Daddy Material

Chapter Four

Bull came over to the table. "Excuse me, but are you guys going to need your pepper shaker? Our table doesn't have one, and Rankin thinks the Nutella is a little bland."

Harry handed over the shaker, saying, "Soooo, Bull. Looks like you and Rankin have a lot in common."

Bull nodded. "We both think that Hemingway was vastly over rated as an author. A few more adjectives or adverbs wouldn't have hurt the man."

"What Harry meant," said Christine, "is that you seem to have developed, uh, quite a friendship in a short amount of time."

"Not that short," said Bull. "Sure, he isn't allowed out much, but we call, write, and I go and visit as often as I can."

"These visits," said Dan. "Conjugal?"

"DAN!" Christine and Harry managed two-part harmony.

Harry cleared his throat. "What I'm trying to say, Bull, is that Buddy seems to think... Not that there's anything wrong with that, but..."

"He wants to know if you're gay, and if you and Rankin are doin' the nasty," said Roz.

"Oh, that. Sure." Bull went back to his table.

Everyone was staring at Roz. "What?" she said. "Somebody had to say it. We've only got another ten minutes for lunch, and the way you guys were feeling around he could have written a tell-all confession before you got around to asking the question."

"Well, I, for one, don't believe it," said Dan.

"Why?" said Harry. "You're usually more than willing to believe the most salacious thing possible."

"I don't believe it because if he WAS really attracted to men he'd have been all over me a long time ago."

They all stared at him. Finally Harry said, "Is it just me, or is that possibly the single vainest statement ever uttered?"

"You need to learn a little humility, Dan," Christine scolded.

"Hey," said Dan, reaching into his jacket pocket. "I know humility." He handed the card to Christine.

Christine read it. "Mistress Eve. You will obey--Bitch. Taking applications for subs" She dropped the card on the table. "There's a difference between humility and humiliation, Dan."

Dan hung his head, and his voice was mock regretful. "I knoooow." He picked up the card, stroking it. "She's teaching me that..." he wiggled his eyebrows, "but I'm a hard study."

Christine stood up. "Excuse me, I need to go wash my hands--and my brain."

She left. Her path took her past Bull and Rankin. Bull was leaning forward with his mouth open while Rankin, giggling, squirted ketchup in his mouth from a plastic squeeze bottle. Rankin caught her look and said cheerfully, "I told him this wasn't just for Redi-Whip and Cheez-Wiz." Christine hurried away.

Harry rubbed his forehead. "Well, I guess this pretty much explains why he and Wanda called off the wedding."

"Yes," said Dan. "I never bought that story about them finding out that they might be cousins."

Harry nodded decisively, tapping the table. "This is a good thing." Dan gave him a 'look'. "No, it is. We all know that Bull isn't really happy as a single."

Dan grunted. "And he may have found the only person he could have a relationship with where he'd be the stable one. And I don't care what Buddy says--I bet that it's strictly platonic."

"Not judging from the bout of tonsil hockey I witnessed in the hall," said Mac. Dan winced. "Looked like they were both trying to do an imitation of that face hugger thing from Alien."

"Thank you," said Dan, standing up. "Now -I- need to go wash my brain. And since I can't I need something to replace the mental images. A little phone sex should do it."

"Dan," Harry warned, "You're in big trouble if I catch you doing that on any court phone."

"Don't worry, Harry." Dan's briefcase had been sitting on the floor. He opened it and showed Harry a cordless phone. "Better living through science." He walked away, punching buttons on the phone, which elicited various tones of beeps.

"He was bluffing," said Harry.

"Uh-uh," said Roz. "I recognized that tune. The first three numbers were 9-7-6."

"I think it's time that we officially met Rankin," said Harry. He raised his voice. "Bull! Bring your friend over and we'll have dessert. Jello's on me."

Rankin looked interested. "Oh, I've heard of that. Which one of us are you going to wrestle, and what flaver gelatin will you use?"

"Tell ya what, sport." Harry took out his wallet and handed Rankin a bill. "Why don't you go get an assortment for all of us?"

"None for me," said Roz. "I'm tryin' to watch my weight."

"Yes," said Rankin cheerfully. "You'll get skinny if you don't eat right. I'll bring you pudding instead."

