Past, Present, Future

Murdock complied easily, standing so he could undress in front of Face's
appreciative, curious eyes. He'd seen most of that body before, but not
completely bare...and he definitely liked what he saw. When Murdock sat
back down, Face let his hands explore it most carefully, though his eyes
were locked onto Murdock's, unable to tear himself away from their dark,
beautiful gaze. He wrapped his hand around Murdock's cock, stroking it
while Murdock pulled him close for another long, hard kiss. He felt the
moisture of pre-cum trickling between his fingers, then he brought his
hand to his mouth to taste it. He was feeling hot again already, just
seeing how bad Murdock needed it now too. Letting his reservations fall
away, he got down on the floor in front of Murdock, as Murdock had done
just before for him. Tentatively, he reached for the erect cock and
licked it, used his tongue to explore its textures, its inviting
firmness. He finally got up the courage to take it into his mouth fully,
finding it a little more difficult to handle than he'd expected, but
Murdock didn't seem to have any complaints. He tried to find a rhythm,
using his hand on the base of cock while his mouth worked the rest of it.
From the noises Murdock was making, he sounded like he was almost ready
to come, so Face picked up the pace after a while, working him faster
until Murdock pulled out of his mouth just as he came, cum shooting onto
the lieutenant's face and all over his hand.

"Sorry..." Murdock gasped, "didn't mean to get all over you."

"S'okay..." Face said, licking some of the liquid off his lips. With a
wry smile, he asked, "Did I pass my first test, Teach?"

Murdock laughed at the new nickname, and pulled him up onto the couch.
"With flying colors. Come on, how about a shower - together - to get
cleaned up? Then we can get to work on your next lesson."

"Mmm, who would've thought schooling could be this much fun..."

The days passed much too quickly after that night, and before they knew
it, they were packing and getting ready for the flight back to the front
lines.

"Good-bye, clear skies," Face sighed, coming in from the balcony with a
few pieces of beach clothes he'd left outside to dry. He put them in his
small bag and closed it, then sat down on the bed where Murdock lay,
watching him.

"We have to decide what to do about this, when we get back," Murdock
stated.

"I know," Face agreed. They'd avoided this conversation all week but
he'd known it would have to come sooner or later.

Murdock sat up, putting an arm around Face. "I'm glad we've had this
time together, Face, it's been...what I think we both needed. You and
me, we make a good team, y'know?" Murdock smiled, squeezing Face's hand,
a look of fondness in his eyes. "But now we've got to go back and face
the same old shit as before, and I don't think...if we're gonna keep
workin' together, without...distractions..."

"We should leave this here, that's what I was figured, too. It wouldn't
be right, or fair to the others. We need to have our full attention on
keeping each other - everyone in the unit - alive."

Murdock nodded, and added, "At least for now, I think it's for the best.
Maybe a time will come, after all this is over...if we still want to be
with each other...well, I'm not gonna hold you to anything, but I
think...who knows." He trailed off, Face understanding what he was
trying to say.

"Yeah, who knows," Face agreed. "Hey, so, what're we doing wasting our
time talking away tonight? Come on and kiss me."

"Come on, Face! We're gonna be roadkill if ya don't get movin'."

Face blinked, suddenly aware of the angry line of motorists behind him,
horns honking now that the traffic had started to move but Face hadn't.
Face gunned the gas, wishing he would stop daydreaming like this.

Murdock asked after a few minutes of silence, "Are you sure you're okay,
Face? You seem real out of it. I think you really might be comin' down
with somethin', this colder weather and all."

"Maybe," Face answered, finding it much easier to let it go than to admit
to what was really bothering him.

Murdock didn't question him about it any further, and the rest of the
drive proceeded mostly in silence. They made a quick stop for some
groceries and a pizza once they got off the highway and were back in
Langley. Going up the drive to the house, Face was surprised to see the
Murdock had apparently been rather more busy than he'd realized earlier
in the day, setting up some exterior decorations around the grounds.
"Murdock, where the hell did Santa and the reindeer come from - and how
did you get them on the roof?!"

