The Desperate and the Forbidden

No, sex in this chapter, sorry. Language? Yes.
////

The Desperate and the Forbidden
chapter/two: Lonesome/Familiar

Sean entered the house met by darkness. Chrisrian sat silhouetted by moonlight at the table. Sean flipped the switch, Christian reponded by guzzling down the last of the beer he was holding.
"Christian, what..." Sean started then stopped the sentence by himself.
"I'm a whore Sean. That's all I am... a goddamn whore." Christian replied bitterly.
"Christian, you're not a whore, you just haven't found the right woman yet." Sean had knew Christian long enough to know that his latest revelation was about his recent bedroom antics.
"Listen to you. I mean what is with you? You're always... always..." Christian's voice trailed off sadly.
"You're drunk." Sean grabbed the empty bottle and tossed in the trash. He tugged on his partner's arm as a motion for him to get up. Christian jerked his arm out of Sean's grasp.
"I'm not drunk. And I'm not a child. You don't have to put me to bed." Christian seemed insulted, but wasn't really. It's nice to know someone cares.
Sean sighed, "Well, wanna tell me why you think you're a whore?"
"I had her. I had Julia, Sean. And I couldn't be faithful to her, or stand by her when she was sick."
"You thought she was..." Sean tried to push down whatever jealousy that remained.
"I thought she was faking it. I didn't know that whore was poisoning her." Christian sighed softly, he carded his fingers on the table. Sean stood still, not wanting to respond until Christian had finished. "I dunno, I wanted her so bad, but when I had her, when she was finally mine, it was just...." Christian rubbed his eyes with his thumb and middle finger, "I guess I was more in love with the idea of her."
"You only wanted her because of me." Sean replied, voice almost plaqued by bitterness, he rested his hand on the back of the free chair. Christian glanced up at him, hating the pain and coldness in his blue eyes.
"You're probably right." Christian replied sourly. Sean walked to the fridge and poured himself a drink. "You remember when you found out about Matty and you kicked my ass?"
"Oh, I remember. I'll never forget." Sean sat down at the table a chair away from his partner.
"You remeber what you said? You said you loved me the most. Did you really mean that?"
"Of course I did. Julia could of slept with anybody, it wouldn't have hurt me half as bad." Sean's gaze was directed down at his glass, he was pondering.
"Yah, but isn't it better that I'm Matt's father instead of some frat boy jerk?"
"You were some frat boy jerk." Sean smirked.
"Not the point Sean." Christian leaned back.
"Okay, I guess so." Sean followed with a long drink.
"I could have never said the same thing about you. I didn't love you the most. I thought I did. I sat back, let you have Julia, let you marry her. But I didn't by sleeping with her, I didn't by hidding it all those years. I didn't by hidding our relationship from you this past time. I just thought if you didn't know, I wouldn't loose you. You're the only one I can trust, can count on. Through all my screw-ups, you've been there. I've done some shitty things to you, but you stayed. But as soon as I had the opportunity to have Julia, I took it. And I didn't care how'd you feel."
"Wow, you're really drunk." Sean took another drink.
"I only had three Sean."
"So, you're a lightweight. Who'd of guessed?" Sean quipped, he finally looked back up.
"Sean, I'm trying to make amends here, come on."
"I'm sorry, go ahead."
"You still love Julia and I should have kept out of it."
"No, Christian. You loved her, I should have respected that. I... I just don't want to be alone anymore. It's like being with Julia is all I know. The truth is I only want her when I don't have her. When I'm with her, we just can't make it work."
"I thought she was what I always wanted... what was missing in my life. She's just not the one Sean, for either of us." Sean didn't notice the lost look in Christian's eyes as he stared at him. Instead Sean redirected his focus back on the ice cubes that occupied his glass.
"As hard as it is to admit, maybe you're right." Sean downed the rest of the drink, then rose from his seat to get another. "You want some more?"
"Why not?" Christian replied as Sean got out another clean glass.
A few seconds later Sean handed him his drink, then after taking a short sip relocated to the living room and flopped down on the couch. Christian got up and followed. He stood in the room casually leaning on the wall, holding his glass, gazing at his partner reclining on the sofa. Christian smirked, letting his mind wonder to something of a conflicting nature. He could be a "man" and go out tomorrow night, go to another bar, find another willing whore, fuck her damn brains out. Or he could go with his heart for a chance and tell Sean what the hell he really wanted to say. Christian decided on at least going at a slower pace, so first he joined Sean on the couch, keeping distance so he appeared casual.
"It shouldn't surprise me..." Christian smirked, the remark made Sean turn his head to Christian, "The way I treat women, it's probably genetics."
"What are you talking about?" Sean looked at him as if he had a third eye.
"I mean my real father was a goddamn rapist. He raped my mother and that resulted in her not wanting me. Shit, I've charmed thousands of women, but not even my plastic surgeon status made her want a damn thing to do with me."
