I surrender ... I survive

Title: I surrender … I survive (part 2)

Author: Mary Eve Parker

Feedback: ms.parker@gmx.at

Category: AU, Harm/Renee, Babyfic,
Harm/Mac?

Spoilers: None

Note: I put it into an alternative universe
because it doesn’t fit into anything else.

Rating: NC-17

~*~

I surrender … I survive

Part 2

~*~

The car was parked outside the cemetery. It
was cold and had rained just before the funeral. Mac had decided that she had
to go, to be sure about the decisions she had made, not that she doubted
anything.

Her overcoat barely hid her pregnancy
anymore; nevertheless she was standing at the very back of the group, leaning
against a big tree, her hands in her pockets, resting on the swell over her
belly.

“Ashes to ashes, dust to dust”, the
priest’s words were.

Harm was standing in the first row; next to
him were several women, the admiral, Harriet, Bud, Sturgis and all the others.
Mac didn’t feel comfortable.

She watched him throwing the dirt into the
open grave. He even shook hands with almost everybody but didn’t notice her,
thankfully.

“You have to be Sarah Mackenzie”, a woman
suddenly said from the side. Mac was startled. She only nodded in response.

The woman was at least seventy if not older
with white hair and a soft smile playing on her lips. She was dressed all in
black. Probably some family, Mac thought.

“How far along are you my dear? It’s not
good for you if you are out in the cold too long. You may catch a cold.”

“It won’t be long Ma’m”, Mac replied softly,
tears stinging in her eyes while she watched Harm standing at the open grave,
the gravestone noticeable. “Renee Rabb – beloved wife and mother”.

“Come on in Mac”, she further said and Mac
looked down at her. “Oh may I introduce myself. I am Sarah Rabb, Harm’s
grandmother.”

Mac tried to smile but it was impossible.
Harm sank down to his knees, obviously crying. The baby was nowhere in sight
Mac noticed.

“Come with me. I am sure Harm …”

“Thank you Mrs Rabb but I just can not.”

“Call me Grams like everybody does.”

“I can't.”

“You can Sarah, you can. I am sure that you
can,” she sight softly between sighs, “you’ve always been family for me because
he talked a lot about you.”

***

Mac stood there with Sarah Rabb for a
little longer before she agreed to head to Harm’s place for a short visit to
talk to him about Tristan. Mac wasn’t sure how he would cope with that fact
that she was pregnant now or how she should tell him. Would he care at all?
There were so many things she hadn’t thought of.

Mac drove towards Harm’s house. It was a
big two story house with a huge porch where she noticed a nice swing. He loved
porch swings. Grams rode with her, not talking but studying Mac – her
movements.

***

“I can not do it. I am sorry,” Mac said
staring at the steering wheel.

“You can, Mac please. You are the only one
who will be able to talk to him.”

“No you are wrong. He hates me for what I
did.”

“I am sure he doesn’t. Come on Mac, you are
probably freezing in this light overcoat and you shouldn’t get sick at your stage
of pregnancy.”

“I am not that far along.”

Gram stared at Mac in disbelieve. She was
not huge for her state but quite big, especially if somebody didn’t knew she
was pregnant with twins they probably think that she’d be due any day now.

“I am pregnant with twins.”

“Oh … oh okay. Let’s get inside.”

***

Mac was standing in the middle of the
living room surrounded by the JAG staff and Harm’s family but Harm was nowhere
to be seen.

“Mac,” Harriet nearly screamed and ran
towards Mac with AJ junior.

“Hello Harriet, hello AJ.” Mac tried to
stay calm and a little distanced to the whole situation.

“How are you doing,” the blond haired woman
asked Mac.

“Oh thanks I am fine.”

“Get out of that stuff,” Sarah Rabb
commanded and helped Mac out of her coat. Now all eyes were fixed on her belly.

The room was filled with total silence for
a couple of minutes till a screaming baby broke it.

