Forgive me father for I have sinned

Jim clapped loudly grinning from ear to ear as he watched events unfold from the cameras he had had installed in 221b “Didn’t know you had it in you Johnny boy” he said scooping up a handful of popcorn. “I can’t wait to see what happens next”

                                                      xxx

 

                Once John had got Sherlock naked he hesitated, would it be better to take this to his own room or Sherlock’s? He had never once stepped foot in Sherlock’s room, he didn’t think that Sherlock hardly had for that matter. His room it was then, Sherlock’s felt like too much of a violation, a boundary he couldn’t cross. Shaking his head a little to try and clear away that uncomfortable train of thought he forced himself to look at Sherlock, to really take everything in. After all it would be his only chance. Starting at pale narrow feet John’s hungry gaze travelled upwards taking in smooth porcelain skin over a frame that wasn’t as skinny as the designer clothes made it appear. Sherlock’s hands hung limply by his sides and when John reached his face he saw that he was looking straight ahead. Which irritated John no end. Typical of Sherlock to think this wasn’t worthy of his full attention. He saw a muscle twitch in Sherlock’s jaw and he almost apologised for the red bloom that decorated one marble-carved cheekbone but he mentally reprimanded himself.



“My room. Now”



Sherlock quickly flicked his eyes to John , shook his head and resumed staring into space. John narrowed his eyes and once more crowded Sherlock’s personal space. “I’m not asking you I’m telling you” . For the first time since this had begun Sherlock felt real fear; as an asexual sociopath this was completely outside his realm of experience. Of course he knew that his physical appearance attracted attention from both sexes but his personality stopped everyone in their tracks soon enough (well there had been that one tutor at university but Mycroft had dealt with him) . But he had let John in, let him get close. Was this the price to pay for friendship? Trust? He remembered being five and crying over his dead love bird. Mycroft had said that caring wasn’t an advantage and Sherlock hadn’t had a pet, or friend since. Except John his quick mind reminded him. Not helping, none of this makes sense, what kind of priest gives permission for this? There is a clue here I know it…

 Sherlock was so wrapped up in his mental analysis of the problem that he hadn’t even noticed John herding him into his bedroom like a wayward sheep until he found himself lying flat on his back on John’s (rather uncomfortable, he distantly noted)bed , John following fast. At least John didn’t seem to be in any particular hurry, content to take his time learning every contour of Sherlock’s body and Sherlock paused in his thinking to wonder just how long John had wanted this, wanted him. It wasn’t a pleasant thought so he turned his focus on gazing around John’s room instead ,looking for a weapon, or more importantly John’s phone. Yes there was himself but judo never taught one what to do when naked and faced with a lust driven doctor who had some basic army training!  

Hot breath danced over his stomach provoking a gasped inhalation. John chuckled lowly and focused his attention there. A kiss elicited squirming and whispered fingertips resulted in a jerk in order to remove his abdomen from John’s reach.



“Wouldn’t have figured you for the ticklish type. It must bother you, not being able to control your body…” John said gently as he continued to lay kisses and soft nibbles to the area.



“You’re cataloguing my reactions. Why?”



“Normal people don’t catalogue Sherlock. I’m committing it to memory. I know I won’t get another chance”

  Sherlock found his hand straying to pet John’s hair without his conscious thought and he briefly wondered who he was giving reassurance too when he spotted John’s phone on the dresser. John leaned into the touch, kissing Sherlock’s palm with a pleased hum and emboldened Sherlock asked, “Why don’t you kiss my feet? You haven’t tested my reaction to that”



“So you can kick me in the face? I’m not that stupid.” John snorted in amused affectation. He looked up and Sherlock quickly turned his gaze from the mobile only to lock eyes with John. The intensity he saw caused a shiver as goosebumps broke out over his skin.

 “I would like to kiss you though, it’s a bit hard when you’re standing…” John hesitated as though waiting for Sherlock to give him permission before remembering that he would get none. Starting at sharp hipbones, over each individual rib, skimming a perfectly-shaped collarbone worshipping a satin smooth shoulder and praising a long neck before capturing Sherlock’s full mouth with his own.



Sherlock had kissed one person in his life; when he was twelve, an older boy at one of Mycroft’s tedious birthday parties had caught him unawares. Been kissed by rather than kissed. A fragment of Proust drifted through his mind, irking him as he thought he had deleted pointless fiction. The point, he reminded himself, was that lack of experience meant he had no idea what to expect. Being kissed by John in no way compared to being kissed by a fourteen year old experimenting with their sexuality.  John kissed in the same way he did everything else, with good humoured determination and heart and soul and under different circumstances Sherlock may even have found it pleasant, as a natural extension of John. As it was he played along ,kissing John back, distracting him while he reached out his arm groping for the mobile on the nightstand.

                                           xxx

“Pay attention Johnny boy . If our boy gets that phone your fun is over!” Moriarty leaned forwards in his seat, childlike glee written all over his face.

                                               xxx



 Once John felt Sherlock respond to the kiss he continued with renewed vigour, pouring all of the pent up desire, confusion, anger and other emotions he couldn’t, or didn’t want to name, that he had had to hold back, and when he coaxed Sherlock’s tongue to dance with his own; Sherlock in the shy hesitant clumsy manner he remembered too well from his own early forays into kissing, it felt like both salvation and damnation. But then he got his finger caught in one of Sherlock’s curls and must have tugged too hard. One minute he was in heaven, the next he heard something clatter to the floor.