The pilot just grinned. "You've got your tricks of the trade, I've got
mine. You think it'll piss Stockwell off? I thought this place needed a
little more holiday cheer."

"How did you get that stuff past the guards? Why haven't they taken them
down?"

"Even Stockwell's little helpers can get into the Christmas spirit, O
Facial One...besides, most of them are all off taggin' the other guys.
They just left the rookies on us."

While Face put away the supplies, Murdock decided it was time to break
out some egg nog to go with the pizza. Face thought it was a good idea -
he needed something to help relax a bit. They crashed out for a while
after eating, just watching some old holiday cartoons on TV and doing a
good job finishing off the egg nog.

It seemed that Murdock was not going to let Face's earlier odd behavior
go, however. "Face, you're probably gonna kill me for askin' again, but
you've got me worried. You sure there's nothin' botherin' you. You've
just been kinda...I don't know, distant, the past few days, since the
other guys left. ...Are you mad at me?"

"Huh? No, of course not. Sorry if it seemed that way."

"So then spill the beans, muchacho, what's wrong?"

Face looked over at Murdock, his friend's obvious concern touching him,
making him want to talk about it. Why couldn't he just say it? What
could it hurt? Maybe it was just the egg nog loosening his tongue a bit,
but he finally admitted, "Ah...it's nothing really, just funny, you know.
I've...been thinking about something, out of nowhere, the past few
days...something from a long time back. I don't know why...I haven't
thought about it in years..."

Murdock asked him, "What is it?"

"Just...another Christmas. Back during 'Nam - that leave I scammed for
us in '70...?"

Face let the thought trail off, and after a short moment he could see the
understanding dawning on Murdock's face. "Oh, yeah. Man..." Murdock
leaned back against the sofa. "You know, sometimes I've wondered if that
ever really happened...considering we've never really talked about it
since then."

"I guess with everything that happened after that...the prison camp, the
bank job, coming home to being on the run...guess I put it down to one of
those crazy things that happened during the war."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. So, you haven't really thought about it
much since then?"

"No...I mean...I hadn't for a long time...not until recently. You?"

Murdock shrugged and only answered vaguely, "Not really."

Things turned to a somewhat awkward silence for a few minutes.. Damn,
if this isn't uncomfortable, Face thought to himself, wishing now that
he hadn't said anything. It would have been better - they were right -
to have left that time alone.

Murdock finally managed to change the subject, announcing, "Hey, there's
still the tree to do. You gonna help?"

"Yeah, sure," Face answered, glad for the diversion and to get out of the
den that had suddenly felt too small, too intimate.

The tree was a bit of a monstrosity, reaching nearly to the ceiling of
the living room. They started the lights from the bottom up, but even
Murdock couldn't quite reach to the top to hook up the star, needing to
stand on a chair to try to get to it. He stretched out precariously for
the top of the tree, and Face commented, "Why'd you have to pick such a
huge tree anyway?"

"Well, it was sittin' there all lonesome at the lot, no one else wanted
it 'cause it was so big -ack!" he cried as almost lost his balance on the
chair. Face stepped up behind him, holding his waist for support as he
secured the star. "There! All set!" Murdock announced, and he jumped
down from the chair, looking up at the tree in satisfaction. Face
realized he was still holding on to Murdock, and he didn't quite want to
let go, either.

"Looks good, don't it?" Murdock asked, turning around to Face. His hands
slipped away from Murdock's waist, but they were still standing too
close...his eyes were locked on his friend, not the tree behind them.

"Yeah, looks real good," he answered, his voice sounding a little hoarse
in his own ears.

Murdock placed his hands gently on Face's shoulders. "Face, what
happened between us, back then...it's not somethin' we should be so
embarrassed about. There wasn't anything wrong with it. We
just...somehow everything else that happened after that, I guess we never
had that chance we promised each other to give things another try.
Maybe...maybe you've been thinking about it, because deep down you
want..."

