The Enigma of the Mind

On the bridge everything seemed to be running smoothly, the lights flickering, Sulu and Chekov on command. Uhura on communications duty, all seemed to be going well. Kirk walked into the bridge and greeted all that were there. He smiled and said, “Spock is up and about now, he shall be back on the bridge within the hour.” The crew members seemed pleased, everyone enjoyed having Spock’s serious logic and contemplative stare. Kirk admired Spock’s ambition and his sleek form.

“Captain, I am getting a distress call from Benecia, they report rebels destroying the city and are calling for Starfleet assistance” Uhura said while holding her fingers on her ears, “Should I respond Captain?”

Kirk thought and decided that a journey to save a planet would be an excellent distraction for the crew after the fiasco yesterday. “Set course for Benecia Mr. Sulu.”

“Yes Captain, set course for Benecia at Warp Factor 3, estimated time of arrival is 4 days.” Sulu clicked a few more buttons and looked ahead.

Kirk wondered where Spock was, but the doors soon opened revealing Spock sporting his uniform cleaned and pressed with everything in order.

“Captain, I am reporting for duty, shall I resume my previous work on the physical structure of inorganic spacious gases.”

Kirk smiled, “Yes Spock, resume your previous work, we’ll be traveling for several days I bet you’ll be caught up in a few hours.”

“Yes, sir, I plan to.” Spock gave a small grin and went back to work. Kirk looked ahead, sitting in his Captain’s chair admiring his fine crew. He wondered if Spock remembered him caressing his head and kissing he cheek, probably not, he was in a level of deep unconsciousness. I wish he would. Kirk sat up and decided to walk back to his quarters, he needed some time alone and the crew had nothing to do but make sure a Romulan space vessel didn’t engage in battle, but Kirk highly doubted that situation.

“I will return in a bit I wish to go to my quarters,” Kirk looked down he had that same tight knot in his stomach again, the heat of it made him stumble out the doorway. Spock noticed the flustered expression on his Captain’s face and decided it would be more logical to make sure that Jim was alright rather than do tedious work that would take mere minutes of calculations. Spock excused himself and headed out the door, the crew didn’t deny him a break, he did after all just awake from near death.

The doors to Kirk’s quarters opened, he stalled hoping that someone would come out of the elevator and engage him in conversation, but that of course did not happen. He was still hopeful though. Kirk walked into his room and sat down on his favorite chair once again, the soft leather formed around his body making him feel that feint security again. He wondered what his dream meant and how much he truly wished for the unreality of it to become truth. He wondered if he would ever get the change to confess to Spock and ask him what he was dreaming about. I hope it was me. Kirk began to drift away from where he was when a knock on his door could be discerned.

"Spock?" Kirk got up quickly and approached the door, it slide open to reveal a very concerned Vulcan with that same curious face.

“I decided that a conversation between us was needed captain, yesterday was very stressful for you, I thought you would enjoy it.” Spock walked further into Kirk’s room; he had been in here before but never with the reason of pure conversation.

Kirk looked at Spock; he began to feel the warmth grow over him and decided this may be his chance to confess to Spock. “Yes Spock, thank you, I would very much like to engage in conversation.” Kirk sat down this time on the small couch, he wanted Spock to be closer to him if he talked about is feelings. He motioned for Spock to sit down and watched the Vulcan man carefully sit not too near or far from him.

“Yesterday was one of the few times I have had a momentary lapse of reason and acted on what felt right instead of what was logical.” Spock stopped, he appeared to want Kirk to continue to test what he was allowed to express.
“I was so scared yesterday, I was afraid of losing you and everything that happened, those Laputians, they came so quickly and the boulders…”

Kirk paused, he felt a wave of emotions come over him, Spock did care about him, he knew it. I want him to. “What you did, you saved me, again, you acted so bravely Spock, those things you said to me, did you mean them?”

Spock shifted a little and put his hands in his lap neatly folded, “Vulcans do not lie Captain, I meant what I said to you Jim. You are special to me, you and I have been companions for many years now, and of course we have developed a strong bond. This is the truth.”

Kirk felt his heart grow heavy; the moment of telling Spock the truth was arriving steadily. “Spock, you are special to me as well, I would be lost without your logic and McCoy’s cunning wit, but you have been my first office and have always been by my side, I have developed a fondness for you Spock.” Kirk stopped, he was hoping not to distress the Vulcan but Spock looked intrigued.

