Divided Loyalties

Part 5

This time, she awakened alone at approximately 0900, just in time for her duty shift at 0930. She turned over in bed and discovered a note on the pillow next to hers...then picked it up and read it, smiling as she did so.

Christine...
Thank you for a most enjoyable night. I will see you Friday evening
when I am off-shift.

Spock

She relived the second time as she showered and washed her hair, shivering and tingling all over again as she thought of how Spock's lips and hands had felt, intimately kissing and caressing her, particularly when he had licked and sucked her breasts, then kissed his way down her body to part her legs and do the same there.
Once she'd come down to earth, she did the same to him, then they had fallen asleep, pleasantly exhausted and aching all over. If he wanted her again Friday, she wasn't sure if she'd be up to it--at least not more than once. Now she remembered the main reason why they didn't make love twice in one night very often. One time usually exhausted her; two usually left her not only exhausted but aching from the intense passions they had shared, particularly at times like that. Best of all, however, was the fact that they would also make him too tired for his other lover...
She was so happy, in fact, that she wasn't sure if she could keep it hidden, especially not around Kirk--because he would know why she was acting as she was. Maybe it was time for her to get together with Nyota again, since she had plenty to discuss with her friend, particularly regarding Spock and their latest rendezvous. Perhaps she would even write Amanda, his mother, about it and see if she believed it to be a good omen or not.
One can but imagine how Kirk felt that evening when he got together with Spock to find out how things had gone with Christine. Ordinarily he didn't care to hear about it, but something told him he'd better ask this time, if he knew what was goor hor him. If Christine decided to turn up the heat, things could get very sticky for him...in more ways than one. He decided to ask after Spock had crossed fingers with him, then the pair had exchanged their customary kiss of greeting.
"Well, how did your time with Christine go? Did you manage to get her calmed down?" They went to sit on Kirk's bed next to each other, and the Captain reached to hold his bondmate's hand.
Spock knew what this inevitably presaged, and knew he didn't feel up to it. He had no idea there could be two such highly-sexed Humans, for even he--highly-sexed himself--had his share of problems keeping them both satisfied. "Quite well," he made himself say. "And yes, I believe I have 'calmed her down,' as you put it...at least for the moment."
"Do you intend to see her Friday?" Kirk asked, dreading the answer. If
he was right in his suspicions, Spock wouldn't be up to making love with him tonight. Probably the best he could expect was to hold Spock in his arms as he slept after a good-night kiss. Damn her, Kirk thought with anger and hurt. She's been more trouble than she's worth--at least to me. I wouldn't put anything pher her if it meant keeping Spock away from me!
"I have promised to do so," the Vulcan informed his companion with a touch of regret, if not apology, when he felt his bondmate's anger and pain. "I am sorry, Jim, but I will not be able to join with you tonight. Please do not be angry with me."
Kirk brought Spock's hand up to kiss it. "I'm not angry with you, Spock. I could never be angry with you for long. I love you too much." Kirk sighed. "But that doesn't mean I have to like the idea of not being able to make love to you tonight. If this keeps up, I may not be able to make love to you for days on end because you're too tired from your times with Christine." His pain and anger increased.
"For giving you children. Yes, I know, but I'm your bondmate. I should be the one to give you children!"
"I know, and I truly wish you could, Jim...but I just cannot take the risk of your life the procedure would involve. I could not--live with myself if any- thing happened to you, if I consented to your wishes, then something went wrong. Please try to under- stand. I could not bear to lose you. Besides, I am sure that Christine would be glad--or at least willing--to share our child with you." Spock spoke as reassuringly as possible.
"It wouldn't be the same." Kirk shook his head sadly. "It wouldn't be our child, yours and mine."
"But it would still be my child," Spock insisted. "That is what should matter most."
"You won't even consider a surrogate mother carrying our child?" Kirk's voice almost broke.
"Jim..." Spock's voice was laced with equal pain. "I--know how much this means to you, but as you say, it would not be the same...and I cannot risk losing you in the other procedure, not even for the chance of our having a child. It would not be--worth having a child of yours if I...lost you in the process. You, Christine and our child are more precious to me than life itself. Our being together is what means--the most to me. Not a potential child of yours or even our...physical joinings, but you, yourself, and my wife and child." Spock squeezed his partner's hands. "Do you understand?"
Kirk forced back tears. "I suppose I can't argue with that, though it's not going to make it hurt any less to see your and Christine's child when the time comes, then wish with all my being that it was mine."
Spock released his bondmate's hands and pulled him into his arms, resting his sandy head on his own broad shoulder, stroking his hair soothingly for a time until he maneuvered the two of them so they were lying down in each other's arms. A short time later, just before falling asleep and after having undressed, Spock turned on his left side, thus allowing Kirk to press himself close to his partner's body, feel himself between his buttocks while holding him from behind, resting his head on the Vulcan's back before falling asleep himself.

