Crystal Clear Blue

My sleep is not restful and it does not last long. I extract myself from Xena, careful to not wake her. I’m still on edge and in pain. I never expected my life to turn out like this. Grabbing my clothes, I cover myself to keep the cold away. The night is dead silent, not a single noise to distract me from my thoughts. So I walk.

There’s no plan or path, my feet just move and the body follows. For the first time I am enjoying the peacefulness of my surroundings. It may be silent, but that silence seems to be filling me up. I stop, spreading my arms out and looking up into the black sky. It feels like there is something down in the pit of my stomach that is trying to claw its way up my throat. I drop to my knees, hoping some God hears me, whether it be Eli’s or anyone else’s.

My soul feels exhausted. I feel like I should be crying, but all my tears have been spent. How will I ever accept the fact that Xena sacrifices herself for others? It’s what I’ve preached to her for years, but I can’t handle the consequences of what she’s learned. What kind of person does that make me? I’m not as good as I try to be, I’m completely selfish. If I had to choose between her and the lives of five thousand people……I’d choose Xena every time. I lose her and I lose a part of my soul.

Where does all this leave me now? Still in pain from her loss, in shock that I have her back. We were a family once, for a short time. I had hoped that would be enough for her, but her spirit is restless and is always on the move. I know deep in my heart that we can never settle anywhere. I can always hold that hope close though. I wish I was enough for her, but I don’t think I’ll ever be.

My body collapses all the way down. The snow is hugging my body, but I don’t notice the cold it brings. I’m the only one who can fix the state I’m in.  I already know what Xena can and will do, I just need to decide how I’m going to live with it.

I’m not sure how long I remain here, but I do not stir till the sun begins its ascent in the sky. I’m probably frozen, but I’m numb at the same time. I can’t stand that this is my path, my destiny. But if with any other path I’d have to walk alone I could never choose it.