The Boys From Tennessee

The Boys From Tennessee
Rating: R. Warning: Talk about abuse, rape (incest), pain and trauma. Heavy angst.
Author: Chissy_Rose
Author’s Notes/Disclaimer: They’re not mine, I don’t own them. No infringement intended.

The Boys From Tennessee
Chapter 16 (16/60)
Talking With Libby

Peter saw Libby at a distance and was unsure abut whether it was a good time. She was sitting, talking and listening to Ana Lucia, Julie and one of Julie’s girlfriends. They seemed to be in good spirits. He finally decided to screw up his courage and go ask Libby if it was convenient to talk with her now. He approached them facing Libby and hoped she saw him first. She did see him and left the group and met him quite a distance from where she’d been sitting. They greeted each other and he asked if now would be a good time to talk. She said yes, and he suggested back down the beach. They started down towards the shoreline, walking slowly down the beach. They were making small talk mostly. Libby was trying to get him to relax. She could tell he was already tense before they had even got started. They reached an area that was well out of earshot of anyone else and was well beyond the last shelters. There were 3 or 4 rock outcroppings that could serve as seats. She asked Peter to sit down and she sat down opposite of him so she could read his body language while they talked. She asked him what did he want to talk about today, and reminded him that whatever he said when they were in session was confidential. He sat quietly for a few moments with his elbows on his knees and his hands up to his chin and mouth. Libby knew through his body language that he was really struggling with what he wanted to say – he was covering his mouth.

He finally spoke, “I really don’t know where to start Libby. My life is so messed up. I told you I was in therapy for four years and a year in couple’s therapy. I know why I do some of the things I do, but I don’t do well controlling myself and it always causes problems.”

“What problems are you having now?”

“Well, you know I’m bi-sexual right? I uh, have problems controlling my sexuality – I guess I really don’t want to. But then I end up having bad breakups like the one I just had with Julie. It’s usually the only stable thing in my life. I guess Julie has talked about it some huh?”

“Well, she has been very vocal about the breakup, but I want to hear your side of it. There’s usually truth in both people’s interpretation of events. I want to hear your take on what happened, why, and how it’s affecting you.”

“I know what caused it. It was my fault and it goes back to my lack of control. We had been in couple’s counseling about a year in the states and when we came to Australia for her martial arts tour and tournaments I quit my job and came with her. Her tour was over and we took the Oceanic flight as the first part of our journey back to the U.S. and then there was our awful crash here. We built a shelter for ourselves and basically settled into a routine… I’ve been promiscuous basically all of my life. She knew I was that way before we became serious. I guess she thought she could calm me down and make me be faithful to her.”

“Julie basically said the same thing about wanting you to be faithful, but that you weren’t.”

“That’s an understatement. I was for the first couple of months we were dating, but then I started picking up guys again and having sex with them. I don’t think she ever really knew how unfaithful I was. I always used a condom and was careful. I also got tested regularly. Anyway, I think she knew I was fooling around on the side. We’d get phone calls that when she answered were hang-ups. I was always going out with the boys after work, but plenty of times I was having sex with the other guys.”

“Why were you in a relationship with Julie then?”

Pete hung his head and looked at the sand between them. “The bad thing is that I really did care about her and love her. I know I hurt her very badly. I think in the end I was mostly using her though. It always seemed easier to get guys when I was with her.”

Libby sat and thought about what he was saying, “So from your perspective what happened that brought it all to a head?”

“Well when we were in couple’s therapy, it just seemed to make us have more fights. We’d get in screaming matches, which I never liked, but later we’d make-up and the sex was great. She’d thought if I came with her to Australia that we’d grow closer together since I’d only know her there. She didn’t realize I’d pick up guys just for quickies. Then last week I started thinking about Charlie and fantasizing about what it’d be like to have a quickie with him. I knew he’d probably been pursued by guys before being a rock star with a music contract, so I decided I’d take a chance. Only I was so stupid about it. I did it out in the open.”

“Do you think you secretly wanted to get caught to get out of the relationship?”

“Maybe subconsciously I did want out. I don’t know. I usually have better sense than to do what I did out in the open like that. I had started flirting with Charlie and the next thing I knew I had my hands laced in his hair and my tongue in his mouth and he was kissing me back. Julie came around the tent and saw me kissing him and came unglued. It was the last straw. I think you know what happened after that. She threw my stuff out of our tent and then started screaming and attacking me. I believe you were in the audience at that point.”

“Why do you think you did nothing to protect yourself? She said you knew some martial arts too and that she expected you to defend yourself. You apparently made some movement that made her think you were going to.”

“Because deep down I believe that I deserved to be hurt by her for all the dishonesty, unfaithfulness and pain I put her through. I didn’t know I was gonna get hurt so badly though. She’s way out of my league when it comes to fighting. She could have easily killed me and she was mad enough to have tried.”

“We can talk about your relationship with Julie more in the future if you’d like. You mentioned before that you were upset right now. What’s going on with you now?”

“Well, I’m bi-sexual but I have a definite preference for guys and I don’t do well in controlling it. We’ve been on this island what? A little more than six weeks? I’ve had sex with four guys since I’ve been here and all of them multiple times. The problem is it’s gonna cause havoc. It always does. I really care about two of them and my head is screwed up about it. I don’t want to give up either one.”

