Hurt

Rose woke up, as always before dawn to watch the stars disappear as the sun rose. It always reminds her of how she came to be here, how he disappeared from her life so unexpectedly and suddenly. No, not disappeared – wrenched from her life so abruptly.
Of how he disappeared on the beach, of how she left him alone when she had no intention of doing so.
She absently rubs her hand over her two heart beats, knowing she should feel a lot more than she’s feeling now.

Which is nothing. She doesn’t feel a thing.

But this doesn’t worry her – she hasn’t felt a thing for a long while. She just can’t. Endlessly cold, she thought to herself, in what would have been regret if she could feel. She didn’t want to be like this, but she knew that it was better, better to feel nothing than to feel everything. To feel like her whole body, her whole world, her whole universe had burned, was burning, forever burning, the salve to her pain unreachable. Yes, she reflected, it is better to be cold. Better for her, better for her Mother, better for little Jack, better for everyone.
To be honest, she liked the sense of detachment – it gave her more objectivity when dealing with difficult situations at Torchwood. She considered herself to be more fair – letting her heart rule her head had only got her (and others) hurt, so she found that just using your head is much more prudent, for herself and for everyone else. Of course, there were those who called her merciless, cold, unfeeling, just generally a bitch. But they just didn’t understand. She has complete control over her life, instead of letting her emotions take over. And not many people have that.
But deep down, she knew that she should feel shame, repentance, compassion for a lot of the beings and situations she has dealt with. What would he think of her now? With surprise, she felt her hearts skip a beat. Well, heartbeats is a bit of an exaggeration. Only one is a heartbeat, the other is more like a dull throbbing above her heart. The emotional inhibitor.
“Hmmm that was unusual – maybe it’s getting faulty…” Rose murmurs to herself, as she brushes her hair.
She studies her reflection in the mirror. It’s been 10 years since that day at the beach and she hasn’t changed at all. Still bright blonde, still a little too much mascara - if he saw her now he would have no trouble recognizing her. She knew that she should be surprised that she hasn’t got one wrinkle, one grey hair (she grew out the dye one year, just to check) – she is ever youthful. But she’s not Rose. Not the Rose he knew. Where her eyes were full of mischief, innocence, curiosity, always twinkling, showing every emotion she felt, there is nothing. Her eyes are flat, lifeless.
Satisfied with her reflection, she goes downstairs for breakfast. As always, her mother has made a pot of tea, a plate of toast and is fussing over Jack’s breakfast. Her father already at work. Rose murmurs good morning and makes a cup of tea. Her Mum smiles brightly (too brightly) at her, “Morning, Love! Have a good sleep?”
Rose makes a vague noise of affirmation.
It scared her Mum at first, seeing Rose so dull. She had lost that sparkle. Even when she lost the Doctor, at least she felt something. In fact, she felt too much. It was agony, pure agony. From what she remembers anyway. Her inhibitor gave another skip. Rose jumps slightly and frowns, knowing it’s not possible for it to break. It just can’t! Panic would’ve set in if she had the capacity to feel it.
Jackie, who’d been watching her daughter out of the corner of her eyes (as always. She is forever hopeful that Rose will change back one day.) jumps up and rushes to her daughter’s side.
“What’s the matter, sweetheart? What’s happened?” Hope stringent in every syllable.
Rose’s face clears. “Nothing. It’s fine. I’m fine. Everything’s fine.” She says almost robotically.
“Oh.” Disappointed, Jackie sits back down.
“Right, well, I’m off to work now. I’ll be back at 5, yeah?” She gets up, picks her keys up and kisses her mother on the cheek – a meaningless gesture, full of the love she knew she was supposed to feel but didn’t. Jackie flinches, same as all the other times when Rose had kissed her on the cheek, after the operation.
“Yeah. Bye”
Rose walked to work, her stance no longer had that excited bounce – her back straight and stiff. As she walked, she thought of the Doctor. She knew she was supposed to miss him, love him. Her best friend, almost-lover and soulmate. She thought of his face, of his manic expressions, how his face lit up when he suddenly worked something out, how he looked at her – so loving -, how his tie and hair were always a mess when he—
She gasped. The vibrations in her chest suddenly stopped. Tears gathered in her eyes as she felt a split second’s worth of all the regret, disgust, love for her family, love for the Doctor and pain, so much pain that she thought her heart would—
Better, much better. It started working again. She sighed and wiped way the tell-tale tears. This she did not need. She’s going to have to speak to—
And then she heard it. That noise. The one and only sound that can only be associated with him. The whirring sound of a space ship that is bigger on the inside, that can disappear in one place and materialize in another. The sound of matter travelling through time and space. The sound of the impossible.