Part 6

Christine had intended to contact Uhura after she was off-shift, but got the chance sooner than she expected after learning that Nyota was due for a physical this particular day. Once McCoy was in his office, dictating his Medical Log, she approached her friend as the latter was getting ready to leave.
"Ny, can I talk to you for a second?"
Uhura turned around and smiled upon noticing Christine. "Of course, Chris. What's on your mind?"
"The usual--and it's been a while since we've sat down and talked, so I thought we should make a date to get together."
"Spock, I take it," the Bantu answered with a knowing smile. "By the way, just how are things going between you two?"
Christine nodded in response, forcing herself not to blush. "I'll tell you tomorrow. There's too much to go into h" "
"Fair enough. Your quarters or mine?"
"I think it had better be yours, just to be on the safe side. The last thing I need is Spock walking in on us in the middle of our conversation about him."
At the same time, Uhura sensed that Spock wasn't the only thing Chris wanted to talk about, considering that she was one of the few who knew the true nature
of the relationship between the Captain and First Officer besides Christine and McCoy...
as well as the "arrangement" between Spock and Christine.
"Is the Captain causing trouble?"
Christine made a frantic cutting motion across her throat. "As I said, I'll tell you everything tomorrow."
Uhura sighed. "Okay, when?"
"Once we're off-shift," Christine replied. "How about meeting for dinner or something, then going to your quarters from there?"
"How about picking up our meals on the way to my quarters instead?" Uhura suggested. "Especially since I get the impression that it's going to take a while for you to get the whole story out."
"All right, fine. See you at 1600." The Bantu couldn't help noticing how Chris kept stealing furtive glances out of the corner of her eye at the open door of McCoy's office and decided to keep further questions to herself for the moment, if only to make Chris feel better. McCoy had a talent for overhearing things that they didn't think he could possibly have heard, so it didn't make sense to give him any more opportunity than he already had. With a smile and nod, Uhura left and Christine went back to work.

**********

Christine got off at 1600 on this day, too, deciding to make the most of the three hours she had left to her before Spock was due to arrive--unless he cancelled out at the last minute, as he had been wont to do up until a few days ago. As someone with a mutual love for the Vulcan, she could understand Kirk's wanting to be with him, but his rights ended where hers began.
Since her marriage to Spock, the relationship between her and the Captain had been one of mixed animosity and envy, but with time it had settled down into an armed truce. She disliked sharing Spock as much as Kirk did, but could obviously live with it more easily than he could...the main reason being that she had had over twenty years of experience: unwanted but nonetheless valuable experience. For one reason or another, it seemed harder on him than on her, and she had empathy enough to know and understand why.
If she could sacrifice her turns, was it so much to ask of Kirk to do the same? Especially since he had had sole claim to Spock up to four months ago, when she'd agreed to marry and have children with him. But she sensed that she was no longer simply a brood-mare to him, but truly a wife, and could only hthatthat this most desirable state of affairs would continue. Meanwhile, it was time for her to prepare for Spock's arrival--then write a stargram to Amanda.

**********

Her buzzer sounded just as she was sending the finished stargram; she called out, "Come," smiling when she saw Spock step in. He wore one of his favorite Vulcan robes and was carrying his Vulcan harp.
"It's good to see you, Spock, but I'd expected you to call and cancel after our last rendezvous so that you could make it up to the Captain or something."
"I intend to, Christine...but meanwhile, I plan to make amends to you first. You have endured much because of my weakness." He stood expectantly at the doorway of the sleeping alcove. "I will endeavor not to be so--deficient after this," he promised, sincere as always, but still unsure he would be able to keep it.
"I know, but whatever happens, I'm grateful for whatever time we can spend together. Go ahead and get settled; I'll be right there," she called from her computer.
"Whom were you contacting?" he inquired.
"I sent a stargram to your mother," she told him upon joining him in the bedroom and sitting beside him on the foot of the bed. "You said I could write her if I wanted to," she amended at his raised eyebrow. "It was mainly 'girl talk'," she explained. "I don't think you'd be interested, but I'll share it with you if you like."
"It is all right, Christine; that is not necessary," he assured her. "You have a right to your privacy."
"Even when your mother is involved?" she threw back.
"Even when my mother is involved," the Vulcan confirmed.
"Which reminds me...has she told you how she regards the Captain and myself?" Christine asked. "I've been wrg heg her since we've been married, but never thought to ask."
"She has met Jim, as you know," Spock reminded her. "As far as I am aware, they get along very well. I would think, however, that you could surmise that for yourself. I doubt she would correspond with you if she did not find you likeable," Spock observed as he tuned his harp, then began to play.
"I'd like to think so, but can't help wondering if she's simply being polite to me for your sake, since I'm married to you anrryirrying her first grandchild. It is possible; even you have to admit that," Christine challenged.
"Perhaps--but I have never known Mother to be insincere, so until and unless she indicates otherwise, I would assume that she likes you," Spock returned reassuringly.
"But she likes the Captain better," Christine finished.
"I did not say that. In addition, she has not officially met you yet...but once that occurs, I am sure she will like you even more. I have also decided that at the earliest opportunity after our child is born, we shall go to Vulcan so you can officially meet my parents--and we can introduce them to their grandchild. Does that meet with your approval?"
"That's great...but do they know about this?" she wondered.
"Of course," he assured her. "In fact, that is one reason Mother began corresponding with you. If you recall, you heard from her first, shortly after our marriage and learning of your pregnancy."
"That's right, I did," Christine replied incredulously upon realizing that Spock was right.
"In which case, I do not believe there is any reason for you to be concerned about how she regards you. As for Jim, why do you not ask Mother directly how she regards him?"
"You mean she never told you?"
"She told me--but I believe you would prefer to hear it from her," he remarked enigmatically.
"What has she said to you about me, if anything?" she inquired.
“She told me that she believes I have chosen well and that based upon what she has learned of you, we should be very happy together."
"Well, that certainly eases my mind," Christine declared gratefully. "But as you say, I need to hear it from her before I can be completely sure." She sighed. "How- ever, she's known the Captain almost as long as you have."
"Agreed. Approximately 19.2 Standard years, whereas I have known Jim for almost 24 Standard years," Spock reminded her. "You may recall that they first met when my parents came aboard the Enterprise for the Babel Conference concerning the Coridan planets on stardate 3842.3."
Christine nodded. "I remember...but at the time, there was no chance for us to get properly acquainted, since Leonard and I were too wrapped up in trying to save your father."
Spock couldn't help but recall the conspiracy he had inadvertently forced friefriends into by backing out at the last minute from his offer to donate blood to his father for his heart operation. It had not been fair to have left McCoy in the lurch with no way to help Sarek, not to mention foolhardy to risk estrangement from his mother because of his refusal to help save his father's life by giving him blood.
He had claimed it his his duty to do what he had done, but in reality he could not see poe point in helping the father who had done little other than disapprove of and chastise him, not seeming to want to make any effort whatso- ever to even try to understand his half-Human son, much less accept him as he was. Why could Sarek not see that he was penalizing Spock for something that he couldn't change, something he had no control over--in essence, punishing him for not being something he had never been and never could be...fully Vulcan?
Jim, on the other hand, had at least tried to understand him, never pressing him to do or be any more than what he was. Indeed, he had accepted Spock for what he was, both Vulcan and Human, unconditionally--as did Christine and McCoy, although the Vulcan didn't figure this out until much later.


