Gilligan's File

I instinctively drew for my weapon, cursing when I realized nothing was
there. The scantly clad man crept forward moving stealthily through the
bushes, crouching low like an animal stalking it's prey. I raised my hands in
surrender, standing motionless. Then, faster than my eyes could track, the
man rushed forward and was in my face. I about shit myself when saw who my
attacker was.
"Krycek?"
He snarled thrust his spear against my throat, pinning me to a nearby tree. I
gagged as the crude weapon blocked my airways.
"BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA!"
"I...*COUGH*...I don't...*COUGH*...understand!"
"UNGA BUNGA BUNGA!"
"...Please..."
"UNGA BUNG BUNGA BINGA BINGA BINGA BUNGA!!!" He released his hold on the
spear and I collapsed on the ground, on the cusp of unconsciousness. Too weak
to protest, I submitted as he dragged me by my ankles to God knows where. I
think I must have drifted off at some point, because the next thing I knew,
it was night and I was hog tied at the foot of a massive gold throne, tikki
torches burning all around. Tarzan stood above me with his foot pressed into
my back, his spear angled at the back of my neck. I heard a voice coming from
the throne, but in my position I could only see their feet.
"You have done well, I am pleased. Very pleased."
That voice...
"Untie him and let him stand"
Nature boy slashed the ropes that bound me with on swift movement, allowing
my stiff legs to flop onto the ground followed by my face. I groaned loudly
and struggled to getmy fmy feet. The ropes still held my ankles and wrists,
constricting my movement. You can imagine that I was mildly annoyed. Krycek
grabbed me by my shirt collar and lifted me to a standing position.
"Damn it, I'm not a piece of meat, you know!"
"JINGA BUNGA DINGA!"
"Look, asshole, either start speaking English or I'm going to stick my foot
up your ass!"
"Ok, how's this? Fuck you, dick head!"
"ENOUGH! Calm yourselves!"
It was then that I remembered the hauntingly familiar voice that I had hear
while I was still on the ground. I whirled in the direction of the voice,
gasping when I saw the man's identity. It was my greatest and dearest friend,
the Cancer Man, dressed to match Krycek.
"YOU! You bastard, what do you want?!"
I charged at the Cigarette Smoking Man, only to be restrained in mid-stride
by Krycek.
"I advise you to control yourself, Gilligan. Do you have any idea who you are
dealing with?"
"Yeah, a cigarette smoking mother fucker!"
The fiend laughed and gestured to Krycek to release me.
"I'm afraid not, Gilligan." He paused dramatically, sweeping a hand through
his salt and pepper hair for effect. "I am none other than the Big Kahoona."
It was my turn to laugh.
"Is that supposed to mean something to me?"
"I should hope so, you see, I am in charge of the Great Sacrifice."
"The Great Sacrifice?" I asked skeptically.
"A ceremony to honor our most esteemed God. A wise, wealthy God who is
bountiful in the way of style."
"Who is this God?" I was expecting something typical, like Buddha or Allah or
Yahweh, or Neptune or even Satan. I should have known better than to trust my
expectations by now.
"Regis Philbin, of course." My expression of shock must have amused him. He
began laughing again, hysterically. "And you, sweet Gilligan," The CSM
reached over and cupped my cheek. "You will be our sacrificial lamb."
Just keeps on getting better and fucking better.
"Strip him of his clothing and bind him to the ceremonial alter." The big
Kahoona said with an evil smile on his face. Krycek wrapped me in a headlock
and pulled me away whe where I couldn't see.
"NO! No! Let go of me, I'm a Federal Agent! Human sacrifice is definitely a
felony!"
Of course Nature Boy wouldn't listen to me. He kept his iron grip on my neck,
barely allowing me to breath. I continued struggling, beating him with my
fists and trying to remain stationary on the ground but he didn't falter.