As he walked away Roz said, "I'm beginning to see reasons to like the man."

Bull joined them at the table. "Thanks, Harry. He always wants to buy our Jello, and he can't really afford it on the money I'm allowed to give him."

"So you're giving him money?" said Harry, keeping his voice casual.

"He'd do the same for me if our positions were reversed. Anyway, I can't afford to give him jewelry or fancy clothes, but I can give him gelatin cubes whenever he wants them--and he wants them frequently."

"Bull, what are Rankin's prospects for being released from the hospital? Do the doctors think that he'll be able to live on his own any time soon?"

"He won't have to. Buddy and I have both offered to have him live with us. We discussed it and we figured that it was better to be safe than sorry, and they might approve Buddy before they would me. You know--they might want someone..." He made quotation marks with his fingers, "'uninvolved'. As much as I'd love to have him live with me, it might be best if he stays with Buddy."

"That's a very sensible attitude," said Harry. "It would give you time to consider your relationship from all angles, grow into it..."

"No, it's just because if he lives with me, I'd be designated his legal guardian and that would be..." Bull wrinkled his nose, "I dunno--kinda icky. It'd be like all those Victorian romances where the girl becomes the ward of a handsome but mysterious, and possibly dangerous, man. I wouldn't want that. I'd look stupid in riding breeches, and Rankin wouldn't wear a floating nightgown--he prefers to sleep raw."

"Does the term 'too much information' mean anything to you?" Mac groaned.

"Sorry. But I'm just so happy, and I've been being discreet for so long. It's kind of a relief to talk about it," said Bull. "And since I'm doing the confession thing, I suppose that I ought to tell you guys everything. Not only are Rankin and I a couple, we're deeply in love, and we're going to have a child."

"Bull," Harry said, a little sadly, "I don't want to crush your dream, but you have to know that same sex marriages are illegal."

"You'll have to live in sin," said Roz.

Bull considered this. "Okay."

"And beyond that," Harry continued, "Adoption is a very, very long shot. I mean, you might manage a private adoption, but those are expensive, and they're legal and ethical minefields. You never can tell if someone will show up months or years later demanding parental rights. A more reasonable goal might be to be foster parents. Gay foster parents are still rare, but with the kind of references you'll be able to get..."

"That would be nice, too," said Bull. "But what I meant was that we're going to have a child of our own."

"Bull, surrogacy..."

"Not through surrogacy."

Dan had returned, and was standing near the table, listening. "No fostering, no adopting, and no surrogacy? Kidnapping?" Bull glared at him. "What other option is there?" Bull smiled slowly, and folded his hands over his belly. There was silence. Dan stared at him, then pulled out his phone again and began to tap buttons.

"Who are you calling now?" asked Roz.

"My therapist."

Chapter Five

Christine returned to the table, taking a seat. "What did I miss?"

"OO! OO!" Dan waved his hand. "Let me! Pleeeeeease?"

"I just announced that I'm expecting," said Bull.

"Expecting what?" asked Christine. Bull and Dan both smiled at her, and her expression went flat. "Excuse me." She got up and left again.

Rankin was returning to the table, carefully carrying a laden tray. "Is she all right?"

"Just needed to go to the restroom again," Harry assured him.

"Oh. Well, if she's having problems, there are some bran muffins over there. We're in luck! They had enough of a variety for us all to have a different flavor. That way we can trade tastes."

"Yeah," said Dan. "That's gonna happen."

Rankin set the tray on the table. "Now I know what you're thinking..."

"I seriously doubt it," said Dan.

Rankin very sensibly ignored him. "You're thinking, 'But Rankin, three of those are red.' TRUE! But it's just the color that's the same. The server assured me that those are cherry, watermelon, and strawberry."

"Rankin," said Harry. "I once went back for seconds. The first time through they told me the casserole was chili and the second time they told me it was genuine Hungarian goulash. I had a hard time believeing either of them, since I found a wishbone in it."

Rankin gave Harry a wide-eyed look. "You don't think he'd have lied to me, do you?"

"Perish the thought," said Dan. "I'm sure that he's as honest as a politician." Rankin nodded, looking relieved. Dan looked at Roz. "If he believes that, he just might actually be from another planet."

