Love's Sweet Revenge

They stopped to make camp for the night shortly after dusk, saving the rest of the journey for the following day. They would make their hit on the stronghold the following evening, giving them plenty of time to inspect the area for anything that hadn't been accounted for in their "intelligence" and make sure they had a clear escape route back to the village.

They collected kindling for a fire in a small clearing in the woods. As the blaze grew steady and strong, the two men gathered close to the comfort of the fire's warmth in the slightly chilly air, also using the flames to heat up some food they'd brought along to see them through the next few days. Auto thought Joxer looked wonderful in the warm glow of the firelight and after shedding the bulk of his armor, but he kept the complement to himself. He simply admired his friend in silence and enjoyed the naughty thought of how nice it would be to use Joxer's body to keep him warm, instead of the fire.

Dusk faded to twilight, and conversation was minimal as they ate. Joxer had talked and sung all afternoon until his voice had grown hoarse, so it wasn't surprising he needed to rest it now. Still, Auto could see that Joxer had something on his mind, something he wanted to talk about, but couldn't quite bring himself to mention. The young man had a face that was painfully easy to read; it was something in his too-expressive, dark eyes, his wide mouth that twisted and pouted with each thought that passed through his mind. Joxer never seemed to have learned-as most did when they left childhood for the dangerous world of the adults-how to mask his emotions and thoughts from the world at large.

Auto was ready to try to push and find out was bothering the warrior when Joxer finally spoke up, "Thanks again for letting me come along today, Auto."

"It's no problem, Jox. I'm enjoying the company."

"Yeah, me too." He was nervously playing with the frayed laces on his boots as he queried, "Um... Auto? Can I ask you something?"

"Ask away."

There was a long pause before Joxer finally continued, still keeping his eyes down on his boots, "What do you think about Gabrielle?"

So that's what it was. I should have figured. "She's okay, I guess. A little feisty for my tastes, if you know what I mean."

"Yeah." Joxer nodded his head in understanding, though his mouth twisted into a fond smile. "She really knocks me around sometimes..."

Auto raised an eyebrow and replied, "Well, if that's what turns you on..." and he was more than a tad curious to hear Joxer's response.

Joxer looked up in confusion. "What? Oh..." Even in the soft light of the fire Auto could see Joxer's cheeks turn red as he denied quickly, "Oh, no! No, I mean...well, Gabrielle's got a lot of spirit, that's...that's what I like about her, I guess. She looks so sweet and innocent when you first meet her, but she's..." He got a faraway, dreamy look in his eyes and paused, no doubt picturing the wandering bard in all her spunky, golden-haired and butt-kicking glory... "She's a lot more than that."

"Yeah, she's something all right," Auto agreed without much enthusiasm. Joxer had it worse for Xena's little sidekick than he'd realized. This was a potential problem. Didn't Joxer realize that Xena and Gabby were...well...as close as he was hoping he and Joxer were going to become?

"Autolycus, you're really good with women, right? So you must know a lot about...romance. What do you think I could do...with someone like Gabrielle...I mean...do I even stand a chance? I've tried a lot of different things already, but she only seems to get mad at me every time. So I know I'm doing something wrong, but I don't know what. I even asked Aphrodite for advice, but not even her suggestions worked." He let out a long, defeated sigh. "Maybe she just hates me too much to ever...you know...fall in love with me."

The lovesick look in Joxer's eyes was almost too much for Autolycus to take. The thief thought long and hard on how to best answer, before finally deciding he had to go for the bare and ugly truth-even if it hurt, and hurt bad. "Joxer, it's not you. I seriously doubt she hates you." How could anyone hate you? "I'm sure if things were different...if Gabrielle really knew how you felt, how much you cared about her, she'd jump at the chance to be with someone as good and true of heart as you." Joxer's eyes went wide, and Auto hated having to quickly douse those sparks of hope by adding, "The problem is, she, ah...she's already in love with someone else."

