Dichotomy

 

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Beta'd by the most amazing Tenchi. Love you, woman!

 

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Chapter 2

 

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Standing there, stunned, all Sam could do was sputter while looking at Cas with wide eyes. Seriously, he didn't think there was anything that the angel could have done to blindside him more than he had with that kiss. Mind whirling all over the place, he just stared at the angel, trying to figure out where it had come from then what it meant.

 

Looking intently at the younger Winchester, Cas wasn't sure what to say to him. The impulse was something he had just gone with, not thinking it over like he had so many things in the past. And, truthfully? He liked it! He had heard discussions about what kissing felt like when he had listened to conversations between humans. At the time, he didn't understand what the attraction seemed to be. Even from his own vessel's memories, he didn't think it could inspire the good feelings he had heard about. Well, now he knew that was wrong! In fact, if anything, everything he had heard about it was understated! He had never felt anything so pleasurable in his long life. Though having a vessel, not a real body of his own, he found the one he occupied had responded to the kiss as well. Jimmy's flesh had risen slightly, not much, but it was there, at the sensations, feeding off what he was feeling about it. Now, well, he was wondering about other things he had overheard discussed when it came to human sexuality.

 

Hearing Sam sputter, seeing the obvious confusion on his face, Cas felt that he probably should explain what was going on, but he was feeling that impulse once more. Stepping closer, he pulled Sam into another kiss, pressing tightly to his body as he did. Hand sliding into the younger Winchester's hair, he held him there, despite feeling how tense he was. He could sense confusion in Sam, a lot of it, feeling how tense he was, but continued on. Eventually, before he left, he would explain why he was doing it. For now, though, he just wanted to feel the sensations.

 

Stunned, Sam stood there, stiff as a board, not sure what the hell to do. Cas, despite being quite a bit smaller, was strong as hell and kept him in place. Along with that, he didn't know what the hell to make of the angel kissing him. And, seriously, there was nothing the least bit chaste about the kiss! Hell, the only thing he hadn't done up to that point was feel him up and slip him the tongue! Nor did he know where the hell it was coming from either!

 

After what seemed like an eternity to the angel, one where he experienced more pleasure than he had for as long as he could remember, Cas broke off the kiss then stepped back again.

 

Panting, wide-eyed, Sam looked at him then asked once more, “What the hell, Cas? Where did that come from?”

 

“That was most pleasurable,” Cas told him simply. Though, honestly, he didn't have the right descriptive words to articulate the feelings that were still running riotously through his system after that. Nor, honestly, was he even going to try. Instead, he just looked at Sam. The look of panic that was beginning to show on the younger Winchester's face was enough to tell him that he probably needed to start explaining some things. However, he was finding it rather hard to speak at the moment. He doubted that he could articulate what he needed to calm Sam down.

 

Backing away, not sure what the hell was going on, Sam just stared at Cas. Now, seriously, of all the things that the angel could have done, kissing him wasn't one he had even considered. Now, well, he was not only confused as hell but wasn't sure what to do! “Cas, dude, you can't just do that to someone! What brought it on?”

 

Stepping closer, something that had Sam backing up some more, an increasingly stressed look on his face, Cas told him, “Though it may seem odd, I find you quite attractive, Sam. In many ways, actually.”

 

Back peddling some more, Sam said, “What brought this on? I mean, dude... you don't just go about telling someone you like them that way! You have to kind of ease into it. Especially when they don't have a clue what's going on or that you feel such a way!”

 

“Yes, subtlety. I do understand that's how most humans go about such things. I'm just not good at doing that,” Cas admitted, stopping his advancing. He could feel the stress and uneasiness rolling off Sam and figured he better quit before he made it worse.

 

“Yeah, well, I've noticed that about you,” Sam admitted, taking a couple more steps back to make sure there was plenty of space between the two of them. “Dude, you have to warn a person when you're going to spring something like that on them! I mean, damn!”

 

“I didn't assume it would be an issue, Sam,” Cas told him, keeping a level tone. “I know you like men as well as women, so it shouldn't be as big of a shock to you that a male feels that way about you.”



Stopping cold, Sam looked at Cas, eyes widening, a flush starting to stain his face, “Um... dude? How do you know that? I sure didn't tell you! And I doubt Dean knows!” After a couple seconds, it hit him just who he was talking to. Groaning, scrubbing a hand over his face, he muttered, “Forget I asked. I get it now. Seriously though...” trailing off, he didn't know what to say beyond that. As it was, he wasn't getting any real answers to anything so asking more questions probably wasn't going to improve anything and they wouldn't be answered either.

