Fire

Dean slowly walked back into the room he shared with Sam. Walking carefully so he wouldn’t give away the twinges of pain that still littered his body. He needn’t have bothered however as he wasn’t there anyway. Still busy with his demon girl no doubt. Instead Castiel was waiting for him. Giving him that intense stare that made him cringe inside. The stare that went straight through him and sought out and scrutinized all the dark spots on his soul.

“Heya Cas. Got something?” He asked. Awkwardly trying to bring them back to business instead of lingering on what he had just done. Sure that Cas had picked it out of his head without trouble. It made him uncomfortable in the same way the thought of Cas pulling him out of hell made him uncomfortable. As if he could see everything he was. How twisted and wrong and fucked up and simply unworthy.

“Something is happening in San Antonio.” He stated clearly and precisely. Not removing his cold gaze from Dean.

Dean ignored it and sat down on the other bed. Sammy’s bed. Not like he was using it right now. “San Antonio huh? Think it’s one of the horseman?” He only caught Castiel’s eyes for a moment before casting it back on the floor. He covered the movement by taking of his boots. Sam wouldn’t be back until morning most likely and the little sleep he had at the motel wasn’t enough. He was still exhausted. But then he always was these days.

“It might be.” Castiel’s voice seemed far away for a moment as his thought had slipped back to the motel room. It had been happening more often. His attentions wandering all over the place. It was hard to stay focused with the pressure of the world on his mind. Living in it was enough to make him want to crawl in a corner and cry until his eyes bled. Having the weight of saving it on his shoulders as well was enough to make him wish he was back in hell. At least there, no matter how painful he didn’t have to pretend. Pretend that he was just fine and everything was business as usual.

He was brought down out of his thought by a hand on his arm. It grabbed his attention for a moment. Knowing that beneath the material of his shirt lay a matching hand print. It wasn’t until that moment he had stopped in the untying of his shoes. He really had to shape up. Castiel might know how broken he was inside but he couldn’t afford those slip ups in front of Sam. He involuntarily found his eyes drawn to Castiel’s intense stare. He watched, frozen, as the angel placed two fingers on his forehead and felt the healing warmth that wash over him and erase any trace of pain.

“You should show more respect for yourself.” Castiel remarked as he slipped his fingers away from his face. For a moment something sparked inside him as he felt the fingers slip over his skin before they were pulled away. Almost like a caress. Dean pushed the thought away. Cas probably had no idea what he was doing anyway. Instead he finished removing his shoes.

“I’ll let Sam know in the morning.” Dean stated, ignoring the angels comment. He laid down on the bed. Not bothering with taken of his clothes. Instead he spread out over the covers. Face turned away from the gaze Castiel was still directing at him. He closed his eyes and pretended to go to sleep. His form stiff and radiating with tension.

A moment later he heard a quiet sigh and felt the bed dip under the angel’s weight. Causing the tension in his body to increase. He didn’t move though. Determined not deal with all of this. He couldn’t help a flinch however as he felt a warm hand settle on his forehead. “There are better ways to deal with this.” Castiel’s low voice moved over him. Making a faint shiver move through his body.

“I am trying to sleep here Cas.” Dean bit out. Turning over so he was turned away from the Angel. Eyes squeezed shut as if it could block out the presence at his back. He heard the Angel sigh again. Followed by the sounds of a coat and shoes being shed.

A warm weight spread along his back. A warm chest coming to rest against his back as an arm slipped along his waist. He was about to open his mouth to protest when Castiel’s voice filled his ears. “Then go to sleep.” A soft hand settled on his brow before everything went white. Followed by a peaceful black.

[br]

He woke with a start as the Motel Room door slammed open. Automatically reaching for a weapon before he registered Sam’s voice. “Hey, I got break…..What the?”

Dean looked up at Sam. A shocked look taking over his brother’s features as he blinked at him. It was then he became aware of the warm arm that was still wrapped around his waist. He could feel Castiel move against his back. “I will do some reconnaissance. I will meet you there.” His steady voice washed over dean. Drawing Sam’s attention and allowing him to cover the blush of embarrassment that covered his face.

“Sure thing Cas.” He stated solidly. As if his brother hadn’t walked in on him in bed and cuddled up to an angel of the lord. He leaned down and turned to his boots. Sensing Castiel disappear behind him. Stealing himself he shot Sam his normal grin and grabbed his breakfast.

“Cas said there was some trouble down in San Antonio. Figured it might be one of the horsemen.” The talk of business seemed to snap Sam back into action.

“Ok.” Sam stated as he sat down across from Dean. “Texas. Should be able to drive down there within two days or so.” A slightly hesitant look came across Sam’s voice. “So how long….”

“So where were you last night?” Dean asked a bit sharply. Cutting of his brother’s question. He ignored the awkward silence that followed. His sharp gaze seeing his brother’s eyes shutter and fall shut.

“So what do you think the problem is.” Sam stated. Changing the subject. Dean shrugged. Glad that Sam got the point.