“I have always had this feeling for you Spock, I feel alone on this feeling, but listen, I sometimes wonder if we have more than a platonic relationship and there is a longing there for more, for us to be more than friends, but companions, I always want you by my side, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love you Spock.” Kirk felt a sharp pain as he uttered the last words, the truth of them so realistic they made Kirk hurt and carry the weight of them.

Spock seemed to have a growing look of curiosity on his face, he breathed in and spoke, “Jim, I have always loved you, but over the years my admiration had grown into a necessity of having you around, seeking your answers, listening to your stories and our games of chess, I enjoy your company, it is something I want no it is something I need.” The urgency of his voice caught Kirk off guard, he felt like he was falling and dizzy and sick, he was so happy to hear the Vulcan felt similar to himself.

“Spock, I, thought I could only dream of you needing me, I would never expect for a strong logic person like yourself to love another man, but you needing me is enough.” Kirk stopped, the tears welled in his eyes and he felt like holding the Vulcan again. “Spock, I have to tell you, while you were lying in the sick bay, I touched your face to know you were alive, I felt so alone knowing you were not there with me.”

Spock moved closer to Jim, “I know, I remember feeling it, and I remember you kissed my cheek, I was mostly unconscious, but that feeling was unmistakable, I enjoyed it, I thought I dreamed it. My dreams while unconscious were very abstract and an almost a sequence of streaming colors forming soft objects floating around, but I remember you holding me, and I felt secure and needed in my dream, a most illogical feeling, but my human side can only be suppressed for so long, a human needs compassion too Jim.”

“I know Spock, it gets lonely here, there is always the crew around, but I want to feel needed by someone that loves me, something I know may never happen, but I know that I do have feelings for you Spock…” Kirk’s voice trailed off, he felt idiotic for bringing this up, the Vulcan never proclaimed love, only loving his companionship. He looked down and breathed slowly. Spock noticed the new tension and spoke.

“Jim, I think you are mistaken in your perceptions about me, even though it is illogical to love a man, a human male at that, the concept of love is illogical in nature, I think you have mistaken my words Captain, I do in fact love you. I love you. Spock liked the sound of those words in his head, the logic was fighting it, but he needed a companion as well. He needed someone to exert his passions on in secrecy and to have them returned. “I do not wish to spend the entity of space here alone without your companionship, I wish to spend them loving you and being by your side something that cannot be fulfilled elsewhere."

Kirk realized he stopped breathing, maybe McCoy was right, everyone needs compassion for someone, it is a universal feeling, the want to be needed and the need to be wanted. “Spock I wish to explore these feelings more, I had a dream that you were holding my hand and confessing your feelings, the dream took me by surprised because I could never imagine you actually retuning my love for you…” Spock reached over and grabbed Kirk’s hand; he wrapped his fingers around his and looked up, “Jim…” Spock moved closer he could feel the heat radiating from Jim’s legs.

“Spock, this gesture is something I have always wanted, the simplicity of being near someone, sharing love and holding their hands, I feel as if in this simple gesture is my past, present, and future…” Spock leaned closer to Kirk, but drew away a little.

“Jim, I, want to do this, I want to see if it works.” Kirk leaned closer to Spock, he had never kissed a man; he had plenty of female lovers, but they never loved him like this. Kirk felt nervous, but the passion and knot in his stomach drew him closer to Spock’s face. “I want this Spock…” His voice trailed off into slight whispers. Their faces met at the lips lightly, drawing each other in a little closer. Kirk wanted this to be delicate and soft unlike his passionate kisses of his woman lovers. Kirk’s lips met Spock’s; the Vulcan’s lips were soft and thicker than Kirk had noticed.

Kirk opened his mouth, as did Spock, Kirk pressed into the kiss tugging at Spock’s upper lip and Spock flicking his tongue back and forth. Kirk restraint himself a little, he wanted to take it slowly. Spock leaned back on the couch and let Kirk pressed down slightly of his body, the pressure felt nice, on Vulcan Pon Farr was a confusing, almost grotesque action, here and now though he was about to make love with someone he loved. Kirk deepened the kiss and rubbed his tongue against Spock’s. Kirk moved his hand slightly up Spock’s shirt feeling his tight stomach quiver, Kirk like knowing he was in control for the moment. Spock made a humming noise and wrapped his arms around Kirk as he lowered down on the small couch more leaving one of his legs dangling off the couch. Kirk slowly lifted off the Vulcan’s shirt, letting his pale soft skin be illuminated by the glow from outside the window.