“What was…that was my phone wasn’t it? God how could I have been so stupid?! For a minute there I actually believed you wanted me” John ran a hand through his hair, eyes wild. “I’d rather you didn’t fight me, I really do. You have to believe me this isn’t the way I wanted to this, but if it’s the only way I can have you then…I mean it’s too late now anyway. I’ve crossed the line, burned my bridges…”



“I love you my boy you are such a delight and I’ll take you by force if you put up a fight” Sherlock recited automatically.



“What?”



“Schubert’s lieder. Goethe’s Erlkonig”



“I’m never enough for you am I? I’m not interesting enough to hold your attention for one minute, even at a time like this you’re thinking about Schubert! Let’s move onto the next thing on my list then; kneel on the bed and beg for me damn it, I’d like to hear you quote Goethe then!” 



“You want me to beg when I’ve never begged for anything in my life, not even when I did drugs? Alright then; John please, please I beg you, don’t do this. This isn’t you ,you’re not like this and I know you don’t want to do this, not really. If you had spoken to me, if I had known how you felt we could have, I would have, but please God not like this…” Sherlock looked into John’s eyes as he spoke and he saw the exact moment when he broke, when all the excuses and justifications he had created for his actions collapsed .



“What have I done? Sherlock I’m so so sorry…Christ how could I have done that to you? Call Lestrade right now, or better yet call your brother!”



    Before Sherlock could say anything John’s phone rang. Retrieving it from where it had fallen Sherlock pressed it to his ear with a strange ominous feeling.

   “Who is this?”



“Put it on speaker phone so Johnny boy can hear” Sherlock did as he was asked and a gentle Irish accent edged with a hint of madness filled the small room.



“Jim Moriarty-Hi! Or as the Doctor might know me, your friendly neighbourhood priest. I Wondered when we met earlier what would make you fall apart and now I know-guilt! Delicious ridiculous guilt. And it’s all your fault Sherlock, you teased your poor pet so much I’m afraid you drove him quite mad”



“You bastard! Sherlock had nothing to do with any of this. It’s all my fault I let you poison my mind”



“Really you are too kind, attributing such powers of persuasion to me! I didn’t put a gun to your head now did I? I just told you what you wanted to hear. Sooner or later you would have done it anyway. I can just picture the scene: the little detective has been driving you nuts all day, like he does, fiddling with his violin, just breathing really, you rush out to some crime scene at night, adrenaline and all that, you end up fucking him in some trash filled alley. At least my way was a little more romantic” Moriarty quipped, voice thick with mirth.



“No! That is not true. I would never…”



“Would never what Johnny boy? Would never rape your best friend? And yet isn’t that how this would have ended, haven’t you already? The best thing is..” Moriarty was stopped by an attack of the giggles. “The best thing is you think this is all about lust, but I have news for you friend. You’re in love with our Sherlock. Shame on you Doctor, hurting someone you love. How does it feel knowing that you shattered the trust he placed in you? And just imagine what will happen when big brother finds out! Someone’s gonna be in trouble” Moriarty sing-songed. “Well it’s been a blast, it really has, but I’m going to have to love you and leave you, get the hint Johnny? Ciao Sherlock Holmes, good luck with your broken toy” There was a click that sounded louder than it had the right to in the now silent room.



“Sherlock give me the phone” John whispered holding out his hand.



“Why what are you going to do with it?”



“Moriarty is right, Mycroft will find out soon enough, he probably already knows, so I’m going to call him and tell him he can do whatever he wants with me”



“John…”



“Don’t John me! I was flipping through the paper the other day, the bloody Sun of course, man attacks his neighbour, and I remember thinking sex offenders should all be locked up. I was so confident in the knowledge that I would never do something like that, that I wasn’t that kind of man…but I was wrong. Turns out I’m just as capable”



Sherlock took a deep breath “I sometimes, alright most of the time, forget what life is like for normal people, how you’re creatures of the senses not of the mind. I misunderstand things, social cues…What I’m trying to say is if I ever did or said something that made things difficult for you, I didn’t mean…I didn’t know..”



“Don’t finish that thought. Sherlock please if you still like me a little bit do not blame yourself! None of this is your fault do you understand me? None of it. Now please give me the phone. I deserve whatever punishment Mycroft deems fit”



“If you do that Moriarty would have won”



“This isn’t a game, the world doesn’t just revolve around the two of you” John sighed.



“Well of course not, it revolves around you as well and that’s why I won’t let Moriarty win. I won’t let him take you away from me. We are going to get through this together the same way we do everything else”



“I can’t Sherlock I just can’t. I can’t even look at you. Knowing what I did, what I might have done, I feel sick. I can’t live with that” A fine tremor started in John’s injured hand and soon spread until his teeth were chattering.

 Sherlock jumped off of the bed muttering about shock and ridiculous coloured blankets.



“It’s not the same shade but I’m pretty sure that’s not important” He wrapped the burnt orange throw around John’s torso. “You can live with it because you have to and because I’ll make sure you do! Failure isn’t an option for the Holmes you know”  Sherlock thought of the challenge and excitement this Moriarty could hold for the future and smiled.