Trish Rabb tried to calm Tristan down.
Harriet tried it. Sarah Rabb tried it and a couple of minute later Mac found
herself seated on the big sofa, the legs resting on it too, with a baby in her
arms.

“He likes you,” Trish said and knelt down
next to Mac.

It was indeed a beautiful baby taking pletpletely after his father. He had little dark brown hair and steel blue eyes,
a cute nose and lovely lips. And he was asleep, pressed against her now so
motherly chest.

“How far along are you Ms Mackenzie?” Trish
asked.

“Call me Mac please. 25 weeks but with
twins that’s why I am that big.”

“Pregnancy suits you.”

Trish smiled, “You have no idea what those
boys over there” she moved her heads to a group of teenagers, “were talking
about before I came towards you.”

Mac looked in disbelieve towards Harm’s
mother.

“Yes, don’t look like that Miss … Mac. This
v-neck allowed them a nice view and they even love your big belly. When you
entered I thought you’d be due any day now.”

“Well unfortunately not Mrs Rabb but my
back keeps killing me like I would.”

***

-GB> 

The next time Mac woke up on the sofa the
baby was gone and a blanket was put over her. Exhaustion must have made her
fall asleep; she couldn’t remember when it was. She slowly got up from the sofa
and looked at the table. There was a note.

Mac,

Please look after Tristan you are the
only one with whom he stays calm and isn't crying. You are playing the
mother-role you. Tristan has chosen you. He didn’t know his mother, and he
unfortunately rarely saw his father yet.

I don’t know you Mac and we only talked
for a little while at the funeral but I am sure that you will love this little
boy. You can call whenever you need help, financial support or anything like
t

Harm isn't home. I doubt that he will be
home the next days. Make yourself at home here. He had been drinking the days
before the funeral. I remember that he once said that you have a problem with
alcoholism so maybe you can talk some sense into him.

And, he doesn’t know that you are here
because we couldn’t reach him. He didn’t take his cell phone with him, he
rarely does lately. Trish and I brought your stuff to the guestroom, Harriet
left you some leftovers in the fridge and there is a basket with special stuff
for you in the bathroom.

We also moved the baby bed from the main
bedroom to yours so you won’t have to get up at nights because there isn't
anything installed in the house yet to control the nursery.

Trish’s, mine and Harriet’s phone number
are on the other side of the sheet.

Take care of yourself and of my first
great-grandson. I already know that it was the right decision to give him into
your hands.

Gram

***

It had been two days ever since that note
had been placed on the coffee table. Two days Mac waited for Harm to come home.
Two days that she took care of Tristan and two days the baby got used to her.

***

There was somebody knocking at the door and
Mac made her way slowly towards it, the baby in her other hand. She was about
to nurse him.

“Hello Miss Rabb”, the men asked when she
opened the door.

“How can I help you?” Mac asked in return.

“I have a delivery for you, so please sign
here.”

“What is it?”

“Oh it’s just a crib I guess.”

“Okay.”

After she signed the man went back to the
delivery car and pulled the big crib out of it. When he came towards the door
he was studying Mac obviously. Thinking how a woman with such a small baby in
her arm could still look that pregnant.

“Where do you want me to put it?”

“The bedroom please, I’ll walk you.”

They went to the first floor. He reached
the first floor before her because she had to stop in between catching her
breath.

“Can I help you somehow,” the guy asked
standing in front of Mac with a smile on his lips.

“No thanks, I guess you don’t want to play
body switch for a couple of hours so I could get a good nights sleep.”

He just laughed in return.

“Your husband should be home helping you.”

“Well tell him that not me.” Mac thought
about playing along a little bit with him. “He doesn’t seem to be interested in
me at the moment. Work is more important.”

“Yes? I can't believe it. Look at you,
you’ve that glow. Magnificent. Angela, my wife, never radiated like that when
she was pregnant or afterwards.”

“It seems like things are different here.”

“How old is the baby?”

“Oh Tristan, he’s 2 weeks old.”

“He’s a cutie.”

“Coming after his dad.”