“Spock, you are beautiful…” Kirk reached down and touched Spock’s body with two fingers running from his long neck down to his navel. Kirk felt the urge to kiss him stomach and cause for Spock to feel the same warmth he did. Spock’s hands slid around to the front of Kirk and lifted off his shirt, he wanted to admire the Captain’s fit body. Spock’s pale body contrasted with Kirk’s tanned flesh, the two leaned close to one another and began to kiss again, softer and slowly letting their tongues go in rhythm. Kirk began to feel a certain stiffness is his pants, but decided to contain himself until he felt Spock was ready. Kirk moved away from Spock’s mouth and down to his long neck, Spock moaned slightly, and Kirk began to get that feeling of warmth growing. Kirk moved to Spock’s hands and sucked on his index finger with vigor, Spock squirmed a little because it was a Vulcan erogenous zone.

“Jim, that feels so good…” Spock began to pant as Kirk sucked deeper and deeper, he wondered what his response would be if he began to suck on his shaft, he could see through Spock’s pants that he was becoming aroused and decided it was time to progress further. “Spock, I don’t want to engage in anything too extreme, I want this to be meaningful.” Spock nodded and began to unbutton Kirk’s pants and pull them off, Spock was surprised by how erect Kirk was already and wanted to please him, but decided to wait. Spock removed his own undergarments and the two men lay on top of one another in the nude and in passion. Kirk liked the feeling of Spock underneath him he rubbed the Vulcan’s sides and felt his skin respond to his touch. Kirk reached down the length of the Vulcan and reached for his own member, his caring stroked it and rubbed it against the Vulcan’s shaft, Spock shivered and grabbed onto Kirk. Kirk grabbed Spock’s shaft and began to lightly play with the head, teasing the slit and circling his index finger around it, Spock responded with tiny whimpers and shivers.

Kirk knew he was enjoying it. Kirk sat up and little and let the Vulcan straddle him in such a way they were both exposed tone another. Kirk kept his hand on Spock’s member and began to gently pump it; Spock leaned forward to kiss Kirk and nipped at his ears. Spock reached forward and wrapped his long slender fingers around. He was afraid and nervous about it; he had never done this before, but continued. Both men were becoming more erect and their passions continued. Kirk became uncomfortably hard and knew he would soon release, he didn’t want it to end, he wrapped his hands around Spock’s and leaned back, he wanted them to enjoy each other. Kirk grinded on Spock and Spock ran his hands on Kirk’s stomach. Kirk felt familiar sweet warmth as his released; he wrapped his arms around Spock and kissed Spock face.

“Are you ready for this Spock?” Kirk breathed in deep, and waited for an answer. “I wish to be held Jim, the feeling of arousing you is enough for me, I wish for our firs time to be on a bed when the mood is right. I needed this though; I needed to confirm these feelings.” Kirk smiled, he felt as if his dreams came true. My dreams are real. “Can I hold you Spock?” Kirk looked into the Vulcan’s eyes and smiled.

“Yes, please do.” Kirk wrapped his arms around the Vulcan and pulled him close to him, he liked the feeling of being surrounded by Spock and the two lay on the small couch with reaffirmed dreams and desires. Kirk felt pleased to know that a serious relationship between Spock and himself would develop and that maybe after all he wouldn’t be alone on the Enterprise. Spock looked up at Kirk and smiled, he felt the distress of his logic in the back of his mind, but for once did not want to worry about it until later that day, he had been logical for long and did not fear a lot, but now with his lapse of logic, he had a new fear, sustaining James T. Kirk.

Time seemingly passed around James Kirk and Spock, they were two beings bonded together by the abstract concept of love, they knew no shame or embarrassment for the moment being, in a way, they were excluded from the reality of life and prevented for realizing the consequences of their actions. For now, a Vulcan man and a human male were blissfully together in an embrace in a lethargic state.

What appeared to them as mere minutes of euphoric passion translated to a few hours in the reality of existing in space. Kirk was the first to stir realizing that he lay with his hands wrapped around a peaceful, naked Vulcan, his vulnerability showed to Kirk, yet Kirk found solace in the soft, pale curvature of the Vulcan’s lean body; he did not want to disturb his dreams that were unfolding, yet he knew that they had to return to the world inside the Enterprise, where Kirk was an intergalactic Captain and Spock was a science officer who kept to himself and rarely showed emotion. Kirk looked up at the ceiling and the ground hoping that Spock would stir on his own, he decided it was best if the silence was disturbed in a more considerate manner rather than someone barging in.

