Patient #082315

Session Transcript
Date: Thursday, 10 February 2005
Patient: S. Bennett #082315


Good morning Sydney. How are you today?

Okay. A little tired, but okay. I guess I’m not used to eating real food yet – my stomach stays upset. I’ll be glad when I can eat a full meal and not worry about seeing it a second time. Mason and I spent the afternoon at the park yesterday. I still can’t believe how big he got while I was gone. He’s changed so much. He’s less of a toddler and more of a preschooler. I hate that I missed even one minute of his life.

You’ve only been back a short time. It will take some time to adjust. You did go through a traumatic experience. Are you still having problems sleeping?

Sometimes. The bed’s too soft. Honestly, I sleep better on the floor. And the sounds aren’t right. I miss the sound of the waves, the quiet of the island. And with the dreams…. It’s just hard to get a good night’s sleep.

Tell me about the dreams.

They are all pretty much the same. I’m back on the island. Only it’s different. It’s the same island but yet it’s different somehow. The Others aren’t there. Christian isn’t dead and is there on the island with us and he keeps saying he knows a secret about John but won’t tell me. Mason is there. John is angry with me. He says he is going to take Mason away from me. Tells me that it was wrong of me to keep Mason from him for so long. Then I’m back here and Martin’s parents tell me that they let John take Mason because he needed to be with his father. I wake up in a cold sweat and have to check to see if Mason is still in his room. It’s hard to go back to sleep after that. I usually end up watching television or reading until everyone gets up.


Have you thought any about getting your own place?

I’ve mentioned it to Mike and Sharla. They really enjoy having Mason there. He’s been there for so long now that I hate to take him away. They were so thrilled when Mason was born. They knew that he wasn’t Martin’s but they didn’t care. They have always looked at him as their own grandchild. He’s finally getting used to my being around after having been gone for so long. I mean, four months isn’t much to an adult, but to a child it is an eternity. To move Mason… it would just be too disruptive right now, I think. Maybe in another month or so. I would like to try to find a place on the beach, if I can.


Tell me more about Martin. How long were you married?

Some days it was too long, others it was not enough. We almost made our fourth anniversary. We were married three months before Mason was born. He was killed six months after Mason turned three, six months before the plane crash. It’s been almost a year since he died. I miss him. Most people predicted that the marriage wouldn’t last. I guess they were right.

Why did they say that?

Because Martin only married me because I was pregnant with Mason. And because Martin was gay. He was my best friend in the world. We met in high school. He was the all-around jock and I was the book nerd who worked in the library after school. He was having trouble with his civics class and came in for help. I had such a crush on him. All the girls did. He was drop dead gorgeous. Everyone, I mean everyone, had the hots for him. He had thick wavy black hair and these crystal blue eyes that you could still see even after he was gone; they were mesmerizing. He surfed, played beach volleyball – had a body to die for. It wasn’t until after high school that he came out. His parents had known for a while, but I was the first person outside of his family that he told. That meant a lot to me. We had so much fun together. We complemented each other perfectly. I was never in love with him, but I loved him dearly. When he died it was like a part of me died too. Our marriage wasn’t one of physical intimacy, but we had an emotional connection like no other. I never, ever regretted marrying him. When he found out I was pregnant he was ecstatic. He said it was the closest he would ever come to fatherhood. Then when Mason’s father disappeared off the face of the earth, Martin stepped in and asked me to marry him. He didn’t want Mason growing up to be a bastard – that was his word, not mine. He said it just made more sense for us to get married. He was always repeating an old childhood jump rope rhyme at me. He would say, “First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage. It is written that way for a reason, Syd.” At the time I was too upset to argue. I didn’t understand how John could just disappear from my life without a word. I know now but back then….

Have you spoken to John since the last time we met?

He’s called a couple of times but I haven’t seen him in person or anything. He really wants to meet Mason. I’ve been putting him off, though. I know that he has a right to see him. Mason’s his son. And he never had a relationship with his father so being in Mason’s life is so important to him. It’s just that…

Go on.

I’m afraid. So much has happened. On the island it was so … different. I just don’t know if I’m ready to … I mean, what if Mason gets attached to him and he bails out again? I don’t mind risking my own emotions, but how can I do that to my son? He’s already lost the only father he’s ever known. My head knows that it wasn’t John’s fault. He couldn’t control what happened to him anymore than Martin could control that drunk driver. But my heart…. John was just so different from all the other men I’d dated. And I don’t just mean age-wise. We had this connection that I’d never felt before. I mean, I thought I’d been in love before I met John, but it wasn’t. Like Christian. I thought I loved him. He was this sexy, successful surgeon and I fell for his charm hook, line, and sinker. I swear that sparks flew the first time we met. It was one of those passionate affairs that you read about in trashy romance novels. There was just something about him that drew me to him. Martin kept telling me that he was all wrong for me, and he was right. Martin was my gauge when it came to me. If they didn’t pass the Martin test, they didn’t get very far with me. Christian was the only exception, and I considered that a lesson well learned.

Why did Martin think Christian was wrong for you?

Because he was. I think it was one of those things where a guy can smooth talk his way with a girl, but with another guy it just doesn’t happen. Guys can see through guys and girls can see through girls. Christian had me snowed from the beginning. Martin knew something wasn’t on the up and up. I didn’t really care what Martin thought. The chemistry was fantastic and I felt like I was caught in a whirlwind. He would surprise me at work with a small bouquet of flowers – nothing elaborate that screamed, “Guess how much I spent on these” but something simple that seemed to say, “Guess how much you mean to me.” When we’d been dating – if you can call sex at every opportunity dating – about a month he surprised me with a trip to Vegas. It was so spontaneous. I had never had anyone do things like that for me before. I guess we’d been together about three months when I found out he was married. I felt so stupid. I never thought I’d be one of those dumb girls who fell for someone and wasn’t smart enough to figure out he was married. I knew I wasn’t the first one he had fooled, and I knew I wouldn’t be the last. And to be honest, it hurt quite a bit. I promised Martin I would never doubt him again when it came to men.

But Martin approved of John?

He knew that with John it was the real deal. I mean, it wasn’t love at first sight or anything, and he didn’t sweep me off my feet but it was just so right, right from the start. It happened so gradually that neither of us really saw it coming. We met through a mutual friend. Soon we were having lunch every Sunday, and then it was spending every Sunday afternoon together. Then it was the occasional dinner during the week. Occasional became nightly and then we were practically living together. I don’t really know when I fell in love with him. It was like one day I woke up and thought, “This is it. This is what love feels like.” And it was that way the entire time we were together. Did I tell you that Mason was conceived on Christmas day? At first I was so happy about having his child. I just couldn’t wait to tell him about the Christmas present that we were going to be sharing from now on. I had it all planned out. I was going to tell him over dinner. I’d made his favorite meal and spent the whole day making everything just perfect. When he didn’t show up and then didn’t call and then days turned into weeks and months…. It just hurt so much. I spent years getting over him. I never thought he’d be a part of my life again. Ever. Every time I look in Mason’s green eyes I see his father in him. Do you know how hard that is? Every time I think I can get over the past I take one look at my son and I’m reminded of what I had and what I lost and what I’ll never have again. I want John in Mason’s life; I really do. I just don’t know how much I can handle.

I want you to consider meeting with John this weekend. Try meeting in a neutral territory – a park, perhaps, or the beach. I think this is an important step for you. We can discuss it at our session on Monday. Do you think you can do that?
[note: patient nodded in the affirmative]