"...what?" Face prompted when Murdock didn't immediately continue.

Murdock just stared deep into Face's blue eyes. He didn't say anything
more, he only reached up anacedaced a hand gently on Face's cheek. Face
couldn't believe this was happening, but somehow it felt...all right. It
seemed like all those years just slipped away, as remembered another time
- the first time - Murdock had touched him that way, with that same
tenderness. Murdock began to caress the cheek of his one-time lover, and
Face didn't resist when, leaning in, Murdock ever-so-gently brushed his
lips against Face's mouth. The touch was enough to make Face forget any
reservations, and he found himself quickly being pulled into a lustful
embrace that left them both gasping for air when it was over.

Murdock looked into Face's eyes again, waiting for his reaction. "What
are we doing?" Face wondered aloud, but he did not remove his hand from
where it rested, low against Murdock's back. "This changes everything..."

"I know," Murdock agreed, leaning in for another kiss. His mouth left a
trail of kisses along Face's neck as he continued, "But maybe it's time
for a change. Don't you want this?"

"I do..." Face admitted, shivering as Murdock's lips teased his sensitive
skin.

"Then stop worrying," Murdock insisted, grabbing Face's hand and pulling
him over to the sofa. As soon as he sat down, Murdock was on him,
pushing him down, pressing his body up against Face's as they kissed
again. "Mmm," Murdock whispered, "man, you still taste so good..."

Face's hands ran along the lean body draped over his own, stopping on the
gentle, luscious curves of Murdock's ass. "You still feel so good. I
can't believe we're doing this."

"We can always claim temporary insanity later, now hush," Murdock
replied, his fingers quickly going to the buttons on Face's shirt. He
worked fast, his hot breath coming rapidly and driving Face crazy as it
fell on his increasingly bare skin. His hands ran through Murdock's hair
and he sighed as the pilot kissed his chest, flicked his tongue over
Face's. He couldn't believe this was happening - his mind was spinning
from the sensations, from the alcohol, and from the overwhelming sense of
deja vu. So long, he'd denied this memory...this pleasure...already now
he wondered how on Earth he'd lasted so long without it. His cock ached
as Murdock kept pressing up against him, and he halted Murdock long
enough to yank the pilot's t-shirt up over his head, so he could touch
Murdock's body, remember the sensation of letting his fingers run through
that wonderful, thick mat of hair on Murdock's chest, enjoying Murdock's
obvious pleasure. He could barely stand it, he needed Murdock so badly.
His hands explored lower, rubbing against Murdock's crotch, causing
Murdock to shudder and moan appreciatively. Before the pilot could
recover Face pulled him over and began to roll them both off the couch
onto the floor. Face straddled Murdock, who teased him, "Getting rough
already, is that the way you want it, Faceman?"

"You always did make me lose control." Face leaned in to kiss Murdock
again, his tongue exploring the warm, inviting depths of Murdock's eager
mouth. His hands reached for Murdock's belt, but the captain made life
easier for him and opened the belt himself, then unzipped his pants.
Face grabbed the waist of the pants and pulled them down quickly,
possessed with the need to get Murdock naked as fast as possible. The
front of Murdock's shorts were already damp, and the delicious bulge
hidden by the fabric practically begging for his attention. Face wanted
to taste it, stroke it, let it fuck him...his hand ran against the shorts
and he grinned as Murdock sighed. He paused just long enough get himself
to a similar state of undress, and then settled back on top of Murdock
again, letting the pilot wrap his strong, long legs around his body.
Murdock's hands ended up sliding under Face's shorts, edging Face on to
lose them quickly.

Face did just that and Murdock finished undressing as well, and then he
turned himself around so that he was right over Murdock's cock, and his
own erection was dangling over Murdock's mouth. He felt himself being
pulled into an incredibly warm, inviting place, and he lowered his mouth
around Murdock, sucking him in as deep as he could. Their movements,
their moans echoing each other, Face let all other thoughts slip away,
all other concerns disappearing. Before he knew it, his body convulsed
with a blinding wave of pleasure, and he just barely noticed Murdock
reaching his own orgasm, his seed spilling out into and out of Face's
mouth.

