If We Kissed

Chapter 2

"Why? Why would I want to forget you?" Nicholas felt a memory, a set of memories, working their way toward the surface, like tiny bubbles rolling in slow-motion to the surface of boiling water. He hopped out of his chair. Pacing back and forth in front of LaCroix, he felt like he was going to rip out of his skin. He faced his master and looked into his sad eyes. "Help me to remember. Help me, LaCroix."

"Oh, Nicholas. That's all I've ever wanted to do." LaCroix felt a tightening from his neck to his groin. He wanted to touch him, soothe him as he often had after bringing him across. The young vampire had been eager and impatient then, wanting to know and do everything at once. His expression now reminded LaCroix of that Nicholas--his devoted, loving child looking to him for help and guidance, and eventually so much more. Soon enough, with the return of his son's memory, that sweet, vulnerable, *needy* expression on his face would disappear, replaced by the familiar mask of resentment and hatred, only this time it would happen in a matter of minutes or hours, rather than the decades and centuries that it had once taken. LaCroix wondered if he could bear such rejection from his Nicholas a second time.

Nicholas looked at his master's eyes, his lips, his neck, and he gasped as the memories assaulted him, his eyes rolling back into his head. "LaCroix . . ." He spun and side-stepped as if he'd been shoved.

"Nicholas! What is it?" LaCroix lunged forward, grabbing Nicholas' arms, pulling him in to himself and supporting him. He felt a jumble of emotions ripping through their link, but he could feel Nick's fear and pain above all the rest. "Nicholas!"

Nick didn't answer, but jerked and gasped as if he'd been struck a second time. LaCroix held him tight, to keep him from falling. Finally, Nick raised his head.

"Nicholas?" Their link was clearing and Nick was able to stand on his own. LaCroix started to release his arms when it hit him. He looked at his beloved son, not believing what he was feeling; a sensation he'd feared he'd never experience again. He gasped as wave after wave of Nicholas' love burned through their link like electric honey, thick with passion and desire. He let go of Nicholas' arms and stepped back, not daring to truly believe what was happening.

"Nicholas . . .?"

Nick closed his eyes as a shudder ran through him. He looked into his master's eyes and made a soft sound deep in his throat, almost a whimper. "I remember", he said. Nick stepped forward and raised his hand to LaCroix's face. "You . . . I loved you," he whispered.

LaCroix closed his eyes as Nicholas' hand cupped the side of his face. "Yes."

"Why? Why didn't you tell me we were lovers?" He ran his fingers down LaCroix's cheek and chin. LaCroix gasped as Nicholas' fingertips brushed over his lips.

"Ohh, Nicholas. I wasn't hiding anything from you. What you're remembering is, as they say, ancient history." LaCroix reluctantly pulled away from his son's hand and took a step back.

"No. I remember lovers, and I remember being in love, and none of that compares to this. Why . . . how could it have ended?" He took a step forward, and frowned as LaCroix moved away. "Tell me why our relationship changed? Did you end it? You stopped wanting me?"

The question ripped at LaCroix's heart. "No, Nicholas. My feelings have never changed. You are the one who ended it." LaCroix felt his anger rising at that thought. Looking at Nicholas now, the love in his expression, made him furious at his son for denying him that love for hundreds of years.

"How could I have ended it? This feels so . . . right. I loved you so. I *love* you so." Nicholas reached for LaCroix but he jerked away. "Then tell me, LaCroix, why would I do such a thing!"

"Guilt, Nicholas. You let your guilt come between us." LaCroix growled out the words. "Your high-minded, humanitarian principles led you away from your kind, away from me. Your master, your father, the one you loved with complete devotion, became an object of resentment. And hatred."

"No! I could never hate you. This kind of love could never-"

"You *do* hate me. You blame me for what you are. You've been trying to deny me for hundreds of years, searching to cure your unfortunate *condition*, a condition that I *burdened* you with almost 800 years ago." LaCroix spat the words at his son.

The amazement Nicholas felt when he remembered his feelings for LaCroix changed to regret, then despair. LaCroix had no reason to lie. But how could he have hurt someone whom he'd felt so strongly about? How could he have denied the man who'd given him such a gift as eternity, and such intense pleasure? He squeezed his eyes shut, fighting to stay in control of himself.

"I'm so sorry. Forgive me." He opened his eyes. "No matter how much I might wish it, I can't change what's happened, what I've done to you, to us. I only know that now . . .I don't remember hating you, LaCroix, I only remember loving you. Desiring you. Needing you." Nicholas stepped up to his master and placed a hand on his arm. This time, LaCroix didn't jerk away. "Please, LaCroix. I've remembered these feelings. You claim your feelings have never changed. Indulge me."

"But you will remember, Nicholas. And I've no doubt you will regret this entire day, every last moment of it." LaCroix's heart almost physically ached with the knowledge that what he'd wanted for centuries was within his grasp. He looked at Nick's desperate eyes and his opened mouth, and slowly, painfully, pulled his arm away.

Nicholas clenched his teeth together and closed his eyes.

"No, LaCroix. Please. We need each other." He opened his eyes in time to see LaCroix turning away.

"No! Please. . ." He reached for LaCroix's face, turning the elder vampire to look at him again. "I need you, mon maitre. Have I hurt you so deeply that you won't have me now?"

