Peanut Butter Banana Sandwiches

“I don’t know, Stephanie…”
“Don’t be such a baby, Sportakook.” Robbie interrupted.
“Stop calling me that! And I am not being a baby. I just don’t like being unconscious, unlike some people.”
“Are you referring to me?”
“Noooo. I’m referring to the other cake-eating nap-taking self-proclaimed-genius of Lazy Town.”
The sudden sarcasm from Sportacus, of all people, surprised Robbie into silence. Stephanie used this opportunity to wave the honey-covered toast in front of the elf’s face.
“Come on! You’ll never know unless you try!”
Sportacus looked at her doubtfully.
“I… I guess…” he relented, and carefully took the piece of bread. Stephanie smiled encouragingly at him and Robbie just watched neutrally as he carefully took a bite.
He very nearly spit it back out at the first hint of sweetness, out of habit. But he forced himself to continue, and as he chewed and got used to the sweet flavor, he found that it was actually pretty good… really good in fact… he took another bite, and Stephanie cheered.
“Odd,” Robbie commented. “Sucrose is in almost everything… but he only reacts to things with refined sugar in them? Hmm.” Sportacus took another bite, watching Robbie think to himself about the chemical properties of sports candy, cake, and honey. Sportacus giggled suddenly, finding it very funny. Robbie looked up, raising an eyebrow at the uncharacteristic sound.
“What’s so funny?” Robbie inquired. Sportacus grinned in between another bite, and shrugged. Robbie gave him a doubtful look, but didn’t push it. Sportacus chewed thoughtfully on another bite while he half-listened to what Stephanie was talking to Robbie about. Something about a school project? Hmm. Was the air ship always so interesting? He grabbed another piece of toast and poured a copious amount of honey on it without thinking.
Robbie’s attention suddenly snapped from Stephanie’s pleading for him to help her with a science project, back to the elf. Robbie watched, highly disturbed, as Sportacus started eating the honey-soaked bread, apparently enjoying it highly. Stephanie squeaked, appalled.
“Sportacus? What are you doing?” she nearly yelped. Sportacus paused, looking vaguely confused.
“I dunno,” he admitted. “I feel tingly…” He giggled again and took another bite, licking his fingers. “Honey… I like honey.”
Robbie felt suddenly as if the world had tilted on its head.
The damned elf was drunk.
Or some form of intoxicated anyway, because next thing Robbie knew, Sportacus was singing something in a language neither of the sober people there could understand, and finding it absolutely hilarious.
“Pixie,” he said without moving his eyes from the elf. “Go to your room.”
“What?” she protested. “Why?”
“You want to find out what an intoxicated elf is like, be my guest. It won’t be my fault when he starts deciding it’s too hot in here and stripping.”
She squeaked in horror as Sportacus apparently overheard and understood at least part of the conversation, and started fumbling with the clasp on his crystal case. She ran to her room and locked the door behind her. Luckily, Sportacus seemed to forget what he was doing, and grabbed the bottle of honey again, humming to himself and pouring it into one hand.
“Stop that!” Robbie snapped, snatching the bottle away from him. Sportacus didn’t seem to mind, as he was busy licking the sticky mess out of his hand.
“Yummy,” he commented. Robbie made a disgusted face at him.
“I can’t believe you’re drunk off of honey.”
“Maaaayybe,” Sportacus slurred, getting the sticky liquid off of his fingers now. Robbie was concentrating very hard on not noticing how long the man’s tongue was.
“You are,” he replied dryly. Sportacus giggled again.
“Maybe,” he repeated. “I wouldn’t know. Is there anymore bread?… I want some more…”
“No,” Robbie said quickly. “You’ve definitely had enough.”
“But Robbiiieeeee,” Sportacus whined, looking pathetic. “Want iiiiiit.”
“No,” he repeated. Sportacus pouted.
“No sex.” the elf finally replied, looking hopefully up at Robbie to see if the threat had any impact. He wanted that honey back. It made his mouth feel slightly numb, but this wasn’t that bad of a feeling really… Robbie closed his eyes.
“Not gonna work,” he said. “As soon as you’re sober again, you’re going to succumb to my ravishing good looks anyway. So it doesn’t matter.”
“Robbie tastes a little like honey,” Sportacus randomly commented. Robbie froze, and his eyes snapped open. The elf was taking off his boots.
“What in the world are you doing?”
Sportacus looked up.
“Getting naked. I wanted to go for a run in the forest. Wanna come?”
“There is no forest here. And no, I wouldn’t want to come. And I don’t want to know why you feel you have to be naked to do so.”
Sportacus grinned, swaying on his feet.