Kirk's unconditional, persistent and undemanding affection had broken down Spock's emotional barriers with the ease and effectiveness of a phaser set on "heavy stun", its sun-like warmth having melted the ice around Spock's heart to such an extent that Kirk was able to "get under his skin" like no other Human ever had, either before or since, with the possible exceptions of Christine ...and perhaps McCoy. Not even his mother could claim such closeness with him now.
It was shortly after that they had begun their personal, romantic relationship after each had confessed their love for eacher. er. It had taken considerably longer for Christine to get through to him, mainly due to T'Pring's treachery--but over the years, Spock had learned to care very much for Christine. Maybe not like he did Jim, but enough to know that he would never have married anyone else or wanted anyone else as the mother of his children, even though Jim was technically his bondmate.
The Vulcan seriously doubted that he could ever have chosen between them. Both complemented him so well, and in fact were now literally part of him because of his mental and emotional bonds with them. But McCoy was also a good friend...a close friend. Despite their arguments and disagreements, they shared a deep yet unspoken emotional bond as well--and deep down, Spock knew that if he ever needed McCoy, as a friend or otherwise, the Doctor would be there for him, no questions asked.
Spock treasured each and every one of the Humans closest to him, trying his utmost
...o lea least his utmost, within the limits of his Vulcan sensibilities ...to let them know how much he cared for them all. His mother, too, at every opportunity, since he saw her so seldom because of his extended estrangement from his father.
Christine's touch brought him back to reality. "Spock, are you all right? You looked like you were a million light-years away."
"I am sorry, my wife. I--became lost in thought," he apologized.
"I'm not holding it against you, beloved," she assured him. "Heaven knows it's happened to me often enough." She sighed, then moved closer to him, reaching to stroke the back of his neck before kissing him with tender passion. "Now, let's move on to bigger and better things," she whispered against his lips.
He moved to embrace her after setting the harp aside, his arms tightening as the kiss deepened. They finally lay side-by-side on the bed, having totally forgotten their original plans for the evening...such as Spock's playing his Vulcan harp for Christine to help her sleep during her pregnancy.
However, she didn't seem to need it yet, although she felt sure she definitely would at some point--but for the moment all that mattered was the fact of her nearness: the warm, sweet-smelling softness of her, her silky skin, her equally silky hair which he enjoyed burying his face in...not to mention the taste of her lips and her voice whispering to him of her love and passion for him, both in his ears and his mind.
At this point, not even Kirk could have distracted him--and though Chris- tine knew as well as she knew her own name that that state of affairs was temporary at best, she vowed to enjoy every moment of it for however long it lasted, just as she relished the fact that it was indeed possible for her to affect Spock like this, even if it was only for a brief time.
Indeed, the fact that she was able to do it at all said much for the woman's tenacity, unshakable loyalty and steadfast devotion, even in the face of the biggest emotional trauma of her life. A trauma she had not only risen above, but learned to benefit from, despite all odds...and intended to keep it that way, for now and all time.


Part 7

Of course, all good things must come to an end...if only a temporary one, at least for Kirk. In Christine's case, there was more of a potential danger of its becoming permanent. It started when Christine got off-duty the next day and was going to the Officers' Mess for a meal.
She and Spock had had a heated disagreement upon awakening after their lovemaking, and she still hadn't quite cooled off from that. Neither did it help her mood to see Kirk eating with McCoy only two tables away from her--which was, unfortunately, the only available table in the entire large room.
Both greeted her pleasantly and asked how she was; she smiled absently and went back to her meal after assuring them that she was feeling much better since she no longer had to worry about morning sickness because she had reached her fourth month of pregnancy.
It was possible that her pregnancy-induced mood swings had something to do with the argument between herself and her husband the night before, but it was just as likely that it was the subject of their argu- ment...which was what they usually argued about: Kirk.

"Who does he think he is, horning in on my time with you? I take enough off him as it is--and you don't help, not lifting a finger to stop him," she snapped, too angry and hurt to stop herself as she ordinarily would, but thoroughly sick of being treated like a second-class citizen by the one man she loved most...over another man!
"Christine, I am given to understand that that was not deliberate--and Jim apologized to me for interfering," Spock informed her.
She almost snorted. "Well, bully for him! But let me tell you something, Mister. He never apologized to me." She sighed. "But then, what should I have expected but that you would defend him? No matter what he does or says, you back him...even against me. In fact, I wouldn't put it past you to threaten to take our child and have me transferred out, then give it to him since he wants children and you won't allow him to risk himself."
She almost sneered. "Heaven forbid you risk his life, of course--but it's perfectly all right to put my life in jeopardy. A mere wife is expendable, you know, easily replaceable with one of the many fools aboard ship willing to be your brood-mare. And to think so many envy me, always saying how 'lucky' I am. Sometimes it's hard not to reply, 'If you only knew!'"
Spock wasn't easily angered, but she was hitting a little too close to home for his comfort, not to mention reading him just a little too accurately. "Are you accusing him of doing it deliberately?" the Vulcan shot back.
"Didn't he?" she retorted. "I don't put anything past him where you're concerned--and I do mean anythin