“Oh, it wouldn’t be bad if he’d come after
you.”

“Thanks, I guess.”

Mac blushed slightly and they went to the
bedroom, Harm’s bedroom, where he put it together for her as a favour.

“When will your husband come home?” he
asked a little nervously.

“I don’t know. He’s in the navy and things
are a little different there you know.”

“Sure, I've been in the Navy for nearly 15
years.”

“Really,” she asked happily, “Harm is at
JAG.”

“No it can't be. You are talking of Harmon
Rabb Junior here?”

“How do you know?”

“Well I heard the rumour that he got
recently married but I quite never believed that Harmon Rabb got domestic.”

Mac only smiled sadly.

”You see, he isn't that domestic.”

The guy, Thomas – that’s what the tag on
his shirt was telling – only nodded staring onto his hands.

“Do you want lemonade?”

“That would be fantastic. But do you maybe
have some coffee if it isn't a problem.”

“Oh now sure not. Go wash your hands, the
bathroom is the second door on the left side down the floor.”

“Okay I will be there in no time.”

She prepared some coffee; Tristan was in
his portable bed sleeping.

It had been a day like every other for her
since Gram made her move in here. She took care of herself as good as possible,
and spent hours thinking about what she’d tell Harm when he came home.

She was wearing one of her last comfortable
maternity outfits which was still fitting and not too light. Nevertheless it
was the beginning of December. It was a dark blue pair of trousers and a
woollen pullover over, the largest Marine t-shirt she owned. She felt
comfortable in those clothes and the warm socks she was wearing and she started
to like the house.

It was a big house with four bedrooms, the
big porch, a small library and a working room, three bathrooms, sauna and
whirlpool in the cellar together with a fitness room.

“Do you need any help?” he asked and smiled
at Mac, a smile that Mac returned.

“No thanks, sit down.” She put a cup in
front of him, got the milk out of the fridge. “Won’t Angel be waiting for you?”

“Nope and if I tell her that I had coffee
with Harmon Rabb’s wife she’ll be thrilled and forgive me.”

A conflict started in Mac’s head, should
she correct him about the marriage or not. Yes, no? No, yes?

“Okay I have to tell you the truth here …”
And so Mac started to tell him ‘their’ story, the story of love, hope and
little passion, faith and friendship and how one woman turned all that against
them.

***

When Thomas left Mac was exhausted. She had
cried, the first time in a long time. She had cried and Thomas had done his
best to comfort her.

Sometimes the question, why life can't be a
little easier on her, dropped in her mind but there was no way to find an
answer to it.

***

Tristan was a good baby, he slept mostly
four hours in a row and since he was quite small at birth and all those
complications with Harm, he only wanted to be comforted by Mac.

Two days after Thomas’ visit Gram came over
to see if thing worked out correctly and to speak to Harm. Harm hadn’t called
anybody or given any other sign of life. Mac was horrified what might have
happened. Or not.

“Mac, where are you?” the elderly woman
shouted through the house.

She heard some water splashes and so on
from the upper bathroom, so she made her way there.

“Mac are you in there?”

“Oh yes Gram, sorry, I forgot about the
time.”

“Can I come in?”

When did Harm’s grandma get so familiar and
comfortable with her? She was handling her like a granddaughter or the daughter
she never head.

“Sure, if you want to.”

The woman entered the bathroom and let some
of the hot air escape. Tristan was in the tub with Mac, lying on her chest.

Gram sat down next to Mac and stared at the
baby. “He seems to like the water,” she said.

“Well yes he likes it and the doctor said
that we are allowed to bath now. He likes to stick his toes into it, wiggling a
little bit before resting in the warm water.”

“Like his mom,” Grandma Rabb said softly.

“I don’t know about Renee.”

“I meant you.”

“I am not his mother Gram,” she replied.

“But you are now in his eyes. Harm isn't
there for him, he feels it. He clutches now on you. You are his one in a
billion.”