"Anyway, we have cherry, watermelon, strawberry, orange, lime, and blue raspberry. And for Roz, pudding. I brought you chocolate AND butterscotch, because i didn't know which you'd prefer, and you need someone to feed you up."

"I REALLY like this man," said Roz, taking the dish of butterscotch pudding.

"Don't stand on ceremony, people," said Rankin, sitting down. "I didn't bring the candles, anyway. Just dig in." Everyone, even Dan, reached for a bowl of Jello. Harry was reaching toward the blue raspberry, and Rankin smacked him sharply on the back of the wrist. Harry jerked his hand back, shaking it, and Rankin smiled at him sweetly. "I'm sorry, I should have mentioned that's for," his voice got deep, "MY MATE." He set the blue Jello in front of Bull, giving him a melting look.

Bull was blushing. "But Rankin, you were looking forward to that."

"But you deserve it, Pookie." He reached out and tickled Bull's bare scalp. "I might be persuaded to share if you insist."

Dan stared at them, then said, "Roz? You're diabetic--should you be exposed to all this sugary sentiment?"

"Fielding, you know that poster on Bull's locker door I told you about?" said Roz. "How'd you like a chance to see what it looks like," her eyes narrowed, "from inside the locker?"

Dan quickly dipped up a spoon of Jello. "Mmm, lime. Refreshing."

Rankin picked up the bottle of chili sauce and passed it to Dan. "Here, they left this out."

"I don't think..." Bull glared at Dan. Dan picked up the bottle and pretended to shake it over his Jello. Rankin was watching him expectantly. Bull leaned closer, baring his teeth. Dan sprinkled a hefty spray of chili sauce on the Jello.

"Don't be shy," said Rankin. "I love to see people enjoying good food."

"Yeah, Dan," said Bull, making significant eye contact. "Indulge."

Dan scooped up more Jello, regarded the spoon reluctantly, then slipped it into his mouth. "Good?" asked Rankin.

"Del-ith-outh," Dan mumbled around the mouthful. "Eh-thuse meh." He got up and hurried toward the door, grabbing at his handkerchief. He'd barely gotten out the door when they heard *urk*.

Rankin looked puzzled. "What was that?"

Bull patted his hand. "It's a human way of saying 'yummy'."

Christine returned, looking a little pale. "Bull, did you really just say that you're--?"

"Pregnant!" Rankin crowed. "Preggers. Knocked up. In the pudding club. Got a bun in the oven." Rankin's voice was rising excitedly. "Up the duff. Gravid with child." He threw his arms wide. "He's a bearer of LIFE!" He turned glittering eyes on Bull and crooned, "Acres and acres of him, and he's aaaaall mine."

Harry whispered to Christine, "Is it just me, or does Rankin seem just a tad possessive?"

Roz had finished the butterscotch pudding and was reaching for the chocolate. Bull put a hand on her elbow. "Rooooz." She looked at him. He solemnly shook a finger at her.

Roz sighed. "I'm gonna need a bedtime snack."

"I'll get you a doggie bag," offered Rankin. He frowned. "But that would be kind of messy. Maybe they can put it in some sort of a cup--with a lid. Yeah, a lid would work good." He looked at her. "Do you actually HAVE a doggie?"

"Cat," said Roz. Dan started to sit forward. "And if anyone makes a comment about a single woman and her pussy their ass will become intimately acquainted with my sensible shoes."

Rankin left the table, and Harry said quickly, "Look, Bull, it's wonderful that you want to support Rankin, but playing to his fantasies may do him more harm than good."

"But Harry," said Bull, "He really likes playing biker and hippie, and the boots and love beads I bought would be a total waste."

Harry closed his eyes briefly. "I meant this pregnancy fantasy."

Bull frowned. "Fantasy isn't the right term. Possibly 'dream come true.'"

"Bull," said Harry bluntly, "Men cannot get each other pregnant--you know that."

"Rankin can--could--did."

"Bull--MEN. Man--woman--yes. Man--man--no."

"True--for EARTH men. But we're talking about Rankin. He's special."