"Christine..." Spock returned, his tone a warning.
"Oh, yes. Heaven forbid I ever criticize such a paragon of virtue! After all, we both know that James Kirk can walk on water." Her voice was thick with sarcasm. "Or at least you think so--and your word is law, even if it's one hundred percent wrong."
Part of Spock could understand her bitterness, considering all she had been asked to endure for his sake...but another was outraged that anyone, even his wife, would dare to criticize the one he loved so much, someone who had made him so happy, ended his lifelong loneliness and given him a sense of belonging. Perhaps he did indeed "have blinders on" where Jim was concerned--tended to see only what he wished to see, as she had once accused him of doing. Perhaps "love was blind," as the Human saying went...but surely she couldn't be correct about everything.
If it turned out that she was, he would never hear the end of it. He also hoped that Jim would never learn of his even momentary breach of loyalty and faith; if he did, he would never forgive him. Jim might even wish to terminate their bonding, and that would finish him for all time--both physically and emotionally. He would lose all the love and devotion Jim had given him through the years, not to mention the contentment and security of their long-standing bond.
He would also be in danger of dying in the pon farr if he didn't choose to deepen his bond with Christine as he had once intimated he would if something happened to Jim...provided he survived the initial severing of their bond. Generally, the longer and deeper the bond, the more traumatic it was if or when it ended, for whatever reason. Often the pain of severance took years to rer frr from--if, indeed, the one left behind ever did, because of the fact that in a long-term bonding, the partners' minds and hearts were so closely intertwined.
Still, when all was said and done, Spock knew that Christine would be able to handle a deepening of their bond to the extent that she would be the one to experience the pon farr...the question was, would she be willing to do so when the time came? Provided he was in any shape emotionally at the time to endure another full bonding. Truly, how much could he logically expect even Christine to endure in order to be his wife and bear him children?
Most wives of Vulcans were also their bondmates, unlike himself and Christine. Yes, they had a bond, but it was an incomplete one--hardly the caliber of the one ben hin himself and Jim--one deep enough to enable the Vulcan's mate to sense and endure pon farr when it came. At best, the bond between himself and Christine was empathic, not both that and telepathic, as in a complete bond, where the pair could not only "speak" mentally to each other but sense the other's pain and/or emotions.
ll, ll, it was not logical for him to alienate either of those who held (or might potentially hold) his life in their hands...but if he went for one, he risked losing the other. Either way, he lost. Why had he ever allowed himself to sustain two romantic relationships, two bondings--even if one was incomplete?
Was it even possible for him to maintain two romantic relationships any longer if either of them was unhappy with the arrangement...especially if one was making accusations against the other? How long could he logically expect to be able to "play one against the other" and not find himself caught between the proverbial rock and a hard place? There was an old Terran saying he had once heard: "If you try to please everyone, you end up pleasing no one. It's best to please yourself."
He had once believed he had been doing the latter, but it had really been the former all along. What was he to do? He didn't want to lose either his bondmate or the mother of his child because of his emotional ineptitude. Perhaps his mother could suggest something...

**********

Christine made herself concentrate on her meal and the upcoming talk with Nyota in an effort to forget how close her rival and antagonist was to her. Only Leonard's presence made it anywhere near bearable. She was about halfway through when he joined her.
"You okay, Chris?"
Christine nodded. "Just had a disagreement with Spock last night. Still not quite over it." She looked around, and to her surprise and relief, Kirk was nowhere to be seen. The Doctor noticed her action and reassured her.
"Jim left a few minutes ago. I think he sensed how uncomfortable you were in his presence and thought he'd better make himself scarce." McCoy sighed and continued. "Of course, he's just as uncomfortable around you," he reminded her. "By the way, what did you and Spock argue about?" the Doctor asked carefully, knowing what a touchy subject that could be.
The female Doctor sighed. "Oh, the usual," she to bac back casually.
"Care to talk about it?" the Chief Surgeon gently pressed.
"Thanks for your concern, Leonard, but I'm getting together later on this evening with Nyota. I'll get it all off my chest then, I'm sure."
McCoy sighed again. "If you say so, but just in case you don't, my door's always open."
"Thanks, Leonard. I'll keep that in mind," Christine assured him. "Now, don't you have some more paperwork for the upcoming physicals to catch up on?”
"Now that you mention it, I do," the older Doctor agreed, aware that Chris was trying to politely get of hof him so she could think clearly, without distractions, as well as finish her meal. "See you later," McCoy said as he stood up and patted her shoulder. "Take care, now."
She smiled reassuringly at him, then he departed, leaving her to her own thoughts and the completion of her meal.