“If I remember correctly you wanted me to
take care of Tristan,” she said and caressed the baby’s back with the tip of
her fingers.

“Yes it was my decision. I wanted it to be
you. Trish may have been a good mo to to Harm but she is too old to take care
of Tristan. But you on the contrary are a mother to be. I knew that you’d fall
in love with him, even if he isn't your son by blood.”

”I love him already.”

“I knew you would. It’s just that when Harm
…”

“He still isn't back?”

“No,” Mac whispered with tears in her eyes,
“how can you leave a baby like that?”

“A baby you never wanted,” Gram commented.

“What?” she nearly shouted and sat up as
well as possible with Tristan holding against her chest.

“He never wanted that baby. He told me so.
Harm always wanted a family but not like this. He was, more or less, forced
into this marriage because we all knew that as soon as he knew that he’d be a
father he’d be there for the child. No Rabb should grow up without a father.”

“Yes, you are right. He always wanted
family.”

“And you too I guess.”

”It was time for it. The right time.”

“And the father?”

“Hm?”

n lan lang=EN-GB>“The father of your babies?”

“Oh, well … let’s say it was a donor.” She
replied and softly blushed. She had never thought that she would discuss her
not existent sex life with a woman double her age, a stranger, at all.

“Sperm bank I guess? Well Harm once talked
about those things too. I mean about donation for the case that …”

“He said a lot over the years. And I am
still not sure why I am here.”

Gram stood up and took Tristan from Mac’s
chest. She was standing there studying Mac from head to toe, okay, from the
face to her bellybutton.

“You know Mac; he’d like what I see there,”
she said and pointed towards the young woman in the tub.

“What do you mean?”

“He has always had a thing for you.”

“Oh …” Gram was able to make her blush more
often then Harm did over the last few years.

“Come on get out of the water, its already
cold and …”

“Okay mom…”

Slowly Mac stood up, let the water cascade
from her body and Gram handed her a big fluffy towel. When was the last time
that Mac stood naked in front of a woman? Well, ages, she thought, picturing
her mother.

“I am going to change him into something
warm. I’ll catch you in your bedroom.”

“Oh, Gram, his bed is in the master
bedroom.”

“Why?”

“Well, it’s a long story.”

“I only want to change him anyway. Those
things are still in the nursery aren’t they?”

“Sure.”

When the grey haired woman left the
bathroom Mac was standing there only clad in a big blue towel. She wasn’t able
to say a word

She was confused.

Slowly she made her way out of the
bathroom, entered the main bedroom where she had left her clothes over a chair
and suddenly stood in front of the big mirror.

A lot of thoughts were running through her
head – Harm and Renee making love in here. Harm’s hands on Renee’s belly in
front of this mirror. Harm’s hands roaming all over Renee’s body. Harm’s mouth
on the tips of Renee’s breasts suckling. Harm’s dick …

Slowly she opened the towel and let it fall
on the floor. She started to study her own pregnant body for the first time in
weeks.

She had gained some weight, directly to her
breasts and belly. She still had her long and slender running legs and a tight
butt. Her eyes slowly wandered up. Her belly was big, not huge yet, but quite
big for 26 weeks. She knew that she had to look for a GYN/OB over here again to
get the next appointment set. Maybe she should ask Harriet. There were no
stretch marks yet anywhere on her body. Not yet, she thought. She could feel
the movements inside her, softly, nothing painful. Yet. Her breasts have always
been a nice and full C-cup, now even DD was nearly tight and uncomfortable for
her. Her nipples had already changed in colour, one of the first things she
noticed about this pregnancy. They had always been a light shade of brown, now
they were about to turn black or something like that.

Slowly she sat down on the bed, still nude,
and moisture trickled down her cheeks. Mac had always had her hopes up that the
moment she would be pregnant her life would have settled down. No, it wouldn’t
have to be marriage but something equal to it, at least a caring father, a
caring boyfriend. Somebody she could share all those new experiences of love
with. And this new feeling, the need to care about something. The need to be
there for somebody day and night. The hopes, the love, the passion. And the
excitement of what would happen next. All those things should be shared with a
man, or at least with her best friend.