Sean sat silently waiting for Christian to finish, thinking to himself that his partner appeared as if he was lost, searching for answers. Maybe he'll find them if he keeps digging into his past. Maybe if he keeps digging at it like a scab, he'll find that inner peace. Trouble is; when you dig at bloody scabs, you risk infection.
"Then my foster father molested me- no fucking wonder I'm screwed up." Christian continued, his eyes directed at some spot on the rug.
"It seems like a disturbing way for things to come full circle doesn't it?" Sean responded, it was more of a statement than a question.
"It makes it even harder to have any faith at all. I paid for what the son of a bitch did to my mother. I suffered." His voice sounded like it was haunted.
"Christian, I don't think you can honestly believe that you were a whipping boy for what some psycho did to your biological mother."
"How else do you explain it?" Christian gazed over at Sean, both hands on his glass as he slouched forward, resting his elbows on his knees.
"Christian, we all make our own decisions in life. The rapist that did what he did that resulted in you being born, well it was his choice to do what he did. Mr. Troy doing what he did was his choice. It wasn't your choice to be abused. But it is your choice to keep doing what you do to women. It isn't genetics, if it were you wouldn't be a good father to Wilbur, or Matt, and I don't have to keep reminding you what a help you've been with Annie, or Conor. It hasn't come full circle because you've broken that loop that you think posseses you. You're not that man, you're not Mr. Troy." Sean's stated, he hoped it would make Christian feel a little better if anything.
"I always knew that if I ever had children, I'd do everything in my being to keep them from experiencing the hell I had to go through."
"I don't discredit that Christian. You're a better man than either of them. And as far as your mother- she's a fool to not want you in her life." Sean's eyes trailed off Christian and down to the floor. Yes, his father had walked out on him and his mother when he was a boy, but he never had to deal with the shit Christian did. His father walked out on him, he didn't force sex on him. He couldn't relate and it almost made him sick to his stomach to even think of trying. So he kept that to himself, buried deep along with a few other things he hoped no one would ever find.
"I'm lonely Sean." The words drew Sean's head back up. "I don't have anyone left. I lost Julia, our friendship is probably dead now, for good this time. Matt.. Matt is pissed at me for not letting him screw his sister for fuck's sake." He wished that even though he tried to say it like it was worth joking about, he wished it was a sick joke and not the truth.
"Christian that isn't either one of our faults."
"I posed in that degrading magazine Sean. Darlene saw it, I introduced Matt to Emmy."
"You didn't know, Matt didn't know either."
"That sure as hell doesn't make me feel better."
"What happened with Darlene and Emmy?" Sean wondered, it sounded like he was trying to change the subject. Maybe he was.
"Last I heard; Darlene wanted a fairytale I refused to give her. She took Emmy back home with her. It's complicated, I want to be a father figure to Amy in a way. Not be a prick and walk out. If she had found me after Emmy was born, I would've took care of her. But after this... shit's just too fucked up. We can't just be a happy family." Christian explained almost sounding contrite.
"Amy's a big girl Christian."
"Is that what we tell Matt?"
"We try. Matt's a big boy, we can't always hold his hand. No matter how badly we want to." Sean sounded hypocritical at best. No matter how hard he tried with Matt-- Matt just kept screwing up.
"Kimber's gone. In a sick twisted set of events, she had our grandchild. Thanks to Ram we can't even see her. Even if Matt could do anything his shit isn't together. He can't raise a child." Christian leaned back in the sofa.
"We could help." Christian noticed that 'lost in another world' look in Sean's eyes.
"What about not holding his hand?" Christian pointed out.
"You're right. Sorry, I wasn't thinking."
"I don't even have Gina anymore." He sighed sadly, "I keep thinking anyday now, I will hear her say 'hey, asshole,' but it doesn't come. She was a manipulative bitch, she even tried to fuck up my relationship with Julia, but..." Christian stopped when he noticed another look in Sean's eyes, like he had been stabbed in the heart and it bled into his soul. "Sorry."
"No, I need to get over it. Julia and I are done." Sean took his last drink and sat the glass on the floor.
"I felt sorry for her. She wanted me to love her, but I couldn't. I couldn't treat her right, she couldn't treat me right. She was right, we were a match made in hell."
--
Sean returned from the kitchen with another drink, water for Christian who already had four in, thankful it wasn't hard liquor.
"I don't have anyone, I have Wilbur, but that's all I have left." Christian continued.
Sean turned his head back to him, Christian's head was cast down, it seemed like he was waiting for Sean to give him the right answer. To just say the right thing to lift him up. Sean didn't have the words, or not any that he thought Christian would want to hear from him.
"You're not as alone as you think you are Christian." Sean smiled a bit as Christian looked back up at him, "You have me, I'm here." Sean opened his arms as if he was fixen to hug him.
"Are you?" Christian snapped back.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Sean replied his tone still calm, his facial expressions void of their warmness replaced with comfussion, he dropped his arms.
"Since we came to this God-forsaken town, you've been too wrapped up in the Hollywood dream." Christian eyed him accusingly.
"I know.." Sean's voice dropped lower than it already was, "I know, I'm sorry. It was a mistake to come out here. I just... back in Miami, all I did was live in your shadow, it felt good to be casting my own for once."
