Casual

Casual

Chapter 2

 

Huang tossed and turned most of the night.  It was hard to sleep with so many distracting thoughts running through his mind.  (Not to mention his couch was not exactly comfortable for sleeping on) 

 

Why was Elliot even in his life?  He wasn’t naïve about casual sex by any means, but it wasn’t in his nature and it certainly wasn’t in Elliot’s either as far as he could tell.  So why were they doing this?

 

He didn’t realistically expect it to turn into anything more, although he did hope for it.  What they were doing didn’t feel casual or unattached sometimes.  Last night for instance. 

 

He knew Elliot was probably just using him to let off some steam, but was he so wrong for trying to read more into it?

 

They were too old for this.  How many people in their forties still have a fuck buddy?  If they could even be called that.  They were barely even friends.  They had little in common outside of work, and when they weren’t fucking, they were usually fighting. 

 

Stabler wasn’t even the type he would usually go for, except maybe in his fantasies.  Sure, he was tall, built and handsome, but he was also conservative, stubborn, supposedly heterosexual, and not exactly as refined as himself. 

 

His previous lover was a doctor he knew way back in med school.  They were together for fifteen years and their relationship was essentially smooth.  They were both educated and liberal.  But it was so…unexciting.  Something about Elliot just made him feel so alive. 

 

But it wasn’t all about the sex.  Not for Huang.  He knew there was something else there.  Perhaps he had some sort of fixing complex.  It certainly wasn’t unheard of for psychiatrists to become attached to people with mental or emotional problems, or even patients.  He had just never seen himself as the type. 

 

He was sympathetic, but also logical and he tended to gravitate towards men who had their shit together.  Yet there he was, falling for Elliot Stabler, and although the stubborn man would never admit it, he had a bundle of issues that Huang was just dying to dig into. 

 

As of yet, they had never really gotten into things like that.  He didn’t want to pry and risk scaring him away, especially since things between them were supposedly casual.   But he was at heart a psychiatrist, and sometimes he could read people like books without meaning to. 

 

Elliot was easy.  Of course there were his anger issues, but those were no secret.  Less well known was the fact that he was obviously going through some sort of sexual identity crisis, but Huang got the impression that that had been going on for quite some time. 

 

He would bet money he had had encounters with other males before him, because he sure knew what he was doing.  He couldn’t see him cheating on Kathy, so it was likely before they even met, although he couldn’t know for sure unless he would actually talk about it. 

 

Huang didn’t know when or if he would actually let him get close enough to find out, but as he lay on his couch attempting to get some sleep, he realized one thing: This whole arrangement was not going to continue unless he got something out of him. 

 

Elliot awoke in a bed that wasn’t his own.  He soon realized where he was, but something wasn’t right.  He was in George Huang’s bed, which wasn’t unusual, but he was also alone. 

 

He sat up and stretched.  He yawned.  What could the doc be doing so early on his day off?  He shrugged, wiped his eyes, and stumbled to the bathroom to shower before he located the owner of the apartment. 

 

He took his time in the shower, enjoying the sensation of hot water on his sore and weary muscles.  He emerged feeling awake and refreshed.  He walked lazily to the living room in sweatpants calling “George?’

 

His only answer was a slight stirring coming from the couch.  He moved towards the couch and tried waking him, calling again more insistently this time “George?”

 

The sleeping man groaned softly and instinctively curled up into a tighter ball in attempt to fit more of his body under the afghan that was barely keeping him warm, but remained sleeping until he was gently nudged awake. 

 

Elliot was a little perturbed, needless to say, that he would rather sleep on his not-so-comfortable couch with a blanket that was hardly a blanket, in the middle of winter than share a bed with him.  And just when he thought things were going well. 

 

He sighed, not looking forward to the conversation that was about to occur, but he asked anyway.

 

“Why are you sleeping on the couch, doc?  It’s freezing in here,”

 

Huang sat up slowly, not looking like he got much sleep the night before.  He stretched and ignored the crick in his neck from sleeping on the couch.  He shrugged.

 

“Why does it matter?” he replied, not really meaning to sound passive aggressive, but also not particularly caring at this point, and certainly not wanting to talk about it just yet. 

 

Stabler sat down next to him on the couch trying to assess the situation, but seconds later, Huang got up and suddenly decided to make coffee. 

 

Elliot rolled his eyes.  What could he possibly have done to deserve this kind of treatment?  And just as the other man was starting to grow on him. 

