Ryan and Micki Make a Porno (smootch!)

When I said Conrad was doing good for himself, I had no idea. Expensive Don Johnson suits aside, we left the reunion after a couple of hours in his *stretch limo* to his *mansion* in the swankest part of Chicago. Micki got trashed; her womanly weight and trying to keep up with us at the bar proved to be her end, and now she's half-passed out in a chair in Conrad's living room as we continue catching up and reminiscing 'bout the old times around his coffee table, sitting on throw cushions. Micki shifts a little in the chair, snuggling against the back. Her leg exposes itself to the hilt via the slit in her dress' skirt, forcing Elliot to stop mid-word.
"...ad, Jesus H. Crutchwalkin' *Christ*, you lucky somebitch." Elliot whistles at the wasted temptress we're all currently hypnotized by, "Dammit Dallion."
"That titian tigress could make me a shitload of money, note that." Conrad sucks in a breath, "Shit, I would pay *myself*."
"What are you rambling about?" I ask him. He and Elliot have been a little weird all evening, "You wanna make her an actress?"
Conrad shakes his head, "I don't think she'd go for it. Not my kind of movies, anyway. You're looking at the House that Porn Built, paht-ner."
Elliot starts dying laughing as I get hit with another shocker to a Funkadelic soundtrack, seeing as we're being serenaded with "Maggot Brain" from his massive stereo system, "You've been doing porno? Conrad, you're shittin' me, right?"
El shakes his head, "Nope. Matter of fact, I'm gonna moonlight as Director of Photography for his next feature." he laughs, "Fuck Dallion, you should see the look on your face!"
Micki pops up abruptly, looks right through us and wasted-mumbles, "Fucking Ten *Grand*! We're *fucked*." then just as abruptly collapses back into her former comatose state.
Oh, right. I was trying to forget about that. Conrad clears his throat, "What was *that* comin' from that girl? You two got money problems or something?"
I nod grudgingly, "Not tryin' to think about that right now, but yeah." I say, launching briefly into the IRScapade we were hit with.
"Well, a brother can always help you out." Conrad starts after I finish explaining, "As I told you, I'm looking to produce a new feature, and I could use some help, especially in *casting*, if you catch me. If you wanted to write and direct, I could cut you a check in a few weeks, and if you and your girl wanted to do a scene or two in it, I could pay you even earlier for services rendered."
Elliot nods, "Conrad's good for it, and you two would sell a wicked load of copies."
I shake my head, "Micki'd never go for it; she'd be afraid somebody would see it, and she's.." not really my girlfriend, but Conrad doesn't let me finish.
"Hold up, because that's the beauty of my business, Blood. I deal in International, we distribute mainly in Holland, Japan, and the Czech Republic. You didn't know I was dealing in porn, did you?" Conrad argues.
"Nope, can't say that I did." I relent.
"And you pay attention, right?" he presses, meaning that I take in my share of porn. What guy doesn't?
"Mostly in print form lately, but yeah." I admit, "You're *still* crazy if you think she'd do it."
"Crazy like a fox." Conrad says, "I'd give you twenty grand tomorrow if you two commit to three or four scenes; and I'll split a third of the profits with you post production if you come up with a storyboard and direct for me. Shit, I'll even knock it down to two scenes for the same price if you hook it up. Nobody else I know could come up with a better story, Dallion."
"What theme were you thinking of?" I can't believe I'm continuing this conversation with him. Blame it on the booze, and the offer of twenty easy Gs.
"Conrad wants to go sci-fi knockoff with this one, but we can't seem to come up with a good idea." Elliot says, "Which is where you come in."
"What do you mean, like 'Kolchak, the Cock Stalker' or something to that effect?"
"He's a fuckin' natural, I told you." Conrad nudges Elliot, "Please say you'll try to at least give me a story idea, and talk to your girl when she comes to. Twenty large for the easiest work you'll ever do."
I can't even believe I'm being posed the question. Wow. Twenty thousand dollars to have sex with Micki (on camera). That's a blessing to be offered payment for, let alone one that couldn't have come at a more pressing financial time, "What about 'Dr. Screw', like a take on 'Dr. Who'? Or, we could always do the obvious 'Star Wars' parody. You could call it 'Fuck Wars' or something." The ideas pour forth like guy second nature, and Conrad and Elliot's reactions to them are swaying me. The least I could do is write and direct.