“Spock…” Kirk whimpered almost, he didn’t want the Vulcan to leave his presence; he tugged lightly on the Vulcan’s earlobe with his teeth in hopes of stirring a response. “Spock, we need to return to the bridge, it’s nearing 2pm now and the crew might wonder where exactly the Captain and the Science offer ran off to.” Spock stirred a slight yawn escaped his lips making Kirk get that feeling again in his stomach, he had grow very accustomed already to having the Vulcan near him and knew in a matter of moments Spock would be in motion transforming himself back into the logical and orderly crew member everyone else had grown accustomed to.
Spock turned his head slightly back giving a small purse and grin to his lips, the Vulcan didn’t need words to convey his emotions; they were both pleased.

“Jim, I cannot express my gratitude for the events that have led up to this, for now though, we should return as you mentioned to the bridge, we will discuss this later.” Kirk enjoyed the formality of Spock’s speech; he knew he was teasing him by using proper diction, when he knew Spock wanted to express emotions. Emotions as best expressed at the right moment. Kirk smiled, he knew that very soon; maybe even later this evening Spock would be back here again, but would they always have to sneak around. Spock stood up, his was still in the buff and reached down for his uniform which lay scattered amongst the furniture and ground.

Kirk did not feel like ruining the bliss but the severity of his questions, he knew that Spock would have an answer if he didn’t already and decided to let things run accordingly. Love shouldn’t be so set in stone; when it is real, true love never dies. Kirk felt a little more relieved by his passing thoughts. No sooner had he realized Spock was up and dressing did he notice how intricate and precise the Vulcan was at putting his uniform on. Left leg, right left, left sock, right sock. Kirk admired Spock’s consideration for his appearance and carefulness about his dress.

His consideration could be seen throughout his work, data tables, charts, his theories about the circadian rhythm, and his ability to make love. Kirk knew he himself was not orderly, but the experience that lay under his belt and the philosophic nature of his thoughts kept him in touch with many aspects of his life.

Spock brushed out his hair and smoothed the front of his uniform, “Captain, I am going to return to my work now, shall I tell the crew members of your whereabouts?” Kirk glanced around; he was trying to formulate a plausible reason for being away for so long. “Spock, tell them I have fallen ill, and after bed rest I plan to go visit McCoy down in the sick bay.”

Spock looked as if he was evaluating the situation, “Yes, Captain.” Kirk was a bit bothered by the elongation of Spock’s stream of logic again, he didn’t mind be called Captain, but after the soft cries of Jim, Kirk felt unsure of what was going through Spock’s head. “I will talk to you again later Spock, right?” Spock looked into Kirk’s face and with soft eyes gave a small smile, “Of course, I would enjoy that.” Spock headed towards Kirk’s door when Kirk gave a sudden protest, “Spock, I, I just wanted to say that I love you.”

Kirk felt the need to tell the Vulcan his deep love again to solidify the truth of it. “As I do you, Jim.” Spock gave Kirk a small wave goodbye and proceeded out the entry way; the door slide behind him with a solid thud. Kirk leaned back into the couch, he felt sure of his love for Spock, but wondered what the Vulcan was thinking, he expressed his love and gratitude last night, but couldn’t help but worry it was short lived. Kirk always worried about the mindset of others, he took pride in being able to be interpersonal with people. He loves me, he wouldn’t lie. Kirk did not see the logic in Spock lying to him, but kept pondering through his doubts.

Kirk stood up and reached for his soft fleece pullover, he liked the feeling of something being one him; he didn’t like feeling vulnerable and alone. He bustled about finding his under garments and pants and walked over to his nightstand. He looked at that bottle of Romulan Ale he viewed earlier, but now the bottle has less of s use, at least he hoped. Instead of lonely intoxicated nights, Kirk might now have a companion to share his intimacy with. Ah, yes, the ale can once again be for binging and not necessity. Kirk thought about having a discussion with McCoy about this…after all McCoy knew Kirk as well as Spock did, maybe even a little bit better. The doctor and Kirk often shared many glasses of alcohol and would shoot the breeze discussing the times at the academy, childhoods, Iowa and the dreams in life. He knew much about the doctor that he didn’t think anyone had the pleasure of knowing yet. What a shame, he is such a Wiley old friend. A knock disturbed Kirk’s silence and Kirk looked over at the door thinking his stare might allow him to see who was there.

