Lust In Space

DISCLAIMER: All characters in LIS belong to 20th Century Fox, Irwin Allen, his estate, or whomever, certainly not me. No offense is intended! Indeed!

A/N: This fic is based on the original 60's TV series LOST IN SPACE. It takes place roughly six years after the end of the series, or rather, after the Robinsons have been zig-zagging across the cosmos in the Jupiter 2 for over nine years. As one could imagine, the intrepid space explorers have found ways to amuse themselves.

WARNINGS: Most everything is implied: Xenosex, Smith/Robot, Penny/Bloop, Judy/Sonic Mixer, John/Don, Will/Will/Will

Beta'd by Evil Auntie Snape. Thanks, Luv!

July, 2006, Somewhere in the Andromeda Galaxy


~~~~~~~~TWO~~~~~~"PROBING QUESTIONS"~~~~~~~~~


Dr. Smith restlessly flipped the heavy, glossed pages of the alien magazine. After all, he thought, how many times can one become aroused by the same images, regardless of how delectable they were?

Heavily muscled and extremely well-endowed male humanoids grinned and flexed at Smith from the well-handled pages. Most were very scantily clad. Some were completely nude. Many of the photos were animated, and a fair number featured audio. Naturally, their purred sentiments were an alien gibberish to human ears, but some messages were universal. Smith turned the next page with a disgusted snort.

"I daresay I shall go mad if I do not replenish my supply of porn soon. That last planet was a complete waste of time. I shall never forgive you for recommending to Robinson that we land there. An entire world filled with sentient, asexual slugs! Bah! You insensitive idiot!"

The Doctor flipped the next page savagely. The centerfold, a green-skinned, four-armed bundle of muscles, growled throatily at Smith.

"Ma 'qwa, Alep 'aweh Mo 'foso!"

Dr. Smith gave the leering alien the raspberry. "Same to you, you repetitive hunk of Rigelian man-flesh!" Turning his gaze to the Robot, he flopped the magazine down in his lap, pointing a finger at the mechanoid.

"It's all your fault, you galvanized guttersnipe!" Smith harrumphed again, crossing his arms petulantly.

"Well? Don't just sit there, say something!"

B-9 had lowered his expandable leg section fully, and was quietly sitting in the corner of Dr. Smith's cabin. His probe had retracted, and the sequence of indicator lights playing across his many panels was slow, relaxed. A faint, contented whirring sound, not unlike the purring of a Terran feline, was issuing from his vocal processors. A tiny, wispy trail of opaque, white smoke was wafting out of his heat dissipation port.

"You were fabulous, Zack. As always. And I love it when you speak like that to me. It excites my circuits no end!" The purring increased in volume. Smith snorted.

"Yes, yes, no need to state the obvious! You know full well what I'm talking about! And don't try to change the subject with your sweet talk! You're not very good at it, you know."

He flipped his magazine open once more, roughly turning the pages with exaggerated movements. Smith spoke from behind his porn shield.

"The least you could do is select a more suitable planet next time. One where the inhabitants are roughly bipedal? With no scales! Or gills! Or tentacles!"

The Robot slowly raised himself to his full height. The purring stopped abruptly. B-9 approximated a snort as best he could.

"The Urexxians were most welcoming and cordial. They provided us with much needed provisions, as well as a badly needed weapons upgrade and vastly improved star charts. It is most regrettable they were insufficiently erotic for your needs, Zack. Despite the exciting modifications to my behavioral programs, I still have a mandate to serve and protect the Robinson family. You should be well aware of this...."

Dr. Smith lowered his pornmag. Raising one eyebrow, he gave the Robot the bird.

"Don't you dare pontificate to me, you pompous putz! Of course I'm aware of your prime directive to keep the ridiculous Robinsons from killing themselves! That's not the point! All I'm asking is that in the future, you keep my needs in mind when assisting our redoubtable Professor in choosing appropriate planets for re-provisioning. Slugs! I have half a mind to erase your pleasure programs!"

The Doctor picked his magazine up once more, and with a sharp motion, began flipping the pages, occasionally glancing up at B-9. The mechanoid's head darted from side to side anxiously. After a few long moments, the Robot spoke in a low voice.

"Please, Dr. Smith, do not remove my pleasure programs. I promise to make it all up to you."

Smith peeked over the top of his magazine. "Indeed! I should think so. Especially after that unforgivable experience on Trawlb! It took nearly a month for those purple lesions to fade. Not to mention the dangling seed pods! And you call yourself an Environmental Control Robot!"

B-9 swiveled his glass head from side to side. "You will remember, Zack, I did warn you against relations with the Trawlbians. Simply because the males were endowed with two sets of genitalia....."

Smith blew out a breath. "Spare me your pathetic rationalizations! Have you forgotten the incident with the Rimulites? Hmmmm?"

