Looking for Love
Part 2 - Plummeting downward
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Part 2 – Plummeting downward
/…How many dreams
you’ve chased…/
Don woke up … and wished he hadn’t.
shit. He pried his eyes open a slit and
winced as the morning light lanced into his pupils.
Eyes almost closed, he looked around.
chair. Don felt a guilty for making the
older man sleep in a chair, but he was glad that he was still close by.
Don sat up and groaned as his head tried to explode.
Alan stirred and said, “Good morning.”
Don groaned again and pressed his hands to his temples.
Alan smiled silently and went to make some coffee.
Don just sat there, his head in his hands, until he smelled
a mug of hot coffee nearby. He reached
for it and downed it in a few gulps, ignoring the burn in his mouth and throat.
father.
Alan’s nose wrinkled.
“Now, a shower.”
Don grumbled, “Don’t wanna.”
“You go in and take a shower,” Alan warned, “Or I’ll take
you in there myself, just like a baby.”
Don grumbled louder but he’d gotten a whiff of his stench
too. He peeled himself off the couch and
staggered towards the bathroom.
cleaned up the bathroom while he slept, erasing the smell of vomit with
bleach.
While Don showered then dragged a razor
ineffectually over his stubble, he could hear his dad tidying up the rest of the
apartment. Beer bottles chinked
into the recycle bin, dirty dishes piled into the sink, and the coffee maker
dribbled out another cup.
Don gave up on making himself presentable and just threw on
a t-shirt and sweats. He found his
father in his small kitchen, washing out his coffee mug.
father go through the familiar motions of cleaning the cup and pouring it full
of more black coffee. He set the
steaming coffee mug down on the table in front of Don, pulled out a chair and
sat down next to him.
“You ready to talk to me?”
Alan asked.
Don dragged the mug closer but didn’t drink.
handle whatever Don had to say. A bitter
taste surged into Don’s mouth. He
suddenly had the compulsion to hurt his father, shock him, show
him that the world wasn’t an understandable place.
“That person that Charlie has been
sleeping with?” Don said with
almost a snarl. “It’s no girl,
“I know,” Alan said quietly. “I’m just waiting until Charlie
is ready to tell me.”
Don stared at him, his anger draining away.
“You’re not the only one with investigation skills.”
Don nodded slowly.
“It bothers you a lot that your brother is with a man?” Alan
asked.
Don sighed. “No, I
mean it was weird but I’m mostly okay with it.”
“But …” Alan made a gesture at Don’s state.
Don looked down at the table. He knew his father, knew that
he would ask and listen and wait until he discovered what was wrong with
Don. His father always had the right
thing to say in response, some way to reorient Don, help him with whatever was
wrong. Not this time.
Taking a shaky breath, Don said at last.
now he’s completely Charlie’s and I can never have him again and … and I think
I was falling in love with him.”
There was silence as he waited for the explosion from his
father. Finally he had to look up.
“You’re not surprised.”
Don eyed his father. “Why are you
not surprised? About either of us?”
“Charlie, your mother and I were pretty sure about from an
early age. You’re not going to want to
hear this but he’s been fixated on you all his life.”
Don leaned back, confused.
“You mean—“
“I mean that instead of looking to his parents, Charlie
always saw you as the source of safety, comfort, even approbation.
give him those things.
Don blinked.
“When you were in Albaquerque and Charlie lived with Susan,
we hoped we were wrong. It’s a lot
easier to get along in this world if you’re ‘typical’.
was like a light went back on in Charlie’s world.
him. I think he was hiding from you a
little too when he spent those weeks in the garage.”
“Huh,” was all Don could think to say.
“Colby, now Colby is a god-send.
always needed. I hope with all my heart
that they’re together forever.”
Don sighed. “Yeah,
he’s good for Charlie.” He frowned down
at his hands, feeling utterly empty.
“You, on the other hand,” Alan said quietly, “we weren’t as
sure.”
Don gawked at him.
“Me?”
“Again, we hoped we were wrong.
“Something?”
“It’s hard to explain a parent’s instincts.”
obviously weren’t always right. But
you’ve never been able to find long-term happiness with a woman.
it off. You could have made it happen
with Kim if you really wanted.”
Don’s lips twisted.
“Then there was that new girl, Robin.
suddenly stopped.”
“I know, I know.”
“It was your mother’s personal belief that you wouldn’t find
happiness with anyone until you’d … how did she put it … ‘explored all the alternatives’.
the kind of person you loved was more important than race, gender, religion,
anything.”
Don stared at his father, at the horror of what he was
saying so calmly. Yes, Don, we always thought you might be bisexual,
it just took you thirty-five years to figure it out.
Shuddering, Don buried his face in his hands.
Alan’s hand was on his shoulder, comforting and
understanding as always. “Do what we all
have to do in life. Look for love but go
on without it if we must.”
For a moment, Don just sat with his face covered, drawing
strength from the hand on his shoulder and his father’s calm acceptance.
don’t mind?”
Alan shrugged. “I’m
not going to lie to you and say that I wouldn’t prefer you to bring home some
nice girl. There’s way too much
testosterone in this family as it is.
But what’s more important is that you have someone, someone special in
your life.” Alan added quietly,
“Especially now that Charlie has someone.”
Don stared unseeing at his coffee cup.
call it – Charlie’s fixation. In the
last month, that fixation had already started to move on to Colby and Don had
to admit he missed it … a lot. He was
only beginning to realize that while Charlie might have seen Don as a source of
strength and comfort, Don had always seen Charlie as a source of energy and
optimism. All the light had gone out of
his life, just when he needed it most.