shintaida. How could she have said or done something... "Tyr, what's wrong?"

"Wrong? I will tell you what is wrong... your ill-conceived idea that we are just friends. You letting your insecurities drive you away from me."

Beka stared at him, unsure of what had just happened. She'd been talking, and suddenly he was livid. This was a side of Tyr she'd never seen before; at least, she hadn't seen his fury directed at her. She felt hunted, like a deer stalked by a lion. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. She felt the railing of the viewscreen at her back, and shivered, as he kept advancing.

"You ask me to go with you, then change your mind and leave me behind? I am not so easily discarded."

"Trance said..."

"I don't care what the future girl said."

"I was trying to..."

"You tempt me with talk of my wildest Nietzschean fantasies? Well, let me tell you, they do not involve treasure hunting with Trance." His predatory smirk was anything but reassuring. "Would you like me to tell you my fantasies?"

She jumped as he brought his arms down on the railing, trapping her between them. She was in trouble. Under normal circumstances he was faster and stronger than she was, and in his enraged state... Not only was she at his mercy, but she was becoming oddly turned on. Tyr's aggressive side was incredibly sexy. She gulped. He wouldn't really hurt her... would he?

"My wildest Nietzschean fantasies?" He leaned in, his face inches away from hers. "You, naked, buckinf thf the ground, writhing beneath me. Me inside of you, riding you so hard and so fast you can't remember your own name. Plunging into you, over and over again until you're so exhausted you can't even move. And then starting it all over again."

Beka closed her eyes, gasping for breath. She was instantly hot, wet and ready. She was halfway to climax just listening to his words. She put one hand on his chest to steady herself as he captured her lips.

Tyr grabbed her, pulling her tightly against him as he plundered her mouth. She wrapped her legs around his waist as he lifted her up, pushing her back against the viewscreen and bringing her center into contact with his bulging erection through the fabric of their pants.

"Tyr!" she cried as his mouth left hers. Her body was aflame; she couldn't control her desire. She had to have him now. "Please."

"You want me? Now?" he growled in her ear, not at all appeased by her response to him. "I haven't finished telling you about my fantasies." He ground his pelvis into hers, making her scream with pleasure. "I want to rip that shirt off of you and touch every inch of your body. I want to taste your mouth, your neck, your breasts, and bite you, marking you forever as mine. I want to strip your pants off, touch inside you, bring you just to the edge of climax over and over again, but never let you fall until you're so mindless with longing you're begging me to take you. Only then will I come inside you, again and again until my desire is sated."

Beka couldn't think. Her world was reduced to the sound of his voice and the incredible sensations he was making her feel. "Tyr, please, I need you." She was so close, ready to come, desperate for completion.

Swearing, he pushed her away and stalked across the room.

Sobbing, Beka slid to the ground, png hng her arms around her. She was boneless, shaky, incoherent.

Tyr stood with his back to her, gasping for breath. He hadn't meant to let things go this far. He'd underestimated the power of their desire and nearly lost all control.

Unsteadily Beka climbed to her feet. How could he have... "You bastard. Was that supposed to be some kind of revenge? Get me so hot I'm begging for you and then dump me?"

He winced. She was right, he'd been a real bastard. He hadn't just been aggressive, he'd been cruel. He never wanted to hurt her, only make her see what he felt. He cringed away from his own motives. Okay, maybe he'd wanted to hurt her a little, pay her back for how crazy she had made him feel, which wasn't fair to her. Beka hadn't been doing it on purpose, hadn't been trying to hurt him. She just didn't know what she wanted - or rather, she knew, but couldn't admit it to herself.

"You really are a piece of work, Anasazi. You claim to care about me then treat me like this. What am I now, your whore?" She was still shaking, both with anger and desire. Worst of all, despite his heartless behavior, she still wanted him. She felt tears welling up and fought not to let them fall.

He turned around, and slowly took a step towards her.

"Don't touch me!" She put her arm up. "Just stay away." Breaking down, she couldn't hold back the tears.

"Beka." Tyr was repulsed by his own behavior, shocked that he could have been so cruel towards his intended mate. "It wasn't supposed to have gone that far...I just wanted to show you..."

"Show me? What an ass you are?" Now she was crying in earnest, for how she felt, and the relationship with Tyr that could never be. She cried for all the times she had tried to love, all the men that couldn't be who she needed them to be. She cried for the waste her romantic life had been and the isolation she saw in her future.

She fought against him as he pulled her into his arms, but her strength was gone. Weakly, she sagged against him, weeping. She needed someone to lean on, if only for a moment.

Dammit. When had she become such a wimp? How could she let him treat her this way? Gathering her energy, she pushed him back, but still couldn't bring herself to meet his eyes. "I refuse to let you treat me this way. I don't care what your intentions were. It's wrong."

Looking up, she was startled to see tears in his eyes. Tyr, crying?

"I'm sorry," he said softly. "I never meant to treat yike ike a whore. I lost control, stopped thinking." He stepped back even farther, crossing his arms across his chest. He had to get away from her while he could still hold onto his control. "It won't happen again." He turned around and walked towards the exit of the Obs deck.

She stared after him. She'd never expected him to apologize. "Wait," she called.

He stopped, but didn't turn around.

"I...I don't want to end things like this."

As he moved to face her, she saw the pain etched on his face. What were they doing to each other?

"Beka..."

They stumbled forward until they were caught in each other's arms.

"Beka, I'm so sorry," he murmured into her hair. "I never meant to hurt you like that."

"I'm sorry too," she confessed. "I didn't stop to think about how denying what's between us was making you feel."

They stood, in the dark light of the viewscreen, clutching each other as if their lives depended on their closeness.

"What are we going to do about us?" she asked.

"We can't keep denying what we feel," he cautioned.
guesguess we have to go forward."

"'Forward' meaning...?"

"We take things one step at a time and see what happens? I know it's not the Nietzschean way to do things, but I think it's all I'm capable at this time. Can you live with that?"

Could he risk everything, knowing that Beka may not be his in the end? Then again, how could he not take the chance of a future with her as his mate. Slowly, Tyr nodded. "As long as we try."

Beka pulled him closer for a tentative hug. "We try."

Hug ended, she pulled back. "I think we've both had enough for one night. I'm going back to the Maru and try to get some sleep." She reached down to grasp his hand in her own. "Walk me home?"

Hand in hand, they exited the observation deck.