"That doesn't make it better."
"What do you want from me? Blood? You followed me out here. You could of stayed in Miami, joined business with Michelle, had a mother for Wilbur, had it all. Why'd you follow me anyway? And on top of all that, you paid me back by sleeping with Julia."
"I wish you'd stop with Julia, Sean. Jesus. This isn't about Julia, or Michelle, it's about me and you. It always has been. Are you saying you wouldn't have missed me if I had of stayed in Miami?"
Sean couldn't answer, he didn't know how. So he just stared at the man who awaited his answer as if it would solve all his problems.
"I needed you Sean. You make me better. Michelle couldn't be trusted. There's only one man I trust, he's siting on this couch, and I'm not him."
"I'm sorry Christian. Like I said, you're just trying to be happy."
"Well, I'm not happy Sean, not without you. Why does it bother you so bad anyway? That I was with Julia, you could've easily gotten her back from Olivia." Christian dug at the wound deeper, maybe what he needed was in the answer to that statement.
"Olivia did bother me, but I was too wrapped up with Annie being corrupted by Eden."
"No, you were too wrapped up with you being corrupted by Eden." Christian almost laughed, but Sean's face appeared homicidal. "And thank God, you ended it with that pyshco, look what she did to Julia."
"She would of never did that to Julia, if I hadn't of gotten involved with her in the first place."
"Sean, Sean, stop it. We need to stop blaming ourselves for everyone else's short-comings."
"Yeah, you're right, I guess."
"No guessing to it. I'm always right." Christian smiled arrogantly. Sean was at least happy that Christian was distracted from his previous depressions. Sean smiled back at him.
"Well, if it makes you feel better, I don't have anyone either. Not Julia, not Matt, and Annie isn't a little girl anymore. I didn't even get a couple more years with her before she grew up."
"She's not grown up Sean. Eden basically stole that child's innocence. For that I will never forgive that bitch."
"It's my fault." Sean replied slouching, hands rubbing his tired eyes.
Christian sat up and eyed him, "No, we established this, it isn't anyone's fault."
"Moving out here was a mistake."
"Sean? Julia dating Olivia wasn't a result of you moving out here. Eden was already in the picture."
"Once again, you're right Christian," Sean came back sarcastically, he sat back up, 'But if I had never told Julia about Monica, she wouldn't of left."
"We need to let Julia go. We neither one could make her happy, maybe it isn't about Olivia being another woman, maybe she was right. It doen't matter if the person you love is your desired gender. Olivia makes her happy, and maybe that's enough." Who was he trying to convince? Himself or Sean. Christian couldn't tell, maybe both.
"Come on Christian. You of all people are pro straight."
"I am not." Christian seemed hurt at the statement, like he had just been called a racist.
"Really? You would convert Liz if you could."
"That's bullshit."
"Well, what about you? What if you fell in love with someone unconventional?"
The question caught Christian off-gaurd, "Like what? A fat chick?"
"Yeah, a fat chick." Sean rolled his eyes as if it were another stab at Kate.
"I'm sorry Sean, I didn't mean it like that."
"I know. Poor Kate, I treated her like shit, just because she wasn't my type."
"Now you know how I feel."
Sean smiked, "Love's out there Christian. For both of us."
Sean moved closer and embraced Christian in an all too familiar friendly hug. Christian gladly accepted the gesture, if not only to take in his scent, but to get to hold him. Maybe holding him if only for a second would banish his demons. There were so many things he wanted to say. So many thoughts racing through his head. He refrained from spilling them, like he refrained from hugging him too tight. He hated when he felt desperate... desperate like so many women he had screwed over.
"I can't wait forever Sean." Christian whispered. Sean looked past it not asking what it meant. It wasn't like Christian was going to give up his one night stands for a 'Miss Right' anyway. But then again, he was going to for Kimber at one point and Michelle at another. The possibilities were limitless when it came to Christian Troy.
--
Christian paced in his room. Sean had gone to bed and that's what he was supposed to be doing.
'Fuck!' Christian thought to himself, not sure what the hell to do with himself. With all the alcohol downed he could of divested a little more of his feelings. If it went well though, it would be blamed on the alcohol. But on a similiar note- if it didn't go so well, he could blame it on the alcohol as well. Either way he was just too tired to force an conclussion, but his statement still rang in his ears as if he had screamed it.
'I can't wait forever,' no, he couldn't. He had waited long enough really. It should be the perfect time. They were both single, Julia was out of the picture, no more excuses. So why can't he just make himself say it? Yeah, admit to another man you love him. He was always told that that would make him a pussy. Funny, he felt like more of a pussy for holding this shit in.

////
Even the writer feels conflicted, not the angst I wanted. Eh, I wanted to have one of those scenes where they try to work out their problems with words. I find it interesting that these two men can talk to each other and express their selves so freely with one another. I guess that's what a 20 year friendship gets you. But I'll note that no matter how much they talk, it never seems to completely solve the problem.