“Well, there are a couple of different things you just brought up that we can talk about. First off, are you having protected sex with these guys?”

Peter looked down again and broke eye contact. Libby had already picked up that his looking down was a bad sign with him. Meant he was going to tell her something he didn’t want to, that he couldn’t look her in the eyes at that moment.

“I’ve broken my own rules. I don’t have any more condoms, so I’m having unprotected sex. Rough sex sometimes. I know I was clean when we crashed here and I just have to rely on them being honest about being clean.”

“You know how dangerous that is right?” Peter nodded yes.

He looked her steadily in the eyes now and answered. “Libby, the threat of some sexual disease is not gonna keep me from having sex with anyone. I can tell you honestly I’ve got a sex addiction that I can’t control and don’t seem to want to. The problem it causes me is when I get in a relationship that I want to maintain and I trash it with my behavior.”

“Well, this will certainly give us some direction to go in to try and help you. If you truly do have a sex addiction, it can be hard to overcome. Some people never get a handle on it just like other addictions. You keep saying your bi-sexual Peter and that you’ve had sex with Julie, but all you’ve been talking about is having sex with other men. Are you sure you’re not gay and having sex with women as a cover-up?”

“I’ve been asked that question in reverse before too. I’m not sure in my heart that wanting women is not something I’m doing because I want to be bi-sexual. Maybe over time you can help me sort that out but you’re gonna have to know about my past to get perspective on my problems now. I’m more screwed up than you know.”

Libby nodded, “I want to ask you something more before we talk about the past. You said you were having sex with four guys now?”

“No, just two guys now. But I really care about both of them and the sex is great. I don’t want to give up either one of them.”

“Do they both know you’re having sex with someone else? You know it could be very dangerous for you and them if they find it out as a shock.” Peter cringed visibly, he wasn’t sure if she was talking about Sawyer, Kate and him now.

“I know. I’ve been beaten up badly before because of a surprise revelation like that.”

“Do you want to tell me who your two lovers are so we can talk about it?” Peter was looking out at the ocean, frowning. Libby could tell he was struggling.

“You don’t have to tell me either one of them if you don’t want to.”

“I’m gonna tell you one of them now because of what happened earlier. Sawyer is one of my lovers. Do you know what happened this morning?”

“I saw Sawyer and Kate fighting way down the beach and then saw you but I couldn’t really hear anything that was going on. You were all too far away.”

“I spent the night with Sawyer in his tent. This morning we made love and Sawyer was, well, loud when he came and he shouted my name. I don’t think anyone who heard him would have any doubt about what we were doing. We were lying in his bed kissing when Kate opened the tent flap as saw us in bed together. It was a bad shock for everyone involved. I think Kate had a crush on him from watching them together. She went to pieces and ran up the beach. He followed her and tried to talk to her but she was fighting like a hell-cat. She went off in the jungle and he walked on up the beach. I sat outside his tent over an hour waiting for him to come back. It was really bad.”

“Sounds like everyone involved was upset. And we can talk about it some more, but I need to ask you again. Does Sawyer know you’re having sex with another man? He strikes me as the type that could become violent if he was really hurt or if he found out something like that as a surprise.”

“I keep telling him I’m not exclusive with him and I’ve told him repeatedly that I’m promiscuous and that I don’t want to hurt him.”

“You need to be more specific with him and let him know you are having sex with someone else and not just him. You need to be honest and up-front with both of them. What about the other male?”

“He knows I am. I’ve told him.”

“And yet you haven’t been as truthful or forthcoming with Sawyer. Why do you think that is?”

“I think I’m worrying more about hurting or upsetting him.”

“Then you owe it to him to tell him that you actually are having sex with someone else too.”

“I don’t want to lose either one of them. I think that’s part of why I wanted to talk with you. Plus, I’ve been feeling depressed and anxious.”

“It shows insight on your part to see that and know from your past behavior that you might lose one or both of them if you don’t do things differently with them. Do you want to keep talking or talk some more tomorrow or the next day?”

“I’ve got some things I need to tell you while I’ve got my courage up that are going to be real hard to talk about. I may go to pieces on you.”

“We can quit at anytime you or I think we should stop. You keep alluding to your past? What do you want to share with me about it?” Peter was looking into her face, looking for reassurance. Libby felt sad. She had already figured out some of what he was going to tell her from her previous work. He had some classic signs. “Remember I told you about the places I’ve worked and the things I’ve heard. I’ve probably heard whatever you’re going to tell me from other clients – people in a lot of pain. I’m not here to judge you Peter, just to help you deal better with that pain. I’m not going to think less of you because of what you’ve been through. I’ll listen carefully to everything to say.”

Peter nodded. “I never know where to get started.”

“Don’t feel pressured. We can still talk tomorrow or the next day.”

“I want to show you something first so you’ll have a better idea of what I’ve been through growing up.” Libby nodded her head. Peter stood up and unbuttoned his shirt and removed it. She could see his eyes were brimming with tears. He walked over and sat down with his back to her. She wasn’t sure initially what he was trying to show her and then she realized in shock that he had long marks all over his back and sides, and thin shorter scars also.