Desire surged within LaCroix as he searched his son's eyes. "Oh no, mon fils, I think there's nothing I couldn't forgive you. But if I give in to this, to the way I feel . . ." He reached up and pulled Nicholas' hand away from his face, but Nicholas held on to his hand and wouldn't let go.

What would happen if we kissed?
Would your tongue slip past my lips?
Would you run away?

"When your memory *fully* returns, you'll hate me all the more." LaCroix tried to pull his hand out of Nick's grasp, but the younger vampire held tight.

"I don't believe that."

"I do."

"Let me prove otherwise. Please. I need you so." Nicholas pulled LaCroix's hand to his mouth. He looked into his master's eyes as he kissed each knuckle, lightly flicking LaCroix's skin with his tongue.

LaCroix gritted his teeth as his groin tightened. "Oh, Nicholas." He pulled his hand free and placed it on his son's face. "You always were a wanton creature." LaCroix's nostrils flared as he stroked the side of Nicholas' face.

Would you stay?
Or would I melt into you
mouth to mouth

Nick pressed his cheek into his master's hand, basking in the feel of LaCroix's caress. As LaCroix's fingers moved across his chin and up to his lips, Nicholas sucked his master's index finger into his mouth, swirling his tongue up and down its length. LaCroix groaned in surprise, and Nick felt his own erection pressing painfully against his trousers.

"Mon fils . . . mon coeur. It's been so very long." LaCroix slipped his finger out of the inviting mouth and rubbed it over Nicholas' soft lips, wetting them. Nick closed his eyes as his master's skilled fingers worked a path down his chin and neck. As LaCroix reached the buttons on his shirt, Nick felt something start to bubble up from his chest. A vague memory, a vague feeling started working its way up into his mind.

"Nicholas?" LaCroix noticed the distant look on his son's face.

Nick grabbed his head with both hands, screaming, and crumpled to his knees.

"Nicholas!" LaCroix dropped with Nick and grabbed him by the shoulders, calling his name repeatedly. Finally, Nick raised his head, letting his hands fall away, and looked into his master's eyes. "I . . . I remember . . . screams . . . begging . . . I killed them! I couldn't . . . stop I couldn't . . ." A red streak ran down each cheek, and as he looked at LaCroix's face, his sobs grew louder. "No . . . no . . . I'm sorry, so . . . sorry."

His son's pain burned the ancient's heart. He pulled Nicholas into a tight embrace and rocked him slightly back and forth. "It's all right, Nicholas. It's all right," he whispered over and over, pressing his lips into Nicholas' ear and the side of his face. He ran his hand over his son's loose, blonde hair. "I'm here for you, my son. My precious son."

LaCroix felt tears forming in his eyes at the realization that, after the joy and hope for their future he'd allowed himself to feel only a moment ago, this would probably be last time he would hold his Nicholas in his arms. Their moment of sweet nostalgia was over and would be soon forgotten, and he was sure, soon denied. Nicholas was remembering the killing--it was only a matter of time, minutes maybe, before he remembered his hatred of his master and cast him out of his life once again.

Nicholas pulled out of the embrace and sat back on his heels, prompting LaCroix to do the same. "Oh, LaCroix. I remember. I remember everything." He wiped his blood-tears away with the backs of his hands. "I'm so sorry."

"Sorry? For what, Nicholas? For killing or for remembering?" The elder vampire composed himself and blinked away his tears before they spilled down his cheeks.

"Both. I remember being a vampire," he said. "I remember the killing and the pain I've inflicted on others." He reached his hand towards LaCroix, but pulled it back. "And I remember hurting you." Nick could feel LaCroix's sadness and pain through their link. "I hated what you stood for, LaCroix. What you represented. But I don't hate you."

LaCroix felt Nicholas' guilt and pain, and then something else that nearly brought the tears back to his eyes. Despite all the emotions Nicholas was feeling at that moment, his love for LaCroix still flowed underneath. He looked at Nicholas with wonder. The joy and desire he'd had and lost within minutes started to build inside him again.

Nicholas smiled slightly. "Yes, LaCroix, I still want you. Maybe it's because I remembered loving you before I remembered anything else that has happened between us. I had forgotten how it felt . . . how I felt. Being reminded of that, I can't believe I ever let it go."

LaCroix closed his eyes for a long moment, relishing what he was feeling and hearing. "You have no idea how I've longed to hear you say those words." He opened his eyes and stood, looking down at his son. The realization that their time together should wait, for both their sakes, felt like a burning stake in LaCroix's heart. "But it's been a tumultuous day for you, and perhaps we should give it some time. You may feel differently in a day or two, even in an hour, and I don't wish to take advantage of your emotional state."

"No, LaCroix." Nick reached up and grabbed LaCroix's hand. He kissed the back of his master's hand, turned it and kissed the palm, and then pressed it to the side of his face. "I know how I feel--this is not going to change. I want you."

LaCroix knew his erection was obvious, and looking down at the kneeling Nicholas kissing and massaging his hand, caused it to bounce and strain against his trousers even more. "And I want you, Nicholas, more than anything. A week, mon coeur? A week, to let it all 'sink in', if you will. Then, if you feel the same, I will still be . . . available." He smiled.

Nicholas kissed each of LaCroix's fingertips, the wet tip of his tongue brushing each one in turn. "All right. A week. But until then, a token, to make the time bearable."

"And that is?"

"Kiss me."

The desire coming through their link made LaCroix want to scream and rip into Nicholas' throat. "No."


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End Chapter 2 of 3

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