By Proxy

DISCLAIMER: Not intended to infringe on copyrights of Viacom, Paramount, nor any other legal holders of Star Trek copyright.

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By Proxy
by OdoGoddess
Part 2

"Major...Nerys...I-I thought we'd agreed--"

"No, you walked out of our discussion and no one agreed to anything."

"Yes, well--"

"And I've listened to Edon...and Julian...and I listened to what you said in the room and some of what I said and...we need to talk, Odo...and I'd like you to listen to me first, then you can tell me whatever you like. All right?"

He nodded. What choice did he have? "I'm listening."

"Odo, I was no more happy about it than you are, but...Edon is right. We need this. Bajor needs this. Stop thinking of you and try not to think of me...just think of Bajor right now."

He sighed. "I have, Major. This is an important treaty, I understand that quite well. But that's not my objection to this...this proxying."

"Then what is?"

"It's..it's not right, Kira."

"Because I'm your commanding officer? Because I'm pregnant? Because you've only been divorced for a few months? What is it? Tell me what bothers you about this, Odo."

"Kira..." he sighed, nearly groaning as he ran a hand through his hair. How to tell her? How to explain that doing this thing meant...meant it was for Bajor...and not because he loved her or she loved him. How to tell her that while he cared for Bajor, he could only do this if it was out of love and not duty? How to tell her he loved her when it was too, too late to say that now when faced with a duty he would find easy enough to execute...but what would that do to him if he did? He felt his stomach clenching and his eyes stinging. He shook his head. "I can't."

"Please try," he heard the tears in her own voice and looked to her. She pressed his hand back to her belly and he swallowed. "Please, for me...try, Odo."

"That's just it, don't you see?" his soft pleading voice carressed the still air in the dimness of his room. Kira swallowed, too, and nodded at him.

"I'm trying. It's about me, then...my pregnancy?"

He shook his head, then shrugged a little. "Partly."

"Is it...is it because I'm your commanding officer?"

He shook his head, almost breaking into a near-hysterical laughter. He managed to choke down his reaction and looked away. "That never entered my mind, Nerys."

"Is it...the turbo-lift accident?"

He looked back to her. "Turbo-lift accident?"

"When Shakaar first came to the station and you...you mistakenly gave your security code...nearly got us all killed."

Odo closed his eyes and drew in a breath. "No, not really."

"I wondered," Kira admitted. "You avoided me for so long after that, even stopped our weekly meetings and I thought you might still feel a little...well, guilty about it."

"No. I don't think about that time very often actually."

"It was a mistake, though, Odo. I make them, Prophets know I do! And...well, you know what I told you a few weeks back...we really do all make mistakes. I think my lesson in that was that I should stop looking at you like some...some perfect paragon and start seeing you like a person. I don't know why I didn't. Honestly, the turbolift incident was a mistake and it never occurred to me you had made it. Can you believe that? Even after you stopped our meetings and all and I had told myself it was because you felt guilty for security's mistake...and I still didn't get it through my head that you were the one in security who had made a mistake in the first place! I'm not the fastest pick-up around, Odo, Prophets know that, too. But what I'm saying is...you made that mistake and I forgave you. I forgave you more recently for the other. I don't hold any of that against you. You do believe me, don't you?"

Her soft voice made him search her eyes for a moment. He nodded. "Maybe I don't forgive me, Nerys."

"You had no choice to work for Dukat, Odo. And like I said, the Occupation got us all dirty."

"Perhaps."

"And the turbolift thing, it was just a stupid accident. Nothing you could have figured, everything was crazy at the time and terrorists are clever. I should know."

"Yes."

"You don't very sound convinced."

"It's hard for me to forgive myself, Nerys," he softly informed her now. "When the reason I nearly got us all killed on that turbolift is because part of me wanted Shakaar to die."

The quiet stillness grew absolute. Moments stretched into lengthy intervals of timelessness. Her eyes never left his, a deep violet in the dimness giving a peculiar gray cast to his normally peachy-pale skin. His eyes bore into hers, seeming to beg her to look into his own...to see beyond and into the realm of his thoughts. What would she find if she ventured there? A few weeks back the power of his mind had caused three others to venture there...and what they'd found was dark and disturbing. What would she find if she went? What he wanted her to see? Or would she see the truth?

"Tell me."

He blinked. "He was...stealing something very precious from me at the time...and he wasn't even aware he was doing so. But it was starting to destroy me. My inattention isn't so excusable to me because I think part of me knew exactly what it was doing...and was hoping that we all would die in that lift. I would have welcomed it. Can you understand?"