Part 8

She met Uhura as soon as the latter got off-shift, making sure neither Kirk nor Spock was anywhere around as the two women got meals to take to the Communications Officer's quarters. Still, Christine was silent and uncommunicative around other crewmembers...and Uhura knew why, but told herself to remain silent until they got to her quarters.
No doubt Chris would open up once behind closed doors--though she knew how much the bizarre situation her friend was being forced to endure was upsetting her...and undue stress would harm her unborn child. It was her duty as a friend to relieve that stress to the best of her ability--or at least as much as possible.
Upon arrival at Uhura's quarters, they set up trays and placed the meals on them, sitting on Uhura's bed to eat, listening to some soothing instrumental music in an attempt to calm and relax Christine. Perhaps she would also play her Vulcan harp and sing for her...provided Chris cared to be reminded of Spock at this point in time.
The Bantu knew how happy Chris was to be carrying Spock's child, and that despite everything the Vulcan was putting her through, they had shared some happy, pleasant times together. It was just that at this time, she could sense that Chris was upset about Spock, and Uhura was sure she could guess the nature of what her friend was upset about. Uhura nonetheless kept quiet until they had finished their meals, then set the trays aside and the dark woman turned to face Christine.
"Okay, Chris, I know you've got plenty on your mind, simply from the way you've been acting, so I'd say it's about time you got it all out in the open."
Christine gave her companion a long, level look before sighing and beginning to speak. "I thought Spock was the only telepath on this ship," she returned dryly.
"I don't need to be a telepath to know you're upset...and I'll bet credits to navy beans that it's about Spock. Now, out with it." Uhura dared her friend to deny it.
Christine didn't, though it wasn't easy for her to begin, since she had kept it inside for so long. "When isn't it?" she threw back bitterly. "But now, it's worse than it ever was. Before, I only had to worry about getting Spock's attention. Now I have to worry about sharing him, not to mention losing my child--and my job--if I complain too much.
"The one thing I most need to discuss with Spock, I can't, because he won't listen to anything negative about the Captain. What's worse, he believes whatever the Captain tells him, whether it's true or not. Spock seems to think him incapable of lying or ulterior motives...and even though I know he is, it wouldn't do any good to say anything because the Captain is clever enough to twist things around to make me seem like the villain.
"Still, I can't help thinking that one of these days, not even James Kirk's silver tongue is going to bail him out. But how to maintain my sanity until then..." Christine's voice trailed off. "I always considered myself such a strong person, but I guess that doesn't apply here. Certainly not to me--at least not where Spock is concerned."
Christine bowed her head, eyes cng ing in pain. "I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to handle this. I can take a lot, but even I have my limits,"
she lamented. "Nyota, how could I ever have been fool enough to agree to Spock's proposition?"
"You love him," the Bantu pointed out.
"And I suppose that excuses boneheaded foolishness," Christine countered. "I wanted to be his wife and have his children, so when he claimed to care for me and asked me to give him a chance to prove himself, I did...and look what I've got to show for it."
"You have a husband and child," Uhura returned gently. "And a happy marriage--at least to all outward appearances."
"A part-time husband, a marriage of convenience...and a child who's going to grow up with a part-time father at best. Can you imagine what our child's reaction is going to be when he or she finds out about Spock's double life? I don't look forward to having to try to explain it, that's for sure. I mean, who would ever believe there was any such thing as a bisexual Vulcan?"
"Maybe that was part of the reason Vulcans so rarely marry non-Vulcans, particularly Humans. There's always the danger of the hybrid offspring being 'AC-DC'," Uhura remarked. "But that doesn't make you any less a woman, Chris. Surely you know that."
"Doesn't it?" she threw back. "All I'm good for to Spock is having children. You don't need to be married to have children. For all the good this marriage is doing me, I might as well be on the other side of the Galaxy."
"Which reminds me--have you heard from Spock's mother yet?" Uhura wondered.
"Oh, yes. Just got her latest stargram yesterday, in fact. That's what started us arguing, come to think of it. She was telling me about highlighly she regards both the Captain and myself...how good we both are for Spock and how well we complement him, both publicly and privately.
"Then Spock mentioned how the Captain had apologized to him for interfer- ing with us, and that it hadn't been deliberate. That was all it took. The next thing I knew, we were fighting." Her voice almost broke. "Damn it, Ny, I don't like to fight with Spock. I don't want to fight with him--but when he can't see what's going on right in front of his nose..." Christine broke off, ready to burst into tears.
"Simply because he chooses to ignore, disregard or just plain not see it, doesn't mean it's not happening. What's it going to take for him to see the truth?" She sighed, wiped her eyes and continued. "Amanda said that all I could do was hang in there, continue as I've been doing, because Spock wasn't going to change, and that even though she personally preferred that Spock have a female bondmate, she wants him happy, and if the present arrangement makes him happy, so be it."
Christine's lips twisted. "It's easy for her to say; she isn't married to a man who's in love with another man and who only married her to have children for him. Also, how long is he going to stay 'happy', caught between a bondmate and wife who barely tolerate each other?" Christine's anger and hurt showed in her voice. "I really should ask her that, you know?"
Uhura frowned and shook her head. "Probably wouldn't change anything, Chris--and might alienate both Spock and his mother. You don't need that. It's playing right into the Captain's hands."
The other woman sighed and resumed speaking. "Come to think of it, even if you showed Spock documented proof of what the Captain's doing, he wouldn't believe you any more than he does me. And sooner or later, he's going to tell Leonard where to go...
so where will that leave me? In fact, it may lead to an all-out confrontation--which I would probably lose, at least in one very important sense. I swear, if I don't end up a basket case, it won't be for lack of provocation!"
"I wish I knew how to help you, Chris," Uhura returned sympathetically. "You're in the ultimate no-win situation, one which makes the Kobiyashi Maru look like child's play. It'll truly be a miracle if you come through this with your sanity, much less your marriage, intact."
"You've helped a lot simply by being willing to listen," Christine assured her. "Thank God I have you and Leonard as sounding boards!"
The two women embraced. "That's what friends are for."
A short time later, Christine left, a great weight having been lifted from her shoulders and heart...at least for the time being. Too bad it couldn't make sleeping alone, both on the alternate (and certain non-alternate) nights, any less lonely, empty and painful.