Joxer frowned and looked puzzled. "You mean her husband Perdicas, the one Callisto killed?"

Auto shook his head. "No, I'm talking about someone right now. I mean, I'm sure she still loves him too, but there's someone else. Someone...well, I guess there's no point hiding it...it's Xena."

Lack of comprehension. Then confusion. Then s. Au. Auto watched each state pass over Joxer before the young man exclaimed, "Xena?! You mean...but, how-how do you know?"

"Hey, you're the one who hangs out with them so much. I should've thought you'd have figured it out by now, even if they are pretty quiet about it. I know because Xena took over my body for a while, remember? They must've told you about that one. When Gabrielle went after the Ambrosia to bring Xena back to life?" Joxer nodded dully in remembrance. "Trust me, things got a little...well, I got a pretty intimate look at just how close those two are. And I don't think there's anyone who could ever get between them. I'm...sorry, Jox, to be the one who has to tell you."

Joxer was trying his damnedest to keep himself together, but he was crushed, and it showed. Shaking his head, he sputtered, "I didn't know...but how could I not know, after all this time? How could I not see that?"

"Listen, don't blame yourself for not knowing...I just...well, I figured you deserve to know, if you didn't already."

Joxer was too shocked to really listen to Auto's consolations at this point. Blinking rapidly and angrily wiping tears away, he continued, "But Xena knows how I feel about Gabrielle. Why didn't she say anything? Why wouldn't she tell me? I thought...Gods, they must think I'm an idiot!" Jo's t's trembling voice rose louder and he stood up, turning away from the fire and Autolycus. "I bet they're off together right now having a good laugh over dumb ol' Joxer, can't even see what's going on right under his big nose!"

"Jox, don't do this to yourself." Auto stood up and walked over, hoping to calm him down. "It's not your fault. You're notb. Yb. You're just a man in love, blinded by what he wanted to see. It happens to the best of us."

knowknownst to either of them, Aphrodite was checking in on the progress of her plans at that moment. Listening to the drama unfold, she had to laugh at Auto's completely innocent comment. "You oughtta know about that one, sweetheart," she remarked to herself. "'Blinded by love' indeed..."

Auto tentatively tried to put a reassuring hand on Joxer's shoulder, but the warrior stepped away from him, rejecting the offer of comfort. "Maybe, I just...I, I to to think about this for a while." He paused and let out a long sigh. "I'm gonna...go down by that stream we passed just before making camp, clean up a bit..."

...have a good cry where no one can see you? Auto added silently, understanding completely Joxer needed some time alone to deal with this. But he wished that Joxer would just turn around and cry on his shoulder instead. He could offer whatever support and love Joxer needed right now...but this was too fragile a moment for him to dare suggest it. "Okay, but be careful wandering around by yourself. I'll leave the fire burning 'till you get back."

Joxer merely nodded and noisily stumbled off into the darkness. Auto slumped down by the fire, wishing now that he hadn't said anything. He hated seeing Joxer hurting so badly. But still, the man deserved to know the truth, and if Xena and Gabby were too chicken to tell him about their relationship, someone had to. Wasn't it better he know now, instead of carrying this impossible torch for Gabrielle forever?

Selfishly, Auto also worried how this would affect his own plans for Joxer. True, it might actually help them, for Joxer might have refused any advances from anyone if he was trying to save himself for Gabby. And by being the close, supportive friend through all this, Auto might just be able to work his way into Joxer's heart even faster. But would Joxer feel so burned right now that he wouldn't be able to get past his heartache?

One way or another, it was a mess. Auto knew he'd just have to play it carefully and by ear, and simply hope for the best.

Aphrodite sighed and shook her head. Briefly she debated giving Auto a "helping" hand and putting a similar lust spell over Joxer to get rid of the Gabrielle factor, but then she dismissed the idea quickly. She was enjoying making Auto work at this, knowing the eventual payoff would be worth it. "Come on, King of Thieves, show me you can steal an unsuspecting mortal's heart instead of just my valuables." Then she disappeared, calling it a night. Without sufficient beauty sleep, she wouldn't look properly divine tomorrow.