Kira frowned as her mind strove to fathom the intricate puzzle Odo had laid out for her. "You wanted to die in the lift?"

He did laugh this time, a short bark of sound, startling her. "Actually, I didn't expect a free-fall. I was hoping for a nice explosion."

"Odo..."

"Something quick." His head tilted for a moment, considering. His voice was quiet and matter of fact. "Something that would take away a little of the pain that I was fighting at the time."

"What pain, Odo? Please tell me."

"Have you ever cared for someone so much that you'd rather die than see them with someone else?" his eyes found hers again. They were bleak and weary. She swallowed.

"You're talking about being in love."

"Maybe. I wouldn't know about that, though, would I? You said so yourself in the ward room-- 'unnatural'. It's unnatural for a shapeshifter...a freak to have feelings like everyone else." His words were sharp and bitter. "Then I had a race to call my own; I was a changeling, a Founder...but I was an oddity among my own people, not just the ones on the station so they fixed that. They fixed me in place and then I became some joke foisted on the station by my people--"

"Odo..."

"...the liquid made solid," he kept on, ignoring her soft protest. "A cipher of a man that never had feelings, and now I had too many. Prophets forbid I might actually think I'm really a humanoid like the rest of you, even with this body they gave me...because then I'd really be delusional, wouldn't I, Major?"

He never saw the slap coming. It landed decisively. He didn't touch his face...didn't even seem surprised. To Kira's concern, he merely blinked, then looked back at her.

"Well, my feelings seem to be working. All two of them." He put up a hand as she lifted hers again. "I don't think that's necessary. I get your point...although I'm not sure just what it is."

"Damn you!" Kira closed her eyes and gathered herself. She took a slow, careful breath. "Odo...I came here because...I came here because I wanted you to talk to me."

"Funny. I thought you came here because you-- and the First Minister--wanted me to fuck you."

Blood seemed to drain out of her in a rush. She could feel her face and fingers grow cold and nerveless. Her voice sounded far away to her ears.

"Odo...what is the matter with you?!"

He stood now, feeling the ground firm beneath his feet. It felt good. "I should be the one asking that question of you and of Shakaar...even of Bajor itself. He asks me to have sex with you for the good of Bajor. Your objection was that I couldn't...then that I shouldn't and now...now you're concerned that I won't. Where is the relevant concern, Major? I was worried about the welfare of the child you carry...about how you would feel about the matter...how it might affect our working relationship, not to mention our friendship. So I say no and suddenly it seems like something you should talk to Shakaar about. You discussed me...about how to get me to change my mind. And here you are...ready to ply your wares--"

"Odo...I..."

"What part did I get wrong, Major? I'll retract it."

She grit her teeth. "It's not like that, Odo."

"Really?" he sat back down beside her with an expectant look. "Tell me how it is then. I'm listening."

A sob escaped her and tears began to slip down her face. She sniffed lightly. "I wish I hadn't come here..."

The look of pain that lanced through him was clear to her, and her undoing. She began to weep helplessly and despite the circumstances, leaned into him, seeking consolation. Despite himself, he drew her to him, held her tight, tears filling his own eyes, but he only spoke between grit teeth.

"Nerys...Nerys, I'm...I'm so sorry."

"What is happening to us?" she wailed.

The tight burning in his eyes eased as tears rimmed his eyelids. His voice was harsh though. "There isn't any us, Major."

"That's not true!" she pulled back from him and declared, "You're the most important person in my life! Don't you know that?"

He blinked at this, confused. His thoughts were a turbulent morass. "Shouldn't that be...Shakaar?"

"NO!" her outraged answer took him aback as she continued in a broken voice, "It should have been you..."

Kira drew close to him again, seeking his embrace. He allowed it, numb and uncertain. Did she mean...? "Kira..." he pulled her back from his chest now, seeking her eyes. Dark liquid eyes, swimming in tears met his own. "Kira...what are you saying to me?"

She sobbed. "It should have been you...it would've been you if you hadn't...hadn't thought our rituals were disgusting and undignified...and ridiculous!" this last was said on a rising wail and she collapsed against him once more. He let her.

Ridiculous. He recalled now the incident in which he'd used this term. When she'd stormed in his office after a group of Romulans accused him of having feelings for her and she had... ...then he had... Bajor below...what have I done? He held her closer then, tight against him and rubbed her back as the sobs began quieting down. I've been a complete and utter fool. No...a-- what was that word O'Brien used?-- a jack-ass. It sounded right. He felt like one, too.