"I'm sure he is. Anytime we love someone they're special, but Rankin... His anatomy is the same as any other guy's." Harry hesitated. "Isn't it?"

"Externally?" Bull shrugged. "A little nicer than most, but nothing startling."

"Well, then..."

"But the H'molgonisites are different biologically. Luckily for me they're compatible with humans."

"You..." Harry blinked, then said quietly, "Bull, you... you actually... believe that Rankin is not of this world?"

Bull nodded. "Not of this world, and out of this world." He sighed. "You know, Harry, I'd come to the conclusion that there was no one in this world for me. Well, it turns out I was right--an import is my perfect mate."

"Bull," said Christine, "Rankin is delusional."

"Okay, I know that he's convinced that professional wrestling is real, but we're working on that. I'm going to take him to a gym to watch them practise."

"Look," said Dan, "You've been working night court for years. You've seen defendants believing they're from Mars, Venus, Saturn, Tatooine, and the lost continent of Atlantis. Why would you suddenly believe this fruitcake?" Bull made an ominous sound in the back of his throat. "Why would you believe this admittedly wonderful, but confused, person?"

"He offered me proof. He wouldn't sleep with me till he knew that I understood what I was getting into. He said he'd rather burn with unfulfilled passion than risk disappointing me." Roz and Christine both sighed dreamily. "Yeah. I gotta tell ya, by then I was willing to swear that I believed he was the uncrowned King of the Cats if it would get him in the sack."

"I'm scared," said Dan. "I just found out that I have something in common with Shannon."

"Okay," said Harry, "I have absolutely no problem believing that two men can not only have a successful sex life, but can have a loving, committed relationship. But Bull--they can't physically produce children."

"Harry," said Bull patiently, "just because you haven't run into it personally doesn't mean it's impossible."

"It's been proven scientifically."

"Science. You mean science, like they once believed that the Earth was the center of the universe, the world was flat, and if you sailed too far you'd fall off the edge? The Science that used to believe that it was impossible to fly, much less go faster than the speed of sound?"

"MEDICAL science."

"So you're saying that medical science, which has made organ transplants possible, can save babies born when they're the size of a soda can, and has produced in vitro pregnancies will never allow a man to carry a baby?"

"Yes--no. Bull, no one can say what's going to happen in the future."

"Then who's to say that the future isn't now, and I'm the first?"

Harry threw up his hands. "Roz, talk sense to him!"

"Bull," said Roz, "Is he gonna make an honest man out of you, or do I have to kick his ass?"

"Well, you know what the legal situation is here," Bull replied. "But it's not a problem, since we plan to immigrate in a few months. He's stuck here due to mechanical failure, but his people have been in contact, and they promise transportation for us both."

"You mean...?" said Christine.

"That's right," said Dan. "They're coming to take him away--ha ha."

**In one episode it was revealed that Bull had an IQ over 180. I'm sure that Harry's stuffed armadillo was given a name, but I don't remember what it was, so I'm giving him my own.


Chapter Six

Harry had always thought of himself as being fairly unflappable, but the current situation had him feeling like he was waving briskly in the breeze. Most of the time when Bull was asked to pretend something to fool someone he could scarcely do it without a wink broad enough for a French farce. But then again when he was truly dedicated to flim-flamming someone, especially Dan, he could keep a poker face that would have made him a mint in Vegas. This time Harry honestly couldn't be sure whether Bull was serious or not. He decided to treat the situation like most adults would--he'd ignore it and hope it would go away. Having thus decided, he announced that it was time to go back to session.

The rest of the night was fairly quiet, except that whenever Harry made a decision that Buddy and Rankin really approved of they did The Wave. When the session ended Buddy and Rankin came into the front part of the court to meet with Bull. Hoping to get a chance to talk to Bull alone, Harry offered to buy him breakfast. "It's a good thing I know Bull isn't attracted to you," said Rankin cheerfully, "Or I'd have to challenge you to a duel."

"Duels are illegal," said Harry severely. "No deadly force."

"Deadly? Cream pies at ten paces?"

"Pies? I don't get it."

"You don't think he could take you seriously after seeing your face smeared with whipped cream and custard, do you? Anyway, Bull's coming with me." Rankin leaned his head on Bull's arms, flirting his eyelashes up at him. "We need to make love."

