The Hercules Picture Show

"Eddie!" A young lady with short hair and sparkly clothes ran in, her shoes making unusual tapping sounds with every step. She threw her arms around the heavy man's neck. "You left me all alone! I was starting to miss you." She started to kiss him when she noticed Hercules and Iolaus. "Whoa, hunk-a-rama!"
"What am I?" asked Eddie. "Chopped liver?"
"Uh, hi." said Hercules. "I'm Hercules. And this is my friend Iolaus."
She smiled appreciatively. "My name's Columbia. I can tap dance. Wanna see?" Before anyone could answer, Columbia went into her dance, the sound of her shoes reverberating off the halls. Her dance ended with a series of spins and a pratfall.
"That was, um," Hercules searched for words as he politely applauded. "Different."
"Hey, Herc." said Iolaus. "Wanna see my tap dance?" He reached in his pocket and took out a tap he got from a wine casket in Thrace. He hummed a tune and made the tap dance back and forth. All present groaned at the horrible pun. Iolaus felt someone rubbing a towel rather roughly over his damp hair. "Oh, uh, thank you." he said, taking the towel to dry off. Hands were removing his vest. "That's not really..." The hands were unlacing his pants. "Hey! Stop that!" Since the hands were decidedly female, he only put up a token effort to stop them. He looked up to see Hercules getting divested by Magenta as he tried to dry off. "Herc!"
"It's alright, Iolaus." said Hercules. "We'll play along for now." Magenta removed Hercules' belt and started peeling down his leather pants, leaving him in nothing more than a scant breechcloth.
"Slowly, slowly!" Columbia admonished as she took up the damp clothes. "It's too nice a job to rush!"
"You, know, this really isn't necessary." Herc said, obviously uncomfortable about being nearly naked in front of a small group of strangers.
"The master likes to see that his guests are...comfortable." said Riff-Raff.
"Well, meeting someone while being nearly naked is making me uncomfortable." said Hercules. Iolaus saw something and tried to get Hercules' attention. A black clad figure was descending to the floor in a strange steel cage.
"Uh, Herc, I think we better leave." said Iolaus.
"Iolaus, I'm not leaving without my clothes." said Hercules.
"But- but..." The dark figure was almost right next to them. "It- just doesn't seem healthy here."
"I'm here." Hercules said confidently. "There's nothing to worry about." The dark figure turned to reveal a pale, ghoulish face.
"Except that!" Iolaus gasped.
The ghoul smiled benignly and opened the cage with a dramatic flick of his head. "Is it true?" the ghoul said with a voice that seemed both feminine and masculine. "Is it true that I am in the presence of the great Hercules?"
"Um, yes." said Hercules. "That would be me."
The ghoul grinned, revealing dazzling white teeth set off by thick red lipstick. "You're even better looking than Steve Reeves!" He said appreciatively.
"Uh, who's Steve Reeves?" Hercules asked.
"Oh, never mind, never mind." said the ghoul, drinking in the sight of the two almost naked warriors. "Riff Raff, go set the table. Magenta, see that dinner is served. Columbia, go assist Magenta. Eddie, take the clothes to the laundry. Oh, take this with you." He whipped off the thick black cloak he had been wearing, revealing the strangest garments Hercules and Iolaus had ever seen on a man or woman. The ghoul was obviously male. He wore a corset revealing a flat chest, accessorized with a pearl necklace, black briefs and stockings that seemed to be made of fish nets. The two watched, their mouths agape.
"Now, don't get strung out on the way I look, darlings." the ghoul admonished them as the servants departed. "Can't judge a scroll by its cover, you know. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Dr. Frank N. Furter. Frankie to my nearest and dearest. I can't tell you how thrilling it is to at last be able to play host to the mighty Hercules." Frank batted his eyes at Hercules. "So, who's your little friend?"
"Little friend?" bristled Iolaus. "I'll show you, little friend!"
"Iolaus, don't be ungrateful." said Hercules.
"Ungrateful!" Iolaus' fists balled in an effort not to throttle their host.