Face collapsed down onto the rug next to Murdock, his head spinning, his
breath coming in hard gasps. Murdock turned around and wrapped an arm
around Face, sighing, "Jeez louise, if I'd had known that a little
nostalgia and alcohol could get you this wound up..."

Face laughed, agreeing with Murdock's sentiments. "Is this nuts,
Murdock? We still have to work together - that was why we ended things
before."

"I know...it's probably a bad idea..." Murdock lifted his head to look at
Face seriously. "You want to forget this happened - let things go back
to normal? The way you made that eggnog we may not even remember any of
this by tomorrow, anyway."

Face considered things for a long moment...Murdock's eyes showed no
judgment, just concern and understanding. Jesus, we're so close
already, Face thought to himself, can either of us keep denying what we
feel for each other any longer? "It would probably be the rational
thing to do...but somehow you make me want to not be very rational. I
just want to be with you."

Murdock smiled, then settled his head back down against Face's chest.
Then he started to laugh. "What?" Face asked.

"Just thinkin'...you know Stockwell has spy cams all over this joint.
I'm wonderin' if he isn't sittin' up there in his big fancy jet right
now, gettin' the surprise of his life watching this little scene."

"Hmph." Face didn't quite find that as amusing an idea as Murdock did,
but he supposed if it was true there wasn't much they could do about it
now. "Well, if that's the case, how 'bout you 'n me get dressed, finish
this tree off, and head over to your place - where we kwe cwe can be
alone?"

"As the colonel might say, it sounds like a plan to me."

---

Christmas came and went peacefully, with a few small gifts exchanged,
many more wrapped up for the rest of the team's return, and much "private
celebrating" between Murdock and Face. Spending most of their time at
Murdock's place, they found lots of ways to entertain themselves over the
following days, barely able to take the time to go outside to eat or for
anything else. Neither had spoke of any regrets "the morning after"
Christmas Eve, for it had been so easy to fall back together, and it was
feeling too good to worry about the repercussions that might come later.
Maybe the end of the week would come, and as before they'd have to have
another "what're we gonna do now?" talk - but this time, Face didn't
think he could let himself be talked out of continuing this relationship
like he had before.

Face felt the captain's body press up to him, as he stood in the kitchen
cleaning up the dinner dishes. Murdock circled his arms around Face and
snuggled into his neck, breathing in deeply. When he exhaled, the
feeling of his breath against Face's skin made him shiver. "Murdock, I
can't finish cleaning up if you keep doing that. Talk about
distracting...!"

"Come on Face, you promised," Murdock pleaded, kissing Face's neck
lightly, refusing to leave him alone. "Time for some after-dinner fun
and games. I cleared away some floor space and got the game out and
everything."

Face turned around and playfully pushed Murdock away from him, laughing
at the devilish look in Murdock's eyes. "Murdock, we did that last
night, and I think I sprained something in my back."

Lustily Murdock pinned the lieutenant against the cabinet again and
growled, "Yeah, but playing Twister with you gives the game a whole new
meaning. I'll take care of that back for you later - and anything else
that needs Dr. Murdock's attentions." Before Face coulise ise another
protest, Murdock's mouth covered his own, and with their bodies so close
Face found his resolve to do anything but make love to Murdock right
there and then fading away.

The dishes, the game, and his stiff back momentarily forgotten, Face
found himself just a few minutes later already half undressed and in
Murdock's embrace in bed. And then the phone started to ring.

Face groaned, "Ignore it. Can't be more important than this."

"But..." Murdock was silenced by a strong kiss from Face, who rolled on
top of Murdock, pinning the struggling pilot beneath him.