Kirk walked over to the door slowly, wondering who could be knocking at his door. Was it Spock returning to come burst in with emotions? Kirk doubted it, but opened the door anyways. McCoy was standing in the doorway looking quite frazzled and frumpy.

“Old devil ears here told me you have been sick in your quarters for several hours, I thought I’d spare you the trouble of having to leave you bedroom and come and give you a doctor’s visit.” McCoy grinned with the last words; McCoy always took such good care of the crew, especially Jim Kirk.

“Thanks Bones, why don’t you come in and have a sit, might take a while to explain what’s ailing me.” Kirk had a heavy pause after his statement; he was wondering how to begin to explain to McCoy that Spock and him had just had sex. He was wondering if McCoy was intuitive enough to realize the tension between Spock and himself or whether he was oblivious to the spontaneous nature of the two men.

“So what’s ailing you Jim? Are you in need of something more than a physical and maybe some southern comfort might suit you better.” McCoy had a devilish grin to his lips, it wrapped up, almost if McCoy knew what Kirk was about to say. Kirk cleared his throat and began to breathe heavier; the fear of saying it lay in his throat and prevented him from uttering the words. He was now unsure if he wanted to talk about it or what he wanted to do. McCoy was a doctor, the chief medical officer; he must have logical answers for him.

Kirk ran the words through his head before talking, “Can…Can I interest you in any ale Bones?” Kirk thought the task might be easier if McCoy was more relaxed, in fact, he could use a drink himself. “No, not today Jim, I shouldn’t be drinking before 5, bad practice.” Kirk sighed a little; he decided he would ease into the conversation to avoid McCoy getting too severe with him.

“Bones, you have been in love before haven’t you? Felt the need and desire of wanting someone.” Kirk paused; he felt the need to let McCoy carry the conversation. “I suppose Jim, everyone falls in love at least once in their lives, and whether or not it is serious depends on the circumstances. Why, who’s the luck girl this time?” McCoy smiled, he knew that Jim Kirk fell in love quite often, sometimes for the wrong reasons, McCoy had been keeping a mental track record of Jim Kirk’s love life, and he was just trying to protect Kirk after all.

Kirk hesitated, he decided not to answer the question yet, he didn’t feel ready to and he didn’t think Bones was ready. “How did it feel…being in love? Did it make you hurt inside and sweat with shivers?” Kirk was near stuttering a little, he felt the vulnerability sweeping over him again. McCoy had a growing look of curiosity on his face, his eyebrows arched higher than normal making Kirk worry that McCoy was growing impatient with his roundabout answers.

“Well Jim, I haven’t been in love in over a decade, sure I get a fancy for a woman who smiles at me or says, ‘Thank you doctor’, but I haven’t had a serious relationship in a while, this old southern heart almost forgets the feeling. I suppose there is meant to be yearning for it; it is needed to keep the love alive.” McCoy paused for a second; he looked like he was picking up on something. “Jim, what’s wrong, you aren’t usually this indirect about your problems, usually you are either open about it or sure and confident…”

Tears welled up in Jim Kirk’s eyes, his mouth was silent, but the lips moved and formed the words Spock softly. McCoy eyes widened, after being a doctor for many decades reading lips became a second language to McCoy.

“Good God Jim, you mean, Spock?” McCoy grew silent. “I guess that drink is sounding like a fine idea after all Jim, I am going to need it if you are going to confess your love for pointy ears.” McCoy smiled, he was just messing around with Jim trying to lighten the mood, Kirk wiped his eyes and went over to the nightstand and took two glasses from underneath it and grabbed the elusive crystal bottle.

“Bones, I am sorry I couldn’t say it, this is hard for me, all so confusing, and I feel as if I am lost in the depth of an enigma, naked and sweltering hot.” Kirk sat down with a heavy thud stretching his legs outwards towards McCoy, he opened the bottle and poured two fully glasses of the ale out; heartfelt confessions need full doses of a doctor’s prescription.