"That's my boy, Dallion!" Conrad cries, "Keep 'em coming, and *talk to your girl*. They are on my shit about redheads in the Japanese and Russian markets. We're talking massive yen and rubles, my friend."
"I'll try, but I can't promise you anything. Maybe you should help me convince her. She seems to like you." I tell him.
"Brother D, you know I have your back." Conrad replies, then pauses, smiling broadly, "You really think she likes me?"

*********************************************************

We had brainstormed the rest of the night, and came up with a most awesome idea, deciding on a take on the popular movie "Ghostbusters". We're going to call it "Slutbusters". At some point during the middle of the night Conrad's manservant/chauffeur Fawnsworth moved Micki to a guest room to let her sleep it off more comfortably. No guff. Conrad has his own "Jerome". The guy was always partial to Morris Day. Fawnsworth also escorted me back to our motel to obtain our personal effects, because Conrad threw a shit fit when he found out where we were staying and insisted we become houseguests 'for the duration'. However long that may be; it doesn't look like Micki's very pro on the porn idea right now. We just hit it with her over Belgian waffles.
"You're putting me on." she laughs, shaking her head with wide-eyed seriousness, "No." She sees that we're not kidding and answers again, "*No*. Ryan, you've fallen out of the crazy tree and you've hit every branch on the way down."
"Look, Baby Girl, I'm just asking for a couple of scenes worth of the sex you two *would* be having anyway, and I'm offering the most pretty of pennies." Conrad argues with her, as her jaw drops to the floor.
"Ryan, can I talk to you alone for a few?" she seethes through clenched teeth as she stands from her place at the dining room table, "Conrad, do you mind if we use your library?"
"Be my guest." he says, snapping fingers, "Fawnsworth, assure them privacy."
Micki practically hoists me by my collar and drags me into the library, and Fawnsworth closes the door behind us. Ten to one he's standing guard on the other side. "Why does Conrad think that we're?.." she tears into me once we're alone, "you *know*."
"He still thinks you're my girlfriend." I tell her, "Sorry I didn't get a chance to correct that, seeing as I was just recently sideswiped by the fact that my good friend Conrad does International porn that no one we know will ever see. Hey, he offered to help."
"Yeah, if *we* help *him* by engaging in coitus on film. Some help."
"I'm going to pretend not to be insulted by the repulsed look on your face at the thought of having sex with me and get down to the basics. One; we owe a lot of money. Not just to the IRS either, we have at least an additional thousand racked up in pending bills as well. Two; the IRS will repossess if we don't come up with ten thousand dollars in a scarily short amount of time. Three; Conrad said he'd pay us *twenty* grand today if we commit to 'acting' in his feature. Think about it, if you do this with me, you'll save lives, because if the store's repo'd, all those objects will be back out there, wreaking havoc." I argue, realizing it sounded better in my head pre-verbatum.
Micki gives me a reproachful glance, glaring a little, "That's the worst line I've ever heard! It sounds like something a pimp would say to a young girl before turning her out. Are you trying to pimp me, Ryan?"
"Hey, this was all Conrad's idea; *he* offered." I protest.
"Oh, *really*?" She fumes as she stalks over to the door and swings it open. Fawnsworth is waiting patiently, "Would you be so kind as to summon your employer?" she asks in an annoyed but cordial tone.
Conrad appears a few beats later, "So, you in on this, Baby Girl, or what?"
She directs her wrath at my friend, who did not see it coming, "Absolutely *not*. And I am *no one's* Baby Girl, you got that? I am a woman named Michelle Foster and I will not be involved in sex trade for money." She switches gears abruptly, "May I use your phone? I need to call our friend Jack."
"Anything you need is at your disposal, and I apologize for the accidental insultation, because that was not intended. I was trying for an affectation that you clearly did not warm to." Conrad says defensively as he holds up his hands.
"I do want to know why you would ask *me* in the first place, and why you wouldn't just ask Ryan to do it on his own." she pries, curious.
"Damn, you're free with your man, ain't you girl?!" he does his trademark jumpback, then leans in with slight conspiracy, "You're familiar with commodities, right? Well, you, Mi-chelle my Belle, are what they would call a commodity in a few of the markets I deal in. That's why I asked for both of you. Men with brown hair are plentiful. I could only offer Ry-D five grand. *You* are worth the other fifteen, because of the demand I get for your type of female. Russians love redheads, and so do the Japanese. Plus, he's your boy, so I thought it would be easy for you."