***

“Do you want to order Pizza, Mac?” Gram
asked when Mac came downstairs in leggings and one of Harm’s sweatshirts.

“If you want. I need some dead animal.”

“Okay, so half dead animal as my grandson
would say and half … what do I want? Oh yes, mushrooms and corn.”

Mac sat down at the cooking island and
looked at the elderly woman. “Gram why are you here?”

“Do I need a reason to see you?”

“No of course not but I …”

“Don’t Mac, everything will come as it
should.”

“You have no idea. I don’t want to stay
here any longer. I don’t want to do that anymore. I can not. I decided firstly
that I need to go through that alone.” Mac nearly was angry now.

“And we all know that it was a mistake. You
should have told Harm about whau wau want.”

“I've never had the time to do so. The day
the deal should come to work he had already announced that he’d be become a
father. He didn’t even tell me that Renee was back.”

“She only came back because of that.”

“What do you mean?”

“She always thought of you as a concurrent.
Always, believe me. We had a huge argument, her and me, the day before the
wedding because Harm had invited you. Of course he never got a reply and
everything from your side but she was jealous as hell. She always had been like
that, always wanted everything for herself.”

”And she had it.”

“No, she never had him the way she wanted
to.”

“No?”

“No, Mac, believe me, he may have got
married and they had a baby; but he never really loved her. He married her
because he believes that a mother AND a father have to raise a baby because of
all he had been through.spanspan>

Mac nodded in response. She knew Harm would
do that for every woman in his life, as soon as a baby on the way. He believed
in an intact family. A warm and caring home and the importance of a complete
family. Something she has never had. Something foreign to her. Something
unfamiliar.

Mac was sitting there staring at Harm’s
grandma. She had never had somebody talking honestly with her about all those
events. Harm tried to seem happy about the pregnancy and everything, all a
game.

They ate in silence and sat down on the
sofa together. Mac nursed Tristan and burped him over the shoulder and let him
cuddle against her motherly chest.

“he whe way, I really like your tattoo,”
Gram said with a smile on her lips. Mac just gasped. Her tattoo! “Yes, it’s
really a nice tattoo. I've never seen a woman with a tattoo like that, circled
around her nipple. Didn’t it hurt a lot?”

Mac just stared at her, not able to say a
word. Shocked. Hadn’t it been enough that she had seen her naked? But talking
about it was a little bit …

“Do not be ashamed Mac. I am sorry.”

“No I have to be sorry Gram. It’s just that
nobody ever …”

“It’s a wonderful rose arrangement. I have
never seen something like that before and I got a tattoo myself when I was
younger.” Mac only stared at her. Unbelievable. A grandma with a tattoo. “Just
because I am a great grandmother today Mac, doesn’t mean that I have never been
young. You know my husband loved tattoos and I got a rose on my butt on our
honeymoon.” Mac was still not abo sao say word. She had no clue what to say. “I
shocked you didn’t I?” Gram smiled.

There was a short pause before Mac replied,
“Yes I guess you did. There has never been somebody talking so openly with me”,
sadness filled her voice.

“You have to let the past be past Mac and
live for the future.”

“Easier said then done.”

“I know. But look at yourself. You have
Harm’s baby cuddled against your breast asleep, and you carry your own twins
inside yourself. And you came when you were asked to because we need you here.”

“I am only here because Harriet and the
Admiral thought I would be the only one who is able to talk some sense into
Harm. But I haven't even seen him yet.”

“Harm isn't himself at the moment.”

”But he always wanted a son. Now he should take care of him. I am not his
mother. I am not part of his parents. I am nobody to him.”

“Maybe things change and you need to be his
mother.”

“How that?”