Bones picked up the glasses and swirled the liquid around it made a pretty image watching it turned endlessly, Bones held it to his mouth just above his lips, “Is this the ale I got you for your birthday?” Bones drank most of it down; he let out a short click of his mouth as the ale ran down his throat and into his heart. “Yes, it is Bones; you usually give me convenient presents.” Kirk held his own glasses of his mouth and drank a little down, he himself did not want to be drunk, he wanted to relax. McCoy looked at Kirk, straight into his eyes and let out a sigh and nodded his head slowly, “When did all of this happen, or what has happened Jim? After that story yesterday I had the sneaking suspicious that something was going to happen between the two of you, there always has been that innate connection between a man and his officer.” McCoy looked down and waited for a response.
“I don’t know Bones, one minute Spock is confessing his admiration to me and the next minutes we are making love on my couch…” Kirk trailed off, this was hard for him to say.

McCoy shifted slightly in his seat, he was sitting on that couch after all, he looked up with a gap in his mouth, he wasn’t surprised, but it was still hard for a doctor to comprehend his two best friends had been playing doctor on one another’s anatomy. “You and Spock, on this couch, I figured that was why you two were gone, he is like a loyal dog, following you and never leaving your side, it must be reassuring Jim.” McCoy paused; Kirk could see the seriousness in his eyes and felt a bit afraid. “Bones, I am sorry for all of this, it just happened.” Kirk waited, he wanted to hear McCoy talk again.

“Jim, I am not mad, it is just hard for me to have to hear, let alone have to live with everyday. The three of us have had some good times, quite enjoy the goblin’s unintentional sarcasm, it livens my day. I just don’t know if I could handle seeing the two of you looking at one another in a different light.” McCoy stopped talking for a minute, Kirk fumbled in his seat; he sensed something was now bothering McCoy. McCoy began to speak, “Jim, I haven’t been in love in years, I don’t remember who the last woman I laid with was, but I do what feels right, being a doctor made me disregard the ethical answer for I have seen how uninteresting they really are…I just always had some silly premonition…” He stopped suddenly and had a look of fear in his eyes; he big blue eyes became large and open to the world.

“Bones, what is on your mind, you are trying to say something too, I know.” McCoy sighed, “It’s nothing Jim, it is too late now anyhow, I never had good timing with things that didn’t have a medical procedure behind them.” Kirk froze a little, he knew what the doctor was talking about, he needed to hear for himself though what the doctor was referring to. “Bones, go ahead, I am listening.” Kirk reached his hand over to the doctor’s and grabbed his hand and patted it. “It is alright for you to open up to me, we have had many nights of talking and laughter pains and aches…” McCoy interrupted Kirk, “Jim, I’m in love with you.” Kirk felt the sting of the statement and only knew that it was cruel irony that two men would confess their adoration for him.

“Maybe, it isn’t love, but I have admired you from afar, I am a doctor Jim, I try not to get attached to people, I try to remain the intuitive outsider, but you, something about you captivated me, you assurance, you passion for life, you boldness, I envied it and wanted to make it my own. You talk to woman so easily; you are a social creature, and I? I remain in the backlights of the storyline, alone, waiting for the one person to come along and see me for who I am the shy and very afraid surgeon from the south. I have fears too; I just hide them away behind my operation mask or have glittering smiles. I have wished this day to come and never come, I never thought it would happen on the same day you confess to me the relations you have had with Spock, never.” McCoy stopped and took a long drawn breath. Kirk swallowed hard, he wasn’t sure what to tell the doctor, he had always admired him, thought of him as a good friend, but now he was seeing Bones in a different light in the darkness of the room, possibly the most truthful light he had ever seen him in before, he sat before him exposed while being honest going into battle with hidden fear.

“Bones, I, I would have never imagined you to have feelings for me, I have always thought of you as one of my best friends, I can tell you the world and you protect me and have brought me back so many times. I would have never thought our paths would cross this way. It is unexpected, but not in a bad way, I just don’t know what to do…” McCoy leaned closer to Jim Kirk, the glow of the bottle illuminating his striking blue eyes. “Jim, I don’t expect you to do anything but be honest with an old country doctor, you tell me your ailments and let me into your thoughts, something I have always treasured, I can’t expect you to become the lover of two men when you haven’t even made proper love to either of us…” McCoy seemed to be blushing behind the dark recesses of the shadows. He is telling the truth. Kirk felt a familiar burning sensation in his stomach, a combination of fear, want and desire for the unknown being curbed by the thought of the solace he found in the Vulcan’s hips.
“Bones, I don’t know what to do, I am in love with Spock, but I could be equally in love with you. I could be in love with both of you.” Kirk stopped; he didn’t know what to say. He felt an urge to reach over and touch McCoy’s face and feel the worn skin and have the love transfer from one body to another. “Jim…” McCoy’s voice seemed to fade out as if he was slightly ashamed by saying his name. Kirk reached his hand over and touched McCoy’s the calloused hands felt different than the Vulcan’s fine skin, it was a badge of many fine tasks and rough work done with them. He rubbed the tops of them with his thumbs reassuring McCoy all was well, at least for this brief moment.

