Utterly Maddening

"And, Carla, she wasn't wearing pants!"

JD finished telling Carla about the scene he'd walked in on with Dr. Cox and Elliot. Dr. Cox and Elliot! Weird! He was so mean-spirited and she was so spastic. A hand clamped down on his shoulder. Carla gave him a pitying look, and JD knew.

"So, did you get to the juicy bits yet, "Patty," because I'm just itching to hear the latest scoop."

"Dr. Cox, I can assure you, there was no juice."

"Well, gee. I could have sworn I heard you say something about "she wasn't wearing pants" in your high-pitched and girlish voice. So dish."

He was still wearing his "smile." JD shivered.

"Well, it's just...I saw...and Elliot was...and you had...she wasn't wearing pants!"

"And that must seem odd to you, considering she was probably the one wearing the pants when you were a couple."

Carla snickered. JD pouted in her direction.

"Come on, Bambi. You know it's funny because it's true."

"Of course it's true. Now, walk with me."

Dr. Cox steered him away from the nurses' station. JD seriously feared for his life for a second. Then he remembered he was in a building full of doctors and nurses. He frowned again as he tried to think if any of them would come to his aid.

"Alright, "Lucy." Dr. Reed spilled coffee in her lap. It burned her legs. I helped her to the locker room. I checked to see how bad it was, put ice on it, and that's all. Any questions? I didn't think so. So, if you told anyone besides Carla, and it comes back to Barbie that I was eyeballs deep between her legs while she wore a sombrero and sang "Memories" from "Cats," I will kill you. Several times in a row."

"OK."

"Great."

There was that "smile." Perry scribbled something onto a piece of paper.

"Give this to Barbie."

He thrust the folded slip into JD's hands and walked away. JD opened the note furtively. His eyes widened. He ran back to Carla.

"Carla!" he hissed.

"Bambi, Dr. Cox will kill you if you don't shut it. I don't think I could handle that. Especially with Christopher crying like a woman about your untimely demise."

"You know, whichever of us dies first is getting stuffed like Rowdy, so it will be like I'm still there."

"Eewww."

JD turned to look at Elliot. An Elliot wearing pants.

"Not "eewww." It's definitely "aawww."

"Whatever, JD. Here are those ice packs, Carla. Thanks."

"So, you're ok?"

"Yeah, Dr. Cox checked me out."

"Oh, I know, honey, I know."

Carla walked over to the freezer and put the ice packs away.

"Here."

JD thrust Dr. Cox's not at Elliot. She took it, puzzled.

"Are we back in junior high?"

"It's from Dr. Cox. He asked me to give it to you."

Elliot blushed. JD and Carla exchanged a knowing glance.

"Thanks."

She turned to walk away. Then she turned back.

"JD, can you go get me a sandwich?"

"Not really, I have to..."

He trailed off as he saw the looks Carla and Elliot were giving him. They radiated "girl talk."

"Yeah. Turkey."

And off he went.

"Carla, I need to ask you something."

"OK, Elliot."

Carla leaned forward as Elliot got closer.

"What would you think if a guy made sure you were ok after you injured yourself, saw you in your panties and then told you to stop by his place after work?"

"Bastard."

"What?"

"Nothing. Elliot, I would say he was a bad man, and mean, and bad!"

"Are you serious? You know who I'm talking about, right? I mean, the only reason I didn't say his name is because..."

Elliot motioned to the nurses, all paused and waiting for each tidbit of the conversation. Laverne scowled and went back to typing. The others followed suit, going back to their duties.

"Oh, I know who you're talking about. I just want to make sure you know. Remember who he is, how he's treated you, and that he would never seriously consider a relationship with you."

Carla's eyes widened.

"I didn't mean it like that."

Elliot looked hurt and angry.

"It's ok. I know you did. I'm too ditzy and blonde to hold his interest. Well, I guess we'll find out."

Elliot spun and marched away.

"Elliot! Please, I..."

Carla slumped and frowned. Look what her big mouth had done. JD came over, sandwich in hand.

"Turkey?"

Carla pointed in the direction Elliot had gone. JD looked at Carla's face, so downcast.

"So would now be a good time or a bad time to tell you it was his address in the note?"

She frowned more.

"And he signed it "Perry" not "Dr. Cox.""

Carla glared at him. He shrugged. Then he leaned forward.

"So, is this weird to you? It's totally weird to me."

"It is kinda messin' with my head."

Carla and JD looked at Laverne.

"What? You think I don't hear every word you're saying over there?"

She turned away. Carla looked like she was going to cry. JD looked fascinated by Laverne's super-hearing, and a little weirded out by the other situation.

"So, do you think she's-"

"I don't know."

Carla sighed dramatically. Then she whipped her head around to look at JD, horror on her face.

"Do you think he'll-"

"God, I hope not! Unless it makes him want to hang out and watch a game or two with me. 'Cause Elliot and I are such good friends, you know?"

Carla made a disgusted sound and walked away.

"Man, why you gotta piss her off?"

Turk was glaring at JD.

"Dude, not me. Well, kinda. But, I think she's mostly worried about Elliot."

Turk hopped up and sat on the counter.

"What's wrong with our resident blonde bombshell?"

"Does Carla know you call her that?"

"No. I would be unmanned in a heartbeat. Carla thinks I don't get to use my eyeballs unless she's there to monitor."

"Oh. Well, anyway, Elliot and Dr. Cox might kind of sort of have a thing. Maybe."

JD's statement was met with silence. And then crazy laughter.

"No way! 'Cause I totally thought I saw him sniffing her hair the other day, but I wasn't positive."

"Really? Well, she does smell very fruity, it always makes me hungry. Maybe he just wanted some fruit or something. But, get this, she's going to his place tonight!"

"It sounds sexy, but I bet it's work-related, JD. Come on. Cox, big baddie, and Elliot, sweet little slammin' hottie? She's terrified of him. Nothing's gonna happen."

Elliot stood just out of sight, listening. She was resolved. Something was going to happen. Perry, pretending to make some copies at the nurses' station went unnoticed as he heard the conversation about himself and Barbie. He was determined that nothing would happen tonight. It was just business.