Instead, with his free hand he removed a vile from the satchel he wore,
uncapped it, and held it under my nose. I was out like a light, again.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

When I woke up I found myself stretched out spread eagle on cold cement. My
wrists and ankles were bound so tight that my circulation was cut off. Oh,
yeah. I was also completely naked. I twisted my head from side to side as far
as I could, trying to catch a glimpse of my surroundings. It was still night,
and I will still surrounded by an abundance of tikki tourches. I could see
the ocean's black waves crashing onto the shore of the nearby beach. I heard
no animal life, which frightened me considerably. Krycek and the CSM where
nowhere to be seen. The sudden sound of metal meeting metal made the hairs on
the back of my neck stand on end. I craned my neck backwards, towards the
direction of the sound. It was Krycek, sharpening two very large, very sharp
looking daggers. Beside him the Big Kahoona kneeled in front of a carved
statue of Regis Philbin. I don't know what was more disturbing; the thought
of those daggers slicing through my bared flesh or the notion of a cult
devoted to Regis.
"Listen, guys, you really don't want to sacrifice *me*. I never watch 'Live!
With Regis', and I never get past the 1,000 dollar question on 'Who Wants to
be a Millioniare.' "
That was a lie. Scully and I would often watch the show on those nights when
we were supposed to be working but were too damn tired to give a shit. We
knew more than any of those simps put together.
"Blasphemor! You will pay for your insolence!" Krycek hissed.
So, this is the end. In all the years of chasing EBE's, breaking into
government facilities without authorization, meeting with shady informants
and having wet dreams about my partner, I never imagined I would die in a
ritual sacrifice to Regis Philbin.
"Are the instruments ready?"
"Yes, Big Kahoona."
"Excellent. Lets begin."
The CSM stood over me, holding one of the daggers high above his head.
"Oh Great and Glorious Regis! We stand before you today, to honor your wisdom
and righteousness! Bestow upon us your grace, oh Magnificent One! In our
gratitude, we offer you this blood sacrifice. Please accept it with our most
humble regards!"
He looked down at me, pointing the knife away from the sky and at my body. He
was about to thrust it through me when a shower of coconuts fell from the
sky, pummeling the CSM, Krycek and me.
"It is a sign! The God is displeased!" Krycek cried frantically as he covered
his head with his arms.
"Run! Leave the sacrifice, let the God deal with him!"
The two fleed the scene, leaving me to my own devices. After taking several
unfortunate hits from the coconuts, the storm blessedly depleted. After
several minutes of quite, I heard voices coming from somewhere near me.
"Gilligan! Are you hurt?"
The Skipper, the Professor, Ginger, Mary Ann, The Millionaire, and his Wife
all stepped into view.
"Little Buddy!"
"Not so little buddy..." Scully/Ginger said seductively as she eyed my groin.
I blushed crimson. They all stood there, looking at me like a Christmas
turkey on display. I squirmed uncomfortabley.
"Hey, guys, a little help?"
"Oh, yeah, right-" They all said.
They untied me, and the professor gave me an overcoat he just happened to be
carrying. Ginger came up to me and wrapped her arms nd mnd my neck.
"Gilligan, darling, are you all right? You had us so worried! Maybe you
should stay in my cabin tonight..."
"No way, bitch! He's staying with me!" Mary Ann shoved Ginger out of the way
and took my arm.
"Ladies, please, there's no need to fight-"
"Darn tootin' there's no reason to fight. Little buddy's staying in my cabin
tonight." The Skipper said as he pointed at his chest with his thumb. This
was getting more than a little odd.
"Nonsense, Jonas! He'll stay with Eunice and I, it can be a threesome!"
"Actually, I think I'd just like to be alone right now-" I was cut off by the
riot that was breaking out, being pulled in all different directions by the
members of this little congregation.
"He's mine!"
"No, he's mine!"
"I want him!"
Yanked, backward and forward, spun like a top and played like a fiddle, the
last thing I saw was the fading black of their faces all around me.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I woke up with my face in my keyboard. I was dripping wet with sweat, and
amazed to find myself in complete and total darkness. The only light came
from the glow of my computer screen. Scully must have left for the night,
leaving me hear as a prank for falling asleep.
"Shit." I mumbled, trying not to kill my self as I stood and moved away from
my desk. I froze when I saw a shadow move across the room.