Part 9

And things didn't get any better. In fact, they got worse--until one day, Christine collapsed on her way to Sickbay for her shift. It happened suddenly; one moment she was on her feet, the next, she was lying on a Sickbay bed, looking up into McCoy's worried face.
"Leonard...what happened?" she whispered.
"Chekov found you passed out in a Deck Five corridor and brought you here," the Doctor explained. "How have you been feeling lately?"
"A little more tired than usual," Christine confessed.
"Have you been bleeding at all?" McCoy wondered, knowing she was almost as good at hiding physical distress as her husband.
"Some. Why?"
"How much?" McCoy persisted, giving her a hard look.
"Like I was having my period," she finally reluctantly admitted.
"And you didn't think to report it to me?" The Doctor sounded like a teacher scolding a negligent student.
"Had too much on my mind," she mumbled.
"I can understand that, Chris, but blng ing is serious, particularly when you're pregnant--especially in the case of a pregnancy such as yours, as well as in the amount you've been losing. How long has it been going on?"
"Almost a week now," she told him.
"The same amount every day?"
"I assume," she hedged.
"Then you wonder why you're tired," McCoy scolded. "According to the medi-comps, you've lost nearly two pints. In fact, you're lucky you haven'tt tht the baby."
Christine closed her eyes in pain. "Have you notified Spock yet?" Not that I think he'd come...and if he did, he'd come for our child's sake, not mine. Her eyes filled with tears which burned her eyelids and threatened to overflow down her cheeks. Provided he even believed there was anything really wrong with me. As far as that goes, the Captain probably told him I was faking illness or something.
"I needed to give you a transfusion first. You've lost a lot of blood, and only now have your readings gotten back up to anywhere near normal. In fact, I think I'll keep you here for a few days of observation."
She gave him a hard look this time.
"No arguments, Chris. This is for your own good. Don't worry, your baby is all right now, though it was touch-and-go for a while. And I'll get in touch with Spock as soon as I'm satisfied you're both out of danger."
"Why did I--bleed so much?" she asked, yawning deeply.
"As far as I can tell, part of the placenta tore away from the uterine wall. I fixed it, so it shouldn't happen again...but as I said, I'm keeping you here for a few days to make sure it doesn't--and even when I release you, I'm keeping you on light duty for at least the rest of the week. But you know what caused it, I think...or should I say, what helped cause it? The stress you're under has got to stop, or else you'll lose the baby for sure and I won't be able to prevent it."
Her lips twisted wryly. "Fine. I'm willing, but how do you suggest I go about it? I can tell you right now, Spock's not going to be willing."
"Something has to be done," McCoy insisted. "Even if it means your taking maternity leave until the baby is born.hapshaps if you stayed with Sarek and Amanda--" McCoy broke off when he saw the fierce blue flame of her eyes.
"And leave Spock here to let the Captain brainwash him more than he already has? Forget it!" she declared.
"All right, Chris," the Doctor crooned. "It was just a suggestion, dear. Rest now."
He turned down the light and left the room after giving her a pregnancy-safe sedative, heading for his office so he wouldn't disturb her...as well as give that bone-headed Vulcan the lecture he deserved, especially if he'd been told of his wife's collapse and didn't come to be with her, if only to make sure his child was going to be all right--simply because he chose to believe what Jim had likely told him, that she was faking illness to get Spock away from him. Unfortunately, that was what paranoia could do if you let it get the best of you.
But he had no right to infect anyone else with it, especially not Spock. Not when he knew how much the Vulcan wanted a family. Unless he was determined to see to it that
if he couldn't give Spock children, the wife Spock had chosen wasn't going to, either...
whatever he had to do to prevent that occurrence. Well, McCoy wasn't about to allow that--whatever he had to do.

**********

A short time later, McCoy entered his office and contacted Spock after ascertaining the Vulcan's whereabouts. "Computer, where is Commander Spock?"
"Is he alone?" McCoy inquired.
"Affirmative," the computer confirmed.
"Thank you," the Doctor returned. "Get me Spock's quarters now."
"Working," the computer told him. The next voice he heard was that of the Vulcan.
"Spock here."
"This is McCoy. Did Jim tell you what happened to Christine?"
"He mentioned it," Spock admitted.
"And you haven't been to see her," the Doctor accused.
"I have been on duty, Doctor," the First Officer informed him.
"You aren't on duty now," McCoy pointed out.
"How is she?" Spock asked, his tone skeptical but touched with concern.
"She's lost a lot of blood; she's been hemorrhaging slowly but steadily over the past few days--then collapsed this morning on her way here. I had to give her a transfusion."
By his silence, McCoy could tell that Spock hadn't been told this. "Sp" t" the Doctor asked after a long hesitation.
"I am here, Doctor," the First Officer assured him.
"Sorry if I startled you. You didn't know that, did you...or that she nearly lost the baby?"
"Negative, Doctor. I was told only that she had collapsed."
"But you either didn't see any cause for concern since she's done fine up to this point, or you didn't believe she was really ill because you'd been led to believe by a certain someone that she was faking illness in order to keep you and himself apart. Which is it?" McCoy challenged angrily.

"Are you telling me that Jim purposely withheld information from me in order to keep me with him, Doctor?" Spock shot back.
"You said it, I didn't," McCoy returned quietly.
"Are you certain you told him all the details?" Spock countered.
"I told him everything I've told you," McCoy assured him. "It was fortunate that I got to her when I did. So, are you going to come see her or not?"
"If she is stable..." he began.
"Yes, she's stable--for now," the Doctor returned, his voice dangerously quiet. The silence on the other end grew so lengthy that McCoy became angry. "Dammit, you green-blooded computer! This is your wife and child we're talking about here! If you give a damn at all--if only for the child's sake--you'll go to her. Now!" The Doctor's tone made it an order, but he calmed down after a time. "Sorry, Spock...but you know I'd never fake something like this, not for anything--or anyone. And whatever else I am, I'd never lie to you."
"I know," the Vulcan admitted. "Very well, Doctor. I will go see her. Spock out." With that, the intercom went dead.