"Ooh, aren't we a feisty fireball!" gasped Frank. He looked Iolaus over. "You...you've got that, that...spark! I like it! And what charming underclothes you both have." Frank took a pair of bathrobes off a coat hook. "Here, put these on. They'll make you feel less, er, vulnerable." Hercules and Iolaus put the robes on. "I've heard so much about you, Hercules." Frank continued. "About your grand strength. About your manly dominance. You must be awfully proud of him, Iolaus."
"Uh, well, I'm proud to have him as a friend if that's what you mean." Iolaus said, flustered.
"Do you have any tattoos, Herc?" Frank asked.
Hercules was taken aback by the sudden question. "Uh, no I don't." he said. It was an odd question. Frank had seen him wearing little more than a breechcloth. Where was he going to hide a tattoo?
"Oh, well." shrugged Frank. He turned to Iolaus. "How 'bout you?" Iolaus just shook his head.
The crash of a gong being sounded filled the room. "Master!" shouted Magenta. "Dinner is prepared!"
"Come along then, darlings." Frank told his guests. "Under the circumstances, formal dress is to be optional."
So there they were. Nearly naked. Seated at a table across from Eddie and Columbia. Magenta sloppily poured their wine in mismatched goblets and tossed napkins in their general directions. Riff-Raff wheeled out a steaming side of beef and produced an unusual cutting tool to Frank, who began to carve. The cutting tool made an odd humming sound as it sliced through the meat like butter. Riff-Raff carelessly doled out slices of meat. Eddie tried to sample his before everyone else was served. Frank gave him a few warning jabs with the cutting tool to convince him otherwise. When the meat was doled out, Magenta and Riff-Raff took their places behind Frank. Frank stood and raised his goblet. "A toast." Everyone raised their goblets. "To absent friends." All present drank to the toast. "And, to Hercules! Hercules, regale us with a tale of one of your great deeds."
"Well," said Hercules. "Not too long ago Iolaus and I fought a dragon just outside Boetia."
"Ooh, that must've been hot!" Frank commented.
"Well, it kinda was." Hercules agreed. "This one, lucky for us, wasn't a fire breather. It was a steam breather. But, steam can be scalding too."
"Oh, yes," said Frank. "I know. And all those teeth."
"Yeah." said Hercules. "The front end of a dragon is not something you want to come in contact with."
"Or the back end." commented Iolaus.
Frank smiled at him. "Iolaus, how long have you and Hercules been...together?"
"Well, let me think." Iolaus said, taking a few bites. "We met when we were kids. I guess I was about ten when we first met. There were periods of separation. We went to Academy together. So, I guess it's been about twenty years, give or take."
"Oh, so you knew each other as strapping young lads then?"
"Yeah, we've known each other for a long time." said Iolaus.
Frank smiled at him. "And I take it you travel together a lot."
"All the time!" said Iolaus. "What can I say? Herc needs me."
"I won't deny that." Hercules laughed.
"Yes," said Frank. "It's always good to have a friend nearby to give you a hand when you need it." He poured some red sauce on his food. "I have an interesting project coming up. I was hoping Hercules would like to be a part of it."
"What kind of project?" asked Hercules.
"Mmm...a bit of construction I guess you'd say. I'd like Iolaus to have a part in it too. He seems to have a good head on his shoulders."
"Um, thanks." Iolaus was starting to think maybe he could forgive the "little friend" remark from earlier.
"Tell me, Iolaus." said Frank. "Are you a natural blond?"
"Uh, well, yes, I am."
"Do you perm or is it just naturally curly?"
"It's, uh, it's all natural." Why did this guy want to talk about hair?
"Oh, I so envy you!" Frank said with a grin. "I have to sit under a dryer for hours to get my hair just the way I want it. You have to tell me what sort of moisturizer you use."
"Um...water?"
"Clever fellow." Frank chuckled. "Hercules, do forgive us for leaving you out of the conversation. Tell me what you do to stay as good looking as you are."
"Well, Iolaus and I live pretty active lifestyles." Hercules demurred.
"I'll say they're active." snickered Columbia.
"I've been considering taking up body building myself." said Frank.
"Oh, you mean with dumbbells?" asked Iolaus.
"Oh, don't sell yourself short, dear." said Frank.
"Excuse me?" Iolaus wondered if he was being set up for another crack about his height.
"Oh, look at the time!" said Frank. "It's late and you must be interested in seeing your bedrooms. Riff-Raff and Magenta will show you the way."