"Who are you?!" I reached for my weapon, which was blessedly intact.
"Mulder, it's me."
"Scully? What's going on?"
"I thought it was time to work on our...cooperation skills."
I was begining to feel a little nervous. I wish she'd come into the light so
I could see her.
"What, you want to stack some office furniture?"
"No, I was thinking more along the lines of bodies. Live bodies, this time."
Scully stepped out of the shadows. My jaw dropped open. She was dressed as
usual, white blouse, blazer, sensible skirt. But to accent these items she
wore a captains hat and fishnets. God, I hoped they were the crotchless kind.
There goes little Mulder again.
"Scully..." I said breathlessly. She ran from across the room, jd, ad, and
somehow latched herself onto my body, forcing us both to the ground.
"Take me, Mulder!" She kissed me fiercely, forcing my lips open with her
tongue. I gladly obliged, wrapping my arms around her waist. Her precise
little hands ran up and down my chest stopping at my collar. In one fluid
movement she ripped the shirt open, sending buttons flying in a storm of
passion. I shrugged the shirt off, then copied her actions on her. Scully
wasn't wearing a bra, and to my delight her fishnets were crotchless. I
growled hungrily and flipped her over so that I was on top. She smiled with
equal hunger and unbuttoned my pants. I slid them and my boxers of
effortlessly. I gasped when she grabbed my sex, guiding it into her. No
foreplay for this women, all business. After several "getting to know you"
thrusts I was pounding into her like a jack hammer.
"Mulder! Mulder!" Scully's breath was hot against my ear as she hissed my
name over and over, digging her nails into my back.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Mulder! Mulder!" Scully's breath was hot against my ear as she hissed my
name over and over, jabbing her elbow into my ribs. Her voice was far away,
and I couldn't see her beneath me anymore.
"Scully?" I blinked my eyes open and shut trying to clear my blurring vision.
I shrieked like a woman when a face came into focus. Itwas Frohike, naked and
smiling.
"Hey, big boy. Going my way?"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..."
"Mulder! Mulder, wake up!"
"Wha..."
I woke up face down at the table, surrounded by a puddle of my own drool.
Scully was shaking me and jabbing me, not in a tender kind of way. I smiled
sheepishly at her.
"Hey, Scully."
"Hey yourself."
I sat up and stretched, groaning at the crook in my neck that ached like a
mother fucker. FBI custom furniture is definitely not suitable for sleep.
"Is the meeting over?"
"Yes, it's been over. I had to convince the board that you were suffering
from acute sleep apnea due to the recent trauma of a case. You owe me Mulder,
big time."
Good 'ole Scully.
"Sure thing, Scully. How about I take you out to dinner?"
"Hmm, maybe. Come on, lets get out of here before they lock up."
I stood and rubbed my brow, recalling the dream I just had.
"Man, Scully, I just had the weirdest dream-"
"Mulder, judging by the noises you were making, I don't want to know
*anything* about the dream you just had. Come on."
Shit! She heard me! Damn, I hope I didn't say her name!
"Um, Scully, what exactly did you hear?"
She either didn't hear me or was ignoring me, because at that moment she
walked out of the room. I followed behind at her heels. All was restored to
it's natural order.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I smiled wickedly as I walked out of the room.
"Um, Scully, what exactly did you hear?"
Probably more than you wanted me to, stud. Mulder had been tossing and
turning slightly through the entire meeting, but towards the end he started
making noises that could be construed as sexual. After the meeting was
adjourned I stayed in the room with him, relishing in this momentary glimpse
into his psyche. My curiosity was rewarded when he groaned my name, muttering
something about a captain's hat and fishnets. Not your typical fantasy, but
this is Mulderr we're talking about.
I've been pinoverover Mulder for some time, but I never made a move. I
wasn't sure if the feeling was mutual. Sure he flirted, but I've caught him
in precarious positions with so many other women before I could never be sure
of his feelings for me. Now that I know, it looks like I'll be paying a
surprise visit to my partner tonight...lets see, I think I have a pair of
fishnets somewhere, but where am I gonna get a captains hat?

THE END!!!