 

He grudgingly followed him into the kitchen and stood in the doorway, not really knowing what to say.  Huang went on with his task as if he wasn’t there, although he could feel himself being watched and it was a little disconcerting. 

 

Ever polite, he poured a cup for each of them.  Stabler accepted his cup and nodded his thanks.  The two of them stood in the kitchen for what seemed like a long time, neither of them verbally acknowledging the other, sipping coffee in awkward silence.

 

After what seemed like an eternity passed, Stabler finally said “Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?”

 

Huang nearly scoffed at the question.  When had Elliot EVER told him what was wrong?  Maybe he should just stick his dick in his mouth and make him guess like the other man usually did. 

 

He narrowed his eyes a little.  Some part of him wanted to ignore the question and continue the cold shoulder routine, but he wasn’t sure when another opportunity would actually arise to get his feelings out in the open, so he decided against it.   No need to get on his level, no matter how good it would feel. 

 

He took a deep breath and attempted to calm himself before speaking.  Elliot braced himself for a bombshell. 

 

“Why are we doing this?” Huang said, successfully appearing calm. Stabler just raised an eyebrow.

 

“And really think about it before you give me some bullshit answer,”

 

Why were they doing this?  Could he really say the truth out loud?  That he still missed Kathy even though it had been over a year and he wanted to kill himself every time he went home to an empty house?

 

That George fascinated him and drew him in like a moth to flame?  That he felt like God had abandoned him and he no longer felt the need to obey all of his stupid rules, so he might as well explore the other side of his sexuality now that he could?   Not even caring that he was undoing so many years of praying and repenting and ignoring his urges?

 

That George made him feel like he still had some sort of control when he felt so pathetic?

 

How could he say that out loud?  If he said it out loud, maybe it would become real.  But he felt like he was about to receive an ultimatum, and he didn’t know what he would do if he lost Kathy AND George.  Probably eat his gun.  It would be so easy.

 

Huang could see him struggling for words.  He felt a little guilty for putting him on the spot like this, but he still wanted his answer. 

 

Stabler finally forced himself to speak.  “You know I’m not good at talking about this kind of thing…”

 

Huang smiled bitterly.  “Yes, I know.  But why don’t you try for me?”

 

Elliot winced a little.  So he /had/ noticed!  “Okay…I’m doing this because I need to.  Honestly, I would probably be dead if I hadn’t started coming here,”

 

Huang’s eyes softened.  That was actually news to him.  He knew the detective was depressed, but he had no idea he had been having suicidal thoughts.  But he held in his surprise.  He was tempted to push for more details, but he would take what he could get for now. 

 

“You still haven’t told me what’s wrong, doc.  And why are YOU doing this?” Elliot pointed out in attempt to take some of the attention off of himself.  His heart was pounding in his chest.  It wasn’t often he said things like that out loud. 

 

This whole conversation seemed unreal.  He truly thought that Elliot would sooner leave and find another outlet then actually discuss their relationship. 

 

“I feel like this whole thing we have is one sided.  At first I did it because I wanted to help you.  In a not-so-professional way, I’ll admit,” he said dryly.  That earned him a chuckle from Elliot.   

 

“But now…I think I’m developing feelings for you and I feel like you could never have feelings for anyone but Kathy.  I don’t want this to end, but at the same time I doubt it’s going anywhere and I don’t think I can let it continue if I’m going to end up a casualty,”

 

Elliot felt a little winded.  He wasn’t totally ignorant to the fact that Huang had been developing feelings for him, but to hear it out loud was a little scary.  This shift in their relationship was extremely sudden.  The doc was asking a lot from him, and he was pretty sure he knew it. 

 

He couldn’t honestly claim to have no feelings for the other man either, but he wasn’t sure he could handle this right now. 

 

Elliot was taking a long time to speak.  Huang felt a pit of dread in his stomach.  This could be the end.  Maybe he shouldn’t have said anything…

 

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have-“

 

Elliot interrupted him. 

 

“No, it’s fine.  I just need to think about things for a while, okay?”

 

Huang nodded but couldn’t meet his eyes. 

 

“No, look at me,” he insisted, physically raising his chin so he was forced to make eye contact.  Elliot looked him deep in the eyes, searching for an answer. 

 

He placed a chaste but lingering kiss on the smaller man’s lips; The first kiss of that nature they had ever shared.  It almost knocked him off his feet. 

 

“I’ll be back,” Elliot promised, finally releasing his chin.  He collected his things and left without another word. 

 

Huang’s world was thoroughly rocked.  He hoped to God he meant it.