Pieces

I watched her walk out the door. It was the same thing, every time, I’d let her get so close, and then I pushed her away. Stupid, so freaking stupid! I slammed my flat palm into the wall, feeling it crack under the contact. I was mentally cursing myself for what I was doing,. Why couldn’t I just accept her? Why couldn’t I let her in?

Because I didn’t want her to die. I didn’t want to hold her in my arms, watching the life drain from her. I couldn’t do it, wouldn’t do it. My forehead rested against the wall as I tried to block the images that haunted me every time I saw her. I hated this, the helplessness of knowing what was to come and unable to stop it. If I kept her away, I could save her, it wouldn’t be me holding her when she died.

That thought shook me, my head jerking up from where it was. What if it wasn’t me holding her? What if she died alone, what if a stranger was the one who held her as she took her last breath? I grabbed the sides of my head, screaming wordless in frustration. I couldn’t keep doing this! Why can’t I just stop these thoughts, these images? No, keeping my distance was how I needed to handle this. I felt it, I knew it was right.

But why does it hurt so bad? Why do I feel an ache when she leaves the room, like someone was tearing the very breath from me, taking my heart from my chest?

I ripped the jacket off, throwing it on the floor, feeling as if it was suffocating me as I paced in the apartment. Caged, like an animal, that was how I felt. My inner thoughts warred with each other, one wanting to run to her, the other wanting her as far away from me as possible. I’d almost gotten myself killed again, earlier, trying to be a hero again.

Why did I have this need to make things right? Claire tells me I’m just a good person, maybe I’m trying too hard? Maybe I should concentrate on those close to me?

I slid my hands into my hair, grasping it as I closed my eyes trying to just put her out of my mind.

I can’t do this.

I can’t leave her alone, and I can’t keep hurting myself, her, this way.

She was another part of my life that I kept screwing up, hurting her over and over by trying to save her. I couldn’t tell her what I saw, couldn’t tell her every time I got close I had to block those images, the fear welled deep inside me. It made it hard to breathe, hard to swallow. Fear that overwhelming. I felt it when I was with her. I couldn’t bear the thought of holding her as she died.

But I can’t save the world can I? Event after event has happened, pulling us this way and that and always I find myself at her door, wanting only to have her wrap her arms around me and tell me everything will be fine. I’d lost Simone, could I lose her too?

Could I live through the pain of knowing if I’d kept my distance she might be alive? Could I live without her? Did I want to?

The other side of my brain worked against me, making me doubt. What if my leaving her alone is what brings her death? What if by staying away, I bring about everything I fear?

Life is what you make of it. I’d heard those words. Destiny is in our own hands, our own choices, nothing is written in stone. Nothing.

I’d had other visions, and they didn’t happen, we’d changed things.

I could change it.

There was no thought other than her. I could only think about her brown eyes, her smile, the way her hair fell around her face as I ran down that hall yelling her name.

I saw her there on the stairs, stopping as I yelled her name once more. She looked up at me, her eyes bright with tears and she was the most beautiful thing I think I’d ever seen. Seeing her there, on those stairs, my heart swelled and I didn’t care what might happen, only the here and now. I’d risk my life for her. I’d die to protect her. Nothing mattered to me but being with her.

Only her.