“Not sure yet. He didn’t say. Just that something was going on and that it might be horseman related.”

Sam nodded and chewed silently on his food. “Ok then. Guess we better get to it. I’ll do some research in the car.”

Dean nodded and swallowed the last bit of his breakfast. Glad to get moving so he could ignore the ever growing chasm between him and his brother. “Let’s roll.” He silently grabbed his duffle bag and grabbed up his car keys. Leading the way to the car.

Sam silently followed with his own things. Placing them in the trunk before moving down into the passenger seat and quietly starting his research. Not even bothering to complain about the music for once. Dean wasn’t sure whether he should be grateful for that or wince at how disconnected they had really gotten. Wince at how much Sammy wasn’t Sammy anymore.

They drove for hours. The silence so stiffening that it was near suffocating. It made Dean long for hands on his throat, pressing deep till they cut of his air. At least then he would have something to fight, something to surrender to. This half existence was killing him at such an agonizing pace that it almost didn’t feel like death at all.

He used to long to be saved. Now he was torn between begging to be allowed to give in to the death that was jogging at his heal or the final push that would break him completely so he would no longer have to care.

“Think it might be pestilence.” Sammy stated from beside him. “The illness count has been rising and so far no one has been able to determine what the problem is. They seem to have very different symptoms however. It’s worth checking out.”

Dean nodded. His voice laced with life that he didn’t feel. Hadn’t felt since Sammy died and he had made the deal. And even before then he had been tired. “All right then. We’ll get another ring and we’ll be one step closer to putting the devil back in his box. Got a decent motel nearby?”

“The Travel Lodge should do. It’s in the down town area.”

Dean just nodded and kept driving. Not bothering to stop for more then gas and food. He wouldn’t get any rest anyway in some motel anyway. And Sam was more then used to sleeping in the passenger’s seat anyway. He had done so often enough. It was mid morning when they finally arrived.

He turned off the engine, causing Sam to startle awake. “You drove all night?” He asked once he blinked the sleep out of his eyes.

“Yeah, thought it best to get there quick. We can scout the situation out a bit and rest up tonight. Hopefully we can settle the situation tomorrow and figure out how to see to death.” Dean stated plainly. Ignoring Sam’s worried look.

“And it has nothing to do with you not wanting to sleep.”

Dean closed his eyes. Knowing Sammy couldn’t see. “I’m fine, Sam.” He stated in a tone that brook no argument. “Just need to get this settled.” He turned towards his brother and looked him on the eye. His eyes steely as he regarded him. “I’ll get us a room.”

Dean managed to summon up a flirtatious smile for the girl behind the desk as he paid for his room. Ignoring the offer of company that he had it been before his time in hell he would have not thought twice about accepting. These days he just couldn’t stomach it… Too caught up in memories of soft flesh parting beneath his knife, blood welling up between his fingers, agonizing screams in his ears that reminded him off times when those voices would have been pitched in pleasure.

Dean shook of the memories as he sat his bag on the bed. Barely hearing Sam’s announcement of his food run.

The moment the door closed he could hear the flutter that announced Castiel’s presence. “It seems I was mistaken. There seems to be a different cause for the illnesses that plague this town.”

Dean shivered as he could feel the breath at the back of his neck. “Well whatever it is. We’ll figure it out and deal with it.” AS he spoke he turned to face the angel. He shivered as he felt the heat Castiel’s body seemed to radiate. It felt wrong, the warmth. That cold detachment should leave him feeling icy.

” You did not sleep.” Castiel’s voice almost came as a shock to his system. Too busy drowning in his presence to notice he was really there.

Shaking himself out of his daze he turned back to the bed. “Nahhh. Thought it best to get here quick.”

“You need rest.”

Dean gritted his teeth, caught for a moment by the nearly irresistible urge to punch the Angel. “I’m fine.”

“No you’re not. You haven’t been for a long time.”

Dean took a deep breath and bit his lip, using the taste of his blood to fight the emotions that threatened to choke him.

“My being there, it helped you sleep last time.” His voice sounded detached and certain.

“I’m not a teddy bear Cas. Go find something else to cuddle.” Dean stated with more force, lashing out with his words even if he refused to do it with fists.

The angel stepped closer. Causing Dean to straighten himself out, defensively and refusing to be intimidated by the other’s presence. Instead Castiel laid one hand on his arms. His fingers laying over the print he had left when he pulled Dean out of hell. “I dragged you out. I refuse to let you drown now.” His voice was filled with strength. “I know you cannot have faith in our father Dean. But you can have faith in me. I will carry you.”

Dean’s breathing hitched as he felt every emotion he was suppressing surge up all at once. The force of it all causing his knees to buckle for a moment. Castiel’s strong arms wrapping around him to keep him standing. “I have you.” He could hear the voice whisper even as his emotions overtook him and caused tears to run down his face. “I have you.” He could feel wings enclosing around him. Giving him warmth and security like he had never had. “I have you.” As he felt himself crack and break. “I have you.” As he collapsed against the angel, sobbing out his pain and grief. “I have you.”