The Boys From Tennessee

The Boys From Tennessee
Rating: mild chapter, language, angst
Author: Chissy_Rose
Author’s Notes/Disclaimer: They’re not mine, I don’t own them. No infringement intended.

The Boys From Tennessee
Chapter 19 (19/60)
We’re Both Bisexual…

The next morning Peter tried to extricate himself from Sawyer’s arms, but woke him as he tried to get up. “Where are you going good-looking?” Sawyer mumbled sleepily.

“Going to find a tree. I’ll be back shortly,” Peter responded as he slipped on his jeans, t-shirt and shoes. Sawyer decided he might as well get up too since Peter was dressed and probably not coming back to bed. Sawyer dressed quickly and combed his hair and stepped out of the tent in time to see Peter coming back.

“You know you didn’t hafta get up on my account.”

“Well, since you were up I figured I’d get up too. We can go look for some breakfast if you want.”

Peter suggested they go in the direction of Shannon’s old shelter, find something to eat, and drag some more stuff to his new shelter. Sawyer agreed although he thought they were really getting an early start. Two hours later though they had finished the shelter and partially furnished it with airplane seats, luggage end tables and some other items. Peter said he was going to get his pillow; blanket and anything else back from Julie and then his luggage from Sawyer’s tent. Sawyer offered to go too, but Peter said he’d rather go on his own.

Peter was surprised to see that Ana Lucia was hanging out with Julie. He asked Julie for his part of the bedding and anything else that was left that was his. Julie went inside the tent leaving him with Ana Lucia outside.

Ana couldn’t resist picking at him. “So you shacking up with your new lover Sawyer now? We saw you carrying on last night on the beach in the moonlight. Thought you were going to fuck him out in the open. You certainly didn’t waste much time.”

Peter grimaced, he hated they were already a hot gossip item. “Actually, not that it’s any of your business, but I just finished building my own shelter further up the beach.”

Ana smiled, “Well, I hope it’s out of yelling range, cause we could all hear Sawyer yesterday morning calling out your name.”

Peter had a twisted smile on his face, “Whoever I hang out with is nobody else’s business but mine.”

“You’re both gay, you should be concerned about what the other men on this island think about that.”

“We’re both bisexual,” he replied, “and I’m more concerned about what someone may do than what they think, I’ve had to deal with prejudiced, dangerous people before. I won’t be like I was with Julie. I’ll fight anyone else that messes with me.” Julie reappeared with his things. She apologized for breaking his nose and tearing him up. She also said she was sorry about how things ended. Peter said he was sorry too, for all the grief he had cause her over time, that he still cared about her, but knew that he was the cause of the breakup.

“You’re right, you know, about me,” he said softly, not noticing that Libby was sitting close by. “I am damaged emotionally. My old man screwed me up royally and probably has ensured that I’ll never have a long term relationship with anyone. I’ll never have the one thing that I want most in life.” He took the items from her hands and leaned towards her and planted a kiss on her cheek. “I’m so sorry,” he said, walking off, not looking back. He took his stuff back to his new shelter and went back to Sawyer’s tent. When he got there, there was no sign of him. He finally decided that Sawyer didn’t want to see him take his luggage and leave so he went ahead and took it and walked sadly back up the beach to his new place. About an hour later he decided he needed to walk back down to the campsite. When he got to the campfire area he realized too late that Libby was sitting close by. She got up to come and speak to him and they walked out towards the ocean.

She said very evenly, “So how are you doing today?”

He swallowed hard and said, “Well, I had a rough night. I woke Sawyer up with my nightmares last night. I think I had them because of our session yesterday, but I’m better today.”

“How are things with Sawyer, is he okay?”

“I’ve moved into my own shelter. Told him I needed some space and time. He’s upset about it though. He tried to get me to just stay with him and not move out. I’m afraid I’ll hurt him real bad if I’m living with him and running around at the same time.”

“Don’t you think you may still hurt him if he cares about you and you’re still having sex with other people?”

“I’ve told him flat out he’s not the only person I’m having sex with and he knows who.”

Libby looked at his face carefully as he talked and then asked him, “It’s Jack isn’t it?”