The Robot's head dropped down with a loud clank. "No, Zack I haven't forgotten. Fortunately, the swelling abated after a week."

The Doctor flung his magazine at the mechanoid triumphantly.

"Hah! Fortunate? I swelled into the shape of a giant sweet potato, all because you failed to properly analyze the Rimulite body chemistry. Safe for invasive entry, indeed! And after all of your failures, what do I do? I convince Will to modify your probe."

B-9 sighed. "Yes, Zack, you are too good to me. It was quite masterful how you convinced Will that my soil probe needed to be heated."

Smith nodded, grinning. "And don't forget, self-lubricating as well."

The mechanoid chuckled softly. "Yes, I nearly incinerated two logic circuits listening to your justification of my probe modifications to Professor Robinson. Ingenious, Zack. He swallowed the whole thing."

The Doctor snickered. "And that's not the only thing our intrepid Professor swallows. Interesting how he and Major West always find time to take the Chariot into the wilderness for some exploration and drilling."

The robot guffawed loudly. "Hah! Drilling! That is a good one, Zack! Drilling!"

Smith put a finger to his lips, eyeing the closed partition warily. "Quiet, my frisky friend. Let's not wake the entire ship!"

B-9 lowered the volume of his laugh instantly, mimicking Smith's motion by moving one of his claws over his lighted vocal indicator panel. The orange panel flashed rapidly as the mechanoid broke down into a minor laughing fit.

"Yes, Zack, we wouldn't want to be too loud! We might awaken Judy!" The Robot's snickers increased in intensity. Smith was having trouble containing himself as well.

"Oh, how very droll! I think Will has been at your humor circuits again. Princess Judy never emerges from her cabin anymore, except for meals. I haven't the heart to tell Mrs. Robinson what became of her sonic mixer. I can't believe no one notices the power drain, let alone the incessant humming and moaning emanating from her cabin!"

He sat back against the cabin bulkhead, both hands covering his mouth in a not entirely successful attempt to hold in his laughter. Dr. Smith was gasping for air, kicking his slippered feet up and down against his mattress. The Robot was laughing uncontrollably as well, both claws now up to his indicator panel, his upper body swiveling from side to side.

"And don't forget dear Penny! She was extremely excited over the revelation about the Bloop!" The mechanoid was nearly in a frenzy, his lights flashing rapidly.

Smith nodded, his eyes squinted with tears. "Indeed, yes! Debbie became Derek immediately after Bloop puberty! Good thing the creature was used to wearing pants! Couldn't have all that, um, equipment waving about unsupported! And Penny, that shameless hussy! Convincing her poor Mother that the horny creature was merely lonely and wanted to sleep in her cabin! Scandalous!"

Both were nearly incapacitated with laughter. After a few minutes, Dr. Smith slowly regained his composure.

"How insulting! Mr. and Mrs. Boring Robinson have the gall to actually begrudge my meager little pleasures with willing aliens...."

"And don't forget willing mechanoids!" the robot chirped in.

"Right you are, my flirtatious friend! But to persecute me, while their two darling daughters engage in the most degrading activities with kitchen appliances and horny teen-age alien primates? The indignity of it all!"

Standing up suddenly, Dr. Smith put both of his hands over the middle of his chest and gazed down at the deck plating.

"Oh, the pain. The pain!"

The robot ceased laughing. "Oh, Zack, you know that drives me wild when you say that!" The small compartment door slid open, and his probe began to extend, it's quivering, glistening head reflecting the meager light in the cabin. Smith snapped his head up instantly.

"Put that thing away, you preposterous pansy! You know I have a delicate back! I'm not sure I can tolerate two of your harpoonings in one evening!"

The Robot simply snickered and continued to advance upon Smith. Just then, a loud rapping shook the partition. The Doctor shot the B-9 an icy glare.

"There! Now you've done it!" he hissed. "You've awakened our fearless leader! Ignorant imbecile!"

Whirling about, Smith fumbled with the latch and slowly pushed the partition open. With a gasp, he threw it wide.

"Well, well! What a pleasant surprise! William! What may I do for you, dear, dear, boy?" Dr. Smith looked from Will to the robot, wagging his eyebrows slyly.

Will Robinson stood in the opening to Dr. Smith's cabin. The seventeen year-old was dressed only in a pair of tight-fitting silver spandex workout shorts that left nothing to the imagination. His shoulder length red hair was tied back into a loose tail, and his slim but well defined torso was covered in a satiny sheen of sweat. He held a towel in one hand. The youngest Robinson grinned crookedly.

"I was about to turn in after my workout when I heard your voices. I'm not really tired. Mind if I join you for a bit, Dr. Smith?"

B-9's head shot up like a Titan rocket under full thrust. Smith merely grinned even more broadly.

"Of course, my boy, by all means, join us!"