"If I don't do it, and Ryan does, we only walk with five thousand?" she asks, while I try not to feel slighted. I'm a dime a dozen and she's a rare expensive gem. There it is, the ugly truth. Conrad nods. She crosses over to the phone and dials out to the store, holding up a hand to signal our silence, "Hello Jack!...Yes..yes, it was interesting, to say the least.."she pauses and shoots Conrad and I a look, "How are affairs on your end?" Micki's face falls after a few seconds, "Oh...oh, really?...*Reea-llly?*...(Long Pause)...Well, Ryan's friend Conrad has made us an offer to do some work...Twenty thousand....yes, wonderful (spoken in a dry, sarcastic tone)...Whatever we have to do huh? (long pause as Jack explains something to her in that way that he has)...No, I understand. Our situation is dire." She sucks in a deep breath, exhaling loudly, "Whatever means necessary."
Conrad and I have been holding our breath the entire time, just watching her. Holy shit, did Jack just talk her into it? He shoots me a hopeful expression as I raise an intrigued eyebrow, "Did the moneyclip arrive safely? The lockbox wasn't too hard to pick open? Oh, good." Dammit, she's changed the subject. Will she or won't she? I *was* crossing my fingers on the moneyclip; we had put it in a lockbox and thrown the key into a lake before overnighting it back to the store yesterday. You can't be too careful with cursed objects. Still, the suspense is *killing* me. She says goodbye to Jack, informing him that we'll keep him posted, and sets the phone back on its cradle. "They're shutting the electric and water off tomorrow. Jack made his calls and they were all for naught." Micki tells me, then turns to Conrad, "Okay, start talking and try to convince me this is a good idea." she relents.
Oh. My. Fucking. *God*. She's really gonna do it. I mean, what other choice does she have, but suddenly, she's acheived saintlike status in my eyes. Conrad's too, apparently. He's pumping his fist currently, hissing "Yes!" like he just won the lottery.
Micki crosses her arms under her chest, taking in our gleeful nature, "Don't make me regret this." she warns.
We take that as our cue to stop looking so stoked and try to wipe the smiles off our faces, "Now let me explain how this is all gonna go down..." Conrad begins.

*******************************************************

Conrad pleaded his case pretty convincingly, assuring her he would do everything possible to make her comfortable during shooting and informing her that it was unlikely that *anyone* she knew personally would see the film or her performance, due to the exclusive release overseas. The deal was sealed completely when Conrad wired the twenty thousand big ones into the Curious Goods company account this afternoon. No going back now. Elliot came over in the early afternoon and we've been working on the storyboard, blocking, and camera angles for "Slutbusters". We had Micki go out and rent a copy of the real movie to refresh our memories on the general idea of our story. Except ours is going to be a little more equal-opportunity. Since Conrad's the big porn star, his character of Winston will be *way* more integral. He accompanied Micki (they had Fawnsworth drive them), stopping along the way at the Chicago Tribune and Sun Times to put out ads for additional casting for the film, which will run in the evening and morning editions. We will hold auditions tomorrow afternoon and into the evening, if all goes well.
They've just returned with another young man of about our age with brown hair and sideburns. He's leching all over Micki, and she's seeming like she's enjoying the attention, her consistant giggling erupting due to his Gomez Addams impersonation.
"Brother D," Conrad starts, "I would like you to meet a solid friend of mine; Andy Botwin. Andy, meet the man with the plan, the writer and director of 'Slutbusters', Ryan Dallion."
Andy stops smooching his way up Micki's arm and extends a hand, "I can't tell you what an honor it is to meet you!" he shakes mine enthusiastically, "You are the *Man*! 'Slutbusters', I mean, what a fantastic idea!" Andy notices Elliot on the couch and gives a casual wave, "Hey El, how they hangin'?"
"A little to the right today." Elliot jokes.
"Andy wants to participate in our feature." Conrad explains, "I figure we could give him the part of Ray Shaftz. That way, we'll only have to cast one other dude..."
"...and can focus more on the ladies." Andy finishes, slapping Conrad a five. Micki stands between them and shoots them a withering glare.
"Hello, female company in the room!" she exasperates, "You could at least *try* for more discretion."