The phone kept ringing, and with an agile twist Murdock squeezed out from
under Face and reached for it. "Hello?" Murdock answered it. Face
tossed a pillow at him. There was a long pause, and Face immediately
grew concerned when Murdock finally spoke again. "What is there left to
talk about?" he said in a controlled voice. Murdock was turned away from
Face, so he couldn't read the captain's expression. Another long pause
followed, then finally, "I'm still here. I'm just...this is a bad time,
okay?...I don't know...all right...listen, I'll call you back later and
we can talk about this...Yeah."

He hung up the phone, but didn't turn back around. Face sat up, knowing
- and dreading - what he guessed he had just heard. "That was Kelly,
wasn't it?" he asked.

"Yeah."

"...And?"

Murdock just shook his head and let out a long sigh. "She's feelin' bad
about what happened before, says the holidays were makin' her think about
us again. She wanted to apologize and...to know if there was any chance
we could get back together."

Face felt the dread settle on him, tying a tight knot in his stomach.
"Is there?"

Murdock finally turned back to Face, his expression betraying his mixed
emotions. "I...I don't know. I didn't expect this at all."

"Neither did I," Face agreed.

"Face...I just...oh hell," Murdock dropped his head in his hands. "I
knew I shouldn't have done this. I shouldn't have let myself jump into
this with you so soon after...even though I never expected..."

"You're right, you shouldn't have," Face agreed, resentment and anger
building. "What was I for you, Murdock, just a quick fix until she
decided to call you running back to her?"

"No, of course not!"

"Well, it sure feels that way. I let myself think that here we are,
finally realizing after all this time that we're right for each other,
and you were still just pining after her!"

"Face, you know that's not it! I love you. The past few days have
been so amazing...but I can't deny that part of me - a big part of me -
still has feelings for her. I...I at least owe it to her to hear out
what she has to say. I just...I need some time to think about this."

"Take all the time in the world, Murdock." Face got up from the bed.
"Because right now, I'm feeling pretty used, and I need some to think,
too." With that, Face stormed out of the bedroom before Murdock could
stop him. He grabbed his shirt and jacket and was out the door, slamming
it behind him.

---

Face barely slept that night, staring up at the ceiling in his room - a
room that was feeling increasingly like a prison cell. Damn it, he
kept thinking, we've fucked things up, fucked them up so bad...how are
we ever going to be able to face each other, face the rest of the Team?
This was so stupid...so damn stupid...

When he couldn't sleep any longer, he just wandered around the house,
wanting something, someone to take out his anger on. He stood before the
Christmas tree, the ornaments shimmering faintly even in the darkness,
and he wanted to knock it over, break every ball, watch them
shatter...but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He just stormed out of
the room and down to the gym, pounding on the equipment B.A. used to
practice boxing, beating his fists into it, yelling at it...all his anger
over not just this but everything else that had happened to them in the
past few months - the trial, Stockwell, finding and losing his
father...all of it was coming to a head, and he needed a release.

He finally collapsed, exhausted, his eyes red from tears held back for
too long and his knuckles bruised and aching. With great effort he
pulled himself back to his feet after a while, and went back to his room,
where he stayed, still staring up at the ceiling, as night faded away and
dawn approached.

Sometime that morning he must have fallen asleep, because he was startled
awake by the ringing of the phone .

Disoriented, he reached for it and answered, "Hello?"

There was a brief pause. "Face? It's me. ...Can I come by and see you?
I need to talk to you."

Despite the anger and hurt he still felt, part of him still couldn't say
no to Murdock. "Yeah. I guess so."

"Thanks. Thanks, Face, I'll be right over."

Face lay on the bed - he hadn't even undressed from when he'd gotten home
last night - and wondered what was going to happen now. Was Murdock
coming over to tell him it was all finished, that he was running back to
be with Kelly again? Was he going to try to apologize and make up for
even doubting that Face was the one he wanted to be with?