Christine started coughing, and Harry said, "As much as you want..."

"Not want--NEED," said Rankin.

Bull nodded. "We need to have sex regularly for a healthy pregnancy."

Dan pulled out a small notebook and began writing in it, murmuring, "Just when you think you can't find any new excuses..."

Dan, Harry, Christine, and Roz watched as Rankin hurried ahead of Bull so that he could hold the door open for him. "That's so chivalrous," murmured Christine. Then Rankin pinched Bull's butt as he went through.

"Did you say 'chivalrous' or 'frivolous'?" said Dan. "He held Bull's chair for him at lunch, too. Given what we know about his history I was sort of hoping he'd just whip it out of the way, but noooo..."

"Do you think that Bull really believes that he's pregnant?" asked Christine.

"If he doesn't, he has a great career ahead of him in a boiler room selling fraudulent time shares," said Dan. "I always figured he'd crack, but I have to admit that I never envisioned it taking this form."

"I don't know what you people are so worried about," said Roz. "He's happy."

"But he's delusional, Roz," said Harry. "He believes he's pregnant."

"And there are thousands of people out there who still believe that Liberace was straight. Was or wasn't, it doesn't make any difference in their lives. Why don't people think about something constructive? Like when's his due date, so we can co-ordinate the vacation time around it, cause you know damn good and well they aren't going to give him maternity leave." She left.

"As much as it bothers me to find that I share an opinion with Roz," said Dan, "I have to agree. What does it matter if he believes he's knocked up? We won't have to worry unless he decides to go into labor in a stalled elevator. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have the captain of a women's beach volleyball team coming over. We're going to discuss," he wiggled his eyebrows, "spiking."

Dan left and Harry looked at Christine. "Are we the only ones here who see this as a problem?"

"I have to admit," said Christine, "I'm not used to you worrying about something more than I do."

Harry shrugged. "Well, let's face it--despite Bull's sky high IQ** he isn't always the most realistic person on earth. He lets what he wants color things. You remember that time his neighbor left her baby with him? He'd convinced himself that the woman hadn't abondoned the kid, and when it looked like she wasn't coming back, he couldn't see any reason why he couldn't keep the baby and raise it himself. I'm afraid this is pretty much the same thing."

"Oh," said Christine, nodding. "I see what you mean. Yes, that makes sense. There are a lot of cases of infertile women desperate for babies who have hysterical pregnancies. But if it makes him happy, where's the harm?"

"Christine--he's going to have to face facts eventually, and the sooner, the better. I mean, can you imagine how upset he's going to get when he's hitting the end of the tenth month and nothing's happened?"

"Unless that's the normal gestation period for H'molgonisites, and if it is," she grimaced, "I can't imagine they have much problems with over population, even if both sexes can get pregnant. Well, Harry, there's nothing we can do about this in the next couple of hours, so I need to get home. Little Harry will be missing his Mummie."

"Tell him hi for me."

She was gathering up her papers, and she said, "Harry? You aren't still getting teased by people thinking that I named him after you, are you?"

"Nah. If they don't believe me when I tell them that you named him for Prince Harry of England, I show them pictures of your Princess Di memoribilia collection."

"Good." She made an apologetic grimace. "I guess I should have named him William or Charles, but they asked me while I was still woozy from the anesthetic."

"Hey, no problem. At least you didn't slip and name him by one of the royal titles. If you'd named him Prince or Duke he'd have had to listen to dog jokes his entire life." After Christine had left, Harry went back to his office and changed out of his robe, thinking. He sat at his desk, pulled a deck of cards out of the drawer, and tried to relax by manipulating them. It was something Harry was good at. He liked to say that he could make them do everything but a 'Guys and Dolls' That was making the jack of diamonds jump out of the pack and squirt cider in someone's ear. The third time he dropped a card he realized that the situation with Bull was bothering him more than he'd thought.