Her heart exploded.

There is no other way to describe it. Emotions crashed down on her like a huge wave and she couldn't move for a second. Then she started to run and run towards that wonderful noise. She skidded to a halt in front of her beloved TARDIS just as the door opened and the most beautiful thing stepped out and grinned down at her, looking very pleased with himself.
She just stared.
He frowned – clearly this wasn’t how he imagined their reunion to be like.
“Rose?”
She could only stare. There was a roaring sound in her ears as she felt every emotion under the sun.
"But how...?" she murmered softly, still staring at him in wonder.
Clearly worried now, he takes a step forward, arms extended towards her and he calls tenderly to her again,
“Rose?”
She launches herself at him, arms around his neck, legs around his waist, clinging to him, kissing his face over and over while huge sobs fell from her trembling lips.

She knew, just knew, that never would she feel nothing again.

She finally calms down and buries her face in his neck. Slowly she realises that he’s whispering her name over and over in her ear, stroking her hair. It felt unbelievably good to be in his arms.
All too soon though, he gently untangles her and sets her in front of him, his hands cradling her face. He looked at her like she was the most precious thing on this earth. And to him, she was. Rose just closed her eyes, nuzzling into his hands.
“No, Rose. Look at me.” Uncharacteristically serious, that must be bad, she thought. So she refused to open her eyes, shaking her head slightly.
“Rose, please look at me. I…I want to…tell you something. Something important.” Now he sounded almost…tortured.
She could never be the one to put such pain in his voice, so she opens her eyes and looks straight into his brown ones. The emotion she saw there stunned her and she knew that her eyes expressed the exact same emotion, maybe more.
The eyes crinkle up as he smiles, her favourite lop-sided smile and she couldn’t help but smile back.
“Hello.” He says, grinning gently.
“Hello”. She says quietly, breathlessly, grinning right back at him.
“Rose…MY Rose. When I lost you…it was… what I’m trying to say is… what I would like to say is…well, when you left…" He raked his hand through his hair and huffed with frustration. "I mean, when you where gone…I mean, when you were taken away from me…I never said…I mean, I never told you that…Iloveyou” He says quickly, ducking his head, embarrassed.
He felt soft fingers under his chin and never one to resist her, he lifted his head and looked directly into her honey gaze, his breath caught as her lips inched, so slowly, too slowly towards his until they become one, their lips interlocking in the most knee-trembling, heart-stopping, gut-wrenchingly beautiful kiss.
They both knew then that never – never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, thought the Doctor – would they let each other go. Ever, he thought, decidedly.

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*

D'ya get the feeling that I was a li'l angsty when I wrote this?? Lol!
I wrote this AGES ago, but recent events in the new series of Dr Who (which is surprisingly good! I actually LIKE Donna as the Dr's companion - I'm sorry to say that Martha was/is completely crap as companion. But I digress...) in which Prof River Song was all over the Doc and I just had to remind meself (and others lol)that the Doctor truly loves Rose and that they should make lots of Time Lord babies! You all know it makes sense :D
Yeah, okay, I'm a Doctor Who (and Rose) obsessive and PROUD, babies! lol
I hope you liked the read and reviews would be niceings :)
S
xxx