 

Staying right where he was, Cas was now unsure how to proceed. The intricacies of dealing with humans, and how they saw things, was going to hold him back from fully explaining things. It appeared this was an area where he should have observed more before launching into things, as he had gone about it the wrong way. With Sam being different, he assumed that he could go about things in a more direct manner. It hadn't worked that way, however. “I do believe I was in error in going about things this way, Sam. I'm just not adept at the human courting rituals and felt a more direct approach in going for what I wanted was the best.”

 

Looking at the angel, Sam fought the urge to keep backing away. However, this was Cas. What was said explained why he had gone about it that way. Cas didn't get things when it came to humans. Nor would he know how to go about things to get something like that across. Hell, humans had problems doing that. No way Cas could manage.

 

Letting out a deep sigh, he looked back at the angel, seeing him standing there, brow furrowed, obviously worried about something. “Alright, I get it. You didn't know how. For future reference, you need to try to get it across some other way, alright? 'Cause no one reacts well to being blindsided by something like that out of the blue.”

 

Nodding, Cas told him, “I will keep that in mind for the future.”

 

Looking down, Sam saw the bed right next to him so he seated himself then looked at the angel, still wary, “Alright, Cas, explain this part to me. What is it you want?”

 

Taking that to mean, though not completely calm over the whole thing, Sam was at a level where rational discussion could happen, Cas seated himself on the other bed, facing him. Looking intently at the younger Winchester, he reiterated, “I find you attractive in the way humans seem to when they want a relationship with someone.”

 

Sighing, eyes growing larger, Sam looked down at the worn carpeting on the floor. “That is... hell, I don't know what that is, Cas! What brought it on? I mean, if what you told me is true, I’m like the enemy.”

 

“This is confusing, yes,” Cas nodded, brow furrowed. “As I explained in the other part, I don't view you as the adversary in this. Just as someone that has been forced down a path by means of both sides wanting something. The attraction part I can't explain. I suppose it's rather like how humans find a partner. You don't always choose who you're attracted to. Instead, it finds you then you take it from there.”

 

“Alright, that I can understand,” Sam nodded. Letting out a nervous laugh, he said, “Dude, this is strange, you gotta admit that!”

 

“I will concede that, yes,” Cas nodded. Looking intently at the younger man, he added, “However, it's something I want.”

 

“I mean, I've read stories of angels and humans before. Especially since this all kicked off. It never ends well, though.”

 

“This is true,” Cas nodded. “Though I have not heard of a relationship with a male, it's always been with the female, they are frowned upon. In the end, it's always resulted in the angel being cut off from heaven. However, it's been centuries since that's taken place. Father isn't around and the others of my kind are more involved in trying to start this war than they are being on the lookout for such things. I believe that, plus the protections I can put into place, will safeguard me from any retribution. Not to mention that there will be no progeny coming from such a thing. If I remember correctly, it was that my kind feared more than anything because of the power of such beings.”

 

Taking all that in, Sam nodded. Looking at the floor, he thought it over then asked, tone distracted, “You're willing to risk the consequences just for a relationship?”

 

“I am. Provided you're willing,” Cas told him with a nod, intense look on his face.

 

Chuckling nervously, Sam shook his head but told the angel, “Dude, you’re not my usual type. I tend to go for something... very different from you.”

 

“Yes, I know. Your chosen tends to be like Dean in both looks and personality,” Cas admitted with a nod. “However, that doesn't mean that it can't work, Sam. Or that we shouldn't try.”

 

Giving an anxious glance at the angel at the mention of his type being like his brother, Sam didn't comment on that and tried to push it aside. “You're right. There is no reason one can't step away from their normal type.”

 

Leaning forward, looking intent once more, Cas asked him, “Does that mean you're willing to consider it?”

