Happiest Day

2.

Nothing changed, yet every thing changed. Gibbs could feel it inside. After first it was happiness, Tim happy, so happy he practically glowed with it and Gibbs couldn’t help but to be happy too, happy every time he say Tim and the waves of pure joy that seemed to emanate off of him. Soon though something else began to form inside of him. The heaviness and the pain that had always been there when he got engaged, in the back of his mind, the pit of his stomach. He knew, deep down he knew it had been a mistake. Every other time he had ignored it, shoved it down inside of him and told himself it would go away. Except he knew it wouldn’t. He knew it would be there growing bigger and uglier until everything he did, every time they spent time together, would be tinted with it, until he would cease to care.

It hurt. It had hurt the last three times but it hurt this time most of all. Because the pain had never been there with Tim. He and Tim’s relationship had always been different, freer, devoid of pain, the only good thing he’d down in a long, long time.

Tim had wanted a spring wedding so they planned it for May. A month and a half into their engagement Gibbs lay on his side in bed watching Tim sleep. The clock on the bedside table said three o’clock in the morning but Gibbs hadn’t slept at all. Instead he watched Tim, watched the way his face relaxed in sleep, the way his hair gently fell cross his forehead, his long lashes brushed against his cheeks. Tim had never wanted to save Gibbs or change him, he had only ever wanted Gibbs to be himself. He was intelligent, funny, caring and one of the best agents Gibbs had ever worked with. Gibbs had been so sure this relationship would be the one, the first one since Shannon he wouldn’t screw up. It was then that Gibbs realized he couldn’t do it. All three of his previous wives he could do it to but not Tim, he couldn’t hurt him like that. Gently so as not to wake him Gibbs reached forward and brushed the hair away from Tim’s face then kissed him softly on the cheek, saying goodbye. In his sleep Tim sighed softly but did not wake.

Gibbs broke up with Tim after work the next day in the parking garage. He was cool, business like and Tim sat in Gibbs’ care frozen for a few minutes then without a word got out and walked back into the NCIS building. Gibbs stared straight head of him until Tim was out of sight then let his head fall forward onto the steering wheel. He wondered if Tim had gone to find Ziva to help him finish Gibbs off and a large part of Gibbs really hoped they would. He didn’t go home straight way instead spent several hours driving around, cursing himself in every way he knew how. When he finally did go home, Tim’s clothes, and typewriter where gone. As was jethro, his bed and food dishes. For a long moment Gibbs just stood there in the hall listening to the empty house around him. Then headed for the basement. He spent the rest of the night sitting staring at the boat drinking whisky. A small jar of paint sat next to him on the work bench and Gibbs knew what he had to do but couldn’t quite bring himself go do it.

3.

Tim didn’t come to work the next day, or the day after that. On the second day Jenny Shepard paged Gibbs to come to her office.

“What did you do?”

Gibbs hadn’t even gotten all the way through the door. He closed the door behind him and walked to a chair without answering.

“It’s personal.”

“Jethro, one of my agents hasn’t showed up for work in two days, and although I really rather not hear about you two’s private life I need to know what’s going on.”

He sighed

“We were engaged and now we’re not.”

She stared at him over her glasses

“Oh no, no, no. Don’t tell me you were that stupid, Gibbs again!”

He stared at her stunned.

“For God sakes, you never learn do you.”

She snatched off her glasses and practically through them on the desk in front of her.

“Tim loved you, and you just broke it off. You know for an agent as smart as you are you can be truly stupid.”

He felt anger rise up within him, how dare she? He opened his mouth, but Jen stopped him with a raise of her hand as she stood, pacing behind her desk.

“No, no listen Jethro, for once just listen to me. You’ve got to figure this out. It’s been years and three marriages, and this is ridiculous. You’re a grown man it’s time you made some decisions, so think. Do you love Tim? Are you ready to let go of Shannon. No, don’t say anything!”

She took a breath.

“Really think about this. Don’t just go rushing off with your gut feeling. I know that’s how you work but for once try the intellectual approach. Take some time off, I’m not asking, and really think about this and make some decisions. Just for God sakes stop this ‘keeping all your feeling bottled up inside’ crap. You’ve already ruined three marriages and dragged me, Tim and the rest of your team through this long enough.”

She pointed at the door.

“Now go, I don’t want to see you in the office for another three days.”

He wanted to stay, to give her a piece of his mind but he was afraid of what might happen if he did. No one had ever spoken to him before like that. Silently he got up walked to the door and left, heading straight for his car, ignoring the panicky and stunned looks from both Ziva and Tony.

The first night he got good and drunk. Yet as the next day wore on, he found himself doing exactly what Jen had told him to. Sitting next to his boat in the basement, be began to think about his first marriage, about Shannon and Kelly, and about his relationship with Tim. He found Tim’s MIT t-shirt under the bed. He played Kelly’s tape until he couldn’t stand it anymore. Then he just sat and replaying every memory of the two of them again and again in his mind behind his eyes. He wasn’t sure what time it was when he moved, night, after midnight or very early morning. Slowly he got up and made his way across the basement to the boat, slowly he picked up the pot of black paint. Carefully he began to stencil letters onto the side. Carefully brush stroke by brush stroke he painted an uppercase ‘T’ onto the side of the boat then stopped. He stood there frozen for how long he had no idea just looking at the ‘T’ then the hand holding the paintbrush fell to his side and he let his head fall against the cool smooth side of the boat. He didn’t even realize he had begun to cry until the tears fell onto the new paint causing it to begin to