Despite everything, he desperately wanted to feel Murdock's strong arms
around him, to tell him that things would be okay. But would they - how
could they - after everything that happened and terrterrible things
that he had said to the pilot just the night before. Fighting back the
tears that suddenly threatened to come, Face began to think back to last
night - before "she" had called. The tender moments of passion and the
soft whispers of devotion they had shared, and then came the phone call.
That damn phone call from her!

Thoughts of her turned Face's meditations to anger. Jealously, he
wondered if she satisfied Murdock's needs as wes hes he did. Was she
what the captain really wanted, or was she just a impetuous fling for
him. No, no...he knew that w't r't right. Murdock and Kelly had been
together for over two years, and his love for her had been obvious to all
of them. But he couldn't help but feel a resentment of her intrusion
into their time together now, couldn't help but think that he could be a
companion to and unders Mur Murdock so much better than this young,
inexperienced .
<.

< Fac Face's reflections were interrupted some time later as the bedroom door
opened and Murdock slipped in. He looked at the distraught lieutenant
for a long moment, though his expression was unreadable. Sitting down
next to Face he said, "I'm glad you let me see you, Face, after last
night...I wasn't sure...I didn't handle that whole business too well and
I'm sorry."

Face's residual anger dissipated quickly. "It's okay, Murdock, I'm sorry
too. I shouldn't have blown off the handle at you. It just...I was
hurt."

"I know, I know." He reached over to take Face's hand, loo looked
seriously at the lieutenant. Murdock's brown eyes looked tired and red,
and Face had to fight down the impulse to pull him close, to offer the
comfort he seemed so badly to need. "I never, never wanted to hurt
you. Believe me, that's the last thing I'd ever want to do to you. ...I
called her back last night, after you left. We talked, yelled,
cried...really let loose, all the things we hadn't said to each other
when she broke up with me before. It... needed to be done. I found out
a lot of stuff about what had been botherin' her for so long that she
didn't think she could talk about before. Sometimes in a relationship, I
guess you let the little things grow and fester, until they start to eat
away at the heart of what used to be so right between two people. That's
what had hap happening to us.

"She still wants to see if we can work things out. I'm not sure if the
damage to what we used to have is too great for that to work - whether
we'll just end up repeating the same mistakes, caught up in some endless
circle of misunderstandings. And then, of co, th, there's you. I never
thought we'd have the chance to try things again...but when I saw that
you were thinkin' about it, too, I couldn't help myself...and we felt so
right together...but I can't be sure now if I'm feelin' that way because
I'm just on the rebound, or if its really real, you know? And I know
that that's the one thing I owe you - knowing that my feelings for you
are not just because you're 'second best' in my book. But because you're
really the one I need.

"I thought about it all day. And I've made my decision..." He paused
for an agonizing moment, and Face clenched his hand tighter, not sure
that he wanted to hear the answer. "I've decided I have to break things
off with both you, and Kelly, for a while. I'm sorry, Face, I just...I
need the time to get grounded again. I'm still gettin' used to flyin'
solo from the V.A. I don't...I don't think it's fair to either of you
right now, until I've had time to work things out a little better. You
understand what I'm tryin' to say?"

"Yeah, I understand," Face said quietly. It wasn't exactly what he'd
hoped to hear, but he knew Murdock was right, as much as it hurt. He
wrapped his arm around Murdock, and continued, "I want...whatever's best
for you. I'm not gonna say that it wouldn't hurt me if you decided that
that meant Kelly and not me. But all I really want is for you to be
happy. Because I love you."

"And I ove ove you too, Face, no matter what." Looking at each other,
they finally grabbed each other in a strong hug, laughing away the
tension. "Thanks, for bein' such a good friend, always."

"Yeah, you too. Mmm...uh, Murdock?"

"Mm hmm?"

"I know you said you want some time, and I'll give you that...and B.A.
and Hannibal are supposed to be back in a day or two anyway...but do you
think, maybe...today, before we have to think about anyone and everything
else...?"

"Whatever you want, Face," Murdock answered with a smile. And Face had a
feeling that somehow, down the road, maybe everything would work out all
right after all.

END