The Long, Lonely Road Ahead

The following events take place after Hotch’s divorce but prior to JJ’s giving birth.

Yes, I know it’s a Mary Sue in some ways, but it was fun to write, so I’m throwing it out there for you to read and see what you think.

The Long, Lonely Road Ahead

Chapter Fifteen

Fifteen minutes later, I was heading outside to the curb, where Aaron was waiting for me.
“Where’s Pen?” I asked, sliding into the passenger seat. We kissed hello, a quick kiss, followed by a deeper, slower kiss. “Mmmm, lovely.”
“Garcia’s meeting us at the restaurant with Kevin,” Aaron said, pulling away from the curb.
“Where’re we going?”
“Just a bar and grill. It’s got great burgers.”
“Good. I’m hungry.”
“What did you do this afternoon?”
I looked at him. He was starting straight ahead, watching the road, but something seemed off.
“I surfed the ‘net. Why?”
“Just making conversation.”
“What did you do this afternoon?”
“I can’t really talk about it.”
“I didn’t think so. Must be difficult, keeping it all inside like that.”
“I talk about it, but with other profilers.”
“They get it, eh?”
“Yes, they get it.” He put on the radio, turning to an oldies station. I sighed inwardly and turned to look out the window. Something was off for certain. I just wish I knew what.

We arrived at Taps Bar and Grill fifteen minutes later, parking next to Garcia’s car. They already had a booth, Pen sitting inside, Kevin on the outside.
“After you,” Aaron said, and I slid into the booth opposite Pen.
“Hey, Hon!” I said, and we hugged over the table.
“Hi Terra,” Kevin said. He was clearly uncomfortable being on a double date with his boss. It was kind of cute.
“So how was your day?” I asked Pen, and her face clouded for a moment.
“It was fine… just fine… how about you?” she said, picking up her menu and holding it in front of her.
“What’s going on?” I asked Aaron.
“What do you mean?” he asked back, picking up his menu.
“I mean, things are weird. You’re weird. Pen’s weird. Something’s up here.”
“Nothing’s up, Terra,” Kevin said. “We’re just two couples out for dinner. So, what looks good here, Penelope?”
“I want out,” I told Aaron, but he didn’t move.
“Look Terra, there’s a lot you haven’t told me, and Penelope suggested that you might be more amenable to discussing some of those… issues… in a comfortable setting, rather than asking you to come into the office.” He looked at me, his dark eyes penetrating. “I have a lot of questions for you, particularly if we’re going to continue to see each other.”
“Okay, this is getting to be a bit much for me,” Kevin said, putting his menu down and standing up. “I think we should go, Penelope.”
“Oh sit down,” she said, hauling him back down into his chair. “Terra, don’t be mad, honey, but Hotch is right. You haven’t been honest with him, with me… and there’s stuff you don’t know either. Can’t we just have dinner and talk about it?”
“No. I don’t want to talk about it here. It’s too… open. Take me back to your office,” I said, folding my arms over my chest.
“We’ll order for take-out,” Aaron said. Pen nodded and we got out of the booth. “I’m going to call the team. They need to be there.”
“Okay,” Pen said. She pulled me to the side while Aaron went to order. “Look, Terra, you and I both know how much more there is to this. And I work for the frickin’ FBI, okay? They had me…”
“Is everything all right here, ladies?” Kevin asked, putting his arm around Pen’s shoulders. “I’m not sure what happened here tonight, but it doesn’t sound good.”
“It’s not, sugar. Why don’t you head on home and I’ll call you tomorrow?” Pen asked.
“Uh, sure. But we came here in your car… can I at least get a ride home?” Kevin replied.
“Right. Of course. I’ll just tell Agent Hotchner I’m going to make a detour on the way to the office.” She grinned at me. “It’s going to be fine, Terra. Don’t worry about anything.”