He busied himself for a while checking through his small bag of tools, checking the condition of his picks, sharpening the blade of his pocketknife...anything to distract him from worrying overly about Joxer. The fire was burning down low and Auto was starting to grow concerned about Joxer's safety when he finally heard the young man approaching the camp again. His hair was wet and dripping moisture down his weary face, instead of standing up at all the impossible angles it usually did. His eyes were red and betrayed the pain he no doubt was still feeling...but he looked as if he was going to pull through and not fall completely apart after all. Maybe Auto's revelation hadn't been completely unexpected; maybe Joxer had just needed to hear someone say what he'd feared to believe. Auto felt proud for Joxer's strength in a moment such as this and only wanted him more than ever.

"You okay?" he asked gently.

Joxer nodded. "Yeah. Not great, but better than before. Sorry 'bout earlier."

"Don't be, just forget about it. C'mon, we'd better get some rest. Tomorrow's gonna be a long day."

He tossed Joxer a spare blanket he'd "acquired" before leaving Arta and the two men prepared for sleep. Joxer laid his blanket not far from Auto's side (though not as close as Auto would have liked) and settled himself down for the night. Auto doused out the last embers of the fire and lay down as well, staring up at the night canopy of stars in the darkened sky, as if searching them for an answer.

Out of nowhere, a bright streak passed quickly far overhead. Joxer must have been doing the same, watching the skies, because he whispered in an excited tone, "Auto, did you see that? What was it?"

"A shooting star, I think-the Gods must be playing games in the Heavens tonight," Auto mused. "I've heard that if you say a prayer when you see one, whatever you pray for will come true."

"Wow, really?"

"Yeah-just kyouryour prayer to yourself. They cancel the deal if you tell anyone what it was you prayed for."

"Oh, okay. Thanks...Oh, and good night, Auto."

"'Night, Jox..." Auto trailed off, saying his prayer silently, hope blossoming that the star was indeed an omen of success for his plans...

* * * * *

So far, everything was going exactly as planned.

"Stealth, Joxer. Stealth is the key to a successful burglary," Autolycus whispered under his breath.

"Stealth," Joxer echoed reverently, as if the secret of the universe had just been revealed to him. "Stealth..."

Unfortunately, the accident-prone warrior's coordination-or rather, lack thereof-made the application of this little tidbit of knowledge trickier than for most. Lurking along behind Autolycus through the dimly illuminated, empty corridors of the warlord's stronghold, Joxer missed the slight bump in the carpet underfoot and tripped, landing face down on the floor with a breathless "Ooooomph!"

No matter how many time had had the wind knocked out of him in such a fashion (and it was nearly a daily event) it still left him incapacitated for a few oxygen-deprived moments. He was afraid Autolycus was going to yell at him, or at least give him a good nosetwist as Gabrielle would for being so clumsy. Instead the master thief actually helped him back to his feet, while glancing furtively around to make sure the thud had gone unnoticed.

"Sorry..." gasp! "...Auto," Joxer squeaked out in apology.

"Just try to be more careful next time," Auto warned, though there was little malice in his voice-he even seemed to be grinning a little, for Zeus' sake!

Joxer nodded and accepted the friendly pat on the back, wondering what on Earth was with the King of Thieves. The past two days, he'd been downright... pleasant to Joxer, which was not something the self-proclaimed mighty warrior was used to. From anybody. And he had to admit it felt awfully...nice.

For instance, when they'd taken out the guards at the back of the castle, and Auto had needed to dislodge Joxer from the tree into which the first guard had tossed him. Auto hadn't complained, or given him one of those rolled-eyes, disgusted looks that Xena and Gabby always would.