Part 10

When Spock was halfway to Sickbay, Kirk (who had listened in via his own intercom) caught up with him. "Spock, don't tell me you believe him! He's in cahoots with Christine. He'd say anything to keep us apart!"
But Spock only said, "Have you ever known Dr. McCoy to lie about a medical matter, Jim?"
"No," the Captain had to admit. "At least not without a damn good reason. But he could still be...exaggerating."
"At any rate, it will not hurt to find out one way or the other," Spock told him, and Kirk was unable to argue without seeming desperate, which would make Spock suspicious --and he couldn't risk that. He reluctantly let Spock go, but discreetly followed him, watching as the Vulcan approached Christine's bedside.
Even from where he stood, Kirk had to admit that Christine looked pale, even fragile. If she was faking it, she could win an Academy Award for acting. Spock stood by her bed and watched her sleep, periodically looking up to check her vital signs...and once, even gently rested a hand on the swell of her belly that was his child--the child they could never have--before stroking it. Kirk was one of the few who could recognize the signs of relief in the Vulcan's body language.
The Captain fought the urge to go to his Vulcan lover and put his arms around him, if only to comfort and reassure him. This was one instance where he had no business butting in; whatever he thought of Christine, she was Spock's chosen wife and carrying his child. Because of his selfishness, she had almost lost that child, and if Spock ever figured that out... The next thing he saw was Spock putting his hand on Christine's face for a mind-meld.
He could only guess at its content, but surmised that it was along the lines of the following: I am sorry I was not here for you earlier, my wife. Please get well soon. I do not wish to lose you or our child.

But what stunned him most was Spock's leaning down to kiss her briefly but tenderly, then the Vulcan sat down in the chair next to her bed and held her hand. From the looks of him, Kirk assumed that Spock wasn't going to budge until he was satisfied that his wife and child were out of danger--and there was no telling how long that would be, if her paleness was any indication of her condition.
It also should never have taken McCoy literally ordering Spock to get him to visit Christine; because of all she had been (and was) enduring on Spock's behalf, she was more than worthy of him...and if only for that reason, should be treated with respect--as should Spock's feelings for her.
It was shortly before he left for his quarters that Kirk saw Spock move to sit on Christine's bed, then gather her into his arms and hold her as she slept. That was as much as he could stand, even as he knew he would quite probably be alone this night...and for several nights to come. Mercifully, Kirk didn't see the Vulcan kiss the top of his wife's head, then rest his cheek on it before putting his arms around her to rest his clasped hands on her swollen belly. He sat like that for most of the night, then early in the morning, lay down with her in his arms, keeping his hands on her belly.

**********

When McCoy came in at 0600 that next morning, he was unable to help a knowing smile upon seeing the First Officer holding his pregnant wife in his arms, his hands still on her belly and a look of tenderness laced with posses- siveness on his normally stoic features. The Doctor could well imagine what Jim's reaction would be to this, but in the meantime, was glad beyond words to see that Spock did indeed give a damn about Christine--and not simply because of their child. However, he could only hope that he would not have to order Spock to go to her again...

**********

Christine was in the midst of a beautiful dream, one where Spock was declaring his love for her and promising to terminate his bond with Kirk, then deepen his own bond with her and have as many children with her as she wished. As the dream continued, the Vulcan gathered her into his arms and bent his head toward hers for a kiss. As Christine neared the waking state, she couldn't help thinking, That would be a dream. Not only that, a miracle!
When she opened her eyes, she was sure she was still dreaming, for Spock was indeed holding her in his arms. He was leaning against the headboard; her head was on his chest and her arms locked around his slender waist. His long legs were fully extended, his long, elegant feet nearly touching the footboard. Best of all, his cheek was resting on top of her head--and he was sound asleep. It had been some time since she had awakened in his arms, and she knew that only Leonard could possibly have been responsible for Spock's presence.

No doubt Spock was here mainly out of guilt over the things he had put her through ...but she smiled as she recalled his gentle mind-touch so as not to disturb her much-needed rest, not to mention his affection and concern over her health and that of their unborn child. She squeezed him tightly, moving one hand to place it over his heart, located in his upper right abdomen, to feel its rapid beat and the rhythm of his breathing. It remained there most of the time, then she moved to c his his hands with hers.
Thank you for being here with me, my love. I could ask for nothing more, she thought to him as she snuggled closer to his warmth. Even though their bond was incomplete, they could still communicate mentally...but only when physically touching.
To her surprise and delight, she felt him think back, I am not worthy of you, my wife; all I have forced--and am forcing--you to endure, but I do...value you highly and have no wish to see harm come to you or our child. If you will allow me, I will--take care of you until you are well again. And most import- antly, I intend to treat you with more respect and consideration. He had awakened by this time and moved to face her; still holding her, he lifted her face to his for a tender, lingering kiss. Not entirely as she could have wished, but the best she could realistically expect under the circumstan- ces. She was even more pleased to again hear his voice in her mind: Also, would you be averse to our joining physically once again, as soon as you are able? We have not done so in many days.
We'll do whatever you want, beloved, as long as you're here when I need you, she thought back.
"I also promise that the Doctor will not have to order me to come to you after this," he told her out loud, his voice laced with guilt and remorse.
"Leonard...ordered you to come? Why would he need to do that?"
"Because I--allowed myself to be...swayed by a falsehood from someone I have--always loved and trusted. Someone who has allowed himself to be swayed by...jealousy and selfishness." The Vulcan sounded sad, even mournful, as if his most cherished ideal had just been destroyed--as indeed, it had. "I am...so very sorry, Christine. Please forgive my weakness, my illogic."
She lifted her head to look at him, stunned to find tears in his eyes. "I forgive you, beloved, and am sorry that you've been hurt by someone you care so very much for, someone you've been so close to and...happy with for sny yny years. Don't let one Human failing destroy a wonderful relationship. He may have gone about it the wrong way, but he did it because he loves you and doesn't want to lose you."
"It was inexcusable for him to conceal your illness from me. You could have died, and our child would have been--lost." His voice was quiet but filled with pain.
"Then abhor his action, not him. You know he's not a bad person."
Spock looked at his wife incredulously. "Why are you...defending him after what he tried to do to you?"
"Because he loves you, as I said. People can do abominable things in the name of love. That doesn't excuse it, of course, but the motivation--"
Spock lifted a hand to stop her. "There is rarely sufficient motivation to risk someone's life...or the life of an innocent, unborn child."
Christine smiled knowingly. "As I recall, you were willing to risk your father's life that one time, not to mention your mother's animosity...as well as the entire crew--including me, in Tholian space..." Her voice trailed off. "You did those things because you loved the Captain, but it didn't change the way he felt about you.