But I did worry. What I worried about the most was that Aaron no longer trusted me. I was certain he wouldn’t want to sleep with me any more, at the very least. I chewed on a cuticle and considered my cousin’s earnest face.
“But what if…” I began, just as Aaron came back.
“What if what?” he asked and I shook my head.
“Nothing,” I muttered. “This sucks rocks.”
“It what?” Aaron asked, his eyebrows raised.
“I haven’t heard that expression in years,” Pen said with a smirk. “Um, Sir, I’m just going to take Kevin home and then I’ll see you at the office, if that’s okay.”
“Sure, Garcia. I’ve recalled the team. We’ll meet you there with dinner,” Aaron said, checking his vibrating Blackberry. He answered his phone, turning away from me to talk. I continued to chew on my cuticle, wondering if I should just bolt. I didn’t have a vehicle, but I could find one… and then be on the run from both the FBI and my lover? Bad, bad idea. I had a mission, but I couldn’t do anything right now. I needed more resources, more time… Aaron would be the best possible ally here, but I knew he would never go for it. He’s a bit too… stuffy. Too suit and tie. I mean, I liked that about him. He was so honest and upright, but he was also conservative and uptight. Well, that’s what I saw when he wasn’t in bed, anyway.

Aaron finished his phone call and turned back to me.
“We’re going to be here for at least ten minutes. Let me buy you a drink at the bar while we wait,” he suggested. I nodded absently, my brain a whirl. I ordered a double rye and ginger, short, and tossed it back quicker than I should have. “Thirsty? Or just nervous?”
“Wouldn’t you be?”
“I don’t have that many secrets,” he said.
“Oh? Really?” I frowned at him. “I’ll take another drink.” He motioned to the bartender, who slid another drink in front of me. I took a gulp. “Everyone has secrets, Aaron. Abuse, neglect, pain… siblings we don’t, or can’t, communicate with… parents we never see… divorce.”
“None of those are secrets, Terra,” Aaron said, looking away from me. I downed half of my drink and shuddered. The room was beginning to get fuzzy.
“Sure, your bosses know all about you, don’t they? Just like they know all about me. But how much did you tell me?”
“How much have you told me?” he shot back. “This is not a conversation for here. Finish your drink, and we’ll leave.”
“Good fucking idea,” I muttered, downing the rest of my drink. Four ounces of rye hit my system hard and I was feeling both mellow and angry. Aaron took my arm and helped me down from my barstool. I stumbled a bit when my feet hit the ground.
“Whoa. Easy,” he said, and I pulled my arm from his grasp.
“I don’t need your help,” I snapped. “It’s not like you can help, anyway.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he replied, taking the bags of food the waitress handed him. “Come on.”

We drove to his office in silence. I stared out the window, wishing I were somewhere else, with someone else… no, I wished we didn’t have to have this conversation, that we could just fuck and hold each other, and just enjoy being together. I just wanted someone who didn’t ask questions. And I had to get involved with a fuckin’ federal agent, didn’t I? Stupid, stupid, stupid. I smacked my hand against my thigh, hard, and Aaron slid a sideways look at me.
“Are you okay?”
“No, I’m not okay. Of course I’m not fucking okay!” I snarled. “I don’t want to do this. Why would I want to do this? If I didn’t tell you anything before it was probably because I didn’t want to, eh?”
“You don’t think I have some rights to the truth? We’re sleeping together, Terra. We’re involved,” he said with a sigh.
“Yeah, well, that was obviously a mistake on your part, wasn’t it? Stupid of you to get involved with someone as fucked up as me,” I muttered. He slammed on the brakes and screeched over to the side of the road. “What the fuck?”
“I don’t know what you’re involved in, Terra, but I am going to find out. And the only reason I’m doing any of this is because, despite the fact that you think you’re fucked up, I care about you,” he snapped. I looked at him and then looked away. “Yes, that’s right. Even though we’ve only been seeing each other for a very short time, I already have some feelings for you. I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“Too late,” I muttered.
“Maybe. But I’m going to try anyway,” he said. He stared at me until I looked back. “Understood?”
“Mmm, I suppose,” I replied, looking away again. He pulled away from the curb and we continued on our way to his office.