“Nobody knows where Harm is, nobody. He
didn’t contact anybody yet. We do not know when he will be back. He had put a
letter of reassignment in today morning, the admiral just called. The Admiral
said he’s in Florida at the moment but nobody knows where and for how long.”
Gram took a deep breath, “Tristan needs a mother and we – so Trish and I – want
you to be it. We can not thing of anybody better. You can raise all three of
them together, even nurse …”

“He’ll be too old for that when mine are
born.”

“Don’t say that, try it. It’s just to give
him the feeling to be equal.”

Mac didn’t answer that one.

“I do not know why you tell me all this,
Gram. He will never be my son. I may take care of him but he is Renee’s.”

“He will probably never know if you do not
tell him.”

“It’s not up to me.”

“But you already love him.”

“How could I not? He has Harm’s …”

“You still love Harm, don’t you? Even after
all he has done,” she said with a deep sigh.

“Yes,” Mac ny why whispered.

Of course she loves him. She loved him
since they met in the rose garden. She couldn’t think of a day she didn’t love
him. But, the thing was, that she never felt like she was his type. He flirted
and teased her but he did it with every human being who was wearing a skirt.
She stopped counting the blond bimbos who came and left faster then she was
able to change her uniform. She always told herself that the main aspect in her
life would be to be a marine, to be a lawyer, and then maybe somewhere deep
inside be a woman, with feelings.

“But you left. You left him alone Mac,
why?”

“Because I couldn’t bear it anymore. I
never liked Renee and when he announced that they were becoming parents without
telling me that she came back at first … I felt betrayed. I felt sad, angry but
mainly betrayed. We worked so hard on our friendship and everything.”

“And I guess he doesn’t know that you are
pregnant.”

“No, of course not. I left in time. AJ …the
Admiral was the only person I told. He helped me in New York a lot.”

“He has told me so. He has also told me of
the three pictures you had placed over your fireplace. The ones which were
taken on the ball, the other from the embassy and one from you two and AJ
junior.”

“He has?”

“Of course. Trish doesn’t know but he told
me. He told me a lot over the last couple of days. He really deeply cares for
you Mac and he wants to see you happy. And we all know that you need Harm to be
happy.”

“He will be angry and furious with me. As
soon as he comes back I am leaving again. I don’t want a fight or anything. He
obviously isn't interested in his son so it is up to his family – you – to
decide what to do.”

Mac was going up and down in front of the
fireplace with the baby in her arms, still asleep soundly.

“I told you that we decided that we want
you to …”

“I can not Gram. He is Harm’s son. Harm has
to take care of him. He decided to get married to his bimbo. He didn’t use
protection fucking her … he made love to her …”, she stuttered and there the
point was reached where Mac broke down. She slowly moved to the floor, the baby
protectively in her arms and cried. She cried like she had never cried before.

Within seconds Sarah Rabb was behind her,
her arms around the young woman and pressed her shaking form into her small
body. One arm caressing her back with the other her hair and she let her cry.
Meekly Mac let the old woman hold her.

Gram knew that Mac was right. They couldn’t
let her raise the child against her will even if he had gotten used to her.
They had to think about a solution or a way to talk Mac into it. She already
loved the young woman like her own grandchild, her anxiety and fears were so
obvious.

“You have never told Harm how you feel
about him?” she asked softly.

“Of course not,” Mac replied within sobs.

“Maybe you should have.”

“The moment just never seemed right.”

“I know it never feels right till it’s too
late.”

Gram brought Tristan upstairs in the main
bedroom to let him sleep. He still wasn’t sleeping through the night. After
talking to Mac about her past she understood a lot of things - even why Mac
left, to protect herself from the pain of seeing her grandson with another
woman.

“Go to bed Mac, you need the few hours
Tristan lets you sleep. I will clean up here and sleep in the guestroom.”

“But the guestroom is where …”

“No you’re going to sleep in the main
bedroom tonight, please. You are the only one he stays calm with and I’d need
to wake you anyway if I …”

“Okay, but just for the night.”

“Where does he normally sleep?”

Mac looked, a little ashamed, up to Gram,
“in bed with me. It’s the easiest for my back.”

“Your back?”