 

“Consider, yes,” Sam replied, looking back at the angel. “Just, dude, don't push so fast. You'll freak me out doing that, alright? Let's start slow and go from there then see where it takes us.” Sam, on his end, was wondering about his sanity in agreeing to even try. With both factions of this pissing contest gearing up for the worst then Dean being, well, Dean and having problems, this probably wasn't the wisest thing he could do. Nor was it like he was attracted to Cas in some way. Hell, he hadn't even thought about anything in that way with the angel. What he was, though, was intrigued. Cas was strange, well, at least according to the standards of a human. He was also intelligent, a riot, though that wasn't something he meant to be, and fun to be around because he could be so clueless. In the end, he could see the merits of exploring such a thing with him. It would just be odd was all.

 

Looking relieved, Cas relaxed then nodded. “Yes, slower might be a good thing. As I'm not accustomed to anything such as this, it might be wise to start out that way. For that, I'll need your help, I assume.”

 

“Ah, yeah, I think that's something I can do,” Sam nodded, smiling a little.

 

“Alright, where do we start with it?” Cas inquired, looking intent. He was pleased that Sam was willing to give it a try. Though his first step with it wasn’t a good one, he planned to make sure he didn't do it again.

 

“Well, generally, people start out talking, trying to get to know each other.”

 

Nodding, understanding that concept, Cas asked, “Alright. What do you talk about?”

 

Grinning, shaking his head, Sam explained, “All kinds of things, Cas. Whatever comes to mind.”

 

“That doesn't sound like it would spur things on and lead to anything. This is more complicated than it seems,” Cas observed, looking down, brow furrowed.

 

“Oh, yes!” Sam laughed.

 

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Sitting at the bar in the local dive, Dean was sipping at his beer, eyes glued on the TV. As they were running a game of some kind, he could easily tune it out the way he couldn't the news anymore. That was fine, what he wanted. Though he let his brother think that he was out chasing tail like he usually did, he wasn't in the mood for that. Sure, as always happened, he fielded a couple offers for such a thing. A quick thanks, no thanks was all it took though. Something in him, the part of him that had chased the female of the species since the time he had discovered what fun they could be was screaming about that but he shoved it aside. He had more important things on his mind he needed to work with right now that a bout of sex wasn't in the offing.

 

Sighing, he looked at the beat up, scratched bar surface, not really seeing it. Right now, as happened so much anymore, his mind was on what happened in hell and his brother. Since both were interconnected at this point, it wasn't a fun thing to deal with.

 

Scrubbing a hand over his face then through his hair, he polished off what remained in his glass then signaled for another one. When it was placed in front of him, he took another drink. As he was well aware from times past, drinking didn't help him cope with his problems. Most times, when he was dealing with something serious, they actually tended to make it worse. As the issues he was dealing with where highly emotional in nature, not to mention guilt charged, the booze wasn't helping a damned bit. The only thing he was going for was drunk enough so he could pass out and sleep. That was the only thing that seemed to help anymore. The dreams that came from that...no, they didn't make things better, but it was better than being awake and dealing with the memories.

 

Eyes locked on the bar, his stomach was curdling with guilt over so much. Then there was added in what was happening in the world because of him. On top of that, there was worry about his brother. Whatever happened when he was in the pit made Sam seem like a stranger. Something was going on there, though he didn't know what, but he had a bad feeling about it. Then there were the angels. That faction unnerved him more than any other with this and he didn't know why.

 

Well, honestly, he supposed the angelic faction bothered him because they knew what he did in hell. For him, he considered that a big failure. He had broken. On top of that, he was sure that they knew what was used to get him there as well. It had been his most intimate thoughts about his brother, ones he never revealed to anyone, that had been used against him then broken him. He was certain, with some things that had been mentioned to him here and there, that the angels knew all about that. Especially Cas. He was finding it hard enough to deal with such things, but having another being know? That made it worse. Of course, they, but especially Cas, hadn't said anything directly to him about those things, but it was there. He hated that the angels seemed to know about things he had kept buried for so long. It felt like an intimate invasion of some kind, one that was too intrusive for comfort. He didn't like it but wasn't going to ask just how much they knew either, nor was he going to even mention it to them, hoping they wouldn't ever bring it up.

 

Without wanting to and his mind not even giving him a chance to fight it off, his thoughts turned to Sam. No, they didn't go to trying to figure out the issues with his brother and what he might be up to, more like his own issues with Sam from a personal level. Frown marring his face, he downed the rest of his beer, tossed some money on the bar then left. No, he wasn't going to go back to the room, but he needed to be away from people to deal with this.