“Oh God,” she said, “Who did this to you?” The tears spilled out onto his face. He hated showing anyone his back, that his father did such a thing to him. He got up and put his shirt back on and sat back down.

His face looked anguished as he spoke quietly but bitterly, “Johnnie Lee Ford, my old man. I was sixteen years old. He was a big man, strong, used to hurting me. He and some of his friends had been arrested and he thought I’d turned him into the law. He striped me naked, tied me to a tree and over several hours he raped me, sodomized me with the bullwhip handle and finally took the bullwhip to my back. I screamed so loud begging him to stop whipping me that I lost my voice for days. I almost bled to death. Probably would have if the postal carrier hadn’t driven to the house and seen me bleeding, tied to the tree and taken me to the emergency room. They put him into a prison in Tennessee for what he’d done to me.”

Libby looked pale. She’d heard other people talk of beatings and rapes they had endured when she worked for the rape crisis network, but he’d been a male teenager raped and almost whipped to death by his own father. She knew the source of his issues now but still didn’t know how bad it was. She looked down the beach and saw that Sawyer was sitting on a rock pretending to be looking out at the ocean, but she knew he was watching them carefully.

“I’m so sorry that he did that to you. I can tell it still causes you a lot of pain to talk about it. You’re being very brave. Where was your mother or any other family? Wasn’t there anyone who could have protected you?”

“My mom died with my older sister in a car crash when I was almost seven years old. My next nearest kin were on the other side of a mountain ridge. There were no other adults there. That’s when my life went totally to hell.” Peter stopped. Libby was almost afraid to ask him to go on; she could tell from his face how bad it must have been.

“Only tell me what happened if you want to.”

Peter was so upset me almost couldn’t speak. His lower lip was quivering badly. “No kid deserves what I got… Shit!” He bent over and put his head into his hands and sobbed. Libby sat down closer to him and put her hand on his shoulder briefly to let him know she was with him. He struggled to talk. “I need to tell you what my psychiatrist said Libby. He said I was the most physically and emotionally abused male he’d worked with.” Peter started to rock back & forth slowly. She knew it was a bad sign – these were the secrets he kept hidden and that he was afraid to tell people.

“Fuck it,” he muttered and tried to wipe his eyes. “I just have to tell you it all at once.” He was breaking her heart but she knew she needed to be strong for him.

“My old man was an alcoholic and an incestuous pedophile. He came to my bed on my seventh birthday – I was just a little kid. He was drunk. He started abusing me, telling me I was his property and he could do what he wanted with me, even kill me. And then he sodomized me!” Peter was crying hard as he fought to talk again. “But it wasn’t over then. I had to live through the horror over and over again. He had sex with me three or four times a week every week until I was 16 years old and he almost killed me. As I got older he would stalk me sometimes and grab me from behind, tie me up or handcuff me and hurt me before he raped me. He threatened to kill me and some of my friends at school if I ever told so I never did until they arrested him for almost killing me. Oh Jesusss…” Peter was holding his head. Libby was whispering she was sorry over and over but she wasn’t sure he was hearing her. He couldn’t talk any more; his body was racked with heavy sobs. She knew he needed to let it all out. It had affected every aspect of his life. She wondered if he’d attempted suicide. About that time she suddenly realized that Sawyer was approaching them and he looked worried and upset. He knew that whatever Peter was telling her was tearing him apart. Sawyer looked directly in her eyes, “Don’t you think he’s had enough for today Libby? You can talk to him tomorrow or the next day right?” Libby knew he wasn’t going to leave without Peter so she said they could talk tomorrow or the next day, whenever Peter wanted if he wanted to stop now. She was concerned about leaving him this upset, but Sawyer told her that he wasn’t gonna leave him and that he’d be with him through the night and that he’d come get her if she was needed. Libby put her hand on Peter’s shoulder and told him she’d be back at the beach campsite if he needed her and she’d come right away. Peter nodded yes, but was still crying. Libby thought that maybe Sawyer might be the best sedative to calm him down anyway as she made her way back up the beach. She felt exhausted. Sawyer knew that whatever secrets Peter was carrying, whatever he’d been through was worse than what he’d experienced. He cursed himself for not being more comforting, unsure what to do or say to calm him down. He asked him if he wanted to walk back or sit for a little while. Peter said sit and he took Sawyer by the hand and went down closer to the shore and sat down facing the water. Sawyer wanted to be as close as possible and he sat down astraddle and behind Peter and wrapped both his arms around him gently and held him like a lover. Peter looked so forlorn. Sawyer understood now why Pete kept holding back and why he’d felt like he need to tell Libby first. He had totally gone to pieces with her. After a while Peter wrapped his arms over Sawyer’s and nuzzled back into him. Sawyer felt relieved that Peter was relaxing now and that he felt safe with him. They sat and watched as the sun began to set and the colors drifted out across the sky and the tide went out. Sawyer whispered to Peter, “I love you, you know.” Peter smiled back sadly, “I love you too Sawyer, I’m just scared.”