“I want this, I want you and Spock, I was to give my love to both of you, I don’t know what is logical in the world right now, but right now I want you to get a fair chance to express yourself. I can’t promise anything besides this one chance, I have already been vulnerable in front of Spock and I won’t take back the promise I made to him, but I want to let you let yourself become freer.

Kirk leaned towards McCoy he wasn’t going to push anything on him, he couldn’t bear to see Bones like this, frazzled, sad with a glint of desperation in those eyes. If McCoy kissed him than it was a good enough temporary agreement for him to express himself, if he walked away, then he would not to bring it up again for several days. Kirk waited a moment and was about to pull back into the glimmering light bouncing off the bottles exterior when he saw McCoy lean forward from out of the darkness, he had a soft look on his face, eyes relaxed and sense of new curiosity filled the room. McCoy stopped inches before Kirk’s face, he looked over the man’s strong face, bold chin and gleaming hair. “Jim, I haven’t kissed anyone in years, let alone a man ever in my life, I am a bit rusty on the technique, but the truth behind it will be genuine, give me some time and I will work the kinks out of this old dusty heart of mine.” Kirk couldn’t help but give of a tiny glint of a smile, he felt swept up in this moment, as if the truth of the world was this and nothing else.

“I am ready for this, I feel ready for this.” McCoy no longer looked apprehensive, the curiosity had grown into something real, he could tell Bones was ready to open up his heart and let Kirk venture inside the labyrinth of a doctor’s inner sanctum. Kirk leaned forward just slightly; he wanted McCoy to take charge of the situation, he wanted to see what the doctor had in him, he wanted to see even if for a moment the true, exposed Bones that he only ever saw at the bottom of a bottle. McCoy leaned in, his finger tips on Kirk’s upper arms, McCoy liked the feeling of his musculature, since he himself was rather scrawny, he ran his finger tips over his skin feeling it tighten and shiver a little under his touch.

The Medical officer was in control of the Captain, guiding what his heart wanted and Kirk’s heart equally following. He pulled Kirk over to the couch, he wanted him closer to him, he wanted to have another body’s warmth close to him. He slid his fingers from his arms down to around Kirk’s waist, he wrapped his arms around his upper body and brought him in close, Kirk surrendered to the doctor’s wants temporarily and leaned in more to the kiss, feeling McCoy’s needing behind the small pecks. McCoy opened his mouth a little wider; he was after all inexperienced and decided to let Kirk take more of the lead for now. Kirk brought his body closer to McCoy’s feeling the warmth radiating from the man’s chest; he ran his hands over the blue medical officer shirt and up the nape of McCoy’s neck. He ran his hands through his hair with a wild exoticism and brought the man’s face deeper within his own. The kiss wasn’t violent, just a passionate gently, lips nipping and tongues flickering softly in and out their hands in a steady motion. Kirk liked feeling both in control and out of control, he was leaving the progressions up to Bones, he wanted to see what he wanted.

McCoy moved his mouth away from Kirk’s, he knew that for this moment that he was in control of Kirk and he knew it would be difficult for the man to surrender himself, he was use to being in charge. He kissed Kirk’s cheek and moved slowly down his jaw slowly, not wanting to rush anything. McCoy looked into Kirk’s devilish eyes, he knew that for maybe the only time in his life he could touch the Captain and the Captain would touch him back, all those physicals and check-ups would now have no comparison to this moment. Kirk Lifted up his arms allowing for bones to take off his shirt. McCoy stared at Kirk’s bare chest, his pectorals and stomach muscles flat and taut. McCoy felt a little shy to take off his own shirt, he was less impressive than the Captain. Kirk smiled and kissed McCoy on the mouth reassuring him it was alright to bare none in front of him. McCoy smirked and lifted off his own shirt revealing an equally flat chest; however, unlike Kirk McCoy was a glowing pale similar to Spock’s mysterious glow. Kirk ran his hands down the front of McCoy, he had never seen the doctor without his uniform, he only ever saw his lower arms in his short sleeved uniform. McCoy had a soft, yet, slightly furry lowered stomach. Kirk admired having a different aesthetic pleasure and rested his head on McCoy’s chest. McCoy wrapped his arms around Kirk and brought his head up to his face. The two men kissed again, a new feeling of passion swept over them.