Or when they'd snuck through the kitchen to get to the back corridors of the castle, and Joxer had quite loudly (and painfully) hit his head on a large saute pan hanging from the ceiling. Auto hadn't told him to stay back there with a warning along the lines of "Don't get in any trouble"-the warning he was used to hearing in situations like this one.

It had been that way for practically the whole trip, and it was very disconcerting to someone used to being...underappreciated...for the many skills and the bravery he (pretended to) posses.

Joxer decided he really liked working with Autolycus. He was right in his estimation that they'd simply gotten off on the wrong foot a few months back when they first met, when they'd had to stop Jett from assassinating Cleopatra. Sure, robbery wasn't as noble or impressive a trade as being a warrior, but maybe it was time for a career change. Maybe this could be his true calling, since Autolycus seemed so willing to work with him and tutor him in all the tricks of the trade. Maybe...

Maybe I should stop daydreaming and figure out why Autolycus has disappeared.

Joxer stopped, glanced around in confusion at the branch in the corridor right ahead of him and gulped in fear. He couldn't see anything but the few torches along the dark walls in either direction. He hadn't been paying attention, lost in his thoughts and staring down at the rug to avoid tripping again, and Auto had gotten ahead of him. Now he had no idea which way he was supposed to go.

Another brilliant move, Joxer.

He gulped nervously again and tried to figure out what he should do. It was hard to concentrate, though, because before they'd left the village Auto had selected some special new clothes for Joxer, to wear when they attacked the stronghold, and the tight black leather pants still felt mighty uncomfortable. He could understand the need for dark attire for a mission such as this, but skintight leather? Seemed like overkill, and besides that the trousers were binding him in places that were rather more than a tad painfull...

"Hey!" a voice behind him called. Joxer nearly jumped out of his skin-and his pants, if they hadn't been so tight. He spun around and saw a mean-looking, big, ugly guard with an even meaner-looking sword in hands walking quickly down the hallway towards him. "What're you doing here?"

"Uh..." Joxer stalled, trying to come up with a believable excuse. "I'm here to steal from your boss" just didn't seem like the type of explanation that would keep that sword from finding a resting place in his chest in the next ten seconds. "...New security protocols. Just making sure everything is in order and that you men are doing your job while Thrakkus is away," he babbled, trying to make his babble sound authoritative.

"What new security protocols? I wasn't informed of anything," the guard grumbled. As he drew closer, he squinted and asked, sword pointed directly at Joxer's throat, "And who exactly are you? I ain't never seen you before."

"That's because...I'm..." Joxer stood tall, trying to act as if the blade wasn't about to scare him into wetting his brand new pants, "...a secret agent. No one except...'the boss' is supposed to know I'm here."

"Yeah, sure." The guard wasn't buying it, which didn't surprise Joxer, considering how lame his words had sounded even to him. "If that's the case you can tell it to Thrakkus himself when 'e gets back. Until then, yer gonna stay put in the dungeon. C'mon."

The guard urged Joxer to start walking, back in the direction he'd originally come from. The guard was marching close behind him, the tip of his sword pressing against Joxer's back. It was taking all the warrior's self control not to pass out in fear.

Therefore he did not realize that Autolycus was sneaking uhindhind the both of them until he heard a loud "Ungh!", then a thud, and saw the guard crash to the ground. Spinning around, he found Auto standing there, a large vase in his hands. The guard's head had apparently collided with it.

"That had to hurt. Oh well." Auto shrugged.

Joxer smiled feebly, letting out a deep sigh of relief. Auto simply said, "Thanks for distracting the guard-I got the jewels, so let's get outta here."

"Uh...sure...you know me, master of distraction," Joxer muttered, almost able to convince himself that it had been a plan, not simply his bumbling incompetence. He said a quick prayer of thanks to his favorite Gods for once again saving his ass, and the pair made a quick and remarkably unaccosted exit from the castle.

As they left, Joxer thought to himself, Maybe this thieving business wasn't so hard after all...

* * * * *