“I like you,” he slurred, pointing in Robbie’s general direction. “You’re fun.”
“Uh-huh,” Robbie replied flatly. “How about you… go lay down for awhile. Yes. Doesn’t that sound good?”
“Hmmmm,” Sportacus considered, giving his hands a good tongue-cleaning and relishing the remaining taste of honey on them. “I think I want to…” he trailed off for a moment, forgetting. “Oh. Yeah. Wanna play.” Robbie sighed.
“Play what,” he groaned. Sportacus grinned again and bounced on his feet.
“Hide and seek.”
“There’s nowhere to hide.”
“Ohhhh. True. You’re smart.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Thennnn… I guess, play-” and here he started rambling in some broken language that Robbie wasn’t even going to guess at.
“What the hell are you even speaking, you deranged elf?” he demanded. Sportacus paused and smiled up at him.
“You’re not as smart as I thought,” he replied cheekily. “Shoulda guessed by now. Elf!” He pointed to his ears.
“… You have your own language?”
“Mmmm,” Sportacus hummed in agreement and abruptly sat down on the floor, picking up his boots and pretending they were enemy air ships shooting missiles and crashing into each other. He graciously provided them with the appropriate sound effects.
Robbie was sorely tempted to lock himself in the room with Stephanie and wait it out until Sportacus passed out eventually. But he wasn’t quite trusting enough to know the elf wouldn’t decide doing barrel rolls with the air ship wasn’t great fun. So, leaving him unsupervised wasn’t an option. But he certainly didn’t want to deal with him right now. Besides, what if someone needed saving soon? He just knew the elf was going to bounce right off the edge of the ship and forget he couldn’t fly, or something equally stupid. He thought quickly.
“Sportacus,” he said, tapping the man on the head. Sportacus looked up.
“You said my name right…”
“Uh… yeah. Hey, listen,” he interrupted, crouching down next to him and throwing an arm over his shoulders in a friendly gesture. “I was thinking-”
“You like doing that.”
“Yeah. I was thinking about your crystal. What’s it made out of anyway?”
Sportacus giggled, tapping the case and pulling it out.
“Seeee? It’s made out of special stuff. Can’t tell you. Well, maaaaybe I could. It’s comp… comri… com-pli-ca-ted though.”
“Can I see?” Robbie inquired, holding out his hand. Sportacus gurgled nonsensically and laid it on Robbie’s outstretched palm. Robbie quickly pocketed it.
“Heeeyyy!” Sportacus protested, trying to stand up. “That’s mine. You can’t have it.”
“I’m just holding onto it for you,” Robbie said quickly, standing up and backing up a little. “I’m not taking it.”
“Yesh you are,” Sportacus slurred, feeling sleepy. “You wanna make me leave…”
“I don’t,” Robbie defended. Sportacus looked confused at his legs, as if wondering why they weren’t working properly.
“What is it made out of?” Robbie asked again, hoping to deflect the elf’s wandering attention. Sportacus yawned.
“Oh…” he murmured. “Spirit stuff. You know. That kinda thing… spirit… magic… some rain water… nice things…” His body was slowly becoming parallel to the floor, and Robbie moved forward again to catch him before his head smacked into the tile. Sportacus was unconscious within an instant.
“That was easy,” he commented to himself. He grunted, hefting the unconscious man up by his arms and dragging him over to the… well, where the bed was supposed to be. He frowned at the wall panel.
“Bed,” he said, feeling stupid talking to a wall. Nothing moved, and he cursed, dropping Sportacus onto the floor and stomping over to Stephanie’s door.
“PIXIE!” he bellowed, pounding a fist on it. She cracked open the door and peeked out.
“If he’s run off naked somewhere I’m not helping,” she said quickly. Robbie shook his head.
“He’s passed out. I can’t get the stupid bed down.”
“I can’t get it down either,” she said, frowning in thought. “Most of the voice commands are still programmed just for him. I can only really get to the food. I‘m not sure how I got the bed down last time…”
Robbie cursed and she frowned at him as he stomped back over to Sportacus and glared down at him. She padded over as well.
“We could put him in my bed,” she suggested. It was Robbie’s turn to frown.
“I don’t think we can lift him.”
Stephanie sighed, disappearing into her room and dragging out her pillow and blankets. She made a sort of makeshift bed.
Unfortunately, they found that even that way the densely muscled elf was too heavy to pick up at all, so they ended up simply rolling him onto it.
Robbie panted, slumping down onto the floor to catch his breath. Stephanie rolled her eyes at him and grabbed an apple.
Nothing to do but wait for their elf to wake up.
“Wanna play cards?”