"This one mistake on his part shouldn't change the way you feel about him, either. You've gone through far too much together. Whatever his faults, his heart's in the right place. Anyone who can love you as he does, be as loyal as he is to you for as long as he has, I can relate to. I can even understand his not wanting to share you after having had you all to himself all this time. I don't care what happens to me as long as you're happy."
"I would not be...happy if I--lost you or our child, and will not allow even Jim to threaten your lives," Spock declared.
"I'll be all right as long as Leonard is here to take care of me," she dismissed.
"You are my wife; I am your husband, soon to be a father. It is time I...started acting like one." His tone was determined and resolute, and she knew she would not be able to dissuade him. "I will--have a talk with Jim and see to it that he...apologizes to you."
"That's not necessary, Spock. I'm sure he regrets what he's done, now that he's had time to think on it."
"I nearly lost you and our child because of his deception. Do you expect me to overlook it, let it slide, in the name of 'love'? What kind of love is it that believes it acceptable to deceive the beloved, to that person's detriment?"
Christine couldn't argue with that, so she didn't try--but also couldn't allow Spock to alienate himself from Kirk, from someone he loved so much, because of one unfortunate incident. "I...appreciate your concern and--affection for me and our child, Spock, but don't let one mistake ruin everything you and the Captain have built together, both professionally and personally. Don't dwell so much on the bad that you lose sight of the good. Promise me you won't. It's not worth losing everything you value the most." She gave him a hard look. "Promise me, or else I'll walk out of here and never come back."
Spock looked at his wife and knew she meant it, so he had no choice but to give in. "Very well. I will consider it, but I...cannot allow this to pass without--dealing with it and the emotions which prompted it."
Christine sighed. "All right, do what you feel you have to do, but keep in mind--understand and forgive. I don't think you'll have to worry about his doing it again...not as long as you and Leonard are keeping an eye on things. And if there's anything you don't understand, feel free to ask me about it. I can't promise to have all the answers, but will do all in my power to enlighten you."
Spock lifted his wife's face and looked deep into her eyes. "I do not deserve you. Why do you 'put up' with me?"
The Vulcan's eyebrows disappeared into his hairline. "That is your answer to everything? Love?"
"My love for you is everything to me. All that matters to me--and all that ever will matter, other than our child," she insisted, raising his nearest hand to her lips and kissing it, then holding it against her cheek. "As long as we're together, I can endure anything--and whatever makes you happy is what I want."
"Even at your own expense?"
"Even at my own expense. The nature of love is unselfish giving, sometimes even sacrificing for the sake of the loved one."
Spock was rendered all but speechless by the depth of her feelings and the sincerity of her words. "Christine..."
"Don't say anything, Spock. Just hold me and let me feel your thoughts and emotions."


Her tone told him it would do no good to argue with her, so he gave in and did as she said, simply holding her as he had been holding her all night, allowing her to feel his thoughts and emotions. She eventually fell asleep again, then he kissed the top of her head and rested his cheek on it again. He remained awake for at least an hour after this, startled by a tentative "ah-hum". He looked up to find McCoy hovering in the doorway. Spock fought off embarrassment, recalling what the Doctor must have witnessed. McCoy must have somehow sensed his discomfort since his next statement seemed designed to reassure him.
"Don't worry, Spock. I'm not here to tease you. I just want to check on Chris, see how she's doing." The Doctor smiled. "This is the best thing you could do for her, in fact. I couldn't prescribe better." At Spock's raised eyebrow, McCoy explained. "In most any medical situation, the patient's physical well-being is directly linked to their emotional state. If their emotional needs are satisfied, it's a foregone conclusion that their physical condition is going to improve."
"Then I am...doing the right thing, as you say?" The Vulcan was pleased but incredulous.
"Best thing you could possibly do, as I said," McCoy confirmed with a smile. "Just give Chris some attention whenever she asks for it during her convalescence, and she should be just fine. Emotional deprivation was her main problem to begin with; if only all my cases could be solved so easily."
"Then--she will recover? She...will not--lose the child?" The First Offi- cer's voice held too much hope and question for the Doctor not to detect it.
"Not if you do your part. It's all up to you now. My part is finished," McCoy informed him.
"Will this detract from my time with Jim?" Spock wondered.
"Some, but not that much. It's only going to be for a little while anyway, and if you truly care about Christine and your child, it should be but a minor and temporary inconvenience." The Chief Surgeon put a hesitant hand on the Vulcan's shoulder. "I also trust that I'll not have to order you down here again."
"I will be here," Spock assured his Human friend.
"Glad to hear it," McCoy returned. "Just as I'm sure Chris will be," he finished. "Well, the readings show a definite improvement, I'm happy to say...mainly thanks to you. Better go now, Spock. Keep up the good work. I'll look in on you and Chris later."
"Very well, Doctor," Spock replied, then McCoy departed. A few minutes later, the Vulcan was asleep again.