Peter literally smacked his forehead with his palm, “Fucking hell! How did you know that?”

“I’m a psychologist; I watch people’s faces and body language just as hard as I listen to their voices and tone. I especially watch their eyes – they tell a lot. Last night you were on the beach with Sawyer and Ana Lucia was taking about the scene with Kate, Sawyer and you, yesterday morning and about hearing Sawyer call out your name. Jack tried really hard to not react, but I could see it in his eyes. I certainly won’t tell anyone, but I thought I should let you know that I was able to figure it out. You certainly have a dangerous triangle going here.”

Peter was looking out at the ocean, shaking his head no and mumbling, “Shit! They both know I’m seeing the other one, but I can’t give up either one of them. I’m just gonna take things on a day by day, hour by hour basis. I have enough problems without borrowing trouble from the future.”

Libby asked him, “So when do you want to get together for our next session?” Peter looked back at the sand again. Libby thought, oh no I’m not going to like what he’s going to say next, he’s looking down again. And she was right.

He paused for a moment. “I don’t want to get together for a little while Libby. I basically came unglued yesterday and that’s upset me. I didn’t get that upset with my male psychiatrist years ago and he sedated me. I felt out of control and believe it or not I feel the need to control some things in my life. I don’t want to meet for a while. I need some space from all that grief and pain I was reliving yesterday. Let me come to you when I feel like I need to talk.”

Libby shook her head no and sucked momentarily on her bottom lip while she was thinking. “I don’t think that’s a good idea Peter. We opened a lot of deep wounds yesterday and we didn’t really do anything for you other than expose them. I think you still need to talk with me. It goes against my clinical expertise to let you walk away from your sessions when you’re still in a bad place.”

“I knew you’d say that, but it did help just to let somebody here know what I’ve been through. I still want to stop for the time being. My psychiatrist used to do some hypnosis with me. Do you ever do hypnosis?”

Libby nodded. “Yes I do and it might be a good way to help you talk about things without getting so upset.”

“I do well under hypnosis; my doc said he thought I was still repressing a lot though. I’m willing to try it later, but yesterday was too painful. I need recovery time.”

“Before I agree to this, I need to ask you something and talk to you about it.” Libby touched Peter on the shoulder. “I have to ask you a question and I want you to tell me the truth about it.”

“I have been telling you the truth Libby. What is it?”

“Have you ever tried to kill yourself and if so how?”

Peter visibly cringed when she asked him. “You must be psychic or something. I don’t remember saying anything about that.”

“You didn’t, I just need you to tell me. It’s a common response for people who have been as emotionally, physically and sexually abused as you have been.”

Peter knew he needed to tell her the truth. He reached down and slowly removed both the wide black leather wrist straps he wore and usually never removed. He slowly turned his wrists over and put his hands in hers to show her the slit marks over both wrists. There was more than one set of marks. I’ve tried to kill myself more than once. Twice I cut my wrists, different times when I was a teenager. There was a third time about a year ago that I tried to OD on pills and whiskey. Julie found me then and called 911. They pumped out my stomach.”

Libby was more concerned now than ever. “Have you been thinking about committing suicide lately or now?”

Peter looked out at the ocean and spoke slowly, “The thought of suicide crosses my mind almost every day of my life Libby, doesn’t mean I’m gonna take action on it. I don’t have any plans to do anything to myself.” Libby tried to convince him that they needed to continue, but Peter kept insisting that he needed space and time.

Finally Libby said, “I can’t force you to come to therapy, you have to want to get better and be willing to make changes in your life. I want you to make a solemn promise to me that you will come and talk to me at any point you need to. I also want you to swear that you won’t do anything to endanger your life and won’t attempt suicide without coming to me and letting me help you. Do you swear you agree to come to talk to me if needed and that you are entering into a contract with me to not hurt or kill yourself?”

Peter looked her in the eyes and said he swore to her terms and that he promised he would come back to her for help. She said that they didn’t have to have a session for him to just come and tell her what was on his mind or if something was bothering him. Peter shook his head yes. He said he was going to walk to the caves to see about getting some water and asked if she’d like to walk there with him, but Libby said she had a prior commitment she needed to keep. Peter set off in the direction of the caves and the waterfall.