"Nerys..." a sob answered him and his face reflected his pain at this. "Nerys, please...if you can...please forgive me."

"No," her answer made him wince, but then she continued, "You were right. It was wrong of us to ask...wrong and...wrong, wrong...all wrong."

"Listen to me." He moved her gently back from him and assessed her. She waited tearfully...fearfully. His heart skipped a beat and he closed his eyes, a sob escaping him now, too, as the truth rushed out. "Prophets save me...I love you so much."

He brought her to him then, clutched her against his chest and let his tears run down, run free. His voice was choked. "I'll do whatever you want me to, Kira. Anything at all." The knowledge was freeing. It made him sigh...a shuddering sigh and hold her closer still. The baby was turbulent between them, a roiling mass of surprisingly hard flesh. He put a hand on it, murmured, "I'm so sorry in there. I wouldn't hurt you...or your mother."

Kira sniffed. "Keiko's his mother."

"You're carrying him, you're his mother until he comes out of there."

"And you love me?"

He almost started to laugh...wept a little instead, nodded. "Prophets yes. And I'm sorry I couldn't tell you before. But I do. And Shakaar is killing me...and..." He pulled back from her. "I don't know if I can do this thing, Nerys...I don't know how much more of me can be killed before I actually start to die. Do you understand?"

Kira nodded. "I can. Now." She pulled him back to her. He let her. "I love you, too, Odo." He stilled. "And you were killing me. Can you understand?"

"Perhaps."

"After Bareil died...Prophets I wanted you! Everytime we talked, everytime you'd make me smile, some part of me was thinking-- how could you be so wonderful and not feel the way I was feeling about you? I kept hoping you'd look at me and say 'Isn't this nice how you and I get along so well? Why don't we try getting together?' But you drew farther away, and-- damn you!-- I started believing you...believing the things you said about humanoids...believing you didn't feel those things and that you couldn't feel that way and..." she pulled back to look at him.

His expression was mild, and slightly tired. "And what?"

"And I still love you, Odo." A soft and tremulous admission.

When he spoke, his voice was very small. "Do you still hope I'll say those things?"

She blinked tearfully. "I don't know."

He nodded. "All I ever ask for is honesty. Thank you for that."

"So much has happened, Odo."

"True."

"And...I'm with Shakaar now."

"True."

"...of course, we aren't betrothed." He nodded. "If I..." she touched his face. "If I drew away from Edon, what would you do?"

"That would depend on your reason for drawing away from him."

"Because of you."

"To test this...us?" She nodded. "I would ask you to consider me. All of me."

"All of you?"

He studied her. "I'm not a handsome war hero, not like he is. I'm not spiritual, not like Bareil was. I'm not even Bajoran, the Founders saw fit to fashion me in a human body. I don't have a family...I don't have a name I can give you...all I have is me. All of me. That's all I have and all I can offer you, Nerys, as flawed and imperfect as that may be."

Her breath caught. "...all of you."

"But that's what I would do. And that's what I would give you. All I am."

"Odo..."

"Yes...all of Odo. Odo'ital."

"Ital?"

"My whole name is Odo'ital. It's a cardassian term. It means... 'nothing'."

"Odo!"

"Yes, even said that way, it still means nothing."

"How can you stand that? Stand us calling you that? Why didn't you change it?"

"It's just a sound anymore. The sound of my name. I never knew anything else." He gave her a shy smile. "Until you."

"Constable," she whispered and he nodded. "Sweet Prophets. All I've ever done is...hurt you...or remind you of things."

"No. You also gave me hope...something else to live for. I never worried about what would become of me until I cared for you. After that I wondered what you would do if something happened to me. It was a pleasant exercise."

"You've always been important to me, Odo...even when I didn't love you."

His breath caught. "I could say the same, Nerys."

She touched his face, his lips. A tear slipped from him, landed on her hand. She smiled. "Tell me again." It was not quite an order.

"I love you, Nerys...with all that I am."

She smiled, a tear sliding free of her as well. Her voice was whisper-soft. "Now ask me."

He drew in a breath, managed to croak, "Will you...have me, Nerys?"

She moved in as close as she could comfortably manage...pressed her lips to his, kept pressing until he opened his mouth to her and let her in. His tongue was sweet and silky, his lips salty with tears. Perhaps they were hers. She wasn't entirely sure. She pulled back, noted he was breathing with as much difficulty as she was. Kira smiled.

"Only if you can forgive us both for being such idiots all this time."

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2B cont'd