 

Piling into his baby, he drove off, not sure where he was heading. Finally, after just turning here and there, he found a small, quiet park that was, of course, dead this time of night. Pulling in, he killed the lights and engine then just sat there. Shutting his eyes, he leaned back and groaned. He hated this shit! Over thinking everything was Sam's thing, not his! Nor was he into that whole self introspective thing. He couldn’t help it though. He knew he had to get this under control to do what was needed but to manage that, he had to think about it. Since he had spent most of his life avoiding thinking about such things and shoving them into a place in his mind that he kept tightly guarded, it wasn't something he wanted to do!

 

Slumping in the seat, he let out a soft, pained groan. He hated this shit. In the past, he had been able to shove this crap aside, forcing himself to not deal with it. Since coming back from hell, that wasn't the case. It was always there anymore and in his face every time he even glanced at his brother. He supposed, since it was the thing that broke him, that would be the case, but it didn't make it easy to deal with since he had to deal with the real Sam now.

 

Opening his eyes, he looked across the dark, empty playground and sighed. He supposed the big thing, something he tried to fool himself into thinking for so long, was that he wanted his brother in a less than brotherly way. Less than? That was bullshit. There was nothing brotherly about what he wanted to do to and with Sam, nothing at all. Since there had been a case of re-enacting some of what he wanted to do with Sam in hell, he could no longer shove that aside, move on and pretend it didn't exist. No, it was now in his face and every time he saw a certain look or gaze from his brother, what had happened would come back to him. Then the urge to do it once more was there. Since he had been there once, the fight to not do it again was hard.

 

Now, Dean was a realist about almost everything in his life. He would be the first to admit that their life, compared to 'normal' people, was fucked up. They did things that most would consider to be the height of 'bad', such as the killing. He had morals though and knew there were some lines one didn't cross in this lifetime. Doing something sexual with your brother was one of those bright ones. He kept telling himself that over and over but it didn't seem to help right now. The more he was with Sam, the more he wanted to. He was also dead bang certain that despite having self control, after that shit in hell, it wasn't going to hold out on him forever. That's what scared him to death. From what he knew of Sam, his brother was as straight as they got. Hell, he was moral about the quick lay shit and wanted something more involved. No, spreading them for a man, let alone his brother, probably wasn't going to be something his brother would do. Nor did he even want to listen to the lecture, let alone see the horrified look he would get, if something like that was mentioned. Complete and utter freak out, followed by Sam exiting out of his life very quickly would come to pass if he even hinted strongly at that. So, no, it wasn't happening.

 

Unable to stop himself, the older Winchester brother let out a snort of laughter over the whole thing. This sounded like one of those plots of the stories the fans wrote based on Chuck's novels. It was so surreal that even he couldn’t believe it and it would have to be fiction if he wasn't going through it. Though ironic, it wasn't really funny though, especially with the turmoil it was causing him. Shit, it was driving him nuts! Nor did he see a way around it.

 

Leaning forward, he let his head rest on the steering wheel, letting the cool feeling from it attempt to relax him. It wasn't going to work, he knew that, but he could try. However, considering the amount of time the two of them spent in this car, Sam was so associated with it that his thoughts immediately went in that direction. Then, of course, they took a sexual bend because of the things of that nature he had done with others in it. Shit! The whole thing was a no-win situation!

 

Whimpering in mental pain, Dean was horrified to realize that he was semi-hard over some of the visions his brain was chucking up for its own sadistic amusement. Now, come on, this plain wasn't right! It wasn't like he hadn't jerked off to visions of what he wanted to do to his brother, and vice versa, but he didn't need such shit right now! No, it was a form of torture is all it was, designed by his traitorous brain to push him towards doing something that he would regret for the rest of his life. And he couldn't let it happen! Banging his head on the steering wheel, mentally apologizing to his baby for hurting her, he tried to shift his thoughts to something that would be considered normal. It wasn't going to happen easily, he knew that, but he was going to try! If nothing else, he would fight the whole thing until he was so tired that he would be able to go back to the room and drop into bed then sleep without doing something that he would regret forever. As he had done this before, several times since coming back from hell, it was a plan he could deal with.

 

Leaning back in the seat, he began to run through everything he knew about the seals and what needed to be done to protect them. It was a complex enough subject that he hoped it would direct his thoughts away from his naked brother and exhaust him enough that he could go back to the room. It would take time, of course, but it was about all he had that would work at this point.

 

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