McCoy lowered Kirk back into the couch and smiled, “You know Jim, I don’t think I have ever really appreciated all those hours you have put in at the gym.” Bones ran his hands down Kirk’s chest feeling his muscles again. Kirk nodded and smiled, “I am happy to see you in something besides your uniform for once; I quite admire your physique.” The two men smiled and felt comfortable with one another. McCoy reached down and put his hand on Kirk’s thigh, the muscles underneath the materials flinched and relaxed, McCoy ran his hands up to Kirk’s stomach and then down the front of his pants, taking an extra cautious time around Kirk’s hardening groin. As a doctor McCoy knew a great deal about the male anatomy, something Jim Kirk would soon learn. McCoy ran his hand over the bulge of Kirk’s pants watching the man squirm with pleasure and discomfort. McCoy decided to lower his own pants and to tug off Kirk’s. Kirk closed his eyes and he let himself go, he was fully exposed to McCoy now. McCoy grinned, he could see that he was arousing someone and pleasing them, this was a new sensation for the doctor.

He wrapped his fingers only around the head of Kirk’s shaft moving slowly as he seemingly was teasing Kirk to exhaustion. Kirk’s breathing picked up, he was getting more and more lost in the doctor’s stare. Kirk looked up and slid his hands into McCoy’s briefs; McCoy still had some modesty and left this article of closing on to let the imagination work. Kirk reached inside and ran a finger down McCoy’s member; he felt it pulsating under the pressure of his fingertips, he ran his index finger over the slit and around the head, circling around the tender areas. McCoy let out a whimper and leaned closer to Kirk, he lay on top of him looking into his eyes, he leaned his head down and kissed his lips tenderly, flickering the front of his tongue and his gently sucking on his lowered lip. McCoy sat up for a second to removed his own briefs to allow himself to be more free and allow for his hot member to brush up against Kirk. The sensation was unbearable.

Kirk began to move his hips under McCoy and run his hands down his sides, the feelings of release was eminent. Kirk felt his shaft grow rigid and moved his hand down to stroke it, he felt the heat growing hotter and hotter in his stomach, he needed to let go of everything that had happened. He needed reassurance from both men that this would turn out alright and that love was a possible thing. McCoy and Kirk lay on top of one another naked and vulnerable, McCoy kissing Kirk and Kirk kissing him back. Kirk gave a final pump to McCoy’s member when a familiar warmness was felt from his own member. The two lay in ecstasy and breathed heavily as the recollection of what had just happened came into their minds. They made love, and they were exposed. Kirk felt both euphoric and sick at the same instance. What is Spock going to think? Kirk felt a knot in his stomach and he began to reconsider what had just happened. The Vulcan he had loved for so long would not understand the logic of this.

There was no logic to love.

Kirk looked up at McCoy and McCoy smiled, “Thanks, Jim, I had forgotten how satisfying it feels to release when not in the company of your own hand.” The doctor tried to lighten the mood; he sensed the reality closing in on the both of them. Kirk’s door made a creak noise as the door slide back revealing Spock standing there with a clipboard in hand with a small flower in its grip. Kirk saw the Vulcan’s expression as he looked up to see his own two best friend’s naked lying in the same ecstasy he had just experienced an hour before. Spock had an open gap to his mouth and wideness is his eyes Kirk had never see, logic had left his body for the moment and it looked as if Spock was going to dissipate into particles of dust. Kirk felt shattered and wanted to run over to him and cry as if the world they knew was about to end. In a way it was. Spock slowly backed away from the door blinking and breathing heavily. The shock was causing for the Vulcan to experience an emotion new to him, denial.

“Spock!” That was the only word Kirk could manage to get out before the Vulcan disappeared behind the closing door and the darkness set in. McCoy lay there looking down at the floor with a frightened expression of his face. What had we done? Kirk and McCoy stood there feeling vulnerable and exposed to the truth that they had just unveiled to the Vulcan. The truth that none of them knew what the answer was, or even if there was any truth in finding an answer. All lay silent in Kirk’s room except for the soft, muffled cry that began to spill from the inner chambers of a broken Captain’s heart.