"I don't know. I just don't know," he muttered. "Is believing in something that's impossible automatically bad for you? I mean, the atheists will tell you that the entire Judeo-Christian population is crazy if you go by those standards." Harry turned the chair around and was confronted by the stuffed armadillo he kept on the back shelf. "I don't know. Maybe the happiness it brings him outweighs the... uh... the weirdness factor." He paused. "And I have a lot of crust talking about weirdness when I'm having a conversation with a stuffed armadillo." He stared silently at the 'dillo. It seemed to stare back with little black Chinese checker eyes. Harry reached out and gently stroked the curved, scaley back. "Sorry, Rex. I didn't mean it."

~*~

The next night everything was back to normal. Well, as normal as it ever got on the night shift at the courthouse. Harry caught Dan staring at Bull's mid-drift every now and then, but the assistant DA had better sense than to comment. Harry had a feeling, though, that if he restrained himself for too long he was just going to burst from repressed 'wide, child bearing hips' comments.

The night after that things still seemed to be rolling right along, at least till lunch break. The staff had become used to seeing Bull bring in uncommon lunches, but tonight was a little odd, even for him. The tray he set down contained an almost tureen sized bowl of tomato soup and an even dozen half-pints of milk. Dan regarded it as Bull unwrapped his plastic spoon, then said, "So what happened? He smacked you around, your jaw is wired shut, and you're on a liquid diet?"

"Say," said Bull. "You ever read those articles about weird crimes? They had one where a man was murdered with a spork."

"Let me get you a straw." Dan got up and went to the condiments stand.

"What gives?" said Harry, studying the tray.

"Part of my prenatal diet," said Bull, dipping into the soup. "Once a week, nothing but liquids, and plenty of milk."

"The milk part is sensible," said Christine. "Since I see that you're drinking 2 per cent milk. Lot's of protien and calcium."

Bull nodded. "Calcium is so important for avoiding osteoporosis."

Dan had returned, and laid a straw on Bull's tray. "Isn't osteoporosis a women's disease?" Bull crooked an eyebrow at him. "You know, you'll probably need more than one of those if you keep clenching your teeth like that." He left again.

"As I was saying, women are four times more likely to be affected, but men get it, too. But that's not the only reason I'm drinking so much." He openened a straw, stuck it in one of the cartons, and began drinking.

Harry looked at Roz and Christine. "Either one of you going to ask about that?"

Roz said, "Uh-uh."

Christine said, "Not on your life."

"Okay." Harry squared his shoulders. "Sissies. Bull, why else are you drinking all that milk?"

"It has a subtle effect on my body chemistry that keeps my antibodies from rejecting the baby, and decreases the small chance of premature birth."

"I... uh... I don't remember having seen any articles on that."

Bull looked interested. "You read medical journals, Harry?"

"No," said Christine, "but if it was so I'd have run across it while I was doing research during my pregnancy. Believe me, I could quote you chapter and verse on both fact and folk tale having to do with pregnancy in at least two dozen cultures down through history."

"Rankin had them transmit an issue of the H'molgonist Health and Well Being Digest. The research into human-H'molgonian hybrid pregnancies seems pretty thorough, and..."

"Hold, hold, hold!" Harry leaned forward. "Research? Bull, are you saying that this sort of thing has happened before?"

"Not every day, but it's not as rare as you might think," Bull assured him. "Y'see H'molgonisia is pretty sparcely populated. In order to keep their race from dying out, they encourage the population to find compatible mates among other races and species. Pretty much if it's humanoid--they can breed. Luckily they're a very affectionate people."

"Look, Bull," said Christine. "I'm not saying I doubt you, all right?" He nodded. "But can you explain to me HOW you got pregnant?"

Bull gave her a level look. "Christine, you've been there. How did YOU get pregnant?"

"Tony and I... We... When a Mommy and Daddy love each other very much, they want to be close to each other in a special way, and... Wait--that's the 'talk' I'm going to give little Harry when he's nine or ten... Oh, darn, Bull. You know very well that we, um, we 'did it'."

Bull smiled. "Exactly," and took a deep drink of milk.

Dan had returned and was laying a handful of straws on the table. "You mean...?"

"It darn sure wasn't artificial insemination."

"Excuse me." Dan turned around and left again.

Bull called after him, "I have enough straws. Bring me some juice, though. Check and see if they have any pineapple or mango." He lowered his voice to a conversational tone. "Rankin says that lots of vitamin C will give the baby curly hair."