"Sounds cool; he's got a good 'Ray' look." I say to the chastised Conrad and Andy, who are mumbling 'sorry' and 'my mistake' to my co-star.
*That's* another thing that's barely been able to register, but never fails to bring a little lurch to my stomach when I do think about it. I am now full on *guaranteed* intercourse with a woman who has been the subject of numerous fantasies since I first met her. Holy balls. Micki is going to be my co-star in an Adult Film. The concept seems foreign and crazy, like Dali mixed with Escher, with a little Picasso thrown in for good measure. Then again, our entire reality for the past year has been unnatural, in a sense, so we can just add this new element to the makaab pile. Getting *paid* a shitload of money to have sex with her, now that's the craziest concept I've ever heard of. It doesn't even seem fair, but you'll never catch me complaining in a million years. Momentarily, I am under a blessed star. You can take that to the bank.
"You won't regret this man, I swear!" Andy thanks me, jumping a little and pumping his fist in the air.
I lean in to Conrad, pulling him aside, "How much is *he* getting?" I ask, curious about my dime a dozen status.
"He's doing it for free. Pro-bono. He *begged* me, actually." Conrad replies under his breath as we take in Andy doing a cabbage-patch victory dance next to Micki, who has her hand over her mouth and is shaking with silent laughter. He *is* a perfect Ray; he's goofy as hell.
"So who do we have so far? What's the cast list?" Andy shoots out, snapping his fingers.
"Well, we have myself as Winston Pound-A-Whore," Conrad begins, then points to me, "My boy Dallion is starring as Peter Shankman, and his girl Micki is his co-star Dana Bare-It-All. Then we got the Stabilizer over here as Director of Photography. We still need Egon Studler, Janine Whoreowitz, SlimerSlut, the Librarian SlutGhost, and the Gozer the Slutstroyer Twins, but we might want to just double up those roles with two actresses instead of four." He's a real pro, this guy. You talk production and he's all business, "Mi-chelle my Belle, do you think after we check this movie that you could try to find costume-type-shit with Fawnsworth? I'll be your best friend."
Micki's still shaking off laughter from the combination of Andy Botwin-ness and the perverted Ghostbuster character monikers we came up with last night, but manages to nod yes.
Andy slides next to her and puts an arm around her waist, "So you're gonna be in the movie, huh? Do *we* get to do a scene together?" he says lowly, raising his eyebrows.
"No." Conrad and I say in unison. "Ray goes there with Slimer." I add. I like the guy, but I'm gonna have to keep an eye on this Andy Botwin. He's too slick. She didn't get the least bit offended by his bold moves. I believe she even laughed. She most certainly didn't huck anything at his head or shy away from him.
"I'll let you help me pick your co-star tomorrow." Conrad tells Andy, prying him off Micki, "Hands off my prize star, fool. I don't want you slimin' her up with your taint." he adds, turning to her and apologizing, "I'm sorry, Angel. You just say the word and I'll check this boy."
"He's okay." she replies, "I appreciate your concern, though, Conrad."
"He always was the caring nuturer." Elliot chimes in, looking up from the storyboard outlines we have laid out on the coffee table, "Should we start watching the real version so we can flesh out this outline?"
"Good idea." I agree, "We might even have time afterward to start working on the model of the city and the Stay Hard Marshmallow Man."
We all have a good chuckle at this, settling in to watch the movie in Conrad's viewing room on the biggest screen television I've ever seen. We're sitting on a sectional white leather couch that's probably bigger than the Curious Goods kitchen. Micki, as usual when lounging with me because she's comfortable, is sitting way too close. Her head is on my shoulder and she has her legs flung halfway across my lap. Fawnsworth has served popcorn, which we all munch happily. Her mouth moves close to my ear, "Nothing's going to change between us, you know."
"I know." I answer lowly.
"We're just doing a job like any other." she adds.
"Agreed." I reply, "We're also getting that 'what-if' factor out of the way. Now you'll be able to stop wondering what it's like to sleep with me. Well, not sleep, really..."
She pinches me in the side, hard, "Eat your own words, Dallion. If anyone's doing the wondering, it's you." she whispers.
"Such ego." I crack back, "This means nothing. It's an easy way to earn twenty grand, that's *all*." Oh, if only that were true, "We're saving the store."
"Good. Just so we know where we stand. I don't want it to get weird between us."
"It's a bit late for that, don't you think?"