We entered the Federal building through the garage; Aaron parked in a spot reserved for him, and we proceeded up to the main level. We had to go through a metal detector, and I reluctantly removed the knife I carried in an ankle-sheath, placing it in the bin to be x-rayed.
“It’s not illegal,” I said, as I took back the knife and sheath. “The knife is under the allowable size.”
“I know,” Aaron replied as he headed to the elevators. “I didn’t realize you carried a knife at all.”
“I haven’t been,” I said with a sigh. “But after my workout today, I decided I felt more comfortable with it on me.”
“I think you’d better give it to me for now,” he said, holding out his hand. I shook my head, and passed him the knife.
“Fine, whatever.” The elevator doors opened on to a quiet and darkened hallway. The glass doors in front of us sported the FBI logo, and the offices beyond were lit in some places, and darkened in others. Clearly, most of the workers were gone for the night. We walked through the bullpen towards a lit room on the second level.
“In here,” he said, steering me into the room. The members of the BAU were all there. Aaron put the food down on the table and they all pounced on it, divvying it up quickly. Aaron directed me to a chair and I sat at the table. He put a sandwich and a drink in front of me. “It’s a clubhouse. I hope that’s okay.”
“That’s fine. I’m not really hungry anyway,” I said with a sigh. He put a hand on my shoulder for a moment. I noticed David Rossi watching us, and I shrugged his hand off of me. I didn’t have to see his face to know he was hurt, but when he sat down on the other side of the table, his face was stern, all traces of emotion erased.

“Thanks for coming, everyone,” Rossi said. He nodded at JJ, who stood up and began distributing folders to those who didn’t already have them. “We were working on this this afternoon, but Hotch has brought Terra in to talk to us, to share what she knows.”
“I don’t know what you want from me,” I muttered, pushing the sandwich away from me. Morgan swallowed what he was chewing and wiped his mouth.
“We know more about you than you’ve told us, Terra, and frankly, it’s a bit worrying. What were you searching for this afternoon on Garcia’s computer?”
“You were watching me?” I hissed, turning to Pen. She blanched.
“I had to… I was trying to tell you before…”
“You don’t have to justify anything, Garcia. It’s her job, you understand that,” Rossi said to me. I shook my head and took a deep breath.
“First of all, why didn’t you tell us you were married?” Reid asked.
“Why is that any of your business?” I snapped back.
“I would have liked to know,” Aaron said, and I closed my eyes.
“It was a very long time ago,” I began but Rossi cut me off.
“Twenty-one years ago, you were married to this man,” he said. The screen lit up and Rossi put up a candid picture of a curly-haired man in his late forties, early fifties. “Matthew Shaum. This is what he looks like today. He’s still involved in the Blackhawk Militia.”
“Yes, well, I was fourteen,” I snapped. “It’s not like it was love or anything.”
“You were fourteen?” Prentiss said, clearly horrified. I sighed.
“It was Militia practise to marry teenage girls to older men, usually men in their twenties or early thirties. Sometimes they had more than one wife. Matt did; I was only one of, like six or something. We didn’t live together though. It was, like, a marriage for sex and babies, not anything else. The men live together and the women live together. The only one who gets to live on his own is Josiah.”
“Josiah, the leader of the Militia?” Reid asked.
“Yeah. He has his own house, and women volunteer to sleep with him, or clean and cook for him,” I said.
“He has his own house… you use the present tense,” Reid said.
“Um, well…”
“We know you go back to the compound at least once a year, Terra,” Rossi said. He clicked his remote and a picture of me, in sunglasses, with my mother, leapt onto the screen. “That’s from last year.”
“Uh, well… She needed me. I couldn’t just abandon her completely, could I?”
“And what about your sisters?” Rossi asked gently. I looked at him confused.
“Sisters?”
“You have two sisters,” Reid said as Rossi clicked again. A picture of my mother and two young women, in their late teens, early twenties, came on the screen. “At first we weren’t sure who they were, but the Department of Homeland Security indicates in their files that they live with your mother and that there seems to be a familial bond between them. We’re not sure who their father is though.”
“Matt Shaum,” I muttered under my breath.
“I’m sorry?” Rossi said, his eyes penetrating.
“Their father is Matthew Shaum,” I said a bit louder. I slid a hand across my face, suddenly exhausted